Essex
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Are you sure you weren't looking for e-Sex or Disneyse.cx?
“I was a good looking young man when I went to Essex. When I left I had syphilis.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Essex
Although long believed to be a place made up by parents to scare children in to behaving, the county of Essex was recently found to really exist. Tucked in to the south-east of England, it is the birth place of many undesirable forms of humanity, including the Essex boy, the Essex Girl, the gary boy, the chav, Crazy Pete (Peter Cummings) and Perry Aldridge (Jnr). There have been no official attempts to eradicate Essex since the romans were booted out in 540 AD, but in recent years London has made several attempts to absorb the county in to its ever expanding Axis of Evil.
Contents |
[edit] Past
Essex was first colonised in 230BC by chavs from the North and East London area. These chavs were swiftly chased away to Spain by romans who built many houses and put their capital in Colchester. The chavs, threatened by the Spanish's poofy interior design and bestiality, decided to rise up with the help of a mouthy ginger woman and kicked them all the way to St. Albans before being impaled several times over. The romans decided not to return and the chavs migrated back, establishing many council estates on their way. Not much has happened between then and now, though Gerogre Orwell wrote a book called 1984 with the serving suggestion of having Harlow and Basildon nuked by the Russians. Unfortunately, no one has translated 1984 in to Russian yet, but we can always hope.
[edit] Present
In line with the government's recent anti-heritage policy, large areas of Essex are being bulldozed and turned in to "health villages" or "social regeneration projects" destroying what little architectural interest it has. The major epicentre of this work is Colchester, England's oldest and most dilapidated town. A chav was asked for his views on the matter, but couldn't be understood.
Essex is also known as the "motherland" to many City Wankers whom emerged from there on interships. They discarded the howling cries of "Bananas, bananas, bananas" from markets stalls to, "Oil, oil, oil". These utterances are the only major sociological changes attributed to City workers from Essex.
Often found dwelling in converted petrol stations and old grannies' lofts, the Essex people will rent anything in London as long as there is a Toni & Guy nearby. These hair salons provide much needed drop in centres to those whose raison d'etre is launching into diatribes about their cancer kissed holidays and their degrees; not educational, rather the extent to which they were whammowed.
In 1994 Mohammed was resurrected on Romford high street but shortly killed by chavs with BB guns. They probably couldnt afford to steal a real one.
In the year 2007 Essex became the worlds worst place to live, narrowly beating chernobyl, the vaccum of space and Croydon. This was for four reasons, the towns of Grays, Tilbury and the concentration camp/shopping centre lakeside. Grays had a significan role in this as it is seen as the standard for Essex, chavs, school kids with AK's and general aggression to everything/one. Clacton also fits this criteria. Grays also shares borders with the territory of lakeside and the independant warring nation of tilbury.
Lakeside is a "shopping" centre which is in reality a breeding ground for chavs and shoplifter scumbags of assorted variety. Lakeside also has a tiny lake, and is located in the very bottom of a chalk pit, a fine choice of location.
Lastly, tilbury (named because it was where the bodys were left during the plague, before being shipped to graves end, the body pile is rising to this day.) is a warring nation of chavs, the police are generally ineffectual as they are armed with plastic batons, while the general chav has at least an AK-47 he bought from a dealer down the road for a few quid, apparantly all chavs believe dodgey *insert name* can get you one even cheaper though.
It is almost always fatal to visit Grays, Tilbury, Lakeside or Clacton, yet alone the rest of essex, unless you have the specific gene that allows you to breath carbon-monoxide that evolution has helped the general Essex resident out with.
[edit] Future
In 2038, someone will finally have translated 1984 in to Russian, where by the acting president Yuri Yuri Vodkaninskileninda will nuke Harlow, and Basildon just in case. When Russia does nuke Harlow (and Basildon) a prophesy says that the earth will be invaded by a bunch of bananas and we will be made human slaves in a banana nation.
[edit] Language
The language of Essex can be a difficult one to understand. It is a mixture of East Anglian hillbilly dialects, chav, Pikey and a pinch of Cockney. Here are some typical phrases you may hear in Essex.
Essex: "Eaaaaaarr, Keisha luv! Ya faancee a kwik shag raand da bak o' McDonalds?"
English Translation: "Keisha, my darling. Would you like to go on a date with me tonight?"
Essex: "Oi mayt? Gis us a cup o wor'ah or eyes stab ya up gud n propah lyk."
English Translation: "Excuse me sir? May I please have a glass of water?"
Racoons plan to open 71 branches of brothels for any Essex boys or Essex for any person who has an animal fettish like Basil Brush or Kermit the Frog
[edit] Essex-On-Sea
Essex is one of the few places in England which still feels the need to add on-sea to the names of towns. This is to prevent the local populace from constantly falling in to said sea and causing yet more chaos to its underfunded and disorganised emergency services. In places not bearing the names, many people drown. Daily at 8.30am and 5pm hordes of people can be seen in a mass exodous towards the sea at Mistly and Harwich, and as such it has been proposed they be renamed Mistly-On-Sea and Harwich-On-Sea to curtail this, although it has also been suggested that Mistly be sold to the Dutch to save it from the tyranny of Essex in general.
[edit] Major Towns In Essex
- Chelmsford - Home of the call centre.
- Southend-On-Sea - Home of the gary boy. Its called Southend-On-Sea but should be called Southend-On-Thames, or more specifically Southend-on-Shit, since the Thames literally comes out of London's sewers
- Basildon - This is where your hard-earned money is sent to pay for single mothers.
- Harlow - Invented the "drive by" mugging.
- Romford - Home of the chav.
- Loughton - A place of 'wannabe' chavs, where rich brats pretend to be 'gangstas'. They like to form gangs, such as the 'LBF' (Lets Be Friends). They are real gansters because they say rude words to old people and hang around KFC. Range Rovers are a common site here, either gangsters on their way to Epping Forest to dump a body, or blonde bimbos delivering their brats to school about a metre from their house drive these chav mobiles.
- Debden - A huge council estate full of old people and rats.
- Chigwell - Basically divided in two. One half is full of huge houses full of posh snobs, the other half is the Limes Farm 'state, which is a cesspit where Essex County Council dump all the poor people and leave them in squalor. Pest Control have a problem here as they cant see the difference between rats and people.
- Grays - Famous for 'Grays Beach' which isn't really a beach, just rotting, abandoned boats surrounded by empty tins of Carlsberg Special Brew and used condoms
- Colchester - Has a university, 2 colleges and many bored chavs that visit Colchester because the Mc Donalds is within 200 meters of the job centre.
- Brentwood- Though not confirmed many sightings reported by scouts from Chelmsford suggest it is real.
- Clacton-On-Sea - What Auschwitz would have been like if Hitler hated old people instead.
- Braintree - Worse than Witham, but better than Basildon
- Coggeshall - A glittering cathederal to boredom
- Bocking - High amounts of inbreeding. Average School leaving age 7.
- Halstead - This town does not actually exist, anyone who claims to have seen Halstead obviously purchased drugs in Colchester
- Witham - Worst town in England, but better than Braintree.
- Maldon - Where 2 important sewage drains (Rivers Blackwater and Chelmer) come out and head out to the already badly polluted and turd filled North Sea.
- Harwich - For the continent
- Frinton - For the incontinent. It was reported that high ranking Luftwaffe Officer shortly after the outbreak of World War 2 had written a personal letter to Hermann Göring asking specifically for Frinton to be bombed. This was due to the fact that the all the shop keepers were rude and crabby to him when he went there on a holiday years before. This rudeness is still a practice upheld to this day. Also if you walk down Connaught Avenue you can see gaps above some shops where the bombs fell. (All of that is true!)
- Jaywick - If you don't have stab-proof skin, even reading this is suicide
- Epping- Locals of Epping, affectionately known as 'cretins', tend only to be interested in dogging.
- Broomfield - Birthplace of man.
- Thaxted - Bin Laden's British holiday home
- Tilbury - Many interesting sights such as, burnt out cars, derelict houses, bullet holes in road signs and dead bodies floating in the river. Also a great place to go if you want to claim on your car insurance for break ins. Tilbury is also the home town of Racist Leader Drew Brett Rogers.
- South Woodham Ferrers - Ruled by ASDA university and lots of butterflies.
- Wethersfield - Full of dogs, and then there's the RSPCA centre.
- Purfleet - Tilbury's little sister.
- Dagenham - Disputed land on the Essex/London border. Disputed because neither side wants it.
- Burnham - Festering backwater, located somewhere in the wilds of the dengie peninsular.
- Rochford - If you enjoy a feeling of bleak hopelessness, this is the place for you.
- Danbury - Quite nice actually.
[edit] Why? Just, why?
This is a question posed by many upon entering the county. A suitable answer has not yet been provided by anyone, but an evacuation and compensation scheme is being established by the government for all who can prove to have entered the county unwittingly or against their will.
