Essex boy
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Essex boys first came in to existence during the peasant revolution of ye olden times. Watt Tyler was the very first Essex boy, and is remembered mostly for creating the furry dice. He did, however, also cause quite a bit of bother to the King of the time before getting back stabbed by some pompous royalist arse kisser while he took a swig of beer from atop his donkey. Essex was declared an independent state in 1955 and now provides a barrier to the expansion of London.
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[edit] Evolution of the Species
This declaration of independence also saw the creation of the Essex girl. Due to the excess snobbiness of London Women, breeding became a problem that threatened to see the Essex Boy die out, and in 1960 they were added to the 'endangered species' list by Sir David Attenborough. However, genetic engineers with little else to do at the time (due to the fact that genetic engineering did not yet exist)set about resolving the matter, and by 1968 had created the Essex Girl through a process of gene splicing and narcotic experimentation (see drug). The first Essex Girl to be born was delivered in the back of a Ford Capri by Midwife Henrietta Jones. The child was promptly named Sharon Henrietta Smith and was the saviour of the species.
[edit] Habitat
The first ever council house was built to house Sharon, her mother and the small test-tube that was her father, and from that point on she was used for breeding purposes to secure future generations of Essex Boys and girls. Sharon went on to invent the Names, LANCE, CLIVE, DAVE and TRACEY and the first flag of Essex (the white handbag crossed with matching stilettos).
[edit] Other Stuff
It was only in the late 70's/early 80's that the side effects of creating the Essex Girl were noticed. Excess testosterone in both men and women, a desire to commit armed robbery and petty theft and the ability to drive far faster than the manufacturer's claimed top speed in any Ford motor vehicle. Today the same genetic engineers responsible for the creation of the Essex girl, now work to try and reverse these side effects. There is no government funding, and instead they rely on donations from the public and royalties from movies about Essex criminals.
[edit] Essex Aggression
ESSEX AGRESSION is bottled and sold to countries where finding the 'fighting spirit' amongst the population is unusually hard. France is one of the biggest importers of bottled Essex Aggression, and recently suffered severe rioting after Algerian protesters hijacked a lorry full of it and drank it thinking it was 'Happy water'.
The SAWN OFF SHOTGUN was invented by Essex Boy Geoffrey Archer, who found that wielding the full length version whilst in the confines of a Ford Cortina proved quite difficult. His invention heralded the 'Drive through' robbery now referred to as 'THE DARKEST DAY' by Ronald McDonald and that speaking burger bloke.
Essex Boys hate being mistaken as Londoners and will react violently to any such statement.
[edit] David Jason
David Jason, the rather dire star of the lack luster 'Only Fools and Horses' television programme, is sentenced to death under Essex law and will be killed instantly should he ever step foot within its borders.
[edit] Sean Bean
Sean Bean is actually from Essex, but disguises his accent so that he can (when the need arises) cop it off with posh totty from London.
[edit] County Coat of Arms
The new Essex coat of arms (3 scimitars on a red background) was stolen in the early 1990's from a tattoo design magazine found in a Turkish brothel by one Lance Jones whilst on a borstal adventure holiday outing. He returned with the design and persuaded the King of Essex to adopt it with the promise of a ripped off car stereo and a go with his sister outside Dukes nightclub.
Jones was later executed after it was discovered that the stereo handed over as part of the deal was in fact the very same one that had been stolen from the King's Ford Escort Mexico one week prior. Apparently though, the sexual encounter with Jones's sister was rather enjoyable and the King himself bestowed upon her the title of Quality Slapper, a title that is still used to this day.
The Essex coat of arms is now worn as a tattoo on the right arm of 'Loyal servants to the King'. This 'brand' announces them as 'Blessed Ambassadors of Essex' and entitles the wearer to diplomatic immunity anywhere in the known world except Cardiff (given that Cardiff is officially the ONLY place in the known universe that nobody wants to go anyway, this omission is not a problem).
[edit] Stuff Wot Was Invented in Essex
- Go faster stripes
- Snakebite (A mix of Cider, Lager and Blackcurrant)
- Armed Robbery
- Speeding
- Car Radio theft
- Council Houses
- Promiscuity
- Halfords
- The word 'innit'
[edit] Essex Facts
It is recorded in the Bible that Essex was originally chosen to be the Birthplace of the Son of God. Unfortunately due to the lack of Stables, Virgins and Wise men, God was forced to make a change to his plans and instead chose Bethlehem.
