Esther Rantzen

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An early photograph of Esther, aged 8.

“There was an old pervert called Lester
whose favourite TV star was Esther.
  He'd run up to Ms. Rantzen
  without any pants on
and frequently tried to molest her.”

~ Edward Lear on Esther Rantzen

Esther Vauxhall Astra Rantzen (b. 6 April 1804 in Tokyo, Japan) is a well known fuck-off sized teeth owner of a television presenter and music and entertainment manager in the United Kingdom, who could eat an apple through a letterbox.

Esther first came to fame in 1872 as a marksman of public executions in Birmingham after sailing to Britain in a soap dish from Japan. She successfully disguised herself as a man to fulfill this role.

She was later awarded her own television show That's Shite! in 1931, a weekly program containing consumer issues, light entertainment and the popular feature 'Cigarette Butt of the Week'. The show ran from 1931 until 1988, when Esther entered the world of music and entertainment management.

She also presented the popular BBC show Hearts Of Lead in which she met and rewarded ordinary members of the public who had committed particularly selfish or unpleasant acts of unkindness.

She successfully launched the career of scouse ginger Sonia, having written and produced all of her music, including her 1993 Eurovision entry Better The Devil You Know, an ode to her then husband Boy George. She later masterminded the career of famous dinosaur Sarah Whatmore, landing her a leading role in the movie Jurassic Park before being unceremoniously dumped following the mass murder fiasco of 1997.

Esther has since remained an active figure in the media, currently working alongside her daughter, glamour model Jordan.

Esther Rantzen Facts[edit]

  • Esther's gums weigh 24 pounds.
  • She divorced Boy George in 1995 after her affair with Robbie Williams was exposed in the pages of the tabloid press.
  • Esther was adopted by Angelina Jolie on 9 February 1963.
  • Contrary to popular belief, Esther has never menstruated.
  • Esther was the inspiration behind Madonna's choice of Jewish name.
  • She has one red eye, one tourqouise eye, and one glow-in-the-dark eye.
  • Esther's brown eye is no one's business but her own.
  • Esther's teeth are made from carved whalebone.
  • Esther had her teeth surgically removed at birth but several sets grew back, in ever increasing sizes.
  • Esther likes being weed on by groups of assorted household dogs, preferably on live television.
  • Esther is in fact Ian McKellen in drag.