Eternal life

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You may be immortal and not even know it!


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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article very remotely related to Eternal life.

Eternal life is a condition where those effected by it live forever. Eternal life is an extremely rare condition, and research is currently being made on its cure. Eternal life is not to be confused with invincibility, where one is unable to be killed, invulnerability, where one is unable to be harmed, or immortality, where one is unable to die. Immortality is also not to be confused with immorality.

Introduction[edit]

What is eternal life?[edit]

As said above, eternal life is a very rare condition that affects the longevity of the victim's life. The most common way of obtaining this condition is through birth defect. It is also able to obtain it through mutation.

Where is eternal life?[edit]

Eternal life is kept in Inexistence until it is obtained by someone. Once someone is infected with eternal life it is stored in their cranium. Some argue that eternal life is to large to be stored in one's cranium, being, of course, eternal, and is therefore stored in one's personal hammerspace. This, however, has not been proven. Or so they say.

Why is eternal life?[edit]

The reasons behind eternal life are not known, and the only known answer to this question is because, which the answer to everything. See also Causes Of Eternal Life below.

When is eternal life?[edit]

Eternal life is eternal, which implies that it always was, always is, and always will be. So, the question of "when" is not really an answerable question. I guess the answer is "all the time."

Who is eternal life?[edit]

Eternal Life is a completely unrelated emo heavy-black-death-speed-power-thrash-metal band that has nothing to do with this topic.

How is eternal life?[edit]

Eternal life is fine, thanks for asking.

Causes of Eternal Life[edit]

Birth Defection[edit]

The most common way to be affected with eternal life is to be born with it. It is a birth defect caused by the same gene that causes greenish-blue-hazel eyes. So, if you have greenish-blue-hazel eyes, then you probably have eternal life. If this is the cause, see Cures and Treatments below for your options. If this is not the case, don't think you got of the hook so easily. See the other causes below. Disclaimer: We are not claiming that greenish-blue-hazel eyes are a birth defect. Greenish-blue-hazel eyes are unique and everyone who has them is special.

Random Mutation[edit]

Also a cause of the supposed conspira-...I mean, hypothes-...I mean, indisputable, fully proven, completely accurate, LAW of evolution, random mutations may also be another cause of eternal life. In this case, you should skip right on down to Symptoms of Eternal Life below to see if you have it. Another disclaimer: We do not claim to have anything against the theo-...LAW of evolution. We agree fully and completely, or at least as much as the government requires. Remember, there is no cabal.

Natural Selection[edit]

Some evolutionists claim that eternal life is an example of natural selection, and soon all humans will evolve into eternally living creatures.

Radiation/Radioactivity[edit]

Experts claim that exposure to radiation and/or radioactive material (including, but not limited to, toxic waste, laser beams, tobacco, crystal meth, alcohol [rubbing and otherwise], gasoline, chlorophyll, copylefted material, lead, and Parmesan) may be a leading cause of eternal life mutations. See Secret Cult Rituals below, which may or may not involve radiation.

Magic[edit]

A generally disapproved of method for attaining eternal life is exposure to magic. Usually black or white magic, sometimes gray magic, but scarcely grey, mauve, indigo, or laser lemon magic. See Secret Cult Rituals below, which probably involve magic.

Secret Cult Rituals[edit]

Many secret cults include rituals for attaining eternal life (such as Islam, which claims that hiking through the desert is among the five parts of the road to eternal life, otherwise known as enlightenment...no, wait, maybe that's Buddhism....) None of these methods or rituals have actually been proven, so proceed with them at your own risk and discretion. See Secret Cult Rituals above, which possibly involve secret cult rituals. Once again, disclaimer: We do not have anything against Islam...or Buddhism...or whatever it is called nowadays. Muslims and/or Buddhists have the right to choose their own religion (at least in America, as for everywhere else...too bad) and we respect their decision fully. America is tolerant of all, as long as they don't get bombed by them. If you are a Muslim and/or Buddhist, good for you.

  • Note: "Cult" is not considered a derogatory term...is it?

Spam E-Mails[edit]

Some people have claimed to be infected with certain viruses and other ailments, including eternal life, through infected spam mail, but this has yet to be proven, or even documented. Most cases supposedly involve an e-mail with the topic "H4XX0R." See Secret Cult Rituals above, which probably do not involve H4XX0R.

Symptoms of Eternal Life[edit]

Because of the nature of eternal life one can not be sure if one has it until that person's life has lasted for an eternal amount of time. Because one can never be sure if one has lasted for an eternal amount of time, because one would have to wait forever to be sure, the following symptoms are only guesses as to whether or not you have eternal life. They may have absolutely nothing to do with eternal life at all.

  • Feeling of longevity
  • Inability to end life
  • Lack of not living forever
  • That glowing feeling
  • Other related conditions, such as
    • Immortality
    • Invincibility
    • Invulnerability
    • Greenish-blue-hazel eyes

Cures and Treatments[edit]

Research on finding a cure for eternal life has taken priority over less-threatening conditions, such as HIV-AIDS, Cancer, Malaria, Scurvy, and the common cold. As of yet, they are unsuccessful at finding a cure. Please donate to the Cure for Eternal Life Research Center (CELFC).

Known Treatments[edit]

First, you should make sure you are actually infected with eternal life. To do so, follow the instructions below.

  • Attempt to kill oneself
    • Behead oneself
    • Hang oneself
    • Shoot oneself
    • Lethally inject oneself
    • Poison oneself

If none of the above kill you, then you have one of the following conditions

  • Invulnerability (Did any of the above hurt? If not, you are invulnerable)
  • Invincibility (Did any of the above hurt, but fail to kill you? If so, you're invincible!)
  • Immortality (Did any of the above fail to hurt, and fail to kill you? If so, you're IMMORTAL!!!)
  • Eternal life (Did any the above send you to an eternal paradise and/or heaven? If so, then you are infected with eternal life)

Treatments for Eternal Life[edit]

  • Try bacon. That cures everything.
  • Nyquil?
  • Extract of Ambrosia, maybe.
  • Break the Ten Commandments...all at once.
  • I'm not really sure, actually. If none of the above work, then you're just screwed.

Statistics[edit]

  • The number of people effected with eternal life
    • 3.14% of the world
  • The number of people who care
    • 0.666% of the world

Notable People With an Eternal Life Infection[edit]

Notable People Without an Eternal Life Infection[edit]

Notable People Who Want an Eternal Life Infection[edit]

Notable People Who Don't Want an Eternal Life Infection[edit]

Notable People Who Should Have an Eternal Life Infection[edit]

Notable People Who Shouldn't Have an Eternal Life Infection[edit]

Prevention[edit]

Avoid all the aforementioned causes.

Conclusion[edit]

Eternal life is...bad?

Trivia[edit]

  • Nobody cares
  • Eternal life is in bold text everywhere on this page but here.
  • There is no cabal
  • The Spanish Inquisition is not expected, especially not in this article.
  • This is the second time the number 666 has been mentioned on this page.
  • Your mom
  • In Soviet Russia, forever lives YOU!!

External links[edit]

There are none. Meh. Or you could see the Wikipedia article on eternal life if you so wish.

References[edit]

Once again, there are none.

See also[edit]


This article is brought to you by the letters, s, t, π, and d. Oh, and I think an i and a u go in there somewhere.


D.o.e.PNG 23:18, 1 May 2007 (UTC)