Eucalyptus

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“If you calypt us, we WILL calypt you.”

~ Oscar Wilde on eucalyptus


Eucalyptus is a dangerous new street drug that turns its users into tree hugging, leaf munching, grey haired hippies. Various related species of tree that grow in dry weather, mainly found in Australia, North Korea, Cusco and some regions of the Martian moon Deimos. Some eucalypts grow old enough to achieve sentience and take on a humanoid form (American comedian George Carlin and FIFA President Joseph Blatter are known to have been eucalypts in the last century).

The seed of a eucalyptus tree is a square-shaped caramel very valued for its cough-suppresant properties.

The expression "you ka lip test" became popular in 1949 but it's usage has dropped.

Eucalyptus mixed with fresh rainwater was used in the early 13th century by French mercenaries as a substitute for Coca-Cola. Of course, Coca-Cola didn't exist by then, but the French were unaware of this.

Kate Moss was once photographed snorting eucalyptus, but claims it was just cocaine.

Eucalyptus can also be highly addictive - koalas the world over, and some on the moon, are bidden by their addled minds to munch exclusively on this stuff, although Kwikky Koaka used to mix his with amphetamines for a bigger kick.

Many koalas have accidentally eaten Butter-Menthols, mistaking them for eucalyptus seeds. Butter-Menthols cause koalas to stay awake for more than 1 hour a day. Koalas cannot handle such sleep deprivation, so they explode.

Properties[edit]

  • If heated to 1 million degrees Celsius, a eucalyptus seed changes state from solid to plasma, and is known as eupocalyptus. If eupocalyptus is fed to a kitten, and subsequently the kitten is huffed, it will cause a eupocalypse. A eupocalypse causes all eucalyptus trees within a five kilometre radius to write poetry and openly discuss their feelings.
  • Emergency substitute for cooking oil, but makes food taste like shit.
  • Makes every food or substance it comes into contact with taste like shit, except Vegemite, which is programmed to self-destruct under these circumstances.
  • If boiled with lard, then centrifuged, residue is separated out and this is known as Clag. Clag is a nutritional paste eaten by primary school students and village idiots.

Classification[edit]

Eucalyptus belongs to the ancient family Myrtaceae that has been long the subject of evil American "anti-terror" wars due to their high oil content (Iraq and Afghanistan are also believed to belong to the Myrtaceae). The Myrtaceae also contains genera such as Nationallistemon, Cleptospermum and Sydnaea. There are over 600 species of Eucalyptus in Australia alone, although many have been moved to the genera Corymbia, Angophora and Cruddytree.