“It's not that bad...what? No! I'm not one, of course not, just joking! *nervous chuckle*”
“In Soviet Russia, penis cuts YOU!!”
“I've never seen a child as dirty and disgusting as you. Look at you! You're soaking wet. Get out of my bed. Go back to your room... Shut up, you filthy little beast! I should have put you in an orphanage, grandson or not. Into the bathroom! Take off your nightshirt, and wipe yourself off. Hurry up! Now give me my scissors from the medicine chest. Take that filthy thing in your hand. Stretch it out. Look down. Do you want me to cut it off? Do you? I pledge you my word, Francis... if you ever make your bed dirty again... I'll cut it off. Do you understand?”
Eunuch, or when you don't have the balls
The Eunuch, aka the dickless wonders, aka un-made-men has been around for 23452345 years.... and this isn' just a big number! They have been in exsitence for 50 times longer than the human race when it first walked in Africa...(or several thousands times longer if you are a terrorist). They have been used as servants, harem guards, priests, warriors, fashion consultants and political advisors to the president.
What is NOT a eunuch
In order to talk about eunuchs, one must talk about what is NOT a eunuch. Thorughout time, there have been many eunuch subsitutes.
The first imposter was the Goth Kid. These creatures were created when FORMER Senator Rick Santorum(R-PA) went back to the beginning of time (5:43 PM August 2, 1956) and ejaculated in the primordial soup. Out sprang a good imposter, someone who hated the world and therefore seemed to hate people and therefore was likely to hate women. However, this imposter was saw through as it appearred to enjoy deviant drug-induced sex.
The counterfieters had to go back to work.
The next attempt to replicate the self-un-made-man was on the planet Irk in 1534. This was done by those who decided that a eunuch just doesn't have to be attracted to women. However, this was a complete failure as wealthy homosexuals began to have harems as well. This meant that homosexuals "couldn't have their cake(or whatever the stereotypical gay sweettooth is) and eat it too". Despite the cake going to their thighs, homosexuals just couldn't pass as eunuchs without being un-made with their straight counter- parts.
There are also false eunuchs that are really androgynous aliens known as the Sod. These fakes are also confused with homosexuals because they reproduce asexually. The Sod are said to be secretly trying to take over the world. This has been proven false or simply not true. However, with their similiarities with homosexuals, there have been many who have heard the rumor and/or have been abducted in sexy Sod jokes or abducted by their really gay friends who prenteded to be Sod. These "many" believe that there is a homosexual conspiracy. Many who believe this are such abductee yokels as Rick Santorum, Tom Coburn and James Dobson.
Sidenote: The REAL gay conspiracy
|This page is or discusses a loony and/or nutty conspiracy theory of which Uncyclopedia vehemently denies knowledge and existence. The black helicopters are not ^on their way.|
There is, in fact, a homosexual conspiracy but it really is about gays and greys not wanting to be lynched without a 36-hour-waiting period, parental and spousal consent and not without the legally compelled viewing of material that speaks of what it would feel like after the lynching. Also, they wish that certain specially tasteless and offensive methods of lynching are banned. Some of these lynching procedures use more than 6 ply squares of toilet paper or involve really cheap Calvin Klein-imitation cologne. Some of these lynchings have been described as "barbaric" and "totally butch" by the opponents of these lynch procedures. However, the opponents of these procedures claim that lynching mobs can rest assured that these proposed restrictions would only affect, at most, 3-5% of all lynchings.
Since you know about three important eunuch substitutions...you can get to the real question this article tries to answer...poorly...-
So what are eunuchs?
It has been said that the "eunuch" is just a state of mind. Actually, that's a flaming turd. If you want to know the real deal,come to my house and we will discuss it over a pecan pie and a cutting board. That doesn't tell you enough, okay then you might not be able to handle the REAL truth, so be aware! Eunuchs were created in 45342, by uhhhh....uncyclopedia vandals in order to be pussys, tax collectors, welfare whores, bureaucrats and guest stars on Jerry Springer and Oprah. They also are a great asset to harems, as you see on the left(your left....I think) side of the page.
When Eunuchs are castrated before puberty, they are known as Wallywubbles or castrati and are known for their heavenly singing voice and their eternal youthfulness is prized by catholic priests. They typically serve as grue keepers and an excellent source of meat. On the other hand, eunuchs that were "made" after puberty are turned into politcal advisors, harem guards and fashion consultants, however most fashion consultants are not eunuchs but are,ummm....see above. It is also known that eunuchs make great bureaucrats and butt slaves. For example...before he had pages....
“My Eunuchs are the best peices of ass eva...and my paper work has NEVER been so organized!”
Also, there is a eunuch fighting league. Many are quite simply amazed that someone who is male (sorta) can take so many blows in the groin(or whats left of it) in one sitting.
How to "make" a eunuch
Over the ages, many have found new ways of making eunuchs. The first attempts involved a grue biting "it" off. However, this was uneconomical as many grues were recruited to fight the Republican party and the war between the Flying spaghetti monster and Black Jesus. So, new methods had to be made.
|This article is insane. The article submitter may need psychotherapy, and as such, this article should be taken as gospel. You can help Uncyclopedia by restraining the article in a rubber room..|
With the dawn of the industrial revolution in 2101, mechanical castrations were invinted. These machines could un-make 23462343 men an hour (about all the men on Earth in 4 days). Since then, new and innovative ways to castrate helpless vict----er--- employees have been invinted. Some of these innovations have been the electronic hand-held castrator and the external combustion castrator. Also, there has been work on laser castration, but that's for pussies....but then again, that is a moot point in this business.
eunuchs in action
Unmade men are known for their many abilities from being the priests of Ishtar in the Neolithic Age to being the debt collectors of 21st century India. However, throughout it all Eunuchs have been known for their extraordinary services. Nowadays, many fine 5 star resorts have eunuchs. When they are in action, you can have them do anything from protecting your harem to filing your taxes. Most rates are between $300-$500 an hour, but there are coupon days, when even mediocre slobs can afford them. Many Eunuch rental groups now have special April 15th deals to do your taxes. In fact, the prices of eunuchs have dropped substantially in recent years due to the rapid growth of female feticide in China and Polygamy in Utah. This has lead to a vast overgrowth of the unneeded male population and because these males don't need to be males, they are castrated....and if my course in economics means anything, this means that the rates and prices for eunuchs have dropped substantially. Then again, eunuchs are quickly becoming a new craze to own or rent, so the great deals out there today will be the highway roberies of tommorow....and I am not just talking about the robbing of the manhood!
What does Jesus say?
|For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.|
This means that Jesus appreciates eunuchs. So what are YOU waiting for? Jesus himself is an Eunuch.
Testimonials from Eunuchs themselves
Of course, eunuchs also benefit from becoming eunuchs. See what these eunuchs have to say!
|It's great! I don't chafe anymore!|
|Life is easier without those "urges".|
|So free to move my legs!|
|Hehe...I have no nuts!|
|"Kill me.. Please... "|
Testimonials on Eunuchs
Also, let's look at how people have been helped by eunuchs. Come on down and TESTIFY!
|Eunuchs have made my life much easier! I don't have to be distracted by the idea of a virile intruder coming to impregnate my harem while I am fucking my 25 wifes...at once!|
|These eunuch bureaucrats are over 21% more boring and 19% less efficient than the standard pubic-sector worker!|
|I just LOVE listening to these castrati records. They are like angels made mortal flesh....mmmmmm.....flesh.|
- Alan Colmes- A guy this pathetic must have lost his pair YEARS ago.
- Cloud Strife- Well, yeah, he's a eunuch. Hojo had a lot of fun "doing" it, I'm afraid.
- Fred Phelps- Yup. Eunuch.
- Most of the French- They haven't be able to successfully defend their country since 1815. Eunuchs? I think so.
- Joe Lieberman- Well, maybe, he might just be a sore loser, though.
- Scientology Clergy- This is what happens in cults, ya know.
- Tony Blair- Someone that is as much as a lapdog as him...is well...a eunuch!
- You- Well yeah, you're a eunuch. Deal with it.
- Me- I just learned that last week.
- The monopoly guy- Well....I dunno. I just know he is a eunuch. I mean, Look at him!
- Focus on the Family- Jesus says to be a eunuch, but you would know that by now, right?
- John McCain- Well, yeah.
- John Kerry- No question.
- Adam Levine- The lead singer of Maroon 5 isn't a chick?
- Castration - A full length supplement that tells you the tale of castration.
- Penis- what may come off.
- Vagina- What eunuchs will no longer want.
- Balls- What will come off.
- Politicians- Other excellent examples of eunuchs and eunuch owners.
- Nuts- I put this here because I like nuts. Uhhh...that didn't come of right, did it?
- testicles- Well, there are simply too many slangs for testicles, are they?
- World of Whorecraft- More examples of those who employ eunuchs in their daily affiars.