Euphonium
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Euphonium is a chemical element with an atomic number of 115. The glowing metallic substance was originally discovered by Bob Lazar of Area 51 while on a mining expedition to the Zeta Reticuli system. (Zeta Reticuli is also known as "The Island of Stability", named as such by the locals who live there.) Euphonium exhibits many fantastic properties which can easily be applied to many lucrative industries, the most popular being interstellar transportation, recreational pharmaceuticals, and musical instrument manufacture. Euphonium is quickly gaining popularity over the substance known as "spice" which has recently been discovered to be nothing more than dehydrated worm shit.
Key to UFO Type Space Travel-
For spacecraft applications an appropriate amount of euphonium is milled into the shape of a sphere. This sphere is then bombarded with a stream of positrons (a.k.a. positive energy) which causes it to emit euphorions. When manipulated by waveguides, these euphorions can be directed to form a cloud of euphoria around the spacecraft, causing a very powerful positive uplifting force. Control of this force is a simple matter of throttling the amount of positive energy being ejaculated onto the sphere of euphonium. Yaw, pitch, and roll control is achieved by simply spinning the sphere in the desired direction much like a track ball.
Gateway to Transcendental Sexual Experiences-
The drug known as Euphonium™ is not the pure metal but is actually the positively charged ion Euph3O+. Its scientific name is triphonium oxide. It is a product of the self-ionization of euphomium. It takes a formula structure not unlike that of hydronium, except the hydrogen is replaced by its counterpart, with three Euphonium atoms (Euph), one of which bears a transcendental charge, and one orgasm atom (O). As self-ionization is an equilibrium reaction, Euphonium™ can produce euphoria, and euphoria can produce Euphonium™. As a result, Euphonium™ is often said to feel very pleasant, harmonic and transcendental due to its close, intimate relationship with euphoria, as they both have orgasms.
However, the production of Euphonium™ in this self-ionization equilibrium reaction results in the production of euphoxide, which is the non-transcendental, decadent side of euphoria. It occurs when the euphonium atoms do not balance out the sheer overwhelming power of the orgasm atom and is further overwhelmed with too many electrons. Unlike its name suggests however, euphoxide isn't the same as euphocide (a killer of happiness), but it is too decadent to bring about true euphoria. Euphonium™ and euphoxide must combine with each other in order to form euphoria, while euphoria can break down into Euphonium™ and euphoxide, despite being opposites in some respects. This paradoxical nature is similar to yin-yang duality.
Users of the drug report a feeling of euphoria, intensified sexual appetite, loss of inhibition, weightlessness (figuratively and literally), and having sexual experiences with higher dimensional beings, spirit guides, and talking animals. The utterances of these other-worldly beings is usually referred to by the addicts as "euphony", a "flowing and aesthetically pleasing speech", and is believed to contain subliminal messages. This subliminal messaging has led to some of its banning in many countries for its psychedelic properties.
Abused by many, Euphonium™ has become a staple of modern drug-awareness campaigns to attempt to help addicts (left). Although largely unsuccessful, these campaigns have resulted in some progress but mostly complete and utter failure due to the euph-rage created when addicts don't get their fix.
Note that due to the theory of quantum mechanics regarding charge-cloud models (named after castles on clouds, a category of shamelessly idealistic, wistful, fanciful models that euphoria), euphoria's boundaries are loosely defined. This has led to some dispute over what euphoria "truly" is. The theory regarding charge-cloud models has also impacted the definitions of many other atoms, including euthanasia. This is why philosophers can't seem to come to terms on definitions of anything that's shamelesly idealistic, wistful or fanciful.
Euphonium™, euphoxide, orgasms and euphogen, components of euphoria as a whole are force-carrier particles of eudaimonia (Aristotle's "good spirits" - gosh his liquor tasted good!) commonly found in Happy-land. This gives it many nicknames. euphonium players usually are the wierd ones and will hangout with the trombone rank and section leader
The euphonium also comes in turbo diesel (TDV6 EUPH), solar powered, and Jesus-Powered! (also available in Black Jesus).
It is also one of the lesser known Western instruments, but it's still totally bitchin'.
| Band Class |
| Flute- Clarinet- Oboe - Saxophone- Trumpet - French Horn - Bassoon - Trombone - Euphonium - Tuba - Drummer - Xylophone - Cowbell |
