Neon Genesis Evangelion
- This page relates to the very angsty and insanely complex anime of Neon Genesis Evangelion. If this isn't what you are after, perhaps you should ascend the arduous Ten Thousand Stairs - or you can take the lazy way out and click Things often confused with Neon Genesis Evangelion. You slovenly bastard.
“ I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE GETTING IT WITH ASUKA!”
Neon Genesis Evangelion (from the Greek Ευανγελιον, meaning "Gigantic motherfucking robots piloted by mentally ill children") is both an animated TV series created by Hideki Anno and a children's film released in 1995, written and directed by famed artist Hayao Miyazaki, and produced by Studio Ghibli. It is described in the Otakupedia as the most extensive project ever undertaken in Jappaneez Annimayshun. The anime, affectionately referred to by fans as Neon Genesis Manic Depression, illustrates a 14-year-old loser's awkward quest to get laid before the end of the world. In select video stores you can obtain a copy of this from homeless lepers that sleep on the floor in the adult section.
- Warning: THIS IS A VIOLENT PORN-UMENTARY!
Neon Genesis Evangelion began as an adult TV series but spawned a less critically-acclaimed movie for all of the kiddies to enjoy. Darker themes found in the TV series are toned down in the movie and the characters are represented slightly differently. Proud otaku generally agree that the movie version is teh ghey.
In A.D. 2015 war was beginning. International mega-bastard and über pimp Gendo Ikari invites his whiny and flamboyantly homosexual son, Shinji, to Tokyo 3, the superfluous third Tokyo (because just having two wasn't good enough). Located in Tokyo-3 is Gendo's mysterious post-modern corporation NERV, founded to make fun of Christian and Jewish symbolism and store massive piles of random junk, such as giant cybering webcams and the Michelin Man, who is impaled on a cross with the world's largest tuning fork. It is revealed later in the series that the Michelin Man bleeds Tang, which is dumped into the cockpits of Evas to keep the pilots from slitting their wrists in fits of philosophical thought.
Gendo's plan is to offer his spineless son an albino, personality-devoid clone of his dead mother and a redheaded psycho-bitch girl to shamelessly flirt with. To earn his keep, Shinji must join his potential mates in piloting giant robots while prancing around in a spandex jumpsuit with weapons of minor destruction to fight gargantuan Godzilla rejects that God apparently created while he was high. It is left ambiguous if Gendo's intention is to turn his son straight, because while he does basically abuse his power to force women to sleep with Shinji, he also imposes what is widely regarded among authorities as 'the gayest' possible dress code.
Throughout the whole series, the pathetic son screams and whines all the time. The time Shinji spends shrilly screaming like a little girl defies the laws of physics, by exceeding the length of the series itself. As time goes on, Shinji's condition deteriorates and his mind regresses so that he ends up being able to view life only as a series of under-funded slide shows created primarily from stock footage. Eventually, it takes the destruction of all people on Earth except one, lots of acid, and lots of product promotion for Tang™, for him to finally have sex with a girl. However, they then reveal that he really didn't. Despite it being the end of the world, and Shinji being the last man on earth (something almost every woman Shinji has ever met said would have to happen before they would have sex with the young lad), he still couldn't manage to score.
When he finally does regain his senses he finds himself alone with the last girl in the world, the annoying German uber-bitch. He tries to kill her, as would 99% of males everywhere, but, of course, he fails miserably. In the original storyboards, the plan was for Steve Ballmer to have also survived and "fucking kill" the both of them. This can be seen in the director's cuts of Evangelion, which are part of a devious plan to charge the fans an inordinate amount of money for things they've already figured out in the decade that they've been analyzing this convoluted LSD trip that some hack labeled anime.
- These names are written in the Japanese order (or "back to front"). If you value your life, do not say these names in Western order in front of a Wapanese.
Ikari Shinji: The aforementioned loser. His hobbies include depression, whining, bitching, wallowing in extreme angst, being a loser, masturbating, looking at porn and hentai, crying, crying while masturbating, crying while masturbating over comatose girls, accidentally saving the world, playing the Cello to build strength in his masturbation hand, whining while masturbating, pursuing romantic relationships with teenage boys, alcoholic women twice his age, and genetically engineered penguins.
Many believe Shinji to be one of the first true "proto-emos". Interestingly, Shinji has never been seen together with Marvin the Paranoid Android, the only other person who is anywhere as depressed as Shinji. This has lead some to believe that they are the same person, whereas others believe that if they met each other, the sheer amount of depression concentrated in one location would cause the space-time continuum to tear apart, or kill itself. Shinji is also known as the "Third Children" because someone mixed up his singular and plural nouns.
Besides hardcore masturbation and being a emo, he also has a gay lover named Kaworu Nagisa. The series comes to a stereotypical climax where it was either him or the girl. Seeing how this is Shinji, he chose the gay lover, though Kaworu, for the lack of a penis, chose death, which left Gainax to leave a still frame playing classical music for twenty minutes to piss off fans. Later, Shinji angrily masturbates over his loss.
01 Unit Evangelion: A big honkin' robot that stores the soul of Shinji's mother. Also the place where Shinji masturbates, a lot. See Oedipus Complex. Another thing is Unit 01's horn is actually a penis reference. Becomes Jesus by the end of the series. Also the only way for Shinji to win at ping-pong.
Asuka the Grouch: The aforementioned annoying, vile German bitch who deserves to be pimp slapped until her face is the same shade of red as her hair. She is psychotic, psychopathic, clinically insane, constantly in a state of PMS, only attracted to men at least twice her age (and secretly, boys with an Oedipus Complex), and prone to randomly flipping out and trying to fucking kill people. This makes her ideally suited for piloting a giant robot capable of destroying the world. Provided, of course, that the "world" is in range of the robot's extension cord. Did we mention that they have extension cords? Fans were lead into a false sense of hope when she got what was coming to her early in the movie, only for her to show up and tell everyone to fuck off at the end.
Ayanami Rei: The generic blue-haired girl with uncanny superpowers but a personality cut out of cardboard. She was created by Ikari Gendo when he threw his wife into his aquarium in a fit of rage after his fifteenth failed attempt to raise seamonkeys. Her hobbies include reading, staring out the window, staring at the wall, staring into space, boring people to death, dying, walking around naked for no reason, standing still for 20 seconds before saying something so Gainax can save money, bleeding, and basically increasing the suicide rate of all she comes into contact with. There are unconfirmed rumors that she once expanded to many times her original size, took off her clothes, and exploded. She has the ability to turn everyone on Earth into Tang™ by poking them. A recurring event in the series involves Rei dying, after which Shinji squeals "Oh my god! They killed Rei!", followed by Asuka screaming "YOU BASTARDS!" In a blatant disregard for continuity, Rei appears again in the following episode as if nothing ever happened.
Ikari Gendo: International Mega-Bastard, Ikari Gendo is afflicted with particularly poor teeth, and was forced from a young age to wear giant braces. Due to this he never, EVER reveals his mouth in front of company. Hobbies include having adulterous affairs with co-staff, neglecting his son, plotting to overthrow SEELE, and molesting pre-pubescent females. Has eaten the world's most exotic brine shrimp that was brought to him by his personal assistant Johnny Depp. He has been the subsequent runner-up for the World Wost Parenting Award ten years running, beaten only by John Edward and Darth Vader, for the last five years. Gendo, from what is known to this date, is running for United States President under the ticket of family values and a truly "United States", which has to do something with Tang™, and raping Rei. He kills Ritsuko, making him a murderer and also a douchebag. Gendo caused Second Impact by playing the Artist Formally Known as Prince's $19.99, which threw off the plot of the entire story before it even started, which goes back to why anyone even bothered to write the story in the first place. Anyway, playing $19.99 is a cosmic expiration date, which, after expired can't be used. Gendo, by playing the song, caused millions to die for his own enjoyment.
Katsuragi Misato: Her brilliant battlefield tactics are powered by beer; the more beer she drinks, the stupider her plans become, and therefore the more likely they are to succeed according to the Laws of Anime Physics. Her hobbies include drinking, having drunken one-night stands with total strangers, having drunken one-night stands with friends, shooting people she has slept with then getting all emo about it, molesting boys half her age, and guilting or sexing people into doing what she wants. She probably has an important role in the story, but the viewers are invariably transfixed by her hypnotic boobies whenever she starts yammering, and nobody understands the significance of her character. She gets shot and killed by the bad guys. Some say she only drinks because she saw her dad get killed by God. Christians disagree, arguing that having God personally kill a family member is a great honor.
Akagi "Blenda" Ritsuko: The Ubergeek and Gendo's personal ho. Her hair is not acutally blonde, which angered and insulted Reese Witherspoon. Believes that a computer is her mother. She invented new math and is capable of solving problems by making up new laws of physics, none of which make any sense (see also: Chewbacca defense). Is in charge of the Final Solution to NERV's excess stockpiles of coffee and cigarettes. Hobbies include smoking, sexually abusing Rei, molesting Maya, spouting technobabble, yelling "That's not possible!" whenever anything happens that can't be explained by her "science" and just standing around looking simultaneously really really ominous and really really hot. She looks like that slutty teacher from the best hentai around, Bible Black. She seems to believe that her mother had an affair with Gendo, and later Sylvia Plath'd herself.
Ibuki Maya: Bulimic hermaphrodite and Ritsuko's personal loveslave. She looks exactly like a female version of Shinji, leading many to suspect a lack of effort on the character designer's part. Hobbies include kissing Ritsuko's ass (both figuratively and literally), getting spanked by Ritsuko, getting tied up by Ritsuko, stating completely obvious things, cowering in fear, and vomiting whenever something icky happens. Also provides invaluable service to NERV headquarters by hysterically squealing "it's an Angel!" when the blazing red lights go off and the word ANGEL appears in big scary letters on the screens. Saw an illusion of Ritsuko coming towards her to have what she thought was smex, instead Maya suddenly turned into Tang.
Maya's collegues: There's.. uh.. that androgynous-looking guy with the guitar, and, uh.. the other had glasses, right? No one cares about them though, as they aren't hot lesbians.
Kaji... Ryoji Kaji: He uses his powers of being a self-righteous bastard, and The Power Of The Mullet to get into the pants of any chick and fourteen-year-old boy he wants. He likes to tell people that he's a triple agent, but he's really only a double agent (and only that by a technicality). Hobbies include standing around, annoying people with his smug flippancy, drinking coffee, hitting on lesbians, watering the watermelons, offering irrelevant philosophical advice during massacres, and being utterly useless at contributing toward solving any problems whatsoever.
Ikari Yui: Shinji's mom and Gendo's wife. She puts on a facade of cheer and good nature to hide her vengeful, cannibalistic urges. She is commonly credited with being the first person to use an antimatter diet as a method of weight loss. Uses the words "spiffy" and "guestimate" a lot. Also is very hot, which explains why Gendo would like to turn everybody on Earth into Tang™ to have sex with her again. Although this process does not really bear up to logic, Gendo has never shown an inclination to logic when his wee-wee gets tingly.
Asuka's Mom: Asuka's mother, and Asuka's father's wife. Like her daughter, she was clinically insane, which made her awesome in bed. Once snapped a puppy schnauzer’s neck for chewing on her favorite rag doll. And subsequently ate its head. Without chewing. Killed herself for no apparent reason which turned Asuka into the emotionally charged bitch we know and love, responsible for mindrape.
Akagi Naoko: Mother of Ritsuko and inventor of a multi-trillion dollar computer that doesn't do much other than play screensavers from the 1980's and occasionally attempt to self-destruct. She is an avid supporter of post-mortem organ donations. Her hobbies include making out with total assholes, screwing her daughter over, and strangling young children who give her shit when she's busy. Otherwise, a pleasant woman.
Horaki Hikari: Mono-nippled class committee representative in Shinji's class. As name implies, she is both a whore and a hick. Once proposed putting Silly Putty on the school lunch menu. Dumber than a stoned goldfish. Would be much more interesting if she was a lesbian.
That Annoying Kid In The School Who The Dorks Make Fun Of: Also known as Kensuke the gay man, but nobody cares anyways. Can be recognized by his ultra awkward voice in the English versions of the anime, which sounds similar to someone who has a gerbil permanently lodged in their throat trying to vomit. Has no real purpose other then lusting after Misato and promoting G.I. Joe.
Suzuhara Toji: From Shinji's class, acts like a little punk but deep down inside he's a pussy, which is verified when he goes every day to the hospital to eat out his ailing sister. Wanted to bang Horaki, but is turned off after seeing her single nipple. Once knocked out Shinji in a pointless attempt to prove his masculinity and defend his honor as a gimp, and in another incident showed his wang to Asuka the Grouch, who promptly planted her steel-toed boot into his left nut. In another occasion, he even attempted to pilot one of the big honkin' robots mentioned above, <drum roll>
Nagisa Kaworu: Flaming homosexual with albinism, like Rei. Created by Pen-Pen by surgically removing the left nipple of Horaki Hikari, microwaving it on "thaw" for 59 minutes, and bitch-slapping what came out. He was originally sent to NERV to see if Shinji was gay, and if so, have lots of gay sex with him. He ended up screwing Rei instead, which he described as "kind of awkward at first, but then REALLY weird when I found out she was my sister". This drove him to become suicidal and ask Shinji to pop his head off "like a Pez dispenser", but of course had lots of gay sex with him first because if he did not, the yaoi fangirls would have suicide bombed GAINAX out of disappointment. His death caused Shinji to become so depressed that he could only view reality as a series of annoying slide-shows, some set in the disturbing and alien dimension of live action and crappy crown drawings. Nowadays, he is known as "The Rapist Formally Known as Kaworu" and huffs kittens in his free time. He seems to spend his days with other men, such as Phoenix Wright, Ryu, and even Ash Ketchum. He only appeared in one episode, but this made such an impact that people everywhere in Japan started PMSing everywhere.
Pen-Pen: The mastermind behind this whole fiasco, and owner of Misato. While people tend to think of Pen-Pen as the pet, it's actually quite the opposite. Pen-Pen captured Misato several years ago in the African Red Zone with an Ultra Ball and has since managed to train her to be his completely obedient sex slave. In the underground community of Kabblistic monks, Pen-Pen is known as GOD.
SEELE members: 12 old geezers that live in black boxes and unofficially rule the world. They plan the destruction of the world by Tang™ing everyone and keeping down the Metric system. They run NERV, the UN, Eva's 6 to 13, and a small but slowly expanding chain of soft pretzel stands. They also have a severe rivalry with other Illuminati groups like The Patriots and Hollywood and claim they stole their original ideas for world domination and force them to "go with the plan with the fucked-up kids, the psycho bio-mechs and that douchebag Gendo".
Magi: Three computers designed by Akagi Naoko with a brilliant program that gives them the decision-making capabilities of three fickle and emotionally unstable personalities of her own. Consulted frequently by NERV for advice on saving the earth from utter cataclysm. Their names are borrowed from the biblical three wise men, Melthazor, Balthazar and Tyranitar. Credited with holding the largest cache of porn in the world.
The watermelons: Genetically mutated and trained by SEELE to assassinate Kaji.
The JSSDF: A bunch of kids that were always picked on in school who decided that destroying a big ass ball underground was the way to take out there rage. Also they were after NERV's supply of TANG.
Other people: They do stuff, but not as much stuff as you might think, they are there pretty much just to be turned into goo and as a rule its not very interesting stuff unless you are into that kind of thing... oh you sick bastard.
Yoko Takahashi: Sang the opening theme song "A Douchebag Winged Flying Creature's Presentation". Also sang 'Fly me to the Moo-Moo.' Sang songs for other anime as well, and gets into frequent catfights with Megumi Hayashibara.
The cicadas: The loud chirping sound in the background, day and night, that drowns out most of the dialogue.
The timeless plot of Evangelion made into a movie by none other than Japan's beloved Hayao Miyazaki. His work with children's stories made him a natural pick for the movie adaptation. Upon accepting the offer to direct, Miyazaki is quoted as saying, "It's this story's optimism, love, and upbeat attitude that inspired me to work in the anime industry."
Upon hearing this quote, many anime fans are quoted as saying, "Oh crap, this movie is gonna blow!"
The film is a classic coming of age tale, set in rural Japan. It focuses on the lead character Shinji Ikari's transition into womanhood. Shinji is a precocious young girl who lives with her father Gendo Ikari (played by Lars Ulrich) a bumbling professor at the NERV institute. Shinji discovers a path in the nearby woods that leads her to discover a large creature known as the Evangelion. Together they go on an adventure to find a way to advance human evolution.
Over the course of the film, Shinji meets many characters, such as Asuka, Rei, Misato and many more. After they join her quest, the group has several adventures which all offer a painfully fluffy moral.
First, Shinji's friend Rei accidentally is killed, only to be revived. This is a repeating motif in the film, and shows that actions often lack consequences.
Next, Shinji gets into a fight with one of her friends, who was driven mad by bad berries. Shinji uses her Evangelion to fight her companion, and is forced to kill him. This offers the moral coda that sometimes in life we are forced into killing people we care about.
After that, Shinji's friend Asuka, who was searching for her home, finally reaches her goal only to find that her mother had killed herself. The moral here is that home is where the heart is.
However, Asuka eventually ends up in a coma after getting lost in the enchanted forest the Eva lives in. Shinji finds this to be the perfect time to pleasure herself over the body of a comatose (yet hot) girl. The moral here is that it's basically okay to do whatever you want to comatose people.
Later Misato saves Shinji from being buttraped by the bad people. She gets suckerpunched and dies forever. Rei appears over her body and rapes her. Meanwhile Asuka wakes up and experiences instant mindrape. Later on Ritsuko waits for Gendo, who shows up with Rei. Gendo and Ritsuko fight, and Gendo spouts inaudable Darth Vader shit about "I am your father." Ritsuko then gets shot and turns into Tang. Rei appears over her as she gets tang'd. Meanwhile Maya sees an image of Ritsuko, and gets turned into tang as well.
Finally, Shinji and what is left of her friends and the Evangelion begin the Human Instrumentality Project™ to attempt to make everyone on earth happy. However through her adventures, young Shinji has grown up and now understands that humanity can all just get along if we work at it.
The film closes with a montage of happy faces, and children of all colors and religion singing together in the streets, every element of the film now completely and coherently resolved. The Platinum Edition, by popular demand, is sold with a bag to vomit into.
Critical reception and box office gross
The film grossed 150 million yen (about the price of a cup of Starbucks coffee and a cookie) and also grossed an audience of 14 million. The film’s financial success was met despite relatively bad reviews of the film. Most critics complained that the film was too upbeat, and that its ending seemed forced and overly simple. Despite this Hayao Miyazaki is quoted as saying that he considers the film his most important work. He suggests that children should view it as a guide to their own personal struggles into adulthood.
Needing more cash to by their shit, Gainax has rushed out a "sequel", Rebuild. The plot and animation are a complete reuse of the TV show, the only changes are that Shinji now has a cunt(instead of just being one), Asuka is now a German dyke, and Rei is a blue dick.
The original TV series was loosely based upon two books: Kazuo Ishiguro's The Remains of the Day and the anonymously authored 1979 novel, The Vision of Evangelion. The original plot of The Vision of Evangelion featured the touching story of an autistic boy with an alcoholic father coming to terms with his condition, but was erratically translated into Japanese to become what critics would refer to as 'the most sexually explicit account of a giant robot orgy ever printed'. Sales of the Japanese version skyrocketed in Japan, prompting an accurate English translation of the mis-translated Japanese version, which was blasted by most literary critics.
Neon Genesis Evangelion was created a decade ago by Hideaki Anno, a 35-year-old virgin. The show is based upon the fictitious pimping experiences of his god-like alter ego. He has still to cease creating director's cuts, platinum variations, extra collection sets, producer's visions and other special editions of the TV series. The main differences between these editions can be seen in the gamma correction, which Anno randomly tweaks for every release. Occasionally he also adds new scenes to the show, which mainly consist of a still frame showing one of the characters staring at a wall for five minutes, or rearranges the ending arbitrarily to something even more incomprehensible.
NERV and its mischief was opened to public knowledge after Third Impact, and since that time countless historians, conspiracy theorists, and pornographers have immortalized this organization's attempts at lifesaving , one of man's greatest undertakings. A seminal work is Up Your Arsenal: The Untold Passion within NERV, by Squidward Thomasville de Testiclechew, in which the steamy affairs, heterosexual and otherwise, which permeated the work atmosphere and in some events almost jeopardized mankind's saftey and healthy, are painted with a lurid eye for perverted detail. Yet another is the pedantic Convenient Truth, in which Al Borland proved through extensive examination of all fifty Eva models that robots are awesome and "the only perfect partners". Also, highly obscure anime and manga were made about the defunct and now worthless project, worthless because NERV screwed up royally and its wonderfully adjusted, unflappable pilots were unable to cope with Rei Ayanami's suicide/sabotage. Jorge Costanza's Ballad of Robot Gaol relates his cruel imprisonment by that wonderful humanitarian Kofi Annan as punishment for infiltrating NERV's North American headquarters in Intercourse, PA, whilst on a mission to update his conspiracy theory website, which he was especially proud of because it played the X-Files theme. Whatever Happened to Robot Jones is a three act play in iambic pentameter, written by C.S. Lewis, that tells the story of the notorious Evas 18 through 20, which attended middle school due to faulty Phillips analog chips and eventually were, thanks to the wonderful intolerance of the in-crowd, hunted down and melted to be sold to Yoko Ono for sculpture fodder. Various other tell-alls, pornographies, low-grade rockumentaries, and extremely poorly written (grammatically speaking, certainly not as far as lewd detail is concerned) fanfics abound regarding NERV, Neon Genesis Evangelion, and the Three Impacts, etc.