Evesham
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They may be afflicted with Attention Deficit... hey, we should go fly kites. That'd be so awesome! We haven't flown kites, since, like, summer. Hey, summer is when birds come out! Birds are so cool. |
“We know who you are. Stop changing what you cannot control.”
~ The Guild
“Please. Kill. Me. Quickly.”
~ Euthanasia Patient on Evesham
“About as useful as a euthanasia patient ”
~ Bad-joke Man
“I FUCKING LOVE BIG BLACK DICKS! ”
~ Evesham n00b
Evesham (aka Eveshamski due to the noticeable Polish influx) is a large Fortress Town situated in Worcestershire, England. Evesham was founded in 1992 by a woman called Eve. Eve was a traveller who had misplaced some meat she had obtained from a pig earlier in the week. The meat was found close to the mud-filled River Avon, and the people she was with decided to set up a permanent place of residence. They named the city Evesham (or Eve's Ham as it was known back then). It has been put forward that Eve and her posse were in fact lost and had been looking for something better.
Eveshamski is still home to a large number of travellers who congregate in several districts; "The Rynal", "Coronation Street" and many other hotspot areas. Such hobbies in this areas of town include playing football in the street, walking the dog (and allowing it to foul on the pavement), arson, vandalism, origami, model train enthusiasm, theft and gardening (Well, dumping fertilizer).
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[edit] Geography
Eveshamski(abb. 'Shamski, or Asum) <- (srsly who the fuck calls it that everyone knows its called sham) is located on the shoreline of the River Avon. Eveshamski(abb. 'Shamski, or Asum) is located on the shoreline of the River Avon. The Avon consists of approximately 45% mud, 23% water, 14% sewage and 18% corpses. An annual fishing contest are held on the Avon every year and the winner is the first competitor to catch a fish. Dead fish, frequently known as 'The Fish That Have Ceased To Live' are the local inhabitants of the river, rumoured to be as filthy as a chav's living room. Such contests have been known to last for days and even months before a winner is announced, that is, if the announcer hasn't left by then for a cup of tea and a biscuit. And a light spot of necrophilia, old chap. Since the first contest in 1995, there have only been 3 winners.
The local river tribe, known as Imperialists, are a small race of 'true' British people who refuse to admit the fall of the British Empire. Although frequently sighted looking snobbishly menacing in their red uniforms, fishermen are sometimes fooled by the deceptively friendly and 'gentlemenly' conduct of these 'Imperialist' individuals and are as a result hunted down and shot by their almighty muskets, which have a potentially lethal range of 5 metres. Instead of buckshot and pellets, the tribe fires the remnants of small fish and wildlife from the river, helping to continue the circle of life even when the fish are dead. They are famous for their red uniforms, splendid grey facial hair, colonial vocabulary and reluctance to accept history. They are famous for slandering Tony Blair at the last general election for allowing women the vote. Their leader is known as the Tory MP (often pronounced Tor-ray em-pee.)
To the North of 'Shamski lies the village of Birmingham (often referred to as 'The Dark Abyss') and to the South, the Cotswold Mountains (home to several indiginous mountain folk guarded by who appear to be headteachers of local schools, but are remnants of the oldtime Gods, now personified and living perfectly happy lives whilst dressed in wool and tweed) and some unknown metropolis-like location called London. Reports of this 'London' hub are sketchy and unconfirmed, but sources state that some brave lone travellers have indeed been to the marvellous metropolis and returned speaking of large scale pigeon infestations, many blinding and flashing lights, large collections of mysterious hooded figures and a house full of commoners (referred to as a House Of Commons).
[edit] Population
'Shamski is home to:
- 12% British
- 25% Polish
- 43% Chav/Inbred
- 20% Cowley
- 3% Poor At Maths
- 1% False Statistics
People living in 'Shamski tend to say 'Gizz'a fag, bhey!' or 'Empty ya' pockets mush,' quite often. They also refer its proper name as 'Da 'Sham'. Other citizens include farmers, often totally arseholed from drinking local cider all day (also known as 'paint-stripper'). Recently, the local sport of 'hay snorting' was banned due to jealousy from the cider and complaints from local cattle. One spokesman simply said "Moo."
The rest of the population are consists of chavs. The less said about them, the better.
Particularly the fucking fat ugly one that hangs around the shopping centre. Sheesh. I'm surprised his mother didn't drown him at birth. Has she never heard of coathanger abortions? Maybe she committed suicide instead, seeing what she'd brought into the world? Either way, he is affectionately referred to as Jumpsuit John, as he walks around in his giant stretchy (gravity-defying) baby-gro all day, taking his place as the smelly obese c*** of the Evesham chavs.
The current hangout for the local population of Chavs is currently Morrisons PLC, the local yellow-emblazoned shite-paying stingy place where the workforce are starved and overworked. Ken Morrison is once noted as describing this store as "...the place where food is sold..." Morrisons, just like the majority of 'Evershum' locations, is overrun by chavs by midnight all hanging around the blasted ATM machines where they spit at any passers by and like to work on their very limited repertoire of "huh?", "You starting?". or "Innit." Most pikeys can be deterred, however, by the mention of anything related to cleanliness; references to 'anti-perspirant' or 'bathing' are found to be extremely effective.
Nevertheless, care should be taken in the vicinity of this place after the watershed. Government recommendations including carrying a large selection of bladed and blunt weapons was hugely encouraged, since carrying a large scythe whilst walking past chavs acts as an effective deterrent. Use of the scythe, whether in self-defence or not, is also encouraged. 'Shamski also has a dangerous build-up of 'emos', a dangerous and infesting culture which spread like locusts. Just like chavs, they try to impose their god-awful music onto others in the vain hope they can infest and brainwash other cultures. ALso similar to chavs, they are very defensive of their rights as a 'culture'. The 'emo' tribe of 'shum worship popular figures of hatred such as Brandon Urie and Gerald Way, regarding them as uber-gods. The population of 'Shamski often enjoy 'Emo-Whacking' day, a popular pastime and pastiche of the 'Whacking Day' festival shown on the Simpsons. Emos are often led into traps by mentioning special buzzwords, such as 'haircut' or 'MySpace'. Overall, they are a weak and feeble culture, but yet still prove to be as big a problem as the chav infestation.
A solution was put forth by a Polish man to convert the Emo population to a crazy nutball religion and hope it motivates them to actually kill themselves, and take a few infidels with them.
[edit] Local Government
Since the Communist revolution of Easter 1998, around the time of the great flood - the Mayor of 'Shamski has been an Ex-Soviet monkey called Vlachko. Vlachko has supreme rule over Eveshamski and has turned the local economy around; after wiping out the dwindling shopping district of Port Street in favour for more 'decentralised' businesses to open up, (usually run from the basements and/or first floor of many of the populations houses) he enjoys a banana. Or two. These 'businesses' concentrate on the strong need for import/exportation of different goods around the county of The Shire* (since made famous by The Lord of The Rings Trilogy).
- The Shire is commonly known as Worcestershire.
[edit] Industry
Back when 'Shamski was first formed, it's main industry was Food. It was the home of many food factories, the most popular of which was 'Shamski Foods, providing snacks and foods for many indigineous dwarf tribes who paid in woven silk and golden coins and graven images of the Gods. However due to "The Great Chav Crash" of 1995, 'Shamski's main industrial focus was lost, with many of these places now derelict and closed down through bankruptcy. The NEW main industry is now 'Chav Manufacture'. Many places will tell you they have many chavs, but Evesham has the most, many just tend to move to these other places.
Fact - 'Shamski makes Chav's, other places just hoard ours after a while.
[edit] Scandal
'Shamski High School centre for regional educational development since 66 B.C is perhaps one of the best places to see natures cruelness in one place. David Bellamy, the world's greatest biologist once called it "A hot bed for new biological life forms". 'Shamski High offers many new biological species such as the chav/jippo hybrid. It's a chav, cross-bred with a chav and often resulting in what is called an uberskank. Weighed down by large quantities of Lizzie Duke jewellery (most probably stolen) they walk with a hunched back and shuffle the streets often stopping every few metres to loiter and cause a nuisance. The sheer amount of STI's that each hybrid has makes it dangerous to stand even within a few feet of the gypo/chav. New research suggests they are able to transmit these infections by breathing alone. Humans are urged to carry a scythe for self defence. Or just kill and repel the menace. But at least they can wake up every morning and think "At least I don't go to Prince Henry's".
Evesham High, You may not like it, but consider the Alternative.
[edit] Seasonal Events
Once a Year, Evesham will be visited by the Mop, a terrifying evening when a gigantic Mop piloted by Gypsy folk will rain down plastic cutlery upon 'Shamskians and cause grievous injuries to anybody in the vicinity. They also bring a small pathetic set of fairground attractions that draw the Chavs and lesser intelligent 'Shamskians out in to the Streets.
[edit] Little known Facts
- We know who you are.
- ...and you have our stick.
- 'Vale' is a synonym for Retard. The Vale of Evesham School was built 3 days after the founding of Evesham to contain the mentally disabled.
- An underground vertical tunnel links 'Shamski with New Zealand
- 'Shamski shot JR.
- 'Shamski can be seen from the Moon
- 'Shamski's real name is unknown.
- 'Shamski is officially kickin' rad.
- Citizens from Evesham are also called Dave, Dave-ites or -insert-real-first-name-here- Dave.
- A cull of Dave's has recently been announced by the Government.
- ...ah, fuck.
- Trio biscuits are illegal in 'Shamski
- The laws are cloudy about the KitKat Chunky.
- A crack den is located in the town centre. Next to Game. Yeah, you thought that smell was the chavs, didn't you?
- Phil Collins (right) purchased the town of Shamski from Chav Industries in 1984
- 'Shamski escaped bombing during the war because German pilots mistook it for Poland, and didn't want to ruin Joseph Mengele's world changing research.
- Dave
- Dan Ring famously fixed the Evesham High Head Boy Elections, and him and his cronies saw fit to vandalise this page.
- They failed.
- It is impossible to escape from 'Shamski, and no matter where you go in the world you will meet at least one person from there.
- Prince Henry's actually has a much worse drugs problem than any other school in Worcestershire (Source: West Mercia Police, Drugs a Problem in Schools? April 2005)
- Shamski has recently introduced a 'Whack-a-Crack' game, designed to encourage the rampant bloody murder of drug dealers.
- ...patent pending, of course.
- 'Shamski's underage teenage drinkers favour Cider (mainly Strongbow, or a sweeter local version called 'Semen') & Whiskey (Jack Daniels) as their preferred drink.
- Chav girls are often found bragging about the amount of Whiskey and Semen they can drink in a day.
- The Dodo is still alive in 'Shamski
- The Regal cinema in Shamski has recently been announced to be under development, and will become a brothel in 2010.
- Evesham has often been referred to in medical journals as Darwin's waiting room.
- I will be back to kill the fucker who keeps changing my page...soon.
- Epic is a word used by local 'Sham idiots or virgins. *sigh*
- Eveshamski is known to have residents who have no simple grammar skills and are likely to be the the result in breeding Vale of Evesham detainees and Prince Henry's High School misfits.
- Contrary to popular belief, all of Evesham's base do NOT belong to us.
