Evil Dead 2
“Shop smart. Shop S-mart...YA GOT THAT?”
“I'll swallow your SOUL!”
Evil Dead 2 (A.K.A Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn or Evil Dead 1: This Time it's a Comedy or the Bible) is the 1987 bastard love child of God and Bruce Campbell. Although God insists Evil Dead 2 is a sequel to Evil Dead and not just the same story slightly altered and starring completely different starving actors (except returning Bruce "Jesus" Campbell), we all know that's a lie and God was just on crack.
Evil Dead 2 was created when God was impregnated by unknown means after an acid,mushroom, mescaline, and DMT trip. Deciding abortion was not the right path, God said Papa don't preach and made up his mind that ooooh he was keeping his baby uh huh he was going to keep his baby ooooh. And thus was the birth of Evil Dead 2.
Some sceptics like Michael Jackson believed Evil Dead 2 was simply a cover-up to try and hide the fact that God just f-ed up on Evil Dead and that he finally was given holy guidance by Jesus and/or Bruce Campbell (who is known to be 'mmm 'mmm good!) which made it clear to him that things are cooler in Mid-evil times, thus leading to the alternate ending of Ash Williams being sucked back in time to Mid-evil New York which lead to the sequel...to the sequel...Army of Darkness.
Regardless of how Evil Dead 2 came about, it can be agreed that Evil Dead 2 surpasses it's brother, Evil Dead, in all areas except for that of tree rape which will be missed by everyone except Germany and Dr. Phil, to whom it brings up repressed memories of childhood and The Oprah Show.
Casting: THERE COULD BE ONLY ONE
Evil Dead 2 stars the demi-god Bruce Campbell as Ash Williams and co-stars Bruce Campbell's chin. Both actors are the focus point of the movie and also helped to produce the cult classic. Other character are dead now...probably...hopefully. The spot of Ash Williams had many competitors ranging from Tim Curry to Oscar Wilde's decaying cadaver. To be fair God could only issue a death match between all qualifying actors from which THERE COULD ONLY BE ONE! The battle was furious and lead to the death and decapitation of many B-list actors including Gary Coleman, Mr. Bean, and baby-faced hottie Toby Mcguire who was later resurrected by the Necronomicon so he could star as Spider-man (the Necronomicon was graciously donated by Campbell which lead to his cameo's in the movie and thoes to follow). Needless to say the battle ended with Bruce Campbell winning against Tim Curry who was spared and left the death arena with only minor injuries and castrated.
Other characters include Linda #2, the orphan Annie who's mother Henrietta tries to swallow her soul after becoming a deadite in the basement, Ed the talking horse, Jake 2.0, and Bobby Joe who is the only dyke apart form Been Hood. Needless to say all these characters suck on account of...
- They die
- all lack chainsaw hands or other sharp appendages
- none of them are hot
- none of their chins can be seen from space
- They die
- they all lack screwing potential
- Bobby Joe is a name only sutiable for dykes, only Been Hood is.
- Ninjas pwn Pirates
- They die
Plot...and/or lack of
The story starts off with Ashley "Ash" Williams bring his less-then-hot girlfriend Linda #2 to a cabin located on a flying island previously owned by Pee-Wee Herman. Trying to get his lady love in the mood for a nice poke Ash stumbled upon a High School Musical soundtrack which he unknowningly plays reserecting the dead which happen to be of the evil sort and not the fun-loveing kitten sort. As the night goes on Ash's luck does not change after a chain of unpleasent event unfolds beginning with the transformation of Linda #2 into a life-size Barbie of which Ash has no trouble beheading and burying because who wan't a Barbie when you can have a Bratz? Ash is then subjected to the power of evil and is momentarly transformed into Snoop Dogg before the light of day appears, for a brief 5 minutes, cleansing his soul of pimp juice. After this, various episodes of clay-mation appear and Ash proceeds to kill them including Wallace and Gromit whom infect Ash's hand with more pimp juice forcing him to sever it from his body before the T-Virus spreads through it.
At this point Ash shows obvious signs of dementia as he starts to laugh with furnature while watching Hannah Montana and playing Girl Talk 2. As Ash deals with his growing schizophrenia Bravo team is launched and makes it's way to Pee-wee's floating island where Ash is currently fighting the Disney reserected dead. Bravo team end up in Care-a-lot having failed to achieve proper mapquest directions and Alpha team is then dispatched in their place. Alpha team arrives to find a severed pimp hand that was not kept strong (Ash's) and are then brutally murdered blah blah blah eccept for the orphan Annie who uses her power of singing and years of abuse to create a song to open a rift in time hurling everything through it before she is slayed by an idle hand. Because the orphan Annie is dead she cannot close the rift and Ash Williams, his chainsaw hand, and trusty chin are flung back in time where they are worshiped like the demi-gods they are...untill the sequel to the sequel Army of Darkness....where they are slaves...
Somewhere in the story a book bound in silly puddy and written in the blood of Chuck Norris, The Chuckronomicon, comes into play but no one really cares seeing as how it's only full of High School Musical lyrics and was supposively burned in the first movie which is not this movie but funnier *wink wink nudge nudge*.
The Soundtack of the Dead (evil dead, not fun-loving kitten dead)
- Start of something Evil and Dead
- Get'cha Severed Head off my Hand
- Chainsaw is what i'm looking for
- Stick to the 3.6 million dollar budget quo
- When there was me and your dead body (nechrophiliac remix)
- Bop back to the Mid-evil past
- A little known fact that the band Cannibal Corpse actually wrote the song "Fucked with a Chainsaw...while in detention" for the High School Musical Soundtract but was dissmissed due to lack of pages in the Chuckronomicon and shortage of Chuck Norris blood...because Chuck Norris doesn't bleed for anyone unless its Bruce Cambell.