Ex-boyfriend

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the ex-boyfriend is a subspecies of the human male ( Imbiliciis Moronii a. Prickus ), known for once having been your boyfriend before he left you for another girl


The ex-boyfriend is a subspecies of the human male ( Imbiliciis Moronii a. Prickus ), known for once having been your boyfriend before he left you for another girl (most likely younger, prettier, thinner and all round nicer), or before you tired of playing with the smallest attachment in history and decided to upgrade to a newer model.

Virtually all males can be classified as ex-boyfriends ( or ex-girlfriend, depending on their age and what they look like after you're done with them); other than Bill Gates, Wikipedia administrators, and janitors.

Types of Ex-Boyfriend[edit]

These are the definitions provided in the Encyclopaedia of Common Animals Loose in the General Population.

Assholius[edit]

This particular category of the species is well known for it's ability to charm the female into dating it, the rude comments are seen as cute and playful for a couple of days, but that stops when he attempts to sleep with all of her friends.

If you see one coming, run or defend yourself with a bat. Warn your friends too, they more than likely won't listen, but chances are you get to say "I told you so" if you're a total bitch.

There are two major subspecies of Assholius. The first of these is the Rubyournoseinitus Assholius. This sort will introduce you to their new girlfriend, tell you exactly why she is better than you, "accidentally" send you nice texts addressed to her with thousands of xoxox's and saying thanks for last night you're the best I've ever had.

The second sort is the Persistantius Assholius. These will hang around you forever texting, inviting you over, pissing off your new boyfriend and generally being a dushe. There is also a substrain of P. Assholius that are genuinely dangerous. Symptons of these include finding tyres slashed, your house egged, graffiti everywhere about how much of a whore you are and going to work or your parents houses to find he has contacted everyone there telling them bullshit. The only solution is sending a friendly letter to a mental hospital or police station.

Cheaterius[edit]

Also known as 'Tha Player', 'The Player','Social-slut', 'extremely popular'.

They appear friendly, well-liked, social and popular. And not all of them are black This particular variation of the ex-boyfriend can appear almost anywhere in any guise and is very hard to spot. From your Homie to your Goth, they hide everywhere.

Almost everyone falls for this type of ex-boyfriend the first time around. You won't get anything from him except an STD and left in debt.

This species always seems to have about six girlfriends on the go at the same time. They also let you know just how many they had when they were 'with' you, make you feel like you were the worst thing they've ever had to put up with and accuse you of being a whore while claiming exemption from your accusations against them by saying that men can't be whores. Little do they know. Best way of dealing with this; castration.

Niceguyus[edit]

That guy next door, too good to be true. Bought you flowers, took you shopping, did up your knee when you fell over that day while running from the bullies at school.

There are two types of ex-Nice Guys :

A) The guy who was always so good, that you got bored of him (POSSIBLE MYTH).


b) The guy who cut off the head of your favorite dog and mailed it to you saying "Love Me Or Die!"

Complete psychos who are usually your first and last stalker, stealing (and smelling) your underwear, trying desperately to ring you about 15 times a day and sending several SMS screaming "Why don't you LOVE me?!" or "You never loved ME!" at random intervals.

He will do you favors, and superficially behave like a good boyfriend, but expect, in return, nothing less than blind devotion and ego fellatio, probably something like "OH MY FUCKING GOD, THANK YOU, THANK YOU FOR WAITING FOR ME AFTER CLASS! I'm not worthy! I BOW BEFORE YOU, MY PERFECT ANGEL HONEY-LOVE VALENTINE GOD." Of course, even then, he will probably ask why you don't love him. If you loved him, you would KNOW he prefers sugar over honey!

You will try to break up with the Complete Psycho. You will try. But inevitably, when confronting said psycho, he will guilt trip you. What an evil bitch you are, after he was so self- sacrificing! On some level, do not want him to be utterly destroyed, as he claims he will be if you leave him. Who knows? He might really love you. Plus, the sex is good. Fine, you stay with him.

However he, ironically, will be the one to break up with YOU. After deciding, ultimately, that he will settle nothing less for mindless zombie- like devotion and worship, he will reveal that he has "fallen in love" with your best friend, who TRULY understands his passionate, heroic struggles of upper middle class suburbia. Finally, he has found someone who TRULY appreciates his deep, poetic nature, unlike you, you evil bitch. "You never loved me!" he will exclaim again, this time out of bitter conviction.

The irony fairy will then retire.

OR - MUCH WORSE SCENARIO...

Many women say that this is the worst species of ex-boyfriend. They don't introduce you to their new girlfriend because they don't have a new girlfriend. They don't vandalise things because they wouldn't know how. They certainly wouldn't call you a whore because they don't know what one is.

No. All Niceguyus does is hangs around. He watches you. He's always in the background. He sends you presents on your birthday. He tries to phone you. If you ask him why he is doing all this, he will come over all pathetic and say that he loves you. This, if left untreated, can lead to guilt trips and taking him back on if you are a weaker-willed women. If you're one of these, frankly, you deserve it. Best way of dealing with this; move to Finland, change your phone number, change your name, change your birthday - and you may still turn around when shopping in Helsinki and find him there, watching you. Loser. Or you could murder him - but then his ghost would just come back and follow you.

Freakius[edit]

Definitely the best species. The Freakius gets dumped, grins, shrugs and moves on. You never see him again. Every woman's dream? Yes, but the Freakius is extinct. Sorry to disappoint you...

Now you're wondering, how did the Freakius become extinct? Many, many years ago on a beautiful sunny day you decided that you were over what happened between you and the Freakius. You decide that you're going to find him again and befriend him. ONLY TO BEFRIEND HIM you tell yourself. So you track down the Freakius. You, being your awesome self, give him a friendly "hello" and he has the nerve to act like he has never met you and that he is way to good to even breathe the same air as you, even though YOU dumped him. Your eyes start to glow red and slimy green wasabi cucumbers shoot out of your eyes. The Freakius is allergic to slimy green wasabi cucumbers. And that is the tale of the extinction of the Freakius.

There's also a little-known subspecies known as 'youius'. This type is rarely a problem, however, because they spend so much time on uncyclopedia that they never get a girlfriend.


All of these comes in all ages, sizes and with notable differences.

Her perspective[edit]

Why? Why did I date him? Well... he was there and I was feeling a bit self consious and he was paying me a bit of attention and... then I saw him out a couple of times. But! He turned out to be an asshole! I have no idea why I went out with him in the first place! I was out of my mind and I have no idea why that stupid bitch he's seeing is even bothering. He is such an idiot and they deserve each other. Have I told you how fat she is, Oh! and she is so slutty and he just fell for it. Not classy,no friends, she's nothing like me I'm glad I broke it off, I don't regret it at all. I just expected for him to wind up alone, but apparently not. Any day now I will get a call saying how much he misses me, not that I care!

His perspective[edit]

I can't believe that she broke up with me that bitch! And now I have my new (and better) girlfriend! Maybe she's not as thin but she's just as pretty. But she wears short skirts and she asked me out so I know shes more forward. We don't talk much and my friends don't really like her as much but who cares. Whatever because my ex doesn't even have a new guy and if she did he wouldn't be nearly as awesome as me! She never should have broken up with me because I'm the best she can get. And also we had so much fun, sharing, going out and just talking... Maybe I should call... just to see how she is... WAIT! I'm with someone else and she's awesome! Maybe just a text...

The innocent bystander's perspective[edit]

Yeah! You broke up with your stupid rebound. What? You're going to ask out your ex? Are you an idiot she broke up with you! whatever dude. (damn I knew I should have called her before it was too late even though I kind of love this guy, when will he realise I'm always here when he's going through his girl troubles... sigh)

From her husband's perspective[edit]

Dude, are you here at MY door of MY house trying to ask out my wife, it was seven years ago get over it. Besides Michelle is now Michael... It's not my fault dude I SWEAR i had no idea she, i mean he was like that!

From her husband's brother's perspective[edit]

I knew I shouldn't of eaten the shrimp.