“Darreaaaggghh... Okay, I'm ready”
... and eat less. That's how to lose weight. Cheese is an excellent example of this.
The Goal of Exorcising
Exorcism is an activity embraced by fucking morons who don't have the common sense to be Lazy. The goal is deceptively advertised to make you healthy. This is, of course, a dirty fucking lie. The only real purpose of Exorcising is to inflict pain upon yourself. It has no real benefits.
What to Expect
One good thing about exorcising is that you can expect to gain an understanding of true suffering. A 25 minute workout of reasonable intensity can have you laid up for 3 or 4 days, and that's assuming you have not destroyed tendons or bones. Thanks to the United States Army National Guard, that's where I am right now, suffering through day 2.
The extent of pain is grossly unbalanced. That half-hour of time is resulting in 18 hours of exhaustion, and 36 hours of pain so far. Exorcising is clearly not fucking worth it. You put in so little effort, and get so much pain back.
To put this into perspective... Imagine going to the store, and buying a 75 cent cup of coffee. For your purchase, the manager comes out and smashes your face through a car window, then takes your mom out for a lovely seafood dinner, and proceeds to NEVER call her again. Meanwhile, monkeys rape you. This is an example of what other daytime activities would be like if they were the same as Exorcising.
Update I am now into Day 3. 68 hours have passed. My chest, ankles, back, biceps, wrists, and legs are still sore, but my lungs no longer hurt. I have earned a new hatred for physical activity. Clearly, it is an abomination.
Methods of Exorcising
- Lifting weights, which makes your muscles grow big and unfeminine.
- Jogging, pronounced "yogging" (soft J). The inventor of jogging died of, you know - a heart attack, I think. What sort of recommendation is that?
- Sex. It only uses up a few calories but you'll enjoy it more than the other possibilities. Go on, try it, just once. Of course, this assumes you already look good enough to convince someone else to have sex with you. You do need someone else - you won't use up many calories by yourself.
- Running away from incredibly good-looking people who are trying to kill you for daring to suggest that their standards are low enough that they'd be willing to have sex with you.
- Joining a Gym. When you join a gym, you are outfitted with a microscopic mind control device that forces you to endure the pain and suffering of exorcising.
- FACT- Gyms are actually built by a race of aliens known as Rigelians, who are using these "gyms" to slowly torturethe human race to death.