Fallout 3

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Fallout as seen by Bethesda.
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For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Fallout 3.

Fallout 3 is a post-apocalyptic third person/first person shooter/Sims expansion/roleplaying game developed by Bethesda Game Studios, creator of the much loved Elderscrolls series. It is the first title in the Fallout series to be created by Bethesda after senior managers decided they enjoyed colonizing already popular franchises. The game was released in October, 2008.

Background[edit]

The Fallout series was created by a little-known company called "Interplay". After releasing two critically successful RPGs, the franchise was bought out. The new owners, "Bethesda", immediately decreed that the best way to capitalize on the success of the series was to focus production on a third critically successful RPG, imaginatively titled Fallout 3.

Bethesda began production three years after testing out their newfound marketing strategy with the The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. According to Bethesda's vice president of propaganda and disinformation Pete Hines this was so all employees could complete an extensive course of playing Fallout and Fallout 2. The alleged purpose was so that they would actually have some knowledge and experience of Fallout so Hines could tell fans of the original games that it was in fact a sequel to Fallout and not a spin-off in a completely different direction. Unfortunately this ploy was undermined when his own top-level employees openly admitted to not even having seen the introduction of the first game on YouTube[1].

Gameplay[edit]

Following Bethesda's decision to proverbially ruin Christmas for the Fallout fans, the game was developed as an FPS. As such combat and exploration takes place in either first or third-over-the-shoulder person, although combat is impossible in third person view. The game makes use of a combat system that game journalists call innovative - VATS, which is basically an over-killer designed for sweaty nerds who can't play. It's meant to be a spin-off of the actual VATS used in the original Fallout. Game journalists and other dumb shits call this combat system 'half-turn-based' or 'semi-turn-based', claiming that it's a throw back to the turn-based combat of the original Fallout. Normal people are quick to realize that this is just slow-mo, something neither innovative nor turn-based (or any fraction thereof). Numerous dipshits who don't know that first-person perspective for video games is older than isometric view claim that this change from isometric in earlier games to the FPS system of Fallout 3 represents the evolution of games. Despite numerous attempts by non-morons to school them properly this misaligned view remains prominent. No famous creationists like Jack Chick have yet come out in opposition to the views espoused by said dipshits.

Characters[edit]

Your character is a superhero born to a shitty father (voiced, as always with patronizing mentor figures, by Liam Neeson) into a rabbit hole full of a diversity of insane assholes. In terms of character development, Fallout 3 introduces a brand new feature added to help the handicapped (majority) players, called SPECIAL statistics. It utilizes both first-person and third-person views. However, due to time constraints, third person is pretty goddamn shitty, making it seem as though your character is vaguely hovering across the wasteland like some sort of crippled Jesus.

The protagonist has a lot of unrealistic abilities, mainly: the capacity to carry a ridiculous amount of assorted shit and the endurance to resist dozens of bullets and leave without a scratch. However, since most players consider their character to be SPECIAL (pun intended), they consider their retarded strength to be very realistic. Another major part of character development is an assortment of either utterly useless or ridiculously overpowered perks that your character can select at each level-up.

Karma[edit]

Fallout 3's karma setup makes use of Bethesda's "arbitrary" system of good and bad. This results in some serious moral issues. For example, you can either choose to blow up a shitty-scrapyard full of cowboys, tramps and an Irish bastard (considered "evil"), or you can live in said shithole (considered "good").

Pros of blowing it up: Kill off the tramps, kill off the Irish guy, kill off the wanna-be cowboy, see the pretty explosion with a perfect view.

Cons: Absolutely no fucking cons whatsoever, unless you're a pussy and you're actually concerned with the shitty and useless "karma system". Of course in Fallout, in contrast to Fable, the goal isn't to look like a gross idiot if you're evil, but to actually have the gall to pretend it will make the player feel guilty (actually effective in most cases).

So if you're one of the few players that blows that shithole off the face of wonderful DC, you get a penthouse with an English guy at the best building in the city, where the people are actually clean (albeit conceited and still idiotic), rather than tramps, Irish bastards, or Calamity Jane.

The so-called karma system measures your morality in five levels, ranging from "very badass" to "very gay", the only variable being the homo midget that likes to play dress-up in your pip-boy screen. His closet consists of wings, feathers, foam halos, pitchforks, tails and fake horns. Compare to games like Fable, where your character, in addition to having absolutely no dialogue or personality, changes in appearance but has no otherwise noteworthy effects.

Original Concept[edit]

From original interviews, Bethesda Studios said that they wanted to create a "fun" game. They decided that doing so would require too much effort on their part. The original game was going to be named "Slutty Chimp Bonanza", but was renamed "Fallout 3", after parents complained that the name was unsuitable for children. Originally, you played the role of a protagonist named Ginfurd Turtle, an inbred pensioner with a fatal heart condition. However, this proved to be unsuccessful, as you kept dying from aneurysms. The very first creators of "Fallout 3" who started on the core game mechanics said "Let's use a game engine that doesn't fucking suck, such as the Unreal 3 engine". Unfortunately for them, they were fired. Bethesda decided that using a glitchy engine where you miss with every strike and talk to people who look like burn victims added a more "robust" element to the game. Thus, Fallout 3 was born!

Plot[edit]

In Fallout 3, the character (who we shall hereby refer to as "Sequence" because I feel like it) is born via a cut-scene where it sounds like a woman is having incredibly raunchy sex. This is where Sequence realizes how fun Oblivion with guns really is. The player sees the action from Sequence's point of view.

The player then decides the gender, future hairstyle, name and ethnicity (though everyone picks Caucasian) of the character. Creepily, Sequence's dad looks just like an older version of what the player picked, regardless of his/her choice.

Once Sequence is done indulging his/her inner narcissist, a doctor-ish guy takes you away and you hear your mother moaning as she's fingered by your dad (later cut out and replaced by the ESRB with a scene of your mom dying in labor).

A year later the character is crawling in his playpen listening to a brand new load of your father's self-righteous sermons. He then locks your playpen and leaves, leaving you with numerous sharp objects and poisonous crap. The learning curve is particularly high during this section, where the player has to learn to both move and perform basic actions (the guys over at Bethesda obviously didn't want to give you an easy game). When you press "A" next to the "SPECIAL" book (or, for those losers who think a computer is a video-game console, "E") you can read it and begin your career as a superhero. Soon thereafter your dad reappears and, after giving you a good beat down for your persistent disobedience, injects you with a sample of his blood and a small dose of radiation which makes you go into a chemically-induced coma until your tenth birthday.

You then wake up at your tenth birthday party, where everybody knows you and wants to congratulate your miraculous recovery. Everyone except, of course, for Butch, the Vault's personal communist group leader. Your first present is a Shitboy 3000 (Yu-Gi-Oh duel disk), which allows you to play your favorite card game without carrying around a duel mat. A robot proceeds to saw your cake up "by accident", which leads to the game's first morality-altering decision; twat the robot or, alternatively, beat the shit out of Butch. Butch then proceeds to pick on you with his gang of Maoist slaves, demanding your sweet roll as his way of saying congrats. Say "no" and smack him. Then you make your way to a makeshift lab where you receive the shittiest weapon in the game, a BB gun. Either shoot a mutated cockroach or beat the crap out of the guy who gave you that crap they call a gun. Shoot the Radroach in VATS (Vanarial Attack Trooper System), then go into a self-induced coma due to the sheer suffering of such a rubbish party.

You wake up six years later, during mid-puberty, and have to take some English test which basically dictates your skill. You'll most likely get something shitty like "pube sweeper" or "chiropractor". You can whine to the teacher and demand to predetermine your results instead of taking the test (though you'd miss that crazy scientist trying to stick his... ahem, "quantum harmonizer" up your "photonic resonation chamber" - it was here that the ESRB made up their mind, disgusted by Bethesda's sense of humor). Then the teacher gestures for you to step into a stationary cupboard for a physical exam ("relax, I'm a doctor"). Unable to cope with the psychological trauma, your character goes into another self-induced coma.

You wake up three years later with a harlot hovering over you, screaming about your father leaving the Vault and about her incontrollable horny desperation. Under the influence of Psycho you go on your first killing spree, trying to find the way out. Some rent-a-cops will try to stop you, but naturally they aren't prepared to control an angsty teen, so they pose no real threat. Then you kill the harlot's dad because he looks half-Muslim. Meanwhile, make sure to kill Butch unless you want to face a bunch of his communist slaves later on in the game. Escape the Vault and pat yourself on the back.

Sequence then makes his way to Megaton, a shitty place known for its citizens' constant fornication. Head of this ring is some North European Sean Connery impersonator prick who pays you to either: a) kill a prostitute, or b) let her live and use her as a sex slave. Either way, your decision leads to exactly the same consequences. Additionally, little kids are also present in the town, but due to incessant badgering by the already-disgruntled ESRB, they cannot be killed. According to Bethesda, they are "actually susceptible to kryptonite", but naturally it is the only element that isn't found throughout the game. Megaton is also famous for its great cuisine consisting of fermented radiated food, whose magic lies in not knowing which part of you will be mutated. One resident testified to being particularly pleased with his meal ("I grew two penises!").

Other notable cities include Rivet City, an aircraft carrier that got beached on the southern section of D.C. (but one passenger survived thank God!). Nobody knows how this majestic vessel got all the way up the Potomac with most of its crew dead, but scientists speculate the Magical Bacon Tornado of 2156 plucked it from the sea and put it there. It was later cleared out by a bunch of hairy dudes with guns who hated Crabs (yes pun!) and were looking for a place to crash and huff their Jet and Rad-X. Home to druggies, robots in denial and high hippies, Sequence fits snugly in.

Enemies[edit]

Super Mutants: Some green, ugly walking piles of snot, they are the result of the F.U.C.K. virus. There are only three intelligent ones in the whole game, and only two that won't shoot you: Fawkes and Uncle Leo.

Mutants: There are no regular mutants, you're either super or dead in this game.

Gok Wan: Arguably one of the easiest enemies within the game. Always drops really expensive clothes, too.

Radroaches: While completely worthless, and possessing limited attack power, they do taste like chicken. Additionally they can kill babies, NOObs and each other. The Fat Man has no effect on these nuke-resistant ugly bastards.

The Enclave: Remnants of the F.B.I., their main goals are poisoning the water supply, being genetically superior and getting their bases blown up by 19-year-old Vault dwellers, just like the F.B.I. today.

Vicious dogs: Angry dogs out to kill you. Since you probably weren't paying attention to the plot, I'll fill you in. The Enclave let the dogs out (laugh at the song reference, damn it!) and you have to put them back in again. Texas man wants them out though, so he watches them running around while he gets stiff. You want them back in so that they'll stop humping your leg. This is why Texas man must die.

Trogs: Gollum-wannabes that live in The Pitt. This awkward mutation was created when a Lord of the Rings fan accidentally had sex with a Star Trek fan. They want you dead in order to recover the Precious. Naturally, they suck at fighting (being, after all, nerd offspring) and thus die easily.

Swamp Folk: Inbred, retarded, white people from the south, also known as Southern People. They enjoy long walks on the beach, linching black people, owning punga fruit, owning slaves, hating Republicans, hating humans, not hating people born in Point Lookout, and somehow detecting non-Swamp-Folk up to 500 yards away. If you steal their moonshine you win the game.

Cock-addicts: Mutants which just can't get enough cocks in their mouthes and other orifices.

Aliens: Little green bastards who may or may not have Overshields rivaling those of 7 Halo elites' energy shields combined. Their favorite pastimes include probing, anal probing, being pedophiles (yes mister alien, kidnapping little girls IS socially unacceptable), owning alien weapons that are practically replicas of shitty human weapons, and anal probing (that's right I'm being funny and not stupid. Mod bastards...). When you kill the captain you get their ship, but since you've trashed it so badly you can't use it (E.T. laughs at you).

Humans: They suck. That is all.

Deathclaws: Mutated chameleons... or lizards or something. If you see one, please either stop, drop and roll (they love dirt on their food), roll into a ball and cover your face (so you are easier to swallow) or run (they love it when you play hard to catch). Shooting them will only anger them. Unless you have a Fat Man (mini-nuke launcher) to blow them up, you'll be flesh putty in seconds.

Ghouls: Zombies! Never mind, that's generic now. Let's be rebellious! The term grotesque, brain-eating, maggot-ridden, ugly-ass fuckers is also more socially acceptable (that's right, I tagged your mom for the umpteenth time, big whoop, wanna fight about it?). They really like it if you shoot them in the head.

Feral Gouls: The Fallout 3' equivalent to Zombies. They are just like Ghouls except for the notable "Feral" behind it. You can call 'em Zombies though; it's still not socially acceptable but they don't care. Unlike the above losers, they actually attack you for no reason, like guinea pigs. They're also really fast, really weak, and may or may not be glowing. A good way to detect them is if you hear a hissing/yelling that sounds like a guy that's had a few too many cigars (id est your mom). But by then you'll probably already be dead (as is the case with your mom).

Yao Guai: Fun, soft, peace-loving, misunderstood and cuddly animals that will play with you. Be aware that you should feed one whenever you can, for they love food and will provide you with gratuitous magical powers. Also called "Yogi Bears".

Mole Rats: Mean little bastards that look like shriveled-up penises with legs, eyes, and a mouth... and a tail, just like yours (or your mom's. I'm not sure whether you're tired of these references by now).

Mirelurks: Or crabs, or pubic lice, or red bumpies... the best defence against these guys is dandruff shampoo (short-term effects only. Consult your physician).

Mirelurk Kings: Super crabs which have developed faces and a torso. Keep away from your privates unless you want to end up looking like Michael Jackson (or... your mom).

Dad: Bonuses include copying your race and being voiced by Qui-Gon Jinn. When you leave your bank Vault he buggers off to play a virtual-reality game with a gender-confused German dude who looks like a little girl.

Robots: With stupendous long-lasting-nuke-resistant-double-A-batteries-in-high-tech-devices ("keep going"), they can easily be defeated due to their maximum speed equivalent to a retarded snail's sprint.

Bloatfly: A fly which has filled up on McDonald's and subsequently decided to take out its weight-related anger on you (see United States of America). Attacks by forcefully ejaculating into your face. Defeat by not even bothering to waste a bullet on these lowly bastards.

Fire Ants: These over-sized buggers overdosed on steroid-contaminated waters, and are now capable of shooting fire from their mouths (see politicians). The only way to beat them is to steal antifreeze from a leprechaun named Moriarty and spray it in their faces. They will humbly apologize and return to their investment bank.

Brotherhood of Steel (and Outcasts): these tutti-fruity 8-year-old prepubescents are obsessed with medieval knights, so they have dedicated their lives to traveling the wastes with pots and pans attached to their clothes as they search for Excalibur. Join or kill.

Raiders: A bunch of half-naked homos who run around the Wasteland molesting innocent 19-year-olds. They are turned on by shooting people. Fortunately so are you, you sick bastard.

Betty the Rapist: One of the strongest enemies on the outskirts of the wasteland. Some even refer to her as more of a "boss" character. She's a pensioner named betty, and she literally pins you down and rapes you if she can grab you. She's been known to fire baguettes of of her cock at you, doing major damage.

Modding[edit]

The release of Fallout 3 continued the grand Bethesda tradition of releasing crap and expecting their fans to fix it. In contrast to previous releases, where modding tools were either shipped with the game or provided for download shortly after the release of the game, Fallout 3 adopted a different marketing technique, capitalizing upon the "I'm having a great time here and you can't come" strategy popularized by Eric Cartman of South Park. Bethesda refused to confirm that there would even be modding tools right up until the day before they released them. Pete Hines was quoted as saying "up yours losers!" before he told reporters to keep his comments off the record.

System Requirements (PC)[edit]

Reception[edit]

Buy it now, and your death shall be quick and painless. Alternatively, rate this article a "five" and you won't die... yet.

See Also[edit]

References[edit]