Falun Dafa
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Falun Dafa, or 'The Great Way of the Law Wheel' is a chi-gong discipline, founded in 1992 by Mr Li Hongzhi. It is also known as Falun Gong.
Contents |
[edit] Origin
Peanuts
[edit] Practice
Some more peanuts...
[edit] Precepts
The principles of Falun Dafa are laid-down in the book, Zhuan Falun. Most westerners who've read this book state that it's pretty-much incomprehensible. This may be because it's written in Chinese, which we all know is... pretty-much incomprehensible. Nevertheless, people who can read all those rows and rows of squiggly-things tell us that that the fundamental principles are those of Truthfulness, Compassion and Tolerance. (doesn't apply to Communist)
It is claimed that the continued practice of 'the exercises' places a Falun, or Law Wheel, in the abdomen of the practicioner. The Law Wheel is a miniature of the universe itself. One of the major concerns over this voiced by the EEC in Brussels is the need find a means of to ensuring that practicioners comply with minimum tread-depth regulations, especially when practicing outdoors in winter conditions. As the wheel is inside the practicioner and not easily accessed with a conventional gauge, roadside x-ray equipment has been suggested as a possible solution. It has also been proposed to enact a Directive to the effect that all Faluns must be of standard dimensions and coloring, and must not deviate from proper roundness by more than 2.3 percent. A proposal that all Falun owners should be required to register their Law-wheels in Sweden brought a storm of protest from folk-music lovers.
Li Hongzhi is often respectfully referred to as "Master" by his followers. This should not be taken to imply anything megalomaniac, like that he is the master of the entire universe or such. In fact the Chinese term this comes from has a meaning more akin to 'teacher' than 'master.' Thus, you should be very careful not to step out of line, because he is very, very strict, and his private office has one of the largest and most fear-inspiring cane-collections in the entire galaxy.
However, Master Li does have mystic powers, as stated by himself. His Karma is so great that if you stare at his picture long enough, his eyes will start moving, and he will start talking in Chingrish. Unfortunately, many who suceeded are shunned off as "freaks" and sent to mental asylums, where their organ are taken to Thai market street as Barbeques.
Zhuan Falun states that "When struck, we should not hit back" - However it makes no mention of throws or grappling, so we presume those are OK.
Peanuts were first founded in africa by africans. They are black and have no rights. They also like poo because they are both black. Peanuts could be mashed to become peanut butter. Peanut butter is no longer like Africans. They are like the white people because they are white and creamy. The following is a long forgotten formula:
Pea + nut + white + humanoids = peanut butter
The inverse of this operation would be:
Nut + pea + poo = africans
Therefore using the distributive property, the final formula would result as:
2(pea + nut) + (white + poo) = African peanut butter
NOOB!
The CCP, in an attempt to defame its founder, stated that Master Li claims to be a God. This claim is hotly disputed by practicioners, in that no-one has ever seen him use a hand-device, and his eyes have never been seen to glow. He does however make the profound statement that we are all potential Gods, if only we could realise our true potential. He explains that we're here in this present mess called earthly existence because we're basically the badasses among celestial beings, and that we need to pull up our proverbial socks if we want to ever get out of it. The word for pulling-up socks in Chinese is apparently xinxing, a useful point to remember.
A key problem we face in achieving this xinxing, according to Zhuan Falun, is that of attachments. Therefore, in future it is decreed that all emails shall be plaintext. Anyone forwarding a Word document shall suffer an immense penalty of karma.
[edit] History
Disseminated as a series of lectures beginning in 1992, the practice rapidly spread throughout mainland China. Its merits included being relatively easy to practice, and producing rapid results in terms of improved state of calmness and general well-being. Perhaps even more significantly it has a very catchy signature-tune, soon to be heard on millions of those cheap chinese-made MP3 players throughout the land.
Throughout the 90's in China, Falun Gong enjoyed a meteoric rise popularity, eclipsing all other forms of qigong, until it became the ultimate 'cool thing' to be seen doing in public, especially in the local park at 5am. (Note that the Chinese are, as a nation, masochists, which is why they get up at this crazy hour while we enjoy our kip.) At its peak it's reckoned there were a hundred million people doing 'the exercises' every day.
[edit] The Persecution
That was until 1999, when then head-of-state Jiang "the Toad" Zemin took a fanatical dislike to the practice, and summarily banned it. His reasons have never been fully revealed, however one must consider that any organization that takes "Truthfulness" as one of its basic precepts must seem so utterly and totally alien to any politician's way of thinking, that it probably would be seen as a threat to the very continued existence of politics itself, Marxist or otherwise. Let's face it, even in our decadent, bourgeois, democratic system the idea of a truthful politician is a contradiction in terms.
The other underlying reason may of course have been that the CCP is officially a Party, and as we know, all Parties rely on boozing yourself under the table, until paralytic and senseless. Since FLG practicioners disapprove of debauchery, this means they also disapprove of the Party, and hence are seen as an anti-Communist force.
In a concerted attempt to discredit Li Hongzhi in the eyes of the Chinese public, the CCP's secret police carried out an exhaustive and detailed analysis if his expenses claims, business lunches, golf outings, etc. Despite this long and extremely costly investigation they found absolutely nothing, with the possible exception that he might have changed his birthdate to match that of Yu-huang Shang Ti.
A disturbing fact oft-quoted by the CCP is that practicioners do not believe in seeking medical attention, not even during what would be classed as a medical emergency by a typical American, such as when they have a mild sniffle. This is of major concern to the Chinese State-run medical services. The non-attendance of practicioners at health clinics is seriously hampering their efforts to collect enough human spare-parts to meet Western demands.
The Communist Party also claim that FLG has many Cult-like attributes. Professional scientologist Rick Ross has fervently backed-up this claim. It is in fact complete nonsense. Falun Gong have absolutely no association with Ian Astbury. What's more, many Chinese practicioners express a dislike of thrash metal, preferring classical. No taste, some people, I dunno.
Falun Gong have responded to these intentional slurs by publishing the 'Nine Commentaries' -A document exposing all of the evils perpetrated by Commnunists since the universe began. Only they're preaching to the converted, after all why did we spend $billions putting all those missile-silos round our nation? We know they're evil. Very evil. That's the very reason why we have, as the President puts it, a nucular capability. To keep 'em durn Reds outa here. Yeee-Haw.
Since the clampdown, the Chinese Secret Police of the '610 Office' have been employing their own special brand of skills to 'reform' practicioners back into good Commies. These include the reciting of Mao's Little Red Book at them day and night, until they capitulate. Since this is also in Chinese, nobody understands it anyway, so perhaps unsurprisingly it has no effect.
Here in the West, a frequent sight on our city streets are groups of practicioners, some demonstrating qigong exercises, whilst others place themselves into cramped cages which prevent them from either sitting or standing. Part of this strange ritual involves coating each other liberally with tomato ketchup. Others seem to have a fetish for dressing in police uniforms. Ah well, each to his own, I guess.
To foster the image that Communism is the normal state of human society, the world is actually flat, and was created out of the primeval void by Karl Marx in only three days of 1949, and so on, the CCP have engaged in a comprehensive media-blockade, filtering all Internet access, and blocking Western radio and TV feeds from being received in China. This is proving ineffective as Falun Gong-run TV stations and websites are easily able to bypass this blockade using satellites, telling the Chinese people the truth, that the world is not only round but ten-dimensional. This closely agrees with Steven Hawking's mathematical proofs that the universe is eleven-dimensional. (well, what's a dimension among friends?)
Useful Links: http://www.falundafa.org http://www.fofg.org
Not-so-useful Links: http://www.china-embassy.org http://www.rickross.org
Totally Preposterous Links: http://www.china-embassy.org/eng/zt/ppflg/t36624.htm
Uncyclopedia Note: This document shows a strong bias in its information. So there.
