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Fapping, also known as "milking the demon-teat", "choking the Great Pumpkin" and "ghost riding the whip" is required twice daily to get the poison out.

The History of Fapping[edit]

The earliest known evidence of fapping was discovered in the infamous tomb of King Tutenkhamen in Egypt, in the form of sexually explicit hieroglyphics and shallow stone trenches known as Fapping Basins. It is believed that the legend of King Tut's curse was circulated purposely to keep people from discovering that he was a chronic fapper.

Ancient Egyptian Basin for cranking one out to a Fredericks of Hollywood catalog.

By the time of the Roman Empire, fapping had spread throughout much of the known world. It was in Rome where modern fapping was honed and eventually perfected.

Following Julius Caesar's rise to power, modified bath houses called fapperies began to pop up. These were places where one might relax with a cold bottle of wine and the hot company of fellow men to enjoy a practice which later became known as mutual fapperbation.

Fapping was firmly ingrained into the global zeitgeist and stayed that way despite numerous Inquisitions, Prohibitions and Crusades throughout the ensuing centuries.

Flappers were huge sluts.

In fact, it wasn't until the 1920's in the United States of America that the next quantum leap fapping occurred. It was here, during the Prohibition Era in which a new breed of woman emerged: the Flapper.

Flappers were total whores.


Modern Fapping[edit]

“I'll fap with my hand, I'll fap in my van, I'll fap in the dark, I'll fap in the park!”

~ Dr. 'Fappin' Seuss

Modern fapping owes much of its success to the advent of pr0n. Pron, often confused with porn is pornographic material of such a virulent and erotic nature that it causes immediate fapping. This material includes, but is not limited to 20 second Emma Watson clips, tentacle Hentai and grainy camera-phone video of teenage crack whores.

Fapping technique has also developed to an extremely advanced level in recent years. Constant, almost feverish advances in the field of Applied Fapping have resulted in a veritable cumsplosion of fapping aids, the most famous of them, of course being the Fleshlight.

Potential Risks of Fappery[edit]

Although fapping is an entirely natural response to pr0nz, there are several risks to be considered.

1. You may be walked in on.

2. Once you pop, you just can't stop.

3. Someone might see you fapping.

4. You may run out of the Mighty Juice (otherwise known as Love Nectar).

5. You might be fapping in front of a window.

6. Hair growth on hand may be apparent.

7. Your mum might be watching.


“If fapping is a crime then lock me up, throw away the key and have relations with my mouth!”