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...and has been awarded a pine-scented air freshener.
“Tamia's farts sound better than her music”
“Fart noises are hilarious, especially made with one's armpits.”
Farts are thought to have originated in the time before mass evolution when every life form was a small microbe, however some people believe they originated from "Professor Hoof Arted" of LSU Farts were used as a "boost" application to escape predators that eventually evolved into a natural repellent. Males needing something to occupy their time later pioneered it's evolution for no other reason than the fact that they found it so entertaining. Aristotle was the first to insist that "fart logic" is the only logic undeniably true and indeed: "He who denied it, supplied it." Later, Descartes based his fundamental ontology for all epistemic knowledge from the phrase: "I fart, therefore I am."
Along side it's historical use as weaponry at war, Fartium also was an early free form anaesthetic well known to the Continental European Tribes although considered uncivilized by the Greeks and Romans who preferred to just throw the sick to the lions.
In the 20th century though Fartium is used as an anaesthetic (injections mostly replacing Fartium except among some rogue dentists) was abandoned mostly in the Developed World except in an emergency, it is still extensively used in Old Folks Homes though controversially sometimes as a means of keeping them quiet. To save money some western hospitals have begun reverting to the practice though. In addition, Police and other Emergency Services around the world are now realizing the potential uses of Fartium - in the UK and US it is now routine for Police to carry tins of beans and popcorn with them as well as donuts.
Apple is currently creating an amazing product, the "iFart". It will allow you to fart into a microphone, and the frequency of your fart will cause your music player to choose the song your fart wants to hear the most. It has been rumored that Microsoft, in response, is working to develop "eFarts," which will allow a user to attach a fart to an email and send it to another user. The possible incorporation of farting into the Wii has concerned the Obama administration, where Hillary Clinton has been quoted as saying that if this trend continues, no one will be able to distinguish an American from your average Scotsman. She has publicly denied the remark, but "The National Bathroom Register" has not retracted the quote.
A User's Guide to Farting
Fart (also called ass-plosion by some terminologists) is an English word which refers to flatulence. This reference is made only by those who choose to acknowledge its existence. Those who were raised by snobs will talk over the noise and then pretend not to notice the noxious fumes. The word "fart" is generally considered unsuitable in a formal conversation and it may be considered vulgar or offensive in certain environments. However, in the environment and conversation of 11 and 12 year old boys, it is de-rigeur to mention the word fart at least twice in any sentence, and to loudly proclaim any perceived evidence of such an act having just taken place. Farting is an action only employed by males. Girls of course do not fart - they 'fluff' and then blush like a blood orange. They tend to not like fart jokes because they see what a hoot guys get out of it and think to themselves, "ugh, so long as I'm not doing that, I suppose I'm still alright in the head."
Still, some rules to live by:
1. Never fart in front of a girl. Do whatever you can to get out of there if you feel one coming on--run to another room or away, say you got to go take care of something, or got to go to the bathroom, let rip there and then go back. Make sure you're not upwind from her, and that you give a few seconds for the fart to go away. Some farts can follow you around!
2. Never fart in front of a group of girls. Even if they're not your girlfriend, they may tell your girlfriend. All girls are connected to a gossip loop...if you fart in front of one, she'll tell another who'll tell another who'll tell another, and by the time your girlfriend's heard the news, every girl in town is giving you bad looks. Just don't do it. If you do, skip to 5.
3. Don't talk about your farts or farting. Girls are different, it's not all that interesting to them what you ate that caused the bomb you pumped out the other day in the locker room. If you want to compare a smell or a loud noise to a fart, just replace "fart" with "compost." ie. "This smells like compost."
4. Keep all your farting to your closest buddies. They won't be telling any girls about it for reason number 3.
5. If you do fart in front of a girl (by total accident), just say "excuse me." That sometimes works. Other times, the girl will kick you between the legs, until you grovel for mercy. You should keep at the begging for about 15 minutes. By then, she will have calmed down, although she will probably kick you one last time for good measure.
6. Ignore 1 through 5 when you are around other guys.
Main article: Fart jar
Many idiots such as the North and South Korean jar their farts to release the smell on Americans, Chinese, Russians, and Mexican immigrants to their nation. Jarring farts is very popular in the South of the United States.
Methods of Deployment
The common method of delivering a fart is, if sitting, to lean over onto one leg and trump loudly into the cushions. If standing, then one must orient the rump in an opportune direction and direct a manly staccato blast. High-pitched or 'girly' farts are strictly to be avoided and are much frowned upon. Then depending on the location and general company, one will usually raise one's eyebrows as if totally surprised by the interjection, and then waft the hand and deliver a short, and to the point epithet that will help others around him to gauge the likely 'egginess' of the impending aroma. "Better out than in" has, these days fallen out of fashion, as has the more school-boy like excited cry of "Get a load of that!" The more modern man will deliver a jolly "Wooahh!" if the deliverance has been of impressive volume and length. An oft featured 'follow-up' fart can then be exclaimed with a "Good arse!" encouragement to one's anus.
Whilst at school it is the accepted custom that if one is near a kid who has just 'blown off' (or 'boffed') to loudly make an exclamation, and then to bury one's nose under one's outer garment. A dangerous state of events can ensue from remarking too quickly on a fellow’s fart. Calling out too quickly will lead to an accusation of "First who smelt it, dealt it." This claim must quickly be followed by a rejoinder of "The one who said the rhyme did the crime". Then, if there is another party involved, he can enigmatically add: "The one who denied it supplied it". Great care must be taken if near a kid who is bigger than oneself, as a good twatting will often be meted out to the emitter of the fart.
Fart in science!
In physics, a fart is anything that can cause a massive body to accelerate. It may be experienced as a lift, a push, or a pull. The acceleration of the body is proportional to the vector sum of all farts acting on it (known as net fart or resultant fart). In an extended body, a fart may also cause rotation, deformation, or an increase in pressure for the body. Rotational effects are determined by the torques, while deformation and pressure are determined by the stresses that the fart create.
Net fart is mathematically equal to the rate of change of the momentum of the body. Since momentum is a vector quantity (has both a magnitude and direction), a fart also is a vector quantity.
There has been intense research (especially in Midwest colleges like the University of Minnesota) devoted to isolating the theoretical "poot particle" -- a little-known part of Einstein's Theory of Pootivity, postulating that farts may move as quick as light particles -- especially if Neil Bohr's hypothesis that most "SBDs" are a misunderstood attempt of communication between the more-advanced intergalactic species of the universe.
In Quantum Fartchanics, a fart can be both a farticle or a fartwave, but never at the same moment. In a famous experiement Werner Fartenberg farted particles into a supercollider, hoping to create an anti-fart particle. Unfortunately, the energy of the supercollider created massive heat and ignited the farts and blew up both the laboratory and Werner Fartenberg.
Farting is an accepted means of communication between boys and any young male who has trouble getting laid, utilized by every Boy Scouts troop - Boy Scouts earn Merit Badges for Farting - Dungeons and Dragons tree-house club and Frat house in the nation. Once it is discovered that the butt makes noises, farting is used a means of covert communication employed when in the midst of those who do not understand fart linguistics. Scores of trained SubGeniuses are currently working round the clock to translate this language. After careful observation of these elusive conversations, it has been found that "pfffff...FERP!" is fartish for "Hey dudes, how's it hangin'?" And "brrrrrrrrrrrppp!" is fartish for "I likey the big nacho." Go figure.
Farting is also considered an artistic statement. Collectors of fine fart art have private galleries in their bedrooms at their parents' houses of jars filled with this art, of which they often sell to 11-year-old connoisseurs and patrons for candy bars. This happens until their mom finds out and grounds them. While sitting around their bedrooms grounded, they begin capturing and producing their own fart art and selling it to their classmates for something to do, and the cycle repeats. Farting in each others faces is how scientologists traditionally greet each other as this was the procedure laid down by L Ron Hubbard who was the winner of the MR> Fart award every year in his boyhood Montana.
It is generally accepted that if two white emo boys want to settle a score, instead of raising fists, they'll fart each other into submission through use of the farting contest, and then go on Live Journal and write a 16 verse poem about how they enjoy the smell of their own farts and how other people's farts were "so cruel to them." Otherwise, farting contests are practiced by the Boy Scouts and bar dudes, and are considered a spectator sport (the audience being no less than 10 feet away that is).
FARTING IN NATURE
Dogs are man's best friend and of course, have a fondness of farts. When a dog's parent farts, the dog will get up even from a nap and sniff his crotch. The dog will often wiggle it's nose to tell the parent that it was a good fart. Dogs fart themselves and usually silently and deadly. Dog farts often set off smoke detectors and carbon monoxide detectors, rendering these devices useless. Having a dog is useful for a person who farts because when after cutting a big one, you can blame it on the dog, who will be happy to take credit for it. Cats do not fart and will attack dogs for farting near them. Monkeys and gorillas fart the equivalent of a small nuclear device and their farts should be avoided at all costs.
Retarded Table of the Elements
The retarded table of the elements is one of the few element lists that acknowledges Fartium's status as an element, other element lists classifying it as a compound, a mixture, or even a bodily function.
Farting on Command
The problem with a fart is that it only happens when it happens, you got to wait for it. So you wait around for it, maybe trying to coax it out, and the times it finally comes are the worst times! Now it's not so funny.
While you're busy trying to hide it, you remember hearing it's possible to fart at will. Doing so, you can make a fart joke on command (when it's actually going to be funny!), make it however long and loud you want it to be (customize it!), and not have to deal with that God-awful smell you're known for. All you have to do is figure out how. Your friends will thank you for it. It's something every guy comes across. Here's the best guide for how to make farts on command. Like any skill, it'll take some practice to get it right...but that's no biggie. It doesn't matter, this is important!
How to fart on command:
1) Get a pillow and a soft surface.
2) Place your ear on the pillow with your head turned sideways.
3) Put your butt up in the air, bringing your knees as close up to your head as possible. This relaxes your anal opening.
4) Once you're relaxed enough, you should feel a strange sensation...this is air traveling into your colon (intestines).
Through practice you will be able to do this by just sitting down.
How to Light Your Farts
Fartium is highly inflamable. Igniting farts, also known as fart combustion or pyroflatulation, is practiced by as a sacred ritual in many communities and a rite of passage. It is possible to ignite one's own fart but it is best done with the help of a "spotter". Once you have consumed a meal guaranteed to cause gas, sit on a hard chair. When you feel a fart coming you should grasp the chair firmly with both hands and pull the chair towards your arse until the feeling subsides. This step is to contain as much gas in your bowels as possible before ignition. Once you feel you can not possibly contain any more gas in your bowels, stand up and remove any pants, underwear, skirts, kilts, shirts, brassieres, condoms, or other flammable items from your lower half. If it's cold out you can keep your socks on. Not necessarily on your feet though. Sit on a lazy boy. Have your spotter get ready with a Zippo lighter. Other lighters that run on butane burn much too hot for this to work.
(You can trust me, it's perfectly safe to do this .)
A propane torch or Bunsen burner may also be used. Once your spotter is ready, recline the chair, then grab your ankles and hoist your legs up above your chest. This should point your anus up, allowing the gas to be expelled rapidly and mix with the oxygen in the surrounding air. Your spotter should then hold the flame as close as possible to your anus without burning you. If your spotter burns you, yell. Once the flame is in position, clenching your abdominal muscles should force an ass cheek slapper out. It should mix with the air and ignite. If you've done this properly, a largish orange green fireball should appear and immediately dissipate and detonate in the radial size of a nuke. The feeling experienced is akin to throwing eggshells at a porn star.
Farting is sport all over the world. Training often starts very young on the playgrounds and in the bedrooms all over America, and by the time a person is about to go professional, they’re usually seen competing around the world to an audience of millions (guys on youtube with nothing else better to do, that is). If you got the skills to make the kills, and you think you got what it takes to go pro…you got to start now. Here’s a simple guide to everything you need to know about how to win your first match. So kids (boys), this one’s specifically written for you:
In a farting match, usually two guys will compete to see who can make the loudest guff. The challenge here is getting it so that you have the higher "pitch." You've probably heard the word pitch being used outside of baseball, where pitch means how loud a sound is. What you want in a farting match is a very high pitch, kind of like a trumpet sound. A very low pitch, although usually funnier, doesn't usually get loud enough. To get a high pitch, it's all about force, even if you've only sucked in a little air. You got to push it out fast and furious. It's better if you got a lot of gas or air packed in there because then when you go to push it out fast it really ripples!
If you're competing to have to longer fart, it's all about relaxing. You got to really suck in a lot of air and let it out slowly but still enough to make noise. Some kids have been able to make loud farts that last up to 30 seconds! When you feel yourself getting low, clinch up so that less air gets out, just to keep it going as long as possible. Be careful, because you don't want to put too much force and turn yourself off! A fart is a fart, and not a bunch of farts, so you can't stop and start. The more relaxed you are, the slower it'll come out, and that feels really good.
If you're competing to see who can have the smellier fart, it's a little more luck than it is skill. You can increase your gassy odds by eating things like broccoli, sprouts, cabbage, tofu, and greasy meat. There are a few things you might want to consider before a farting contest that is based on smell.
First, it's hard to tell what "smells" worse, because all farts smell bad, and as the farter, you might not think the smell of your own fart is all that bad. It's always best to get another kid to sniff them and be the judge (get something who is willing, because it won't help if you're holding him down and farting in his face!). Second thing, you have to let the air clear after each fart because the left over smell can linger and make it hard to tell them apart. Third, this kind of compeition is harder because it can only work if you both have to fart at the same time, otherwise, it's too hard to try to work one up on the scratch!
You'll probably draw a small crowd if you do this at recess, as other guys are usually going to want to see it, don't let performance anxiety ruin you, just let it go. Nobody's going to hate you because your fart stunk (no pun intended…yeah, pun intended).
So maybe sometimes you don’t want to go all flash and you want to disguise but also subtly amplify the fart. Many times one particular scenario happens. To be brief, one person perfectly disguises a fart and aims it with such precision, the farter will never get blamed. The fartee will suffer from what we know as W.T.F.I.T.S.S. also know as: What the F*ck is that smell?! Syndrome. This will happen often and will need instant inspection. Usually the guys are the ones who release those methane gas bombs, which contain extreme amounts of the element Fartium, recently explained. For those who only mix in polite company, it may be felt that too much is made of the above problem, but as the common expression for this kind of fart is an SBD ('Silent but Deadly'), it can be readily imagined that the after-shock is of the rawest odor.
This list has been created for any rising detectives on any fart cases.
at who smelled the fart first
In that general direction your culprit will be doing one of the following:
• Talking too much, or too little. • Has an uncomfortable expression on their face or is laughing. • Is staring studiously into the middle distance as if examining an uninteresting potted plant. • Inspect gender (usually men are the ones who fart, but here is a little known fact: Women have another element other than Fartium in their farts, they release an estrogenical gas which diverts men's attention to other men).
Those who dislike those who are unjust will do everything they can to protect the fartee.
Farting on public transportation requires no disguising as the farter is surrounded by many fartees, each who thinks the other fartee is the farter.
Advances in CFI - Crime Fart Investigating, have begun to utilize Fart-DNA testing, but only in cases where the fart results in a farticide. The FBI - Fart Bureau of Investigation, is building a nationwide database of Fart-DNA. There has been talk of requiring Fart-DNA samples at birth, but this is a controversial issue, subject to much debate in Congress. Unofficially, Congress is abiding by a "don't ask - don't tell" policy when it comes to farting, except in cases of farticide or fartophhiles.
“Oh…here it comes…wait for it, wait for it…… pfrrrrrrrrrRAP “...oh yeah.”
Although there is no current category for high capacity farts, there are some well known records which stand as a goal for all.
- The loudest fart ever recorded occurred on May 16, 1972 in Madeline, Texas by Alvin Meshits. The blast maintained a level of 194 decibels for one third of a second. Mr. Meshits now has recurring back pain as a result of this feat.
- The longest fart ever recorded occurred on December 25, 1988 in Walton, PA by Jenny Winlus. The petite blast lasted for a duration of 17 hours, 23 minutes, 9 seconds with a maximum decibel measurement of 133. Her class voted her most likely to shit herself in public.
- A fart will echo within the acoustics of a toilet.
- Holding in a huge fart is a very difficult task. If one manages to hold it long enough, it will finally implode upon itself, and you will have mastered your anus.
- The most foul fart was released on July 1, 1999 in Macon, Georgia, by an a man commonly known as "Bob", while not lasting but a mere 4 seconds, the stench killed livestock both upwind and downwind, and also managed to render three houses and two cars too badly damaged to clean.
- The Champion Fart, a new category that is for 'special' releases which are both loud, long, and lethal have been maintained, but with only 7 entries. The best entry is by a 9 year old boy in Butler, Ok. His blast lasted 2 minutes, 34 seconds, had a decibel measurement of 161, and rendered the school he was enrolled in to be too badly fouled to keep open. Farmlands on the southside of town recorded less than normal yields for 7 years.
- Farts can be very embarrassing to the person who dealt it
- For Scientologists, not only do they fart, but their Body Thetans also fart; in addition, Xenu was a champion Farter on his home planet and L Ron Hubbard was a champion Farter in his home state of Montana.
- Farting is considered a way of signifying one's enjoyment of a meal in many foreign/eastern nations - much like the burp - the fart is more commonly the way of signifying enjoyment though. If one doesn't fart post-meal that person is thought to have not enjoyed their meal. If any one person is unable to produce a fart post-meal that is their bad luck. If they don't fart this indicates the food wasn't of a good enough quality to produce a post-meal fart from them. This is their fault as it is their body that will not fart from the food consumption.
- The most explosive fart ever to be recorded occurred somewhere in a remote location near the Cascade Range in Washington state on June 8, 2005. A recluse by the name of LeRoy ripped the biggest fart of all time that leveled 30 acres of timber forestland, suffocated & killed numerous wildlife nearby with the noxious gases coming from the fart, leveled LeRoy's cabin down to wood chips, & blew out LeRoy's asshole so bad that it required immediate medical attention. The fart was recorded lasting 2:39 & damages was at the millions of dollars estimated. It also registered at 8.5 on the Richter Scale. LeRoy's fart was caused by a mixture of three cans of Chili, four cans of Tamales, a jar of Hot Sauce, a fifth of Bourban, & a package of peppermints. LeRoy defenitely did blew his asshole out that day & his life is now a complete piece of shit for good.
- Farting is now under consideration as a Weapon of Mass Destruction by the United States Department of Biological Weapons.
Female flatulence aka "fluff"
....Every once in a blue moon, fluff happens to a female. This is a top secret, which, like masturbation and mending socks, can actually happen (but nobody talks about it.) It is mentioned here, anonymously, for instructional value. Should you ever accidentally refer to the possibility of female fluff in realtime conversation: (1) deny that you said whatever it was that you said. An example: "oh yeah, we'll your shit does stink, I know from experience" /" what does that mean"/ "um... What does what mean? I didn't say anything." Then, (2), if multiple witnesses insist, or if you were caught on a security video with audio, and must confess your knowledge if the occurrence of fluff, QUICKLY say,"I saw it on the Internet." Act flustered, babble, and say this out of context. The female who is trying to gain power by acting offended will prefer to exercise her power by acting superior. Then she will be able to quickly forget what just happened. Confrontation with s female on this topic MUST be avoided at all costs! There are several reasons. ....Female flatulence has a uniquely toxic character. This is due to the fact that it is not vented on a frequent or regular basis. The odor of fluff is colored by weeks, months, or years of fecal foulage. This includes fiber in the diet and red meat permanently lodged in the large intestines and colon, as attested to by hippie vegetarians. It lacks the sweet overtones of male farts which are due to a sense of humor; salty undertones from pizza rolls and sour cream & cheddar ruffled potato chips; and the character and full- bodied aromas linked to beer and tequila shots. Finally, fluffs happen almost exclusively during the oft- denied period of female menstruation. This circumstance lends a uniquely foul aspect to the so- called fluff. ....The offended female, if feeling foul, could threaten to fluff you to asphyxiation within a confined, secure space. This is deceptively easy for her, as she will use her wiles to flirt and lure you into a private corner, while secretly plotting revenge. Post- fluff, she will convincingly deny the revenge encounter, potentially convincing even her victim that nothing evil occurred. While the risk of incidence is only 1%, the damage caused would be colossal, and must be avoided at all cost. The short - term, acute damage ranges from lethal to debilitating. The long- term, chronic result for survivors is permanent libido elimination and sterilized sperm. ....A third, key reason to avoid reference to female flatulence is also relevant to personal safety. The phenomenon most often occurs during the lunar situation known as menstruation. . Period. . Widely acknowledged as a false cover for bitchy behaviors, this 6 - 40 day, regular event imbues the female with frightening and evil superpowers. If fluff is part of the conversation, all menstruating females within hearing distance will swoop in like the Medusa- harpies they channel at this time. Their immediate need is to extinguish all knowledge of the possible existence of female flatulence (the idea will be erased like the memories of people who see an alien and then look at a pen- shaped flashy thingy held by Will Smith or Tommy Lee Jones.) The menstruating Medusa harpies will achieve their goal in the most violent and inhumane way possible. This satisfies their periodic thirst for blood... It also protects their future selves from weakness. When the Medusa harpy period ends, the women must again be capable of exerting their siren - song. A women with whom the idea of fluff is affiliated will immediately and permanently forfeit all siren song superpowers. No longer able to flirt or infatuate, and also associated with flatulate, her life becomes a twisted wreck. No woman will allow that fate - not for herself, and not for her most current gaggle of friends. Deny fluff at all costs! An education in these facts, if taken seriously, may save you from horrific situations that would occur if you were ignorant.
- HowTo:Make a Four Year Old Laugh
- Fart fetishism
- Fart Physics
- Brown Gas
- This is what happens when you try to fart too hard
- HowTo:Fart without anyone knowing it
- Terrance and Phillip
External Stinks, er, Links
- The FartMart at Farts.com
- Weis Market, the ultimate fartitorium. Don't listen to their slogan, it only means they have to throw out their food every day
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