Fart Physics

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“A man who does not know his fart acts is not a man at all.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Fart Physics

“It's not the fart that kills, it's the smell.”

~ Some stupid swede on Fart Physics

“Wasn't Me.”

~ Me on Fart Physics

“I think I just shat myself...”

~ Failed attempt at farting.


Background[edit]

You've all seen airplane movies. What happens when a window inevitably gets smashed out? That's right, everything gets sucked out the window... whoosh! The same principle applies to farting while in a moving car.

For the purposes of this definition, let's say the passenger farts. The passenger will then do his best Rodney Dangerfield impression and quip: "Somebody step on a duck?" Then, the driver will roll down his window in an attempt to try to remove the smell. The fart from the passenger then gets sucked out the open window, passing directly past by the driver's face.

This action results in the driver inhaling a large amount of fart smell and exclaiming something like, "Jesus, dude! What crawled up your ass and died?"

Theory[edit]

A huge Nazi gasbag (see also: Rush Limbaugh)

To avoid the usual problem as described in the Background, proper Fart Physics etiquitte dictates that the person, in this example the passenger, must roll down his window. The driver must resist the urge to roll down his window. Remember the Background when the contents of the plane get sucked out the window? Well the same thing will happen here.

If the person producing the fart immediately rolls down his window, the unpleasant business of the other occupants of the vehicle having to endure the smell should be greatly decreased.

Advanced Fart Physics (boring)[edit]

Occasionally it may be possible to find an advantage in removing the offending fart by rolling down more than one window.

Example #1[edit]

If the fart is especially disgusting, the window directly behind the person who produced it should also be rolled down. This situation must be monitored carefully, however, depending on several factors, including if the vehicle does in fact have a rear window, if anyone is sitting next to said window, and weather conditions.

Example #2[edit]

If the passenger has farted and it is particularly nasty, the driver may be able to roll down his window at least part way if the vehicle is in a right to left turn, resulting in a cross-breeze blowing the fart away much faster. Care must be taken on the timing of this event, as well as ensuring proper directional orientation while engaged in this maneuver. Improper turning could be disastrous, resulting in the fart being blown back across the driver.

Keep in mind that Example #2 can be applied by turning left to right or right to left, but the success of the maneuver is fully dependent on which side of the vehicle the fart originated on and ensuring that the turn is made in the correct to expedite the removal of the fart.

Of course, all of this for some yet unexplained reason works in quite the opposite fashion in Great Britain, and elsewhere.

Example #3[edit]

If you're in a convertible, forget about Fart Physics... hopefully the airflow pattern is such that the air doesn't recycle back on itself. Research into these matters is known as "Quantum Fart Physics", and is a good choice of study for those who do not want their physics to involve any facts.

Example #4[edit]

When you turn on the gas on a fireplace butt don't light it, whats really happening is that purified fart is expelled into the air.

Example #5: Wet Farts[edit]

These are not farts. These are the shits and you need more pants/ another dress.