Brooke Astor

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
(Redirected from Father Time)
Jump to: navigation, search
Brooke Astor at home, sitting on her favorite anal plug chair.
Kursiver Text

Brooke Astor is one of America's most famous philanthropists, but is more widely known for her love of couches stained with dog urine and for being the oldest known person to receive a sex change.

Brooke Astor has stated she prefers to be called "Father Time." Upon being asked why she chose this name, Astor replied, "I've finally come to grips with who I am, dahling." It has been rumored that she got the idea for the name from the screenname which Oprah Winfrey secretly used on MySpace.

Astor's Early Life[edit]

Brooke Astor was born on a pirate ship in the year 1227819 B.C. (which, coincidentally, was the year that the Universe was created according to Scientologists). Her father was the Earth and her mother was the sea. Since neither parent had any specific gender, Astor was often placed in the awkward situation of having to ask what her vagina was for. Her parents, who didn't know what it was, either, told her it was like a second mouth except it didn't say anything. Many psychologists attribute Astor's sexual, er, "quirks", to this incident.

Astor's Sexuality[edit]

This has been the topic of many debates, scientific theses, and porn websites such as this one. In an interview with fellow pervert Anderson Cooper, Astor stated that her "sexual life was totally fucked up ever since I was born, dahling." However, she did not come out of the closet until 1969, at age 486374932. Before that, people could only speculate about what went on in Brooke's pants. And speculate they did. The first time Astor was suspected of being "totally fucked up" was when she had her birth name, Brook, legally changed to Brooke, claiming that "the 'e' at the end just makes it sound so much more masculine, dahling." Brooke is also well known for being the only object that has fucked every U.S. president, including president-elect Hillary Clinton. The only exception is Gerald Ford, who suffered from erectile dysfunction.

Brooke Astor gives an audience the finger as she confesses that she has had over 400 sex-related operations.

People Brooke Astor Has Killed[edit]