Felix the Cat
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Felix the cat, owner and operator of the world's second largest secret underground water purification centre, the name of which I cannot disclose at present, has long been considered a true American hero.
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[edit] Felix 'N Da Hood
Felix's claim to fame among fellow water purifiers is his secret hand in choosing the famed eleven herbs and spices that make KFC chicken so greasy and disgusting. With Colonel Sanders, unavailable for comment (did you know he's DEAD?) on this water purification industry/secret political scandal, we turned to fellow corpse Harriet Tubman for inside information: "I got hoop dreams, coach! I got 'em bad!" Brandishing a knife and with a feral gleam in her eye, we decided to leave it at that.
But I'm digressing. Felix the Cat, after hitting in big with his infamous recipe and multi-million-dollar company, decided that something was missing in his lonely third cat-life. A man to call his own. After trying LavaLife and a guest appearance on Room Raiders, Felix gave up. But when he least expected it, at a bar in Tokyo, Japan, a smooth-talking political hottie by the name of Dick Cheney caught his eye. The two have been inseparable ever since.
[edit] Now What??
Now I know what you're thinking: he's got millions of dollars, KFC fame, and a trophy wife. What more could the lucky bastard want? The answer, my hairy friend, is simple: an international pop career. Felix up and joined the Spice Girls, under the alias Brautwurst Spice, and swept the nation off its feet. But when the famous girl-band broke up, it left a hole in the Cat's heart. A hole that couldn't be filled with money or Cheney-love, or even Whiskas. You see, he'd gotten a taste of that delicious, addictive pie we call crack-cocaine. And with his supplier, Victoria Beckham, in Europe with her soccer-playing husband, he was left hurting, really hurting.
[edit] Television Series or Peanut Butter Sandwich??
But then it hit him: crack was the drug of choice in Hollywood, so to get a new connection, all he needed was to get back in with the hip Hollywood crowd. The answer came to him in a dream, or rather, while he was out cold in the produce aisle in a local Dominion: Get a T.V. show!! And so he did, as soon as he got out of the hospital. It topped the charts.
[edit] These Days
With the tragic demise of his series, Felix decided that he'd had enough of fame and fortune, and settled down with Dick in a Beverly Hills Mansion and started working on CNN. Today, he's settled into a comfortable retirement and his pancreas cancer should clear up soon.
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