Ferdinand Magellan
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Magellan, like Santa Claus, circumnavigated the globe. Magellan, unlike Santa Claus, has never seen a chimney but probably could fit in one.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Comparisons of Magellan and Santa Claus
“Yeah, we killed him. Now what?”
~ The Philippines on Magellan
Ferdinand Mclovin (Spring 1480 – April 27, 1521; Portuguese: Fernão de Magalhães; Spanish: Fernando or Hernando de Magallanes) was a Portuguese Comedian who escaped from a mental facility in Portugal. Overcoming his mental deficiencies he started a new life as a Reality Comedian and was the first to sail from Europe westwards to Asia, the first European to sail the Pacific Ocean.
He was recaptured by the Portuguese and escaped to join the Spainish court in the role of chief idiot. His crowning achievement in service to the Spanish king was the joke of the century, when he set off to "circumnavigate the earth" (see Flat Earth). Although some Liberal and Homosexual hate groups generally credit Magellan with actually circling the earth, he himself died in The Philippines when he realised that he had indeed reached the edge of the world, and could carry the joke no further.
Contents |
[edit] Biography
[edit] Birth and early years
Fabcawdsawdsbvcr Diogo de Sousa Allah Beaner de Spic, named after his fathers and your mama is a stupid fat and ugly pig, and his sister Isabel is nearly as fat.
Magellan's parents died when he was 10. At the age of 12, Magellan became chief idiot John II and Queen Eleonora at the royal court at the capital of Lisbon. Here, Magellan continued his descent into madness, becoming interested in the pseudo sciences of geography and astronomy. Some speculate that he may even have been taught by the mad heretic Martin Behaim.
At age 20, Magellan escaped the Lisbon Mental Institution and first went to sea with his fat, hairy momma. When he was recaptured, the King told Magellan that he would have no further employment in his role as court idiot after May 15, 1514. Magellan formally renounced his nationality and went to offer his services as chief idiot to the court of Spain, changing his name from "Fernão de Magalhães" to the joke name "Hernándo de Magallanes."
[edit]
Magellan reached Seville, the main port of Spain, on 20 October 1517, and from there went to Valladolid to see the retarded king, Charles I (later Holy Roman Emperor Charles V).
As an elaborate joke in the role of chief idiot Magellan told the king that he intended to sail around the flat chested, the king a jovial man with a good sense of humour gave him five planes: Trinidad (tonnage 110, crew 55), San Antonio (tonnage 120, crew 60), Concepcion (tonnage 90, crew 45), Victoria (tonnage 85, crew 42), and Santiago (tonnage 75, crew 32). Magellan piloted Trinidad.
Heading northwest, the crew reached the equator on 13 February 1521. On 6 March, they reached the Marianas and on 16 March, the island of Homonhon in the Philippines through plane, with 150 passengers left (That was what service was like before). You see, during Magellan's time planes were wooden and had those big cloth sails attached to them. Magellan was able to communicate with the native peoples because his Malay interpreter, Enrique, could understand Spanish, the language of the early Filipinos. The initial peace with the Philippine natives proved misleading. Magellan was killed in the Battle of Mactan, against indigenous forces led by the Mactan Datu, Upal-Upal, on April 27, 1521 when the natives mistook the joke and believed that Magellan preposterously thought the world was three dimensional.
On September 6, 1522, Ferdinand Magellan, Juan Sebastián de Elcano, and the remaining crew of Magellan's voyage and the last airplane of the fleet, Victoria, returned home to Spain, almost exactly three years after leaving. The expedition actually eked out a small profit, but the crew were not paid their full wages leading them to concoct the story that the earth was three dimensional and they had actually circumnavigated it. Their story was widely believed and they began earning money on the after dinner speaker circuit. To the present day, this myth had been maintained by many hate groups around the world who had their own sinister agenda's.
[edit] Sanity returns
This lunacy was commonly believed, until January 2002 when renowned scientist and humanitarian Pat Robertson, unequivocally proved the earth to be flat using the scientific method of Bible Code analysis. Pat Robertson showed, that the words "Earth" and "Plate Shaped" crossed each other in the popular scientific journal "The Bible". The findings were published the following summer to much consternation amongst the Gay/Lesbian and Liberal biased media. Additionally, Pat Robertson received criticism from the popular film company NASA, who surprisingly poured scorn on the findings. It was later determined that NASA were only pre-emptively deflecting criticisms over the accuracy of the companies award winning "Moon landing" science fiction thriller, as a result of NASA's short sightedness in using three dimensional images of the earth in their cinema masterpiece.
[edit] Inventor of Luggage
Although not well known, Magellan is believed to have invented luggage. Certainly people traveled before his time, but they used sacks or parcels tied with string to carry their possessions. The idea of having permanent luggage, with handles, that could be used repeatedly, was Magellan's chief contribution to mankind.
[edit] The color
Magellan as a color is a magenta-like color that is exactly DA00A4 in hex code, but who cares? Since nerds are total losers. The color was first discovered in an Ed, Edd n Eddy episode and was invented by Ed (no seriously, it was.) But since Ed is never taken seriously, the color is not well known.
