Fernando Alonso
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Fernando Alfonso Alsoslow Gypsie Daz (born on July 29, 1981 in Shitville, Spain) also known as "the Crybaby" or "Mr. Nasty", is a Formula One wannabe racing driver, currently living in the home land England. On September 25 2005 he won the World Driver's Championship title by default at the age of 24 years and 59 days, thus breaking Emerson Fittipaldi's record of being the youngest fuckwit in Formula One history, and ending Michael Schumi's run of twenty five hundred consecutive championships, narrowley beating the ALMIGHTY GOD and ice cool driver Kimi Raikkonen. In 2006 he won the Championship yet again. He had a Ferrari engine to thank for his second title as the Ferrari of the great Michael Schumacher blew up at the Japanese Grand Prix when Schumi himself was leading the championship and Fernando was ten laps behind the german with 0,0000000001% chances to win the title. Two world championships meaning to default world championships for the Spaniard. Anyway does anyone really believe there are any good F1 drivers from Spain? (Note: Carlos Sainz is a Rally, not F1 driver) As David Coulthard once famously said about the Spaniards "Why dont you fuck off back to shitty Moto GP?!".
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[edit] Early years
Born Fernando Alfonso Gypsie Daz (his full name includes his mother's maiden name according to lame Spanish custom) on July 29, 1981, in Shitville in the olive growing province of northern Spain. His father was employed as an explosives and large illegal weapons expert in the assassinations industry, specializing in political. The Alonsos and their two children (Three, if including Fernando's evil twin brother, whom he killed by accident at the age of 6 while playing Hide-and-seek-then-destroy-and-hide), older sister Lorena and Fernando lived comfortably because of drug peddling and child labor. Fernandos father Jos Luis, a shitty amateur kart racer, wished to pass on his passion of karting to his children. He built a shitty pedal kart mimicking an F1 car. Originally the kart was meant for eight-year-old sister Lorena, but she showed no interest as she (being a Spanish girl) only had aspirations of being a famous latina porn star. But her tiny three-year-old brother was eager to dis-obey yellow flags and crash into already crashed cars, a dream Mark Webber helped him with at Brazil in 2003. From the moment Fernando climbed into the tiny cock-pit he immediately felt more at home than in his normal surroundings of the Spanish crack labs and his determined and competitive spirit was already apparent at that young age, as shown by him being able to escape police dogs trying to rip the heroin bags off his body at airports.
Viva Morci
[edit] Dickless?
From then on the young fuck and his devoted father, who also doubled as his mechanic, competed in olive eating competitions around Spain. They barely had any opposition. While his entire family fully supported Fernandos increasingly successful hobby, his progress would require more funding than his familys limited resources could provide as Fernando would only eat premium olives stuffed with feta cheese. It was difficult to acquire sponsorships as he also enjoyed holding a throbbing cock whilst eating and homosexual teens are not popular. Fernando knew the only way to get the financial backings was to start winning competitions. Alonso started winning in almost every competition he entered as his natural ability to eat olives was coming through as the tremendous amount of deep-throat allowed him to fit more olives in than his competitors. Age was never a hindrance as he won three Spanish olive eating Titles (1994, 1996 and 1997); he ate in the European olive eating championships, placing second to none other but the Spanish king, the biggest olive lover in the whole of Spain, but by his mid teens he was the World Junior olive eating champion in 1996.
In 1999, Alonso made the jump to open-wheel cars from his hobby of karting, racing the Spanish Euro Open MoviStar by Nissan (his first and last season in the series) with the help of former Minardi F1 driver Adrian Campos. Then only 18 years old, he became the series champion, immediately earning him a ticket to Formula 3000 in 2000. A win at the legendary Spa-Francorchamps highlighted a very solid fourth place in the drivers championship, and Alonso was off for Formula One in 2001. In later years he was arrested for child pornography and was executed in his jail cell by a transvestite named George.
[edit] Formula One years
Fernando Alonso has often been compared to Felipe Massa, a driver with similar skill. The young Spaniard does share some of Massas most impressive attributes - no-one else can crash a car better and faster. Alonso is one of the few drivers capable of casting gypsie curses as well Nicknamed 'Magic Alonso' for that reason, Fernando has a good sense of humor and is known to supply olives to the corporate events with a smile on his face, salivating and holding a trident.
[edit] 2001
Alonso was the third-youngest driver in F1 history to start a race when he was forced by the Spanish Parliament to make his debut with Minardi at the 2001 Australian Grand Prix Fernando got the drive with Minardi because his drug company coughed up the money to buy him a seat. Whilst the car was as shit as Alonsos inferior quality crack cocaine (around 40% baking soda), Alonso did a sturdy job, occasionally out-qualifying better-equipped opponents inclusive of Alex Yoong Tau Fu ,his Bolehan (Malaysian) partner for the final races of 2001, although he did poor water and sand in the fuel tanks of the cars previous to qualifying, rendering them as useless as the 2005 Ferrari . His gypsie curses still failed to score him a single point in his rookie season. By the end of the season it was annouced that Flavio Briatore from Renault has signed a contract with Alonso after their much publicised holiday in Flavio's yacht, yeat again questioning Alonso's "Dickless?" possibility.
[edit] 2002-2003
His driving talents (Or lack of them, anyways) earned him a spot with the newly-founded Renault team in 2002 after trading the rights to Benneton for a platter of garlic frogs. He was only able to get a job as a test driver though as he was a fucking girlish bitch who sucked more cock than Pamela Anderson during one of her frequent escapades. He managed to get a job as a regular driver by giving blowjobs to his managed and Renault team boss Briatorre in 2003. With a much better car than in his first F1 stint and in only his second race for Renault, Alonso became the youngest driver ever to win a Formula One pole position at the 2003 Malaysian Grand Prix; he also became the youngest driver ever to win a Formula One race at the [[2003 Hungarian Grand Prix] by casting curses on drivers with some actual skill and creditability
Recently The FIA have become suspicious over Fernando's success, and have come up with the conclusion that the fact that he has no neck is giving him an aerodynamic advantage, consequently he has been banned from further races until he extends the length of his neck.
[edit] 2007
In 2007 Fernando left Renault for the highly shitful McMoney team. In the first three races of the season he has been beaten by Britain's prodical son/God Lewis Hamilton, once again proving he is more cocky then we thought. By the mid season Fernando attracted the press' attention by showing suspicious hand movements to his so-called team mate Lewis Hamilton during the closing stages of US GP. It caused enthusiasts from Spain to start a new weekly TV series called Alonso Vs Hamilton. In the European GP Alonso bumped into the leading Ferrari of Felipe Massa to take the lead with just a few laps left to go. During the pre-podium ceremonies, the couple have exchanged some harsh words in their native languages. Rumours say that either Fernando reminded Felippe to let him through (because he gave him a blow-job in dying minutes before the start), or simply because Massa went wide to pretend he made a mistake and invited Fernando to slap him in the arse (so confirming his S&M likings).
[edit] Feuds
Masquerading under the name "Sweet FA" (an allusion to his net talent as a driver), the Spaniard has undergone many feuds in his career. The most recent of these are the ongoing clashes with lil' Lewie H, who was reported to be furious with Sweet FA's disrespectin'. Lewie H issued the statement "Who stopped me? But your punks didn’t finish ahead of me, Now you ‘bout to feel the wrath of a menace…nigga, I hit ‘em pole positions up'" shortly before his victory in the contest that followed.
Another notable feud in the arrogant Spanish tool's insignificant career is his ongoing inability to force McLaren boss Ron Dennis to put sugar in Lewis Hamilton's fuel tank, give Hamilton the engine from some shitty Asian car, or fit Alonso's car with heat seeking missiles for him to fire at Hamilton the next time he inevitable ends up behind the young British driver. Dennis has been quoted as replying "fuck off back to Renault, we all know the French love arrogant stuck up underperformers. Even though Lewis is black, at least he's British, like the McLaren half of our team"
[edit] Hero to Bastardo
In September 2007 a series of homoerotic emails sent between Fred 'Fernando' Alonso and Ped'oh de la Tossa emerged from the McLaren team computers. Amidst these emails it was revealed that not only did Fred have a penchant for men in overalls, but that he was also the biggest cheating bastardo to emerge in Formula 1 in all of time. Even worse than a certain German shoemaker. McLaren was subsequently fined 1000 million pesetas and lost all of their championship Pogs for that year. It is widely believed that Fred will be pistol-whipped and fired from McLaren in October, when Lewis 'fuck me he's fast' Hamilton finally kicks his ass to the curb, laughing all the way.
[edit] Alonso's Future
Many believe that Fernando's carreer is nearing an end and the McLamer team will announce his replacement for the next twenty eight seasons. Alonso has already bought a 750,000.00 squared feet ground in his home country Holland with an intention to grow weed after his retirement.
It has also been rumoured that after the legion of 99.9% of motorsport fans who hate arrogant Spaniards also unleashes their wrath on MotoGP rider Danny Pedrosa, the pair will run to Canada where gay marriage is legal, and they can continue smoking copious amounts of weed.
It now turns out Alonso hasn't talked to Ron Dennis since Hungary 07. But what wasn't mentioned was that Alonso has never talked to Ron Dennis...ever. Alonso signed for Mclaren by mistaking signing a contract he thought was an autograph for a rather pervy looking old man, that had just been hanging around the paddock for 40 years activly pursuing muscley young men.
