Feroze & Suleiman
“The Aerospace Industry in APAC is likely to double Romania's GDP in the next decade.”
“We have 31..no 32..no no 33..err approximately 35 offices in total and our office count is growing is at the rate of 9.8% per year.”
“When we need info, we dont use journals, we get it straight from the horses' mouths. There are a few horses near Jason's Garage from his earlier stint in the Texas branch of Hertz.”
Headquartered in a garage next to Jason's sprawling villa in Mountain View, Chicago, Feroze & Suleiman operates in over 250 countries and three planets (Mars, Jupiter and Venus). Most country operations are headed by Indians who got transferred from their secret Karachi office. The Mars, Jupiter and Venus operations are led by distinguished individuals who were laid off from the San Antonio office. All major Business Unit Leaders and a number of Country heads also work out of Jason's garage in California.
- 1 History
- 2 Overview of Corporate Activities
- 3 Mission Statement
- 4 Region-wise Operations
- 5 Feroze & Suleiman's 'Rigorous' Award Recipient Selection Methodology
- 6 Feroze & Suleiman 'Awards'
- 7 Current Business Model
- 8 Feroze & Suleiman and 9.8
- 9 Jason's childhood and the road to CEO's -270 degree perspective
- 10 Announcement of New employee at Feroze and Suleiman, Alaska
- 11 Feroze and Suleiman - Employee Compensation & Benefits
- 12 Feroze & Suleiman and the Energy Efficiency Program
- 13 Feroze & Suleiman and Productivity Murder Center
- 14 Feroze & Suleiman in the Media
- 15 Feroze Trail: A Curtain raiser to Flagship event
- 16 Flagship Event
- 17 The launch of Feroze & Suleiman Business School
- 18 Feroze & Suleiman's Senior 'Management' Profiles
Early History (1820-1970)
When Robert Feroze was writing his poem tiled "Woods on a Snowy Evening", what he meant by the last lines was that he wanted to start a growth consulting company where analysts wrote poems in their free time. But before he could move ahead,someone threw a large water melon at him and he suffered brain hemorrhage. He was in coma until 1960, when Jason Newsstand who was a little boy ran into him and delivered the final blow that killed him. Jason read his poems which were to later inspire legendary corporate lexicon such as Growth Consulting, Growth Thought and PMC. Years later, when Jason was pedaling soaps for a living during college, he met Roman Bernard, who was in refrigerator college. Roman told Jason "Instead of pedaling soaps why dont we tell our customers how to grow them". Jason thought it was a brilliant idea and they should open a company that does that. Roman had some loose change, that formed the initial seed fund for Feroze & Suleiman. Roman decided he would only provide loose change to run the company's operations from here on in return for 40 + 1% stake. It was also rumored that Ed Suleiman had something to do with the company, but in 1984 Ed dedicated an entire show to denouncing Feroze & Suleiman and hence the rumor died down. It is believed that Jason once had a dream that Ed Suleiman stuffed a tootsie roll down his throat and hence he decided to add the Suleiman name to it.
Modern Day History (1970-2000)
Jason had saved up enough money from his soap pedaling and soap growing work and decided he needed to take a break. He traveled to Bombay, India where he met Anand Bakshi who was an aspiring film star at that time. Jason whacked off the wig on Anand's head and said "Mate! you need to 'grow' hair not just put it there". During this time they also bumped into Oscar Wilde who was getting his inspiration for his short story "Selfish Giant" and he decided to write a character after Anand in the book. Jason asked Anand to join him in his growing activities in the US of A. Anand decided that he was no match for Amitabh Bachchan and decided to plunge himself wholeheartedly in Jason's 'growing' business. Anand would then go on to recruit an entire army of Indians in key positions in the company that would later prompt Barack Obama's famous "Buffalo" speech. Jason is now considering renaming Feroze & Suleiman to Feroze, Suleiman and Bakshi as the entire management sans a couple of board members are Anand's cronies or relatives.
Overview of Corporate Activities
Feroze & Suleiman is a pioneer of the new paradigm of consulting called Growth Consulting (a result of Jason's Soap business) and also the present day paradigm of Blue Ocean Strategy. Jason was once swimming in the Pacific Ocean near the Alcatraz prison and the waters there were quite muddy leading him to wonder why they weren't all that blue. He called Anand, who said that companies would like to outsource operations to locations around the Blue Lagoon in New Zealand. Thus came about the legendary Blue Ocean Strategy Consulting. Feroze & Suleiman is a market and IP leader in the field of Blue Ocean Consulting. They have developed several inspirational analytical frameworks on this concept and will likely beat McKinsey and BCG at their own game huh?. Feroze & Suleiman has no competition even otherwise. The projects they bid for are of such value that other firms dont dare touch them. BCG and McKinsey are afraid they might run out of business one day. They have begun efforts in earnest to poach senior executives such as Anand. It is rumored that Anand demanded that McKinsey & Company rename itself to McKinsey, Bakshi & Company if he were to join.
|To confuse our clients into believing that growth can only be achieved while swimming in the Bluest of the Waters and partnering with us to obfuscate, confuse and just do the same stuff over and over and over again.|
Feroze & Suleiman in the Americas
In America, Feroze & Suleiman mostly built up it's reputation on Jason's soap business and later Michael Jackson's videos that featured a number of senior executives dancing wearing blue collar outfits. It is also speculated that this gave rise to the Blue Ocean kind of thinking. In the Americas, ever since the Boston Tea Party where Jason along with a certain boy from Chennai are rumored to have served tea to the Britishers, Feroze & Suleiman has been hired by a number of companies to help them 'grow'. No one knows what kind of growth this is? Barack Obama also invited Jason to the White House recently to draft his speech on outsourcing. Though Feroze & Suleiman has an office in Bangalore, he told Barack that he'd anyday outsource his Bangalore operations to Buffalo.
Feroze & Suleiman in Europe
In Europe, Feroze & Suleiman is confused on how to project itself. Here Feroze & Suleiman tried indulging in some consulting activities but failed as people didnt know whether they were an event management company, sewing machine manufacturer, law firm, real estate developer?.
Feroze & Suleiman in Asia Pacific
Though this region consists of only South East Asian countries, Japan, Korea and Australia, Operations Chief, Quick Gun Murugan prefers to call it 'Asia Pacific'. In Asia-Pacific, Feroze & Suleiman does just about anything, including providing rubber stamps, Event Management, Real Estate Work, Soap Pedaling, College Intern Outsourcing, etc etc. Last heard, they were planning to open operations in Af-Pak headquartered in Peshawar to capitalize on the lucrative terrorism market there.
Feroze & Suleiman's 'Rigorous' Award Recipient Selection Methodology
Most company directories list Feroze & Suleiman as an event management company. While Jason is unhappy with such categorization, he admitted that he loves the liquor and four course dinners served during the events. The main objective of the events, however, is to award some dubious companies who salivate at the prospect of getting awards.
“Selecting an award recipient can be a very challenging task. The demanding process brings out the latent dark side of a person – one learns to seduce, lie and cheat during the process,” said a senior analyst, rolling his eyes. “You seduce the lady secretary to get the contact details of her managers in the short-listed company by making suggestive moaning sounds over the phone while talking to her. As a next step, you lie to some senior person of the company about how rigorous your evaluation process is and how the award can do wonders to the person’s professional and personal lives”, he added. “And finally the best part…you sing paens for the company at the award event as their representatives watch the proceedings in utter disbelief and pinch each other to check if they are dreaming ..overall a hugely challenging and satisfying experience”, he concluded.
The process of short-listing companies can never be more scientific. Feroze and Suleiman analysts spend half-an-hour of their invaluable time to choose 3 random companies online from the list of pages that satisfy the exact search string “We please please need an award ..pleasssssse ” . The next obvious step is to call up these 3 companies and gauge their level of desperation to get the award. “Again we follow a rational Feroze & Suleiman approved technique here”, explains a senior consultant. “ Award goes to the company which says “wow” in most emphatic way when the person hears about the award. An “Wowwwww” would obviously be preferred over a crisp “wow”. If the wows are indistinguishable we use the concept of probability to toss a coin and determine the winner.”
Feroze & Suleiman 'Awards'
Feroze & Suleiman hosts award ceremonies for undeserving companies every full moon night at shabbily maintained hotels in prominent cities. Some award recipents, who are starved of success for past few centuries, decide to pay royalty to Feroze & Suleiman to be able to use this award for their branding purpose. "This licensing of awards generates 64.7% of our total revenue and is growing at the rate of 9.8% (hey sounds familiar!) per year", said a visibly satisfied Quick Gun Murugan.
Yesterday, the award banquet at Machu Pichu was an astounding success. The award recipients were happy. "We got an award for telecommunication industry leadership in Easter Island, while we are a female contraceptive marketing company in Burundi. But who cares.. this is an award my mistress will be proud of ..yeah!!", said an overjoyed winner. While another award recipient, though happy after receiving the award for growth in illegal porn software industry, shared his reservations about Feroze & Suleiman's analysis. "Our business contracted by 55% while Feroze & Suleiman anlayst said it has grown by 98.2%", he looked puzzzled.
The event went smooth expect for an incident where a bespectacled Feroze & Suleiman director, while presenting award to a lady, whispered in her ear "Would you be my partner in a threesome I am planning tonight?" The lady was upset and immediately left the banquet. We don't know what happened after that but eyewitnesses say the director was grinning sheepishly and scratching his head while he was being scolded by a 36.8% bald person.
Overall, the event was a huge success. "Never in my life I gave anyone a chance to award me", another winner said. "This calls for a body massage..I am off" and he disappeared.
Current Business Model
"Calling our business model just unique would be an understatement," Quick Gun said in an interview, "No other company in the Milky Way can understand and practice our revenue model". The reason the business model is so unique and central to the Feroze & Suleiman ethos is that bill rates vary anywhere between -100 US $ per hour to +3000 US $ per hour depending on the client, the Feroze & Suleiman sales guy and the US FCC. The US FCC is a new regulatory authority meant to check irregularities in the consulting world. McKinsey has been booked 20 times and BCG 40 times already this year. As far as Feroze & Suleiman, their records were unauditable hence no violations could be traced. Feroze & Suleiman is probably the only company in the world that positions and sells it's knowledge services like Coca Cola sells Coke Cans. Feroze & Suleiman's main operational expense comes from the number of ribbons that are cut every year in opening new offices around the world
Feroze & Suleiman and 9.8
Jason was obsessed with ‘growth’ right from the time he was born. His parents reportedly had to fight with the hospital staff for the Viagra tablet (which had not been discovered then) as that was what baby Jason demanded right after he was born. On a holiday to England in the year 1700, Jason met Emily Bronte who was having her girls’ night out with George Elliot, Oscar Wilde, Jane Austen and Issac Newton. Jason and Emily hit it off so well, that it is rumored that Heathcliffe was entirely based on Emily’s interactions with Jason. When Jason discovered that Emily Bronte did not want to swim in the English Channel with him, he decided to dump her for Issac Newton. Newton back then was a very ordinary boy, he had dropped out of college to sleep in his apple orchard full time.
He asked Jason to accompany him to the apple orchard the next day. While, Newton was showing Jason around, he passed out (his eyes automatically shut at 10 AM GMT, 9 AM BST and Daylight Saving Time). Jason put him to sleep under a tree and began to explore the orchard on his own. Jason discovered that the orchard had approximately 9 trees and another one that grew both apples and oranges. There were more apples than oranges on that tree. Jason ‘s love of apple trees prompted him to climb up this one and pluck out all the oranges.
Jason counted that he climbed nine steps on his way to the top. As Jason was perched on a branch cutting off the oranges one by one, suddenly the branch gave way thanks to Jason’s overbearing weight and he came crashing down. During the same time an apple also fell on Issac Newton (who was sleeping under the same tree) and that woke him up. Jason was lying down nearby, writhing in pain and Newton was still wondering how the apple fell on him. Thus was discovered gravity. When Jason’s pain subsided, Jason explained to Newton that there were 9 Apples and 8 Oranges on that tree ,also there were 9.8 apple trees around them and nature did not want him to disturb that arrangement and hence he fell off the branch. Newton then hypothesized that the apple came down at a force of 9.8 oranges per second. Jason thought that this was a brilliant hypothesis and he made a further corollary “Any market, industry, company, fruit, vegetable, population, gun will grow and contract at 9.8 % every year”. This led to the famous Feroze & Suleiman growth rate of 9.8%. At this very moment, Oscar Wilde had to make a quotable quote “Guys, this fucking growth rate, what about that?”.
Jason's childhood and the road to CEO's -270 degree perspective
Jason Newsstand did not have a happy childhood. It is a well known fact that he never passed any of the Physics exams he took in his school and college. Peeved with Jason’s consistent poor academic performance, his dad lost his patience one day and threw all of Jason’s Playboy collection at his face. Jason’s girlfriend, who was also present at the time of the incident, said “I don’t love you anymore", barged out of the house and married a random guy next day. Jason's life was shattered.
Unable to stand his dad's lecturing and caning, Jason ran away from home one day and took shelter in a brothel. He learnt some tricks to satisfy clients there which he often used in Feroze & Suleiman later. But he was not allowed to forget his past; a NY times reporter recently asked him for his opinion on a comment made by Jason's Physics teacher during school reunion. "Dude, Jason's brain lacked some critical ingredients that every human brain has", the noble-laureate teacher reminisced, "and he performed worse than my pet dog in Physics exams".
Jason thought enough is enough and decided to hit back at his critics. He called an emergency meeting at his garage and said "Guys we need to have a service offering with elements of Physics in it..you know..electromagnetism and all ..you know. Now question is whom should we approach? Oscar Wilde? Maybe Isaac Newton?" Anand, a phelgmatic person otherwise, sprang to his feet, cleared his throat and said "I have a brilliant cousin who has volunteered to teach Physics to mentally challenged baboons in North Africa. I am calling him now..". The meeting ended on a high note.
Weeks later Anand's cousin submitted his research report. It was prepared by his best student, an unusually bright baboon, who recently learnt to read, checked feroze.com and came up with a series of diagrams that married Feroze and Suleiman's service offerings and quantum mechanics. When the diagram was unveiled in a highly publicized press gathering, a Dow Financials reporter noted the reactions the came from the crowd.
“Wow!!Look at that fuck!!!”
“The best piece of shit I have ever seen!!”
“Holy Cow..Holy Cow.. (repeated nine times)”
“Critics, wherever you are..Fuck Ya!Fuck Ya!”
The diagrams, collectively called as CEO's -270 degree perspective, look like electrons revolving in 7 orbits around a nucleus (a CEO scratching his bald head).The 7 different orbits represent 7 essential perspectives a CEO should have – global, local, glocal, globally local, locally global, globalized local, and localized global. However, Feroze & Suleiman is considering to reduce the number of orbits to 5, as that is the maximum number Anand can count. The reaction in the business community has been very positive. “ Best piece of business cartoon I have ever seen,” said a CEO of a high profile company.
Announcement of New employee at Feroze and Suleiman, Alaska
The news of Sarah Palin joining as Vice President of Feroze and Suleiman’s Alaska office was received with mixed reactions by the business community. Sarah Palin’s supporters have hailed this event as a great triumph for their cerebral leader. Jason Newsstand, Chairman of Feroze & Suleiman, called a press conference at Juneau, the capital city of Alaska. “She brings with her the right amount of intellect and sense of humor that our Alaska office needs”, Jason told the press reporters.” She will be in charge of Alaska office and help our company grow in Arctic Circle.”
“You know what …Feroze and Suleiman is just the right kind of place for me”, Sarah said amidst flashbulbs and media frenzy. “I belong to a community of fishermen and Jason told me that all reports prepared by the company smell like dead fish and have fishy market forecast figures. I see a strong fit here”. When asked what her immediate plans were, she replied confidently, “Since, the human population is low in this part of the world, my first goal would be to reach out to Alaskan sled dogs and sell our growth acceleration framework to them. And let me also add that dog is my favorite animal.”
Sarah has already suggested sweeping changes for the company. She wants a new logo and feels that a fish skeleton or a capsized boat would be a more befitting representation of the company. "Being close to the fishermen community, these two images have left a lasting impact on her", remarked a Bloomberg analyst. "We feel capsized boat is more apt, since it symbolizes company's inevitable future". Her joining has created ripples all over the world and specially among company employees. A bespectacled director of a SE Asia ofice wants an immediate transfer to the Alaska office. The real reason for transfer is not known; however, employees who know him well say he actually wants to work "under" her.
Feroze and Suleiman - Employee Compensation & Benefits
“With this paycheck fucking in the 18th century is no problem. Richard (Nixon), however tips me this much after we make out. It's part of the benefits plan!!”
“Reminds me of the pocket money my dad used to give me to buy apples!! ”
“My girlfriend dumped me when she saw my payslip and eloped with my driver ...”
Feroze & Suleiman's compensation package was designed in late 18th century at the time of Industrial Revolution in England. The pay package was actually quite competitive by industry standards then. The human resources department of the company, however, forgot to revise the pay scale in 19th and 20th centuries and is showing no inclination to do so in 21st century. “Does gravity ever change? And earth’s spinning motion?”, Jason’s logic was compelling. “Our compensation package has stood the test of time and will continue to do so”.
When the HR director of Feroze & Suleiman was contacted, she was candid enough to admit that Feroze & Suleiman is not the best paymaster. However, she added that employees here enjoy perks and benefits that are not matched by any other company. “We give all our employees an eraser, a ball point pen, and hold your breath…a punching machine the very first day he or she joins office”, she said with a beaming smile. “We also provide potable water to employees for free. Restroom usage is also free of cost though we strongly encourage our employees to wear diapers. We celebrate the birthdays of all employees without fail and order a single piece of cake which is savored by 120+ employees of all ages”.
Feroze & Suleiman has recently awarded itself the "Green Company of the year" at a glittering awards ceremony organized at Anand Bakshi's penthouse on top of an Irani Restrant in Byculla, Bombay."We are building a green society through our HR policies," said Anand after receiving the award. “By paying our employees one tenth of industry standards, we ensure they can never afford a car unless they beg, borrow or steal. This has helped to reduce the carbon footprint and greenhouse gas emissions by 9.8%." However, Jason, Anand, Quick Gun and few other partners of the company draw 200,000 times more salary than senior consultants for purely professional reasons. “I need to spend money on my horses as they are more often the sources for our primary interviews.Quick Gun is involved in a capital-intensive project of building the world’s largest fairness cream factory in his village. Anand needs money to build a “wig” museum which he plans to dedicate to all bald men and women in the world,” Jason summed it up well.
Feroze & Suleiman and the Energy Efficiency Program
"You know guys, everyone is talking about climate change, going green and all that, what do you think it could mean to the Feroze & Suleiman brand" quipped Jason during a Board meeting at Saamy's Cafe in Chennai. "It probably means we have to reduce the 'climate' in our offices by a few degrees and possibly paint our offices green" retorted Anand. "I wearing Green Cowboy dress, Mind It...I part of 'Green Revolution' already. I, Kollywood Chapter Chief I say..". shouted the one and only Quick Gun Murugan. "I am going to introduce Green Productivity in the PMC" said Harry Omlette excitedly while chomping on a Hamburger and spilling the sauce on the CFO--Reeve Leftover. After no one else had anything more 'worthwhile' to contribute, the meeting concluded with the announcement of the Feroze & Suleiman Energy Efficiency Program.
The board decided to first implement this program in the Chennai office of Feroze & Suleiman. The Chennai office of Feroze & Suleiman is located in a dilapidated building that's more than a few centuries old. According to many Archaelogists, the building that lodges the office is an architectural disaster and it looks like it is going to collapse any moment. Everyone are still stumped as to who constructed it in the first place. It is believed that Quick Gun's ancestors built this structure using the left over construction material from Karunanidhi's home in Gopalapuram, Chennai. The Feroze & Suleiman board unanimousy agreed that the Chennai office was an apt testing site for the 'energy efficiency program'.
As part of the workplan, Ganesh Gaitonde and his stooges (two boys who were exclusively hired to serve tea and chauffeur foreign 'dignitaries') went about removing the light bulbs in all the hallways and the working bays. When asked by puzzled analysts as to how this improves energy efficiency, Gaitonde barked "Who are you bloody to ask such questions. Anyway, we want to remove these bulbs because no one will then switch them on thus we save energy". When reminded that the work environment would be pitch dark, Gaitonde was even more annoyed and said "Bloody scoundrels, dont we pay you your salaries. Why do you need lights while working". Gaitonde also ordered his stooges to switch off all computers after 4 PM in the evenings and the airconditioners exactly at 12 PM in the afternoon.
Another part of the plan involved widening of the cracks in the ceiling and stimulating algae growth by throwing salt water. Once this was accomplished the algae began to grow on the ceiling and spread to the walls in no time. "You know, the algae growth gives the office a 'green look' and we can also use the algae for third generation biofuels. We already have signed a supply contract with Bakshi Biofuels with regard to this. We have achieved climate change as well as 'green peas' in our office by spending no money at all" remarked a visibly excited Dhoklabhai.
Feroze & Suleiman and Productivity Murder Center
Harry Omlette, the inventor of PMC, always nourished the dream of becoming a top notch growth consultant. He applied to Feroze and Suleiman with dream in his eyes and a burning ambition to make it big as a consultant. But the interview was a fiasco. The interviewer did not take long to discover that all Harry wanted was hamburgers and could not count beyond ten. Harry also had trouble in spelling his name and told consulting was all about constantly insulting clients. After hearing few more disturbing responses, the interviewer informed Harry that he would not be considered for further rounds of interview. Hearing this, tears welled up in Harry's eyes and he broke down, crying “I want to be a 'growth' consultant ..Mommy..Boo hoo hoo”. Jason, ecstatic after signing a 1000 USD growth consulting contract with a local conman, walked into the room at that very moment. He was upset to see tears at the moment of celebration and said “Hey lets hire him. We will make him do something..”
It was soon found out that Harry could not do much except for making omlettes during Friday breakfast sessions. One day he put too much salt, and an ill-tempered hypertensive consultant threw the saucepan at him. The saucepan hit Harry's hypothalamus and damaged it permanently, making him an ever-angry and aggressive person with no trace of human intelligence. The deep hatred Harry developed towards the consultants could only be compared to Hitler's utter abomination of the Jews. He promptly formed a team whose mission, vision and goals were to make consultants' lives miserable. Many of the team members were Feroze employees who wanted to leave the organization but were waiting to save enough money to buy flight tickets to their home countries. Harry made his neighbor, the person believed to have carried out the Texas chainsaw massacre, as the project manager. Harry and his girlfriend were in the steering committee, whose main task was to make omlettes for other team members.
Productivity Murder Center, the application that was henceforth to be used by the consultants to clock their project hours, was thus born. Now a simple task like filling timesheet takes the entire Friday. Creating projects and other related formalities may take anything between few months to one's entire tenure in Feroze & Suleiman. " I have been trying to create a PMC project for quite some time," reminisced a consultant. " I started few years back.. since then lots have happened in my personal life..got married, started an extramarital fling, got divorced..but the project is yet to get approved". When asked about the reason for the delay, he said, "Actually there is a team who derives orgasmic pleasure by constantly pointing out mistakes after you submit the project for approval. They perpetually make and change rules on the fly to satiate their lewd desires; allocating 9.8% of the total project hours to your project manager is one example of such rules."
The impact of such a tool on the consultants has been dramatic and severe. " I get Friday morning blues", remarked a consultant. "A strong correlation has been found between employee depression and PMC", said an HR on condition of anonymity. "Our internal forecast says PMC will be the most important cause for employee resignation in next 5 years and the "medieval" compensation package will be a distant second", she added. Not everyone is complaining though. A bespectacled director of a SE Asia office said," Filling up PMC takes lot of time, so I am planning to take an intern who will do the same and serve me in other ways too ..hee hee hee", he winked and grinned sheepishly.
Feroze & Suleiman in the Media
Ever since the Watergate scandal, where Feroze & Suleiman are believed to have played a key role, they have receieved immense publicity in the media. Feroze & Suleiman Analysts, Directors, Partners, Cleaners and just about anyone are quoted extensively, mostly in the bloopers sections. Here are some examples.
“The semiconductor industry in Singapore will be 2/3rd's of it's GDP in 2010.”
“Disruptive Technologies are those Technologies that Disrupt Other Technologies.”
“Being part of a global cost cutting drive is exciting and a great learning experience. (translated from local language)”
Jason was quite unhappy that Feroze & Suleiman only appeared in bloopers sections and was in talks with 'sleeping and loose change' partner, Roman Bernard as to how to overcome this major challenge. During this time, Roman was a whitehouse intern and it was Richard Nixon's presidency. Nixon suggested to Roman during one of the massage sessions that he hire Oscar Wilde as their PR Manager on the basis that, Oscar Wilde's present employers, Uncyclopedia were a tad tired of his popularity being greater than theirs and were looking to let go of him. Bernard and Jason didn't have much in the form of real money to offer Oscar but Oscar accepted the worthless coins of Ecuadorean money that Bernard carried and also some of Jason's soaps in exchange for a trailblazing PR and marketing campaign. Soon enough, Oscar's penchant for fine men, wine, The New York Times and Gandhi landed incredible publicity for Feroze & Suleiman. Here are some examples:
“Dick (Richard Nixon) has a great tummy just like the Delhi Belly. Feroze & Suleiman are great too, just like those dudes Simon & Garfunkel”
Feroze Trail: A Curtain raiser to Flagship event
Feroze Trail,the brainchild of Quick Gun, is a charity run that marks the beginning of the flagship event (see next section). The event is inspired by the U2 number "I want to run I want to hide" which in turn is inspired by Quick Gun's's childhood incidents where he used to run from his neighbours in his village after stealing cowdung from their cowsheds. "We encourage our clients to take part in this event", Quick Gun told a press reporter. "Since many of our clients are bank robbers and wagonbreakers, we urge them to stay fit and put their best feet forward when cops chase them."
The trail is small, in fact much smaller than the circumference of the garden at Anand's house in California. The event is usually sponsored by a local mafia who buy growth parternship services from Feroze and Suleiman. This year, the money raised will be sent to 3 persons lodged in the Alcatraz prison, who are ex-CEOs of companies that adopted Feroze & Suleiman's strategies to grow in their markets. "They were excellent clients and our recommendations were brilliant except for the part where we recommended them to partner with a local ganglord to penetrate the market", Quick Gun said. "Anyways..as they serve their sentcences, we pray for their speedy release so that we can serve them in near future".
"Just like a flower without fragrance seems incomplete, a country without a leader plunges into anarchy, Feroze & Suleiman without its flagship GIL is like a man without his private parts", said a thoughtful Anand Bakshi. GIL which stands for Gamble, Imitate, and Lose is one of a kind platform to bring all the underperforming CEOs together who booze, play lousy golf, and share raunchy jokes with their peers for a period which can vary from 2 to 10 (9.8 rounded) days. Choosing a venue for this event has always been a difficult task. This year Jason Newsstand felt that the event should happen on the surface of the moon as he wanted a crater named after him. When some Feroze & Suleiman employees apprised him of some of the difficulties, he threw a tantrum. "Dont give me this crap okay", he fumed. "You have any idea how much fun it would be to play golf there..gravity is 9.8 times less (it is 6 times less, Mr Jason!!!) than that of the Earth", he went on. However, his dream could not be realized as the talks with Somali pirates, who had earlier promised to sponsor the event, broke down at the very last moment. The event finally happened at Ouagadougou, capital of Burkina Faso.
Choosing a keynote speaker was an equally challenging task. After a series of sub steering, steering and super steering meetings, Osama Lin Baden of US of A (he later shifted to Saudi Arabia to start his chain of harems) was given this unique honor. When asked about the rationale behind choosing him, Quick Gun said, "We are looking for a growth partner for our Middle East offices. We need manpower to run these centers and Sir Osama with his 27 wives and between 50 and 55 children, can be our perfect partner. Plus he will give platinum membership to our employees in his harems..hee hee hee".
Jason, Quick Gun and Anand personally decided to fly in Jason’s 1980 model Glider to Riyadh to deliver the invite. Along the way while Quick Gun was combing his hair, he dropped the invite into the Arabian Sea. Many governments were involved in the manhunt for the invite letter. It was never traced. The governments of India, Saudi Arabia, Iran and the Somali Pirates spent nearly 14657958859950.38383 USD on the search and concluded that there was no letter in the first place. McKinsey and BCG were hired as external consulting firms during this search and approximately 50% of the budget went into paying their consultants.
Jason meanwhile who was piloting the Glider almost crash landed straight into one of Osama’s harems. It almost cost them the platinum membership to these harems. As soon as they were in the meeting room with Osama, Jason began with the Feroze & Suleiman 40 second speech — “Hi my name’s Jason Newsstand, I am an analyst with Feroze & Suleiman…” Quick Gun cut him short and said actually Feroze Suleiman was Anand Bakshi’s long lost cousin, and on his deathbed told Anand that his dying wish was to have a growth consulting company named after him and that’s how Feroze & Suleiman came about.
An angry Jason slapped Quick Gun and then told an amused Osama that Feroze & Suleiman is presently working on the Blue Ocean strategy for Harem Expansion, Growth, Innovation, Marketing, Market Entry etc and they would be happy to deliver it to his ‘growth’ team very soon in exchange for Harem membership. It is believed that Jason’s sense of Barter trade is due to a ghost from the medival times residing in his body. Other items that are part of Barter Deals include his underwear (with Ralph Lauren). Ralph Lauren it is believed is part of this deal with Feroze & Suleiman even though there is no relevance to his business, just to have a good laugh on an off day or goto sleep when he isn’t able to.
An impressed Osama decided to be the keynote speaker in return for Feroze & Suleiman providing a job to his brother in law and father in law, the one and only one Mullah Omar. Mullah Omar has been out of job ever since George Dubya Bush converted to Islam and became an ambassador for peace between America and the Muslim world. Jason even hosted Mullah and Dubya in his garage cum office in Mountain View, California. The much vaunted publicity for Feroze & Suleiman did not come about as Dubya ‘s quotes outdid Jason’s.
The launch of Feroze & Suleiman Business School
The official launch of Feroze & Suleiman Business School in Bombay was a star-studded affair. The speakers at the session were an eclectic mix of people from various spheres of life. Classes for the first batch will start soon at Anand Bakshi’s penthouse in Byculla, Bombay. “Dude, this is not good”, said a visibly upset member of the crowd. “Earlier Anand used to host rave parties there and we could smoke pot without fear of getting caught. Now I hear the place will be turned into some kind of temple of growth...this is not done.”
The chief guest for the event and Feroze’s “Growth” partner Osama flew in especially for the occassiony from the Middle East. He exhorted the crowd to join the business school. “The business school will open a whole new world of opportunities for the students. I need bright young blood to manage my harems and support my expansion plans. Recruitment for my core business in Pakistan and Afghanistan will be on in full swing by the time the first batch graduates.” The next speaker Oscar Wilde vouched for Jason’s vision and commitment towards the school. “This school is going to beat the fucking shit out of the average business schools like Harvard and Wharton ”, he roared amidst thundering applause. “This dude is a fucking genius in Blue Ocean strategy”, he pointed towards Jason. “I see a bright fucking deep blue future ahead for this school.” Sarah Palin, the newly appointed Vice President of Feroze and Suleiman’s Alaska office was at her humorous best during her speech. “This business school will mean business”, she said in a deep condescending tone. “Our managers would partner with fishermen communities and various marine species to help them grow in the blue ocean”. Anand Bakshi was appointed the Dean of the business school. “The single word that captures the essence of the school is “Growth” ”, he said in his speech. “Our managers will be partners in growth of everything under the sun, from hair to heroin”.
To be contd.
Feroze & Suleiman's Senior 'Management' Profiles
“These profiles are out of the world dude. No B-School or organization can ever boast of such experience. You discovering gravity pales infront of the 'growth' that Anand achieved selling female contraception in that Iranian restraunt that his driver owns in what's that place...sounds like bicycle”
Much has been written about Jason in the course of this article. But this profile attempts to present the reader with information hitherto unknown.
It is believed that Jason designed the 'forecast model' by 'scratch(ing)' on his 1824 Abacus machine while he was high on pot served at Anand's party. This ridiculously unbelievable model used to display 9.8 for anything you attempted to calculate. Jason believed that this strenghtened his 9.8% growth theory which he 'pot(st)ulated' in Newton's orchard. Jason's background in blue water swimming has also contributed richly to the amazing success of the 9.8% growth model. Jason believes that his 1824 ABACUS Machine is the key to anyone's growth hence all consultants and analysts at Feroze & Suleiman are supplied with these machines to carry out their daily activities while in the office.
Anand Bakshi who presently heads Feroze & Suleiman's operations in the Arctic Circle, Mongolia and Madagascar comes with 'solid' experience in almost every sphere of life. As an aspiring Bollywood actor in the late 1980s Anand perfected the art of putting on a wig, a skill which he was to later use to 'great success' at Feroze & Suleiman. "A wig in essence is used to cover a bald man's head. At Feroze & Suleiman, if you take the wig (stylized decorations and cosmetic aspects) off Feroze & Suleiman's reports, you will find only a bald head (nothing but rubbish) there." he once remarked. Prior to Feroze & Suleiman, Anand used to sell tea and fight for tea shop space with Jackie Shroff and Prem Chopra in the bylanes of Byculla. His 'fighting' spirit can be attributed to those days. While Jackie Shroff and Prem Chopra went on to become successful Bollywood actors, the untimely arrival of Jason into Anand's life (he whacked the wig off his head during his first audition) prevented Anand's foray into Bollywood but produced one of the greatest 'growth' guys of all time.
Quick Gun Murugan
Quick Gun has been one of the most interesting additions to Feroze & Suleiman's senior management. In the mid-1990's Quick Gun, dressed as a cowboy sailed on a ship from his native village (somewhere deep in South India) to Bombay. He is called "Quick Gun" because of his ability to 'quick (kick is spelt this way in some parts of South India)' the Gun with a bang. He is even rumored to have given Rajnikanth major competition during his initial days. Upon landing in Bombay, Quick Gun entered a bar, went upto the counter and told a waiter "Oru Whiskey, Oru Masala Dosai". Anand and Jason who were sitting closeby and discussing Jason's Hollywood ambitions sat up and took notice. Jason took one glance at Quick Gun and told Anand .."Mate, this guy is meant for Bollywood not you. Look, he wears a funny looking green hat and what's he wearing instead of his trousers (looking at the Lungi). He also carries his gun strapped onto that trouser thing like a belt. This is fashion and certainly fashionable in Bollywood man." Quick Gun replied to Jason "Ennada Rascalla, I not Bollywood I say, I am Kollywood. I can "Quick" the gun at 9.8 km.per second I say, Mind it". The utterance of 9.8 lit a slew of tubelights in Jason's otherwise dark and empty head. The rest as they say is History....
Ganesh comes with the unique ability to bark rather than talk. While most people would walk the talk, Ganesh prefers to bark the walk. Ganesh's proximity to Anand ensured his unprecedented rise in the organization as Director of Ougadagdou Operations. Of course this means that he's incharge of all the washrooms, cafeteria space, floor cleaning etc in all the offices. Prior to Feroze & Suleiman, Ganesh used to take part in drag races on the Mumbai-Pune expressway and also smuggle drugs for Anand's rave parties.
Dhoklabhai Taklabhai Patel
The Feroze and Suleiman Uncyclopedia team got a distress call in the wee hours of the morning from Dhoklabhai Taklabhai Patel, partner wid Feroze & Suleiman and head of a SE Asian office. “You know.. my name is Dholakbhai”, he sobbed uncontrollably.”You guys write so much ..you know.. about Quick Gun and others.. you know.., but nothing for me. Boo hoo hoo..you know..” He hung up the phone before our concerned team member could react.
Dhoklabhai was born in bustling city of Mumbai and the very first word he spoke was not “Mama” or “Papa” but “You know”. His dad had a transferrable job and his family travelled with him wherever he went. His dad always preferred flight as the mode of travel because Dholakbhai wanted to play in the laps of airhostesses. The playful encounters triggered a maelstrom of emotions in Dholakbhai’s infant impressionable mind and he decided to join airlines industry when he would grow up, either as a pilot or as a member of cleaning crew. However, life was not kind to Dholakbhai. He flunked the physical examination test of the airlines academy, and one of the examiners commented on his physique, “this semi bald guy looks 5 months pregnant dude, and he stands like a chimpanzee”.
Shattered by his failure, Dholakbhai took to smuggling hashish and girls to Copacabana and made a fortune for himself. However, Interpol soon found out about his activities and sent sniffer dogs to hunt him down. Dholakbhai left Mumbai in disguise and took a train to some obscure South Indian village. He was passing by a cowshed where Quick Gun was neatly packing his colorful clothes in his orange suitcase. They exchanged glances and from that moment..they knew..there were friends for a lifetime. They smoked pot together and Quick Gun remarked, “No Joke I say, I like you. I going to study Yum Bee Yay in Musafirbad (Muzzafarabad) Business School. Mind join me?” Dhoklabhai's face fell at the mention of B-School and informed Quick Gun that he had a negative score in the entrance exam to which, Quick Gun quipped,”Dont worry I say. Fancy dress quota still avaliable. I dress like South Indian Cowboy and you dress like Maharaja of Gaipaijama wokay?. Admission valid still seats last. Let us go.”
And the two men made their way to Muzzafarabad. And their friendship became stronger. Quick Gun went to Mumbai during his summer holidays, met Jason and Anand in a bar and left quite an impression on them. When he got an offer from Feroze & Suleiman, he forwarded Dholakbhai’s profile to Anand. In his cover letter, Dholakbahi wrote, “You know .. I am 36.8% bald and losing my hair at the rate of 9.8%. I love to see airhostesses bending over me while serving food. Please give me..you know..a job profile where I could travel 5 days a week. Jo Bole so Nihal…” Dholakbhai was selected without an interview and rest as they say is history
"Sarwant Servant Singhania' Singh"
The man who is obsessed with Rocket Singh movie, never lets his team relocate and get to earn a salary that'd let them enjoy a luxurious lifestyle. Of course, when an analyst puts down his papers, Servant Singhania rushes to the best-cost location and makes the analyst an offer he can't refuse - i.e. to relocate to the European HQ. Also the man who is having affairs with the MEGANATH in his team. A man who cheats on his wife for 5 seconds of pleasure with his team and then gets her to write his book and articles.
This guy is quite the clown. He and Servant are the classic examples of "stay in a company for over a decade and you'll make it to the top" and "let's cheat on our wives with people in the company". And the top-heavy management structure helps them usurp all the profits, throwing peanuts to the monkeys sitting in their best-cost location operations.