Ferrari
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Black men can't drive Ferraris, ENDSTOP.”
~ Eddie Griffen
“If and have one of these, you have a small penis”
“I once had a ferrari, but its love of camembert and roquefort meant it just had to go!”
~ Cheese afficianado
“I own many of these, but for some reason there all red”
“We lose not because we didn't have diffuser, but our engineers are masturbating while they asemble Kimi Fakkonen and Flipit Massa's car. FIRE them, husband.”
~ Michelle Yeoh quotes
“I was disfigured and have to always wear this racing helmet to protect me from future threats”
~ The Stig
“WOW! It was shorter than me!”
~ Richard Hammond from Top Gear
The Ferrari is, type of Italian car that has very poor handling and a tendency to crash into inferior brands. These horses are loud, brash and are in fact erroneously termed horses, because they are not of equine origin, but automobile origin. An automobile being much like a horse, but having wheels not legs, and bearing little resemblance. If you were to own a ferrari, you would inevitably have a large income, low self esteem, or be called Wayne Rooney (see movies: Shrek). These vehicles are commonly driven by the collective species known as a 'Wag of Bankers'. The main purpose of the Ferrari is the transportation of people who overcompensate; this has been designed as a secondary feature, or to make a mockery of the person who originally wrote this article, as it is dire. The main purpose is to get people to stop making fun of your Ford Ka, or, in secondary mode, attract neighborhood cats by activating the integral "pussy magnet". Environmentalists want to see Ferrari's manufacturer FIAT sent into premature, yet inevitable liquidation. "Chav Motor-Faction", have invested in research into a new generation turbo, to drag children from the street and use them solely to boost turbo pressure upto 14000psi and give the car 'Proper well good boot from a wet roundabout'.
Contents |
[edit] Features
Ferraris are well known for their poinis putting a lot of useless buttons and RPM meters consisting of only 5 bright red lights made to blind you at night(look at the ENZO) into their cars. Chief among which are:
- Traction Control - Contrary to popular belief, this feature actually 'controls' traction by making sure you have as little of it as possible at any given time. See image above for clarification.
- Porsche mode - made so that the car actually preforms well, and becomes German at particular torque delivery points.
- Snow Mode - Adjusts your car for driving on slippery surfaces (like the tires) . Specifically, it makes it drive like it's always on a slippery surface. It is not to be confused with Traction Control which makes sure you have no Traction, it makes it FEEL like there is no traction, get those differences straight.
- Launch Control - Used by people who don't understand that the brake and gas pedals are NOT things to be depressed at the same time, it assists traction control by helping you to spin out as quickly as possible.
- Climate Control - Car self destructs
- Big bag of cash for Bernie Ecclestone to ensure that they win at Formula 1
- Steroids for Massa and Fakkonen to endure their car's bad performance
[edit] Production Models
The name Ferrari comes from the Middle Roman word 'Ferrariavantipronto', which literally translated means 'peasant tractor'.
[edit] Bozo
The Bozo also sometimes mistakenly referred to as the Enzo, is Ferarri's flagship model. It is said to be the illegitimate love child born of a threesome between a Formula 1 Car, a Peterbilt Truck and a certain Micheal Shoemaker or may be Micheal Jackson. It is a car for those whose male anatomy has shrunk to a size smaller than that of a mosquitoes, but have enhanced it with silicone implants. Standard equipment is a pussy magnet in size(nudge nudge) XXL, the pussy magnet is designed to attract Silicone masses larger than 1.44 times that of the sun. It features two seats, one is made out of cardboard so that it does not make the already 50 ton car lighter. It also has an advanced computer controlled fuel injection system which uses a wormhole to to transport the masive amounts of gas you will use while opening the door(no fart jokes please). It is powered by an advanced systems which Ferrari has stolen from AREA 51, it consist of four aliens from Mexico turning the drive shaft really fast and have Flintstone brakes(explains the terrible preformance. Pressing the accelerator down squirts more fuel into the already lit aliens arse, causing them to run faster and also scream louder thus producing its characterless tuba bass. They cost 1 million or 1 quadrillion euros..
[edit] Specification
- Length: Longer than your Dad's Pickup truck(or my......cat)
- Width: it's over NINE THOUSAAAAND
- 0-60: 0-60 in about as much time as it takes for an old man to walk across the universe
- V-1nano engine which ejaculate balls of fire when supplied with Viagra
[edit] 599GTB
The 599 GTB (Grand Totally Bozoed)was is the bastardized love child of a Ford Thunderbird and a Pontiac Solstice with squinty eyes. Most owners of this car are those whose male anatomy has shrunk to a size smaller than a grain of sand. Standard Features include a pussy magnet designed by Gucci, the magnet has a capability to attract Blondes with large mammaries.
[edit] F-Whore30
The F-Whore30 also known as the F-Bore30 is nothing more than the previous F360 on steroids with a sex change operation. Standard equipment includes a dumb pussy magnet. The car is often used by bored executives and illegitimate children of Hollywood starlets and Producers to pick up cheap use and throw $30 whores, hence its name. Often involved in street racing and the most commonly wrecked Ferrari, side effects of buying this car are alleviated levels of anti-boredom.
[edit] FERRARI COMMUNIST
The Communist is made in china by eunuchs in pig tails. It is made of the finest quality cut spare ribs. Its customers include Borat, Bilok and Azamat and not to forget Paris Hilton who demanded one made in dog fur. So far, 3432473274932 have not been sold.
[edit] 308 GTS
The 308 GTS (Greatest TV Show) is a convertible from the lower end of Ferrari's model range. Most of these have been purchased by an unknown customer in Hawaii.
[edit] 365 GTB/4 Daytona
The 365 GTB/4 Daytona is a high-end Grand Touring coupe popular with undercover cops in Miami.
MADE IN CHINA FERRARI
[edit] Tesco Value Ferrari
As part of the Tesco organization's plans to dominate and monopolize the market in more and more product areas, the vehicle was conceived in 1996, when Piero Ferrari, son of the great Enzo reached a deal with entrepreneur Alan Sugar worth almost six hundred million euros. Ferarri's elite team of designers would work on a new, budget range of their "supercar" in return for the increased "recognition" of the "Ferrari" "brand" in rural areas of the British Isles.
Based on the Ferrari F50*cough*copied*cough*, the two-seater convertible/it-suck-when-it-rains car has a plastic 10L turbo V12 engine allowing for speeds in excess of 23MPH[1], and a 0-60MPH time of 2 minutes 35 secs if the vehicle is pushed down a mountain made out of speed boosts. The 0.87 HP generated meant that the car was the most powerful in its class (Shopping trollies) for 1997. Presently, Sir Clive Sinclair is wondering if he should sue someone over this.
[edit] See also
[edit] Footnotes
- ↑ Based on the top speed of an average human, driving "Fred Flintstone"-style
