Figure skating

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Figure skating.

“Sarah Hughes is the most sublime skater of the 20th century and deserves all the best.”

~ Michelle Kwan on the errands she needs to run later

“Skating's the most beautiful sport. Except for extreme suit-wearing. Why are my hands cold?”

~ Frank Carroll

“I love layback spins”

~ Dick Button

“Sex Bomb, Sex Bomb i am yourrrrr Sex Bomb”

~ Evgeni Plushenko
A skater does a spreadeage. It's exactly what it sounds like.

Figure skating is possibly a sport, but more like an art, or maybe it's just what other people do on a Saturday morning to prove they're more hardcore than you.

Figure skating's so hardcore, it was a part of the Winter Olympics before the Winter Olympics existed. It managed this through time travel and bending the space-time continuum so that Evgeni Plushenko could win even more medals. Despite all this, Michelle Kwan still can't keep a coach. No one knows why.

Figure skaters are commonly thought to be gay, this is because everyone else is a loser. Real skaters know that all good skaters start training at the age of 6 months into gestation and therefore do not have fully-formed genitals, let alone a sexual orientation. If a skater has not started skating before birth, that skater will never make it to the Olympics.

But perhaps the graceful sport of figure skating is best summed up in a thoughtful and expressive description from the memoirs of Katarina Witt in 1999. The passage --considered by many enthusiasts as embodying the core ideals of the sport-- simply and succinctly states:

“There is nothing more life-giving, than sitting back and watching a figure skater fall on his or her ass over and over again. Sometimes I find myself cheering like a crazed football fan, just screaming 'FALL, FALL, FALL, YOU MOTHERFUCKER, EAT THE FLOOR!'”

~ Katarina Witt

Sadly, is doomed to die because noone can stand up to the evil president Speedy, who ruined it with his new scoring system.

Compulsory figures[edit]

Also called school figures because doing them was as boring as third grade.

They made no sense. Not even Dick Button liked them. And they looked bad on television.

They got offed for good in 1990. Good riddance.

Famous Skaters. Kara Mckenzie:She is at this point world number one in figure skating she has obtained every medal possibel in figure skating and will be in the next winter olympics for australia

Skating moves[edit]

What skating moves you need to know depends on where you're from.

If you're from Japan, the only word you need to know is Inabauer, or, more commonly, inaba----. You can slur the letters together and drop off the last consonant. It's all right. No one cares. No one knows what it means anyway. It has something to do with spaghetti. Or maybe not.

If you're in the US, you need to know about spread eagles and moves in the field. A spread eagle is exactly what it sounds like, and it got its name because Ulrich Salchow (who invented the Salchow jump and the donut) was a kinky bastard. Moves in the field are what replaced compulsory figures. Don't worry, you don't need to know what that is. Whenever somebody asks your opinion about moves in the field, say, "figures were better". That's all you need to know. You'll be accepted immediately.

If you're in Russia, spirals are overrated.

If you're in China, spins are overrated.

If you're in Korea, please note, Yu-Na Kim is not the name of a skating move.

If you're in Canada, Elvis Stojko was robbed in 1992, and again in 1994 and was a hero in 1998. Brian Orser did his best in '88, but, goddammit, figures sucked. If you are a Canadian, you are allowed to hate figures.

Skating competitions[edit]

The only competition that matters is the Olympics. That's all you need to know.

World Championships[edit]

Not the Olympics.

World Junior Championships[edit]

Not the Olympics.

European Championships[edit]

Not the Olympics.

Four Continents Championships[edit]

Not the Olympics. And no one takes it seriously anyway.

Figure Skating Costumes[edit]

ladies: Broadly Wear these types of costumes:

Skirts that are cut at strategic places for ensuring good view:[[Media:Image:Example.jpg]]

Skirts that are not cut are helpfully transparent to reduce effort of viewer[[Media:Image:Example.jpg]]

Skirts that are not cut or transparent are so small that you wonder why they are there any way[[Media:Image:Example.jpg]]

Off course those who don't want to win anything usually wear jeans,trouser,pants etc:[[[[Media:Example.jpg]]]] Men:

Who cares ??????

Ten figure skaters you need to know for cocktail parties[edit]

You will never go to cocktail parties, sure, but it might come up during Dungeons and Dragons one night, or at your BDSM kink party.

  1. Michelle Kwan: Overrated American skater who doesn't have an Olympic gold medal but has managed to convince everyone that she has. This is accomplished by cunning use of the title "Most Decorated American Skater Ever."
  2. Dick Button: Actually the Most Decorated American Skater Ever. He's more famous for being a television commentator.
  3. Midori Ito: The reason the Japanese are also allowed to hate figures.
  4. Peggy Fleming: The reason Americans are not allowed to hate figures.
  5. Scott Hamilton: The first, but not the last, American male skater to build a career on being heterosexual, then turn his back on it as soon as he went professional.
  6. Kurt Browning: The only four-time World Champ to go into 2 Olympics as reigning World Champ but never pull out an Olympic medal. Total loser. He probably started skating when he was three or something. As Kurt is currently in his late 40s and still doing triples, it is arguable he is in fact a demigod. But as impressive as this all is, it really comes down to the fact that he's a freaking amazing human being who loves what he does.
  7. Timothy Goebel: Catholic figure skater who did the first quadruple salchow. Yeah, we're just kidding you. He did the first quad axel.
  8. Natalia Mishkutenok: Back when she was competing, a Soviet doctor predicted that she would be in a wheelchair by the time she was 30 because of her total freakish flexibility. Despite the fact that she's over-30 and not in a wheelchair, that's still the only thing you'll ever need to know about her.
  9. Alexei Yagudin and Evgeni Plushenko: Two Russian guys who won everything for like eight years straight. Whatever.
  10. Brian Boitano: An amazing skater with a wonderful record and great ability who, despite all this, grew up to be a South Park punchline. His mother stays up nights crying, wondering what she did wrong.

Ten pieces of music to play for your skating friends to drive them insane[edit]

Because waterboarding is so five minutes ago. There are many overused pieces of music in skating that will make blood pour out of your eyes and cause your neck to rotate 355 degrees, then snap and fall off and then get used as a soccer ball by Evan Lysacek and Johnny Weir. Here is a list of the one you need to know.

  1. Carmen
  2. Carmen
  3. Carmen
  4. Carmen
  5. Carmen
  6. Carmen
  7. Carmen
  8. Carmen
  9. Carmen
  10. Carmen


They're all the same.

And they're that annoying.

Trust us.

Ice Dancing: The thinking man's skating competition[edit]

Ice dancing features self-important artistes with no fashion sense.

That said, ice dancers are often the most attractive skaters. Furthermore, they aren't jailbait.

And they wear next to nothing and what they do wear gets ripped off them a lot.


Example: Tatiana Navka.