“My mother is of Chinese descent, my father is a quarter Spanish, and I call myself a pure Filipino.”
Filipinos (or Pinoys) are extremely emotional creatures with a pair of eyes; ears & nostrils; and two arms & legs much like humans. They pout and use their lips instead of their fingers to point to things, and they can understand each other using various body languages and gestures without uttering a word. At home, a Filipino family's hospitality is renowned worldwide. They will more than happily accept over $500 worth of food and groceries, but will be extremely insulted if you offer to make even one grilled cheese sandwich.
To get a Filipino's attention, just say "Hoy!", or "Psstttt!", or "Pssst uyy!!!". If this approach fails, yell "DOG!" and they will turn around, fangs bared and eyes bulging, saying "WHERE?!"
Filipinos also automatically cry, as if on cue, whenever they are interviewed. Be it on the Local News, some crappy noontime variety show, or Britain's got talent, they will flat out whine and cry, and tell the whole world that their life is miserable as fuck and all of their relatives are in their deathbeds and shit.
They have an appendage called a celfone which they use to communicate with their herd. This body part, if taken away from a Filipino, will result in paranoia. This makes it easier for biologists to identify the Filipinos in the wild, since they have their individual IMEI numbers which the scientists can track. Filipinos immediately respond to celfone messages rather than any emergency and calls you can imagine.
Whitening cream and transexualism is very popular with Filipinos. Over half of the GDP comes from these two interests.
Coños & Jologs
There exists two subcultures in this race, the "coños" (a name for the pinoy bourgeoisie, it actually means "cunt" in Spanish. Yeah you know, pink tacos, pussy, pink hole, etc.) and the "jologs".
The coños flaunt their superficiality through extravagant lifestyles and kissing American capitalism's ass. Examples of such are Tim Yap, Tessa Prieto Valdez, Kris Aquino and all the Cojuancos and Madrigals that walk the face of the earth. Their vocabulary includes using the word "like" and "prrrrang" (two separate words, usually used together... "like... prrrang... um... like... prrrang... uh, like yeah, that one..."). Do not forget the "you know" plus "kase eh", then it becomes "like... prrrang.. um like you know kase eh... uhm you know? like, like that oh?".
Then there are the "jologs" or the masses, who want to be like the coños but can't because of the poverty and corruption. Their wardrobe consists of third world coño-wannabe shirts that have (intentionally?) bad spelling, ie. Mike (Nike), Gutshy (Gucci), Praba (Prada), Skaters (Skechers), Havanas (havaianas) etc.; or has to make do with second-hand designer clothing to fit in the crowd.
Peculiarities on the Jologs Sub-culture
Furthermore, a more unique feature of the jologs subculture is that it has its own self-made religion wherein they worship the tenets of ABS-CBN. International singer, philanthropist and horti-culturalist April "Boy" Regino speculates that the continuous admiration of Willie Revillame, the so-called supreme deity of the jologs subculture, is a manifestation of both genuine Filipino religiosity and happy-go-luckiness. However, due to a stampede tragedy during a religious ceremony (known as Wowowee), a substantial part of the jologs demographic reverted to the now archaic religion of the trinity between Tito, Vic and Joey.
- On Coffee: Starbucks vs. Nescafe 3 in 1
- On Slippers: Havaianas & Ipanema vs. Islander, Spartan & Havana (?!)(It's amazing how coños make cheap things look cool)
- On Ballpens: Pilot vs. Panda
- On Bags: Louis Vuitton vs. Barf bags and grocery bags, aka bayongs.
- On Water: Evian vs. Rain water from drums
- On Medicine: Tylenol vs. some voodoo ritual dance
- On Medicine: The General Practitioner vs. the Albularyo (Medicine Man) whose main medication is a bit of spit
- On Sex: One night stands from bars vs. Affairs with the next door neighbor...
- On Female Sexuality: Open minded vs. POKPOK...
- On Pest Control: Raid vs. The Rubber Sandal
Bat Fuck Insane Behavior
Main Article: Bat Fuck Insane
Most Filipinos are bilingual and well educated. In fact, the Philippines has a high literacy rate and sometimes at par with first world countries, like Mordor. But the majority of Filipino college graduates have a tendency to go overseas, sell themselves short and get a crappy job somewhere else - doing it for the lulz. Some experts speculate that Filipinos love to shit in their own underwear and lament that their country is going down in flames, even if there is a seemingly good chance of getting a high paying job locally. Other experts agree that most Filipinos are just bat fuck insane and get shit-ass jobs abroad so that others will think that they are "playa N gots da bling". This kind of behavior reached its peak during the '90s when a would be doctor went to some foreign white-ass continent to become a nurse - now really, that's bat fuck insane!!! And when they have escaped their imaginary "Mogadishu-like" image of the Philippines they have embedded in their pathetic minds, they somehow adopt their current location as their hometown. This kind of bat fuck insane behavior was first seen in Friendster and MySpace, and TV shows such as Eat Bulaga and Wowowee (yay representing California!!! Califor-N-I-A!!!!). Leading Filipino scholar and national hero Raganciano Kapitapitagan Junior says that only Filipinos who love to eat dogs and put highlights in their hair exhibit this kind of bat fuck insane behavior.[Citation needed]
Filipinos also have a propensity to diss their homeland. They love taking snapshots of squatters and crappy places in the country and send them to contests and exhibits and stuff, and foreigners will think that the Philippines is indeed going down the shithole. Imagine a photo contest where other countries have breathtaking sceneries and beautiful images as their entries . . . get it??? Now imagine diarrhea-afflicted squatter kids somewhere in a dumpsite taking a dump and crying . . . yeah that would be the Philippines' best photo ever!!! A country gifted with a natural God-given beauty, and all you get is a bat fuck insane photo in the eyes of a bat fuck insane "artist". Now seriously, that's bat fuck insane!!![Citation needed, though not really]
|What the fuck!!!! We have hobos and shit in our country and I'm sure there are skanky-ass-dirt-poor people in other parts of the world maybe worse than the Philippines!!! I've been in the Philippines and its a mothafuckin fly-ass country!!! But why do these punk-ass bitches love to take broke-ass photos like that? That is just muthafuckin bat fuck insane bitch!!! |
—Award winning photographer and nobel prize winner Rick James
Most Filipinas love to be 'hos for the White Man and marry them. These innocent and sweet Filipinas are quickly transformed to the blonde-haired greasy-ass looking bitches we see in Friendster and MySpace as soon as they set foot on the White Man's soil. Statistics show that only the females exhibit this kind of bat fuck insane behavior. Experts say it is not clear why most male Filipinos never get the urge to bang a white foreigner and take them as their wives. Its either they're not bat fuck insane or they're just plain butt ugly in the eyes of a white bitch. "This is bat fuck insane, I gotsta get myself a hot-ass Filipina bitch!!!", says one White Guy who think he's from da 'hood. Hence the birth of the mail-order bride business.[Citation from a 'mail order bride client' needed]
Experts also noticed that other Asians stick to their own kind and marry someone within their race. "Knee-how, they like they baby to look like Balbie becos they bat fuck insane !!!", says one Chinese who wish to remain anonymous on bat fuck insane Filipinas.
"And I lab fly lice too!!!", the Chink added.[Citation from a Chinese needed]
Filipinos who exhibit the bat-fuckingest insane behaviour are in the United States of America. Immigrants from all over the world normally speak their own language in their homes, and never forget how to speak in their native tongue. Filipinos will automatically get a sort of "language amnesia" as soon as they become American Citizens or Green Card holders.[Citation needed? Nope this one is right on the money]
Thi...this is not true. Ac....actually this is ju...just plain offensive t...to the Filipino people, says Gary Valenciano, a green card holder who never speaks Tagalog. He later found out that he is also bat fuck insane. Gary Valenciano is also a world class epileptic, and the best friend of Martin Nievera - who is also bat fuck insane and never speaks Tagalog.
Lately, clueless Filipino readers of this page exhibit the same bat fuck insane behavior and leave stupid comments in the discussion tab. They bat fucking insanely lecture the contributors saying that this article needs more work and make it look more like Wikipedia, like making it look positive and not offensive and shit. And then they whine to the point of making themselves bat fuckingly uberinsaningly annoying. Then they add long stupid lists to this page and declare to the whole of Uncyclopedia that they are the funniest bad assed motherfucker that ever walked on the face of this miserable planet, as if that will scare the living crap out of the Filipino contributors and revise this whole damn article for them. [Citation not needed, thank you very much]
|I love Willy... Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you meant the gameshow host.|
—Sam Milby, Internationally Renowned Contortionist and Protector of the "3rd Kind".
Evolution is also evident in the Philippines. Charles Darwin would have been elated if he were alive today. A man is commonly called Filipino and a woman is called Filipina. The past few years have seen the emergence of a new race - the half-Filipino, half-Filipina - or in local language, the ''Bakla''. Scientists are baffled about how this new breed propagates, as there is no evidence that they ever get pregnant.
Main Article: Jejemon
|3ll0wZ pFouH! m3r0n pfOuNgh MaIn ArTiCl3Zz kAmiNg MgA JEJEMON!! Jejejeje...,,!!!|
—A Typical Jejemon.
j3j3mOnZ aR3 a N3w Br33dZ oF fIlIpInOeZz dHaTt tYp3zZ wIdD aLtErNaTiN6 cApZz, aNd InTeRcHaNgE nUmB3rZz w1dD l3tTuRrZz, aNd UzEzZ wRonG sZp3lLiN6Zz aNdD gRaMmArRzZ anD wEaRiNg j3j3cApZz bY jUzZ pUtTiNg iT oN dUrR hHeAdDzZ pFoUhH..,,!! jejejeje
The White Filipino
Creation of the breed
The White Filipino is a very strange breed. This specia came about during WWII when a lonely American G.I. named Private "a.k.a. Long John Snake" Joe paid a sexy young Filipino virgin girl for sex. The sexy young Filipino virgin girl (now known in history as "Annabel Rama" to hide her innocence), gave birth to two blue-eyed, blonde-haired, and albino twins (later designated by anthropologists and dog breeders as Adam and Eve) named Richard and Ruffa.
Breeding of the Half-Breeds
Ever since the first two many breeders have bred for more white Filipinos. They are bred usually with a male Caucasian and a Filipina.
The results of 50/50 half white half filipina breeding are as follows:
- Skin Color: albino pale, worshipped by the majority of the population.
- Height: Taller than the average midget sized Filipinos.
- Temperament: Bitchy because of the constant hounding of mongrel male Filipinos.
- Usual Occupation: Telenovela star or Movie Star in the local entertainment industry. Talent doesn't count here. As long as you are pale enough to be mistaken as a caucasian and can speak fluent english, you are going to die a happy death.
Rules on Being a Filipino
|When I was little, I wanted what many Filipino children all over the country wanted. I wanted to be blond, blue-eyed, and white.|
- Be shameful of your heritage and language, be a clone of an American.
- Any Caucasian or American is God (even if they rape your daughter).
- Carry a Nokia Cellphone, and use TXT msgs (never call it SMS or you will be PWNED!!! LOLZ)
- Avoid trailer parks.
- You must start a "peaceful" riot and then throw any crap you find when the police comes.
- You must like anything the Americans throw at you and immediately hate it for not being Filipino enough.
- When interrogating someone, beat them up. When they give in, throw them to the cats.
- Talk in "taglish" to sound rich.
- Think that basketball is the most popular and only sport in the world.
- Assume that any Filipino who can't speak english is BOBO while praising Japanese (who speak crappy english)intelligent and adorable.
- Go to a private school to learn English as it is the best language in the world and have you fined if you speak in Tagalog.
- Join Definitely Filipino in Facebook and NEVER EVER post a comment in Tagalog.
- When you give a comment on an internet community, always begin with "I'm filipino" even if they don't give a shit where you came from.
- Beware of "evil demons".
- Beware of dwarves.
- Act black.
- Elect actors and actresses into public office then clap your hands.
- Believe in superstitious bullshit.
- If you're a balikbayan from the states, never ever speak Tagalog.
- Always climb a volcano.
- When a typhoon hits, STAY OUTSIDE AND PLAY!!!
- Point with your lips.
- Shop til you drop folks, that's why our malls are bigger than those in the West!
- Complain to foreigners that the Philippines is the poorest country in the world and then spend all day shopping at fancy malls, drinking Starbucks coffee, and riding taxis.
- Eat rice all the time.
- Use your fingers to cook rice (best done while afflicted with a fatal, contagious disease )
- Ditch utensils!!! Eat with your hands, dammit!
- Be updated about Kris Aquino.
- Buy a painting of The Last Supper and hang it on your dining room wall, even if you're not Christian.
Where to find Filipinos
- Love hotels
- Under mountain hats
- In volcanoes
- For males: in a white girls ass
- For females: the hospital
- In villages with small houses
- In the ghetto fo sho
- Under rocks, trees, volcanos, mountains, of about
- In church
- In a grave
- Under a Jesus statue
- Anything to do with water buffalos
- Basketball games (you know the ones that aren't black)
- Black neighborhoods
- Lucky Plaza Singapore
- In the States, pretty much where the black people are in order to niggerize themselves and become gangstas and get some shiny-ass blingz. They later begin calling themselves "pi-ggers" for pilipino-niggers.