Film Criticism

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Film Criticism.

“The Secret Life of Bees sucks!”

So many lenses, so little to watch.

A weekly column by a movie reviewer nobody's ever heard of, "Movie Review" has turned from reviewing single movies to reviewing all movies ever produced for the reader's convenience.

This 5 million minute long docu-drama-comedi-horror-romance-pornography is far ahead of it's time in some segments, and about as good as castration in other parts. I particularly liked this movie, because I get paid to review it. The question is whether you, the viewer, should pay $50 million of your own hard earned money to watch it.

1215[edit]

In this year, the Magna Carta brought the rule of law to England, something which has informed common law countries' governmental structure to this day.

1860's[edit]

The beginning of the movie was... odd. In scratchy black and white with no sound, the movie was barely watchable. After a few hundred tedious hours of this, I was ready to pack it in. Obviously, whoever directed the first part of this film had very little sense of storyline. I admit it was hilarious when that guy got hit in the breadbox by a cannonball, but other than that, it was not much to look at.

1910's[edit]

Sometimes I wonder if I'm worthy of reviewing movies.
...Then I stop wondering.

Oh my, this has gone from horrible to slightly better. I remember distinctly this strange chap (who sported a mustache) in a bowler who walked in a very odd fashion. He was the most amusing man I've seen in many a year, what with his pratfalls and buffoonery. This has greatly increased my definition of "good film" to include all of this man's work. There is still no sound, but sound would take away from the enjoyment I am currently feeling, like drinking freshly squeezed orange juice from the jungles of California.

1930's[edit]

Jolly up you jitterbug, and let me tell you 'bout this stinkeroo. It was a total spliff swigger whoop-tee-doo. Firstly, there was this broad skipping down a COLORIZED brick road with her extremely gay friends. Then there was a whole segment on this Southern tramp who fights in the civil war or something. It was the biggest spliff swigger whoop-tee-doo I've seen in many a year! It even made my 1930's accent fade away for a sentence or so!

1960's[edit]

Um, yes. Excellent idea... You can solve all our problems...

Fab 4 watching? I'm afraid not. At first glance, this had all the makings of a great movie, but after closer observation it was clearly created using some kind of monkey/typewriter system. Obviously everyone (how is paying attention) will appreciate a the sex generated in the hippie scenes, but most viewers are likely to be making a cup of tea while that's on and miss the whole thing. I'd like to say that all the fuss generated by this film was actually worth the effort, but unfortunately, I recommend that you Turn off, don't tune in, and drop out.

1970's[edit]

Freaky man. Well, pass me the smoke pipe, and let me shake the tambourine. The whole thing started of as a week spin of from previous efforts in the 60's, but like it's forbears it really had no idea or substance behind it. What exactly is the point? Trousers of ridiculous proportions flared my temper, and a few songs about how great it would be to be nice to everyone do not a good movie make. Spaced out? A war in the stars would not spice this film up enough to save it from its obvious and unnecessary conclusion.

1980's[edit]

Take my breath away? Even the strongest of mouth washes could not remove the foul stench of this fall

“The 1980s refer to the years from 1980 to 1989, the time between 1979 and 1990. The decade saw the withdrawal of Soviet troops at the conclusion of the Soviet-Afghan War, the fall of the Berlin Wall, a lot of bands with big hair”

~ Wikipedia on actually being in the Wikipedia entry

Based on the chilly battle between Ronald Mc Donnald, and Micky Mouse regarding who could have the largest hair, and most ridiculous shirt, the story finally breaks up in Berlin leaving viewers wondering what to do next. I wish I could say that the film took my breath away, but in the end it was not even top trumps let alone top gun.
Fortunately the film was only released in Betamax format, and so most viewers were spared the experience. A Text based computer game was also published to accompany the film, but as the loading time was measured in hours most players preferred to watch the BBC.