Final Fantasy V
|NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!|
|The article you are looking at may not be work safe!|
...Although, since you're already here it's kind of too late for this warning to actually be useful.
|If a boss or coworker sees this article, claim that it was spam and blame the IT guys. Otherwise, continue to read it until your lewd urges are satisfied.|
“Damn, im the only one in any final fantasy who doesn't get any women action.”
“I'll be back”
“*Hurf Durf* The void is stronger THAN NOTHINGNESS!!!!”
|Final Fantasy V|
|Platforms||Super Nintendo/PlayStation/Game Boy Advance|
|Would Jerry Fallwell play it?||Only for a million dollars.|
Final Fantasy V is the final game of the crystal series. It was made as a tax dodge by Square in order to escape their creditors. Soon afterwards, the atom bomb was dropped on Hiroshima, so all of the creditors died in a horrible inferno. This gave Square to opportunity to actually make money on the game. To their dismay, Square found out that the game was not as popular as their previous release: Final Fantasy IVevarz.
Once upon a time there was a boy who rode a bird which he could not eat and subsequently abandoned in a cave belonging to sex starved pirates who practiced bestiality. But before all of this happened, a meteor fell from the sky, killing several thousand NPCs and wounding millions. Oddly enough, no crater was formed. To further understand the plot, we must look at the characters.
The Characters (duh)
Seymour Butts (Bartz in the Japanese version)- a man obsessed with Bart Simpson. His father died when he was a kid, then his mother croaked, so he had a messed up life. To hide from his pain, Bartz rides around on a chocobo named Boko, who had lost to Bartz in a game of poker and, since he couldn't be eaten, became Fartz's pack mule. Early in the game, however, Bartz realizes that Boco serves no use and leaves him outside a cave to starve to death. Later on in the game his drinking buddy, Galuf has a trajic accedent and suffers a painful death. Due to the fact that he was the only guy left in the crew, Bartz decided to be an asshole and took advantage of Galuf's death to keep all of the chicks to himself.
Boco- the real main character of the story. Boco is a giant-ass chicken who grew up in Harlem. His mother was the Little Red Hen and his father was a bestiality loving pirate. Being a giant chicken, the black people of Harlem often tried to deep fry his chicken ass, but always failed. Boco was out at the local strip club when he bumped into Bartz. Bartz, who was hungry at the time, decided to play Boco in a game of poker in order to get Boco to become his lunch. Bartz won, but Boco's skin was far too chewy to be eaten, so Boco became Bartz's slave/pack mule.
Galuf- A kick-ass old dude who is often thought to be Dick Clark in his true, non-face lifted form. He comes from another dimension which was destroyed by Bass.exe after some cat pissed him off. He rode to Earth in a meteor because he didn't want to wait 15 hours at airport security. He thinks he has amnesia, but doesn't remember if that is the case.
Lenna- some spoiled princess who nearly got flattened by a meteor. She has no importance whatsoever to the plot, except for hot hentai make out scenes with Reina.
Reina - Lenna's lesbian girlfriend, who doesn't appear in the game but happens to have more fans than Lenna. Contrary to most allegations, she is not a Puerto-Rican drag queen.
Faris- a transsexual girl who hangs around with perverted pirates. Her brother is a giant sea serpent named Syldra, who is her identical twin. She is really Lenna's sister, which comes as a huge shock to Syldra who was banging Lenna at the time (don't tell Reina).
Krill- Galuf's prized shrimp, who he sends to earth in a meteor more luxurious than his own. Because thats how much he loves it. The Krill doubles as a grand-daughter-bot, who acts and behaves like a sea-bitch. Becomes a character when Galuf dies. oops.
Gilgamesh- Exdeath's number one general. He is so kick ass that he gets his own theme music. He can turn into the Hindu god Shiva and wields the Excalipur, the most destructive weapon known to man and single digit HP forest imp.
Exdeath- a tree who, one very long time ago, was pissed on by an evil wizard. This made the tree evil as well. For some reason, Exdeath eventually got a human body, but had a horribly disfigured face that looked the Joan Rivers (and I mean the whole body) which had to be hidden by a mask. He wants to kill everything.
Void- Alfred Q. Void is the first black student to ever graduate from Harvard. His genius was employed by the very same wizard who pissed on Exdeath. One day, the wizard made a yo-momma joke which caused Alfred to kill him. He was acquitted because Johnny Cochran got him off. He is currently living in the Cleft of Dimension under the name O.J. Simpson.
Everyone Else- unimportant nobodies who waste your time by existing, except for Cid, who is a high-off-his-ass hippie who builds airships out of steam tugboats. He also dabbles in LandSubs.
The Rest Of The Plot
Bartz saves Lenna from getting raped by some imps and finds Galuf getting stoned out behind the Meteor. 4+ hours of unimportant gameplay occurs, Galuf gets hit over the head with a wrench and dies, and the hero's break into Alfreds house only to find Exdeath, who is once again a tree. The cut him down using a chainsaw. Exdeath the fuses with Void to become Neo-Exdeath: a combination of Joan Rivers, the villan from Waterworld, Walt Disney, Michael Jackson, and Herby the Love Bug. Bartz sets Neo-Exdeath on fire, the game is over, yay.
Final Fantasy V allows you to finally get a job; a virtual one, true, but at least it's a step in the right direction.
- Kanigget- Stabs people for a living. This is one of the most fulfilling jobs available. Abuses steroids and wields giant ass swords (giant ass-swords?).
- Monk- Allows you to live in utter isolation with dozens of underage, orphan boys. Despite taking a vow of peace, the monk reserves the right to kill the shit out of you 7 times before you actually die if you piss him off.
- Thief- IT'S TREASURE HUNTER, DAMMIT! Lurks around the battlefield waiting for everyone else to finish fighting before they steal all of the treasure and run off ( see Ninjas in World of Warcraft).
- White Mage- A white person who can use magic.
- Black Mage- An African American who can use magic.
- Red Mage- A Native American/pimp who can use magic. He can also use swords. overpowered much?
- Blue Mage- A Martian who can use magic.
- Time Mage- Uses Hammer Time to destroy foes.
- Summoner- Summons grue.
- Ninja- Uses wailing electric guitar to stun foes before FLIPPING OUT. Throws anything available which automatically impales the target. Never fight a ninja in a mall.
- Dancer- Leaves blood on the dance floor...his own after the truckers beat him, but still.
- Bard- Allows you to be spoony! HA HA HA HA HA HA--is a hippie.
- Dragoon- Allows you to become an 18th century French cavalryman. Jumps on foes, pins them down, and goes to town!
- Geomancer- Uses the power of feng shui and leylines to give you a FABULOUS living room layout. Comes with a free pair of pjyamas.
- Ranger- Allows you to be a Merry Man reject, not Aragorn. Sorry.
- Beastmaster- Kind of like the 80's film except with more whips and bondage.
- Mystic Kanigget- Stab people with MAGIC swords. Except you can't use Excalibur and Ragnarok, so what is the POINT? HA HA HA HA HA HA--is an arab.
- Samurai- Allows you to speak out of sync with the game's English dub and look menacing AT THE SAME TIME.
- Berserker- Smoke pot and kill everyone in sight; it basically combines the best of both worlds of the Vietnam era.
- Chemist- Work for a leading pharmaceutical company and experiment on the Beastmaster's animals.
- Mime- Useless class, as you'll never be able to escape from that invisible box.
- Cannoneer- Everyone says they're pirates, but those of us in the know will realize they are simply French. That's like the complete opposite on the cool spectrum.
- Oracle- Charge $1.99 a minute for vague predictions of the future. While you'll have to pretend you're a Jamaican shaman, you can in fact be from anywhere between California and Siberia as long as you can do the accent correctly.
- Gladiator- MAXIMUS! MAXIMUS! MAXIMUS! MAXIMUS! MAXIMUS! MAXIMUS! MAXIMUS! etc.
- Necrophiliac- Self-explanatory. The most fulfilling job.
Unfortunately, as is often the case when localizing Japanese games for the American market, certain features were changed or cut out to make it more acceptable to American audiences. Examples include:
- A scene was also cut from the American version where Gilgamesh, at Exdeath's command, leads an early morning airship attack on Karnak's ship yards, killing thousands and crippling the entire Karnak fleet. This was clearly a reference to the bombing of Pearl Harbor and was understandably removed from the American version.
- In the original Super Famicom version, Gilgamesh's theme was actually Pat Benatar's Heartbreaker. However, Squaresoft refused to pay Pat Benatar any royalties on the grounds that Japan doesn't have copyright laws. Pat Benatar's lawyers disagreed and the resulting lawsuit ensured that none of the later versions, nor the American localizations, would have Heartbreaker.
Same as the above, but for the GBA and with 4 new job classes. The Gladiator, who gets to blitz people in a football style fashion and wields giant ass swords. The Oracle, who predicts the end of the battle and causes the enemy to explode from sheer confusion. The Cannoneer, who is responsible for operating the gun atop the getaway vehicle (Boco). And the Necropheliac, self explanatory. There was also a PlayStationversion, but it was sub par.
TIDUS IS JUST YUNA'S IMAGINARY BOYFRIEND