Finland
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| Motto: "Lai Lai Hei" (Latin:"cave | |||||
| Anthem: The Nokia Tune, Victory Song (sometimes Monty Python's Finland, Finland, Finland is used) | |||||
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| Capital | Hell's sink (even years) and Schmerzburg (odd years) | ||||
| Previous capital | Turku | ||||
| Largest city | Hell's sink | ||||
| Official languages | Finnish, Klingon, Lamppostanese, Undecipherable with lots of unpronounceable vowels, swearing | ||||
| Government | Bureaucratic Democratorship | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Urho Kekkonen Jussi Halla-aho | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | previous ice age | ||||
| Currency | penguins | ||||
| Religion | santaclauseism | ||||
| Population | 27.333 | ||||
| Area | The size of an asteroid the size of Texas | ||||
| Population density | -3198237139999 | ||||
| Ethnic groups | Nerds named Jari 1.0% Dudesons (a clan of the Finnish Highlanders) 3% Lordi's (homogenous Finnish tribe) 1% Violent Offenders 24.4 % Politicians 1.8 % Otakus 23.23 % Kings 0.001 % Blank 36.3 % Vice people 100.00 % Level P12+ Telepaths 25% | ||||
| Major exports |  | ||||
| Major imports | Exported Finnish Vodka, Russian wives, Beer, Used German Cars, Vodka leftovers put together | ||||
“ Just take whatever you want, but please don't hurt us!”
~ Russia on Finland.
“ What the hell is a finlaAAAND!!!”
~ Mirsub Ali ( confused Pakistani ) on Finland.
“ HELLO SWEDEN!”
~ Rockstars during their show in Helsinki
“ FINLAND!”
~ Patrick Star after getting hit on the head with two bowling balls.
“ SNOW? SNOW! SNOW.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Finland.
“Ugh...”
~ Finland on itself
“Aw man!”
~ Oscar Wilde after hearing the snow is actually frozen pee.
 Finnish Stuff |
Finland, frequently but generally erroneously confused with The Democratic Republic of Congo, is a land of many names, but only one weird and traumatizing coat of arms. For many experts in the field of "re-naming places with perfectly good names by giving them much longer and more complicated names that no one understands," Finland is also known as The Republic of pigs who stab themselves in the head with knives, The Testes of Europe, or the Fish Arm Land, though it is better known as the home of Linus Torvalds. Aside from having an increasingly growing list of names, Finland also happens to be a rather large country in the North of the even larger country of Europe. Some pro-Finland activists claim that Finland is indeed the entirety of Europe, that the common conception of Europe is a lie concocted by the Soviet Union. However, they also claim that they come from the future, a future where Finland is also the entirety of Europe. Unfortunately, this is the past of their present and our present of their past, so if that makes any sense to them then perhaps they really ARE from the future. On an unrelated note, Finland is also known as ' the land of the thousand ex-beauty queens and ex-athletes in the government '. All European countries have adopted their culture from Finland, for example its language, which everyone speaks. Pre-historic Finnish food is widely acclaimed and its chefs renowned for their ability to take all kinds of apparently edible substances and make them look like excrement. For example, the Easter food Mämmi resembles diarrhea and a couple of big but nasty tits, Salmiakki looks like goat pellets and "mustamakkara" looks like a big turd. Not to mention maksalaatikko. Nowadays, however, the true traditional foods of Finland are kebabs and pizza.
Because Finland is colder than a polar bear's funhole, the Finns decided to invent the sauna, their sole contribution to human life to date (except of course, Nordic Walking and the totally useless Nokia). Some like to say that the Sauna really comes from the Russians, but don't be silly: everyone knows the only thing the Russians ever came up with is the AK-47. Bob Dole. Since Finland is uninhabitable during the winter and inhospitable during the summer, the Finns had to come up with a property of character, sisu, meaning an advanced form of self-deceit.
A popular Finnish proverb is: perkele vittu ruotsalaiset saatana!!!!!! Roughly translated, this means Your mother is a whore.
Contents |
[edit] History
[edit] Pre-Conanian era of Finland
This history is not entirely correct, please do not use this information. Thank You.
First evidence of Finnish settlement in Finland was found 90210 B.C., when an archeologist found a pile of Swedish gay bones in a cave near today's city of Porvoo. These shattered bones were first thought to be remnants of an ancient telemarketer, but it was later genetically proven that they were from a new subspecies of Homo Giantus Erectionus, namely from Homo Finno-Ugritus. Its geographical location is very fitting as it is the shape of a scrotum and it pairs nicely with its partner Sweden (Europe's penis).
[edit] Later History
In the beginning, there was only one country, GERMANY. However, the Germans were not very nice, and did bad things like the holocaust, bomb Pearl Harbor, 9/11, and always left one piece of bread in the package. The fiends! Therefore, a group of super-powered rebels, under F.I.N.L.A.N.D (Fucking Insane Nigga Liberating Nazi Dictators), broke free from the horrible tyranny of the Germans. Eventually, they were able to free their followers, the Native Americans (not the actual Native Americans from India, but the misnamed ones from the America), and sent them far away to the land of America. Here, they would be safe, at least until the damn Brits came [aw ruck] , and porked them over big time. This gave them the ability to barbecue.
Meanwhile, the F.I.N.L.A.N.D. continued their battles in GERMANY (they fought in France and always won, no one liked the French, even the French), eventually liberating people, and when their work was done, and the Germans were thoroughly disgraced, they founded FINLAND. Since Finland was founded by people with superpowers, it is a glorious nation, where everyone can melt people's pants, with their minds! They later developed the ability to eat cows whole in one bite, and drain casks of shnaps in one gulp. As you do.
[edit] Continuation War
This was the war following the Winter War where the Finns actually whooped some major Russian ass all by themselves. After scaring Russia into signing a peace treaty - in the style of Tina Turner - they decided to ask Germany for some help in getting back some land that they had previously lost. The Germans were all too eager and decided to help, not knowing what those crazy Finns had in store for them. After retaking the land they lost it again. They decided that war was fun and started taking some of the motherland for themselves. This pissed Stalin off pretty bad so he went crying to the Brits telling them how the Finns were taking his land and he wanted it back. The Brits sighed and then declared war on Finland but were to scared to actually do anything. Stalin was really getting pissed now and launched a huge attack and actually caused the Finns to stop advancing for a while. Now the Finns were getting tired and hungry so they signed a new peace treaty with Russia in which they agreed that Russia would stop attacking them if they gave up their land and sent the Germans packing home. Apparently the Finnish though fighting Germans would be easier than fighting Russians (they were right) and killed about twice as many Germans than Germans killed them and even got more POW s than Germany got which was just another thing for them to rub in everyones face. In the end Finland was the only European country bordering Russia that wasn't actually forced to join the Eastern Bloc and that just adds to the awesome might of the Grand Duchy of Finland, however once you learn their ancestors were Vikings you can see why they fought everyone and won simultaneously.
[edit] Military
[edit] Common military tactics
This was shown when the Turks besieged Helsinki in 1453. At that time, Helsinki's population was an incredible 500 people. The Turks had an army consisting of 14.3 billion soldiers. No problem. The Finns saw the Turks freezing their balls off outside the city walls, and decided that this was the perfect time to exploit them. They distributed blankets infected with Bird Flu. Within a matter of days, the entire Turkish army was destroyed. This military tactic is known as "Kil the enemi vhit Biolotsikal Vaarfeer". When the Finns' enemies finally figured out that the blankets were made in Vietnam, they stopped accepting them. The Finns had to find another tactic. Unfortunately, they're not exactly military geniuses, so it took them until the 1920s to figure something out: "Finland-style Gorilla Warfare". Bob Dole. This tactic is employed by placing Finnish soldiers on cross-country skis [clever assholes]. You go hide in the woods (you can even make a machine gun pillbox cleverly disguised as a Sauna), and mow down the Russian Army with Machine Gun fire and Frozen Reindeer steaks. When completed, you take the Panzers that Nazi Germany gave you for Christmas, and you run down the helpless, routing Russians. However, section 755a.69 of the "Finnish Soldier's guide to Warfare" clearly states that once you are finished fighting Russians, you must promptly empty numerous bottles of spirits. If this instruction had not been included in the 5000-page guide, we'd all be subjects of the Finnish Emperor today.
It has been revealed, however, that the Finns are attempting to rebuild Leonardo's death machine which is a huge ass robot that only the Finns know about. Unfortunately, only the big toe has been completed, and takes up half of their country.It'll also include a new kernel, version 2.6.19.2 which fixes page_mkclean_one(): virtual caches.
In the summertime the Finnish Air Force is supported by hordes of hungry mosquitos that suck all blood out of the enemy. At winter they use their two stukas, one stolen tri-plane and the only flying penquin in the world, R0kk4. The Finnish Air Force is known to employ any airplanes declared obsolete or too dangerous to fly and force conscripts to fly them.
[edit] Armorment and Technology
Finnish isn't a language, it's just an excuse for not spelling correctly. The Finnish army is based on masturbation. It means that if you are a boy, when you hit twenty you are forced to rub it or either be humiliated and ostracised for life, or go to prison. No salary or other compensation, except standard prison allowance, is paid during the service, and many career criminals consider the joint to be a far more comfortable place to spend your youth than the Finnish Army. The most talented and toughest of the youth may get promoted to various NCO ranks and have a chance to harass and bully the younger conscripts at will.
The Finnish armed forces are equipped with state of the art weaponry and technology. The blueprints and diagrams are provided by the Discovery Channel. Every Monday, the highest authority sits down and watches FutureWeapons. Then, on Tuesday, the little hamsters at the lab get the plans, and by Wednesday, the new tech is pumped out. For more info see Your Mom. Since most conscripts are somewhat more technologically adept than the lifers, they usually take their electronic gadgets with them to the army, where they can be easily kludged into IEDs and remote controlled mines, well suited for the Finnish Army's never fight fair tactics.
[edit] Language
Finland is believed to have a language, but observations of Finns in their natural habitat reveal their language to be no more than a series of nods and grunts. SMS's are the main method of communication, with the dullest ones publicised on the local National Enquirer 'Hymy-IL' or compiled in a book. Then they are voted on (via mobile phone), which serves as the judicial system in the country.
However, there is an other language and population in Finland. It is called Finland Swedish and it's a clear minority in this country. Therefore this small group is abused, stabbed, used for rapes & gross sex and of course, gay- & "hurrit"declared. Probably the Finns are a bit jealous of them...
- (See Language of Finland)
It is a little known fact that Finland exports vowels to Poland, but looking at the currant affairs, it seems the trade dissolved in around the thirteenth century after a dispute between two village woman over a group of chickens. United Kingdom has yet to offer coherancy to either nation, and pronunciation is still desperately sought after.
Looking at the Finnish language, one can clearly note that the Finns almost entirely have double vision.
[edit] Famous Finnish words and phrases
- Kalsarikänni = getting drunk in your long johns alone
- Jari Sillanpää = sexually focused on his own sex
- Nokia = telephone company
- koira = Dog
- Linus Torvalds = almighty/genius
- Finnish sauna = at least 100% hotter than its Swedish counterpart
- paska = shit
- perkele = expression of joy ( the great grandfather of satan)
- jumalauta = goddamn
- avantouinti = swimming in a fucking cold water after being in a fucking hot sauna
- Conan o'Brien = Only foreign person in the world who knows something about Finland, maybe gay maybe not
- Nightwish = symphonic/power/opera metal, bitch
- haista vittu = fuck you
- hääyöaie = intentions for the wedding night
- Peruna = Potato
- George Dubya = Retard
- haluatko mulkkua? = Do you want cock?* (prob. you won't get it, sorry, go to sweden if you want)
- päivää: hello
- Haista vittu: fuck off
Curious phrases:
- Kärpänen tapettiin tapettiin, tapettiin jäi märkä läntti. = About a squished fly.
- Älä rääkkää kääkkää! - Emmä rääkkääkkää. = Don't pester the old man! - I'm not.
- Kokoa kokoon koko kokko. Koko kokkoko? -Koko kokko = Make up the whole bonfire. The whole bonfire? -The whole bonfire
- "Ärrän" kierrän orren ympäri, "ässän" pistän taskuuni. = I´ll wrap "R" around the rafter and put "S" into my pocket.
- Voita voita sillä voita ei mikään voita. = Win butter because nothing wins butter.
- Johanna Tukiainen. = Finnish whore
- Persereikä = A-hole
- Kyrpä = Cock
- Hinuri = Faget
- Steve Colbert = An awesome person who was most definity here
- Ruotsi = Gay
- kikkeli = willy
[edit] Politics
Finland has no political influence to speak of, but if you insist, we'll speak of it anyway: The president looks like Conan o'Brien
[edit] Finnish Kings and Queens
[edit] Urho I the Terrible (1952-1980)
King Urho I reigned in the years 1952-1980 and was considered the most ruthless of all Finnish kings, only one of ancient kings during the Old Kindom (1200 AD- c.1450 AD) - Sepalus II - was in match with him. Urho I assumed power in a bloodless palace coup, in which the previous King Juho II was arrested and Urho took control of the country. First years of his reign was quite peaceful, but situation changed dramatically after the so-called "Parliamentary Plot" in which a group of dissatified army officers, supported by the Swedish secret police SäPo, planned to blow off the palace building. However, the Finnish secret police SuPo found out about these plans and the plotters were arrested, tried and later executed. Shortly after the plot (1955) there were famous "The Great Fire of Helsinki", a major fire which destroyed almost half of the town and left a couple of hundred thousand people homeless. Shortly after the fire the rumous started to circulate that Urho I himself was responsible for the catastrophe. It was well known that his Royal Architect Alvar "Speer" Aalto was planning a new palace complex to be built in the central Helsinki and Urho I was very enthusiastic about the plan. This new palace was intended to be greater than Louvre and Versailles together consisting of 5000 rooms. The building of the palace began immediately and those people left homeless were used as labour force. After the palace was ready, there were reports all around the country that a sign "666" has been seen in the sky, but these reports were not confirmed. The secret police tightened its control over the country and tens thousands of people were arrested and sent to camps in the Northern Finland, where the conditions were so horrible (temperatures falling under -70¨C )that nobody came back.Urho once commented this saying that: "if the food is going off it has to be freezed". Bob Dole. Logic in this statement is that there is no logic, but that was normal at the time and in Finnish political life in general. He also gave a decree which banned radiostations playing any music by the Beatles. "No more this fuckin' nigger Jazz", he reportedly said when heard the Beatles one morning in hangover.
[edit] Manu I the Simple
The reign of Manu I was peaceful, nothing happened. An honorary knighthood was bestowed by Queen Elizabeth (6th of Scotland, last of England.) She whacked each shoulder with a sword and proclaimed: "There you go, Manu knighted."
[edit] Tarja II the Virgin Queen
Despite her name she was sexually active in her youth, but later on, she preferred to be called herself as "Virgin Queen". Her reign is considered to be the most peaceful of all Finnish rulers, perhaps except the Manu I. Only one thing during her rule, that aroused questions, was the assassination of her husband P.A. This took place during the Independence Festivities in 2007. He was found dead in a one of the WCs of the Royal Palace and an initial investigation found that he was poisoned with Koskenkorva. Police made some enquiries but couldn't find any suspects and the investiqation was later shelved. It was strongly believed that Tarja had lived under the first letter "N" in "FINLAND" in the world map.
She is unique in that she only won because the Finns thought they were electing Tarja "Tarja" Turunen. Unsurprisingly, approval ratings nose dived after the Virgin Queen's first public appearance.
[edit] Paavo IV the POPE (2008-2022)
The life of King Paavo IV is full of mysteries and even today there are doubts that he even existed. Countless theories have been put forward to explain his multitude of appearances and opinions that changes almost on a daily basis. However, nowadays it is well established that Paavo Nickelsucker was born in the little village of JuntinPuntti in eastern Finland. His first name Paavo was a Finnish adaptation of the title "Pope" and his last name was originally a nickname of his father, who earned the name during the Great Nordic Salt-Licorice War.
[edit] Assassination
The assassination of Paavo IV took place in the city of Tampere during the King's annual inspection tour, as he was driven in a convertible through the city. The assassin was hiding in a vodka warehouse, and he had a .303 Vickers machine gun with him. The firing started shortly after the King's car reached the front of the building, and lasted about ten minutes. It was later estimated that the shooter fired as many as 6,900 bullets at the King's car.
The assassin was later captured, but he was mistakenly freed as a result of procedural errors and was never seen again. Almost instantly conspiracy theories began to circulate, and still today there is much debate about the so-called "magic bullet", a bullet found embedded in a wall about 50m away from the murder scene. The Chief Constable of the Police said that it was ballistically impossible that the bullet could be there.
- (See Politics of Finland)
[edit] Olympics
[edit] Total Domination
In the winter Olympics, the Finnish people crawl out of their Igloos and resume their plans of world domination through the total sweep in the winter Olympics.
All Finnish boys, like the brutal Spartans, are sent to train in winter sports at the age of 7 for a gruelling 30 years of training, ranging from:
- Bobsledding
- Skiing
- Cold
- The wonderful art of stabbing people with a ski pole
- Snowboarding(Thank god for Shaun White)
- Voodoo
- Shooting .22 Caliber rifles for the Biathalon
- Plotting the destruction of Scientology
- Being Finnish
- Moose (hirve in Finnish) pussy licking
[edit] Wins
- 1956(First ever win.)
- Every Winter Olympic there after.
[edit] Economy
The Finnish economy is run using a brilliant technique known as guerilla marketing. This involves making a highly popular and oft used technology, but convincing the whole world you had nothing to do with making it and that it's really from some Asian country people have actually heard of. The best known example of this would be Japans mobile phone manufacturer Nokia, run from a sweat-shop in Kilon poliisi, Espoo (a famous Finnish city, pronounced "ass-poo"). A sweat shop is not considered bad in any way in Finland, as sweating in saunas is extremely popular. The second most important trade good is alcohol. Although there are numerous distilleries in Finland producing actual alcohol, the Finns have found that they can sell more by first exporting it, and then having the end users import it back themselves, from Estonia on a daily basis. The Finnish liquor fleet consists of dozens of huge white ships sailing non-stop between Estonia and Finland, full of eager citizens willing to help their country refill its stocks of booze, although most of it is consumed during the trip.
Historically, most of the export revenues have come from selling captured and tamed Father Christmases. Arctic Lapland region is exceptionally well suited for herding these dangerous beasts. However, companies such as Rare Exports Inc. are constantly complaining about rising wage costs and are moving operations abroad to countries such as Brasil and China. The Union of Father Christmas Hunters claims that this is only social dumping, and companies abroad are not paying proper attention to the safety of hunters. It is also claimed that although Father Christmases reach adulthood in warmerer climates in a fraction of the time compared to Finland, the quality of the end product cannot be compared to original Father Christmases grown in the extreme coldness of the Finnish winter.
Recently Finland has also begun to export excess vowels to Poland, which is currently suffering a severe shortage due to their undersupply of vowels and resulting oversupply of consonants.
Great expectations are focused towards Finnish company Biolan, which has for years tried to develop a neural net based organic network solution for data transfer rates superior to even optic fiber, although so far a breakthrough is not in sight. Biolan's plan is to grow the biological network inside underground tubes, so that it is no longer necessary to put cables into the tubes.
A majority of the Finnish population income is derived from Nokia stock purchased in the 1950ies.
The currency of Finland is Säkkiwulesi and flying squirrel skins. In fact, the Finnish word "raha" for "money" means "squirrel skin", although this is unsuitable for an encyclopedia, since it's an actual fact.
Despite the great success of the export products, in Finland you won't get rich though you may die trying. The taxes are so high that Zeus himself had to flip a coin to make a choice between them and Mount Olympos when settling down.
[edit] The Finns
There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING that the Finns can't do. Except be Brian Blessed.
Not much is known about this mysterious nation of extraterrestrials, but it is the educated opinion that they are mostly 1.9m in height, with blond hair, a heavy appettite for alcohol, and very poor ability to hold it. Thus 90% of Finland's population have made a career as Counterstrike playahs, [[CS]|Counterstrike]] (known also as kheeäs or kyntteri) being the most played online computer game in the whole world. Finland's population seemingly consists mostly of 12 -year-old teenager cs players who swear a lot and make strange noises when they lose a match. Thus, it is confirmed, that about 80% of the population appears to be 12 -year-olds, which makes the calculated mean age of an average finnish person 17,6 years.
Because of the dark and depressing Finnish winter, Finns completely lose their minds when summer finally arrives and temperature rises above +2 degrees Celcius in mid-July. It's the time when Polar Bears migrate back to the Polar Circle for a week or two and people can finally leave the safety of their igloos which don't have enough time to melt before next winter (Finnish igloos are made of solid nitrogen). Summer is then celebrated by heavy drinking and ceremonial drowning in the nearest lake.
When summer is over after a week or two the Finns migrate south to Estonia for a whole day and return with their little trollies filled with Viru Valge or, even better, with Viru Valge Vägev. The lucky ones come back with just an itch on their scrotum. Then they lock themselves indoors and drink vodka all day. If they run out of vodka they might migrate south for another day. Winter time is tolerated by being heavily intoxicated.
Polar bears are a common sight. They live among the people and the Penguins and at times mutilate random pedestrians just for the heck of it, as well as being responsible for public sanitation and child welfare. In fact, polar bears are the real supreme leaders of the country. They just let those pitiful humans go on about their business because they couldn't give a damn.
Also, every single Finn is a drunkard. They begin drinking in the morning and stop only when they pass out. Some do keep on going after passing out with the aid of a close friend or the hospital staff, whoever comes to the aid first.
Speaking about drinking - the most famous and commonly used toast in Finnish is "Kippis"; which has to be followed by the sentence "Vodka is good, but it's tooooooo expensive!!!". It's probably this endearingly thrifty drunkenness which has led to the widespread adoption of petrol as a national drink. With the advent of unleaded petrol, educational standards have recently improved. 90% also run on excessive amounts of caffeine.
All Finns carry a knife. Every single one of them. Even that little 5-year-old girl behind you.
The Finnish knife, puukko, is a simple but an extremely nasty edged weapon forged from fine carbon steel. It has been designed to slide ergonomically between the bones of the human ribcage. There has been a disturbing development which has seen lesser quality Swedish-made Mora knives becoming popular among heavy users because of their economical price. Victims invariably frown at being stabbed with a Mora knife, which can be clearly observed from their facial expressions as they lie dying in a growing pool of blood. Finnish children get their first puukko at the age they learn to walk. Also here those spoil-sport Swedes have made inroads with their Libero Up&Go knives, which are available in various sizes fitting children from 10 to 26kg. Puukko is the only civilian item (besides eyeglasses) which can be worn by conscripts while in uniform. Puukko is also the object in the traditional teenagers' sports, puukkohippa. Realizing that carrying knives has no place in modern society, the Finnish authorities have resolved to eradicate the archaic custom by educating school-goers. That these efforts are bearing fruit is corroborated by two separate incidents, in 2007 and 2008, in which a student shot at fellow students and school staff with a handgun, with scores of killed and wounded.
Most Finns die in alcohol-related accidents. The most common being drowning because they fall off a boat while drunkenly trying to pee over the side. Because of this, public safety campaigns often instruct boaters, regardless of their state of intoxication, to keep their flies opened so as not to upset statistics. The number two cause of death is being stabbed by drunken former ski jumpers after beating them in the traditional game of finger wrestling.
- Finnish people are intoxicated when they're not drunk.
- Finnish people are born with alcohol in their blood.
[edit] Animals
Even though the average foreigner believes that Polar Bears inhabit and terrorize Finland they are wrong. This is only happening in Porvoo, which still lives in Ice Age. Actually, this is a plague of Norway, where 3000 people are killed yearly by monster attacks. The only safe animal in Finland is The Killer Rabbit.
In the time when fish ate lions, Finland had only one animal. It was a cat. There is scientific evidence that over thousands of years, this cat gave birth to Hitler. This is why Hitler had such a terrifying mustache which felt like whiskers.
Animals of Finland
- Moomins
- Suicidal Horny Moose
- Evil Reindeers
- Polar bears
- Blood hungry flying squirrels
- Retards
- Lordi
- Horny Manatee
- Troll ( Same famous trolls in Finland. Hugo The Troll and Finntroll )
- The Killer Rabbit
- Makkara
- The Black Beast of AAAAAAAAAAAAAARG
- Antti Tuisku
- Hanna Pakarinen
- Jussi Selo
- Jussi Soro
- Penguins
- The Dudesons
- Hitler Cat
- Some swedish immigrants
- Rölli
- Ents
- Snowmen
[edit] Culture
The Finnish National instrument is the Kantele(Kain-tee-lee) This instrument was created during the first war against the Germans to bore invading soldiers to sleep. Many poor finns play to Kantele on the street to raise money for their families. The many street goers of Finland collapse as they hear the deathly boring sound of the Kantele, giving the musician the chance to loot their unconscious body. :(See Culture of Finland)
vommat.
[edit] Things to do in Finland
See: List of things to do in Finland While in Finland,one can enjoy such activities as drinking,avoiding polar bears and skiing.
[edit] Myths
- The well known communist singer Linux Torvalds is often said to be from Finland. He is actually from Soviet Union.
- Turku is the original capital of Finland. Capital was changed to Helsinki so that it would
closer to Russia. This is in fact true.
- The name of the Finnish city Espoo was derived from the word lesbo. This is in fact true.
- in the finnish mythology elves are mystical creatures who steal your beer and eat your children if you leave either of them ungarded.
- Finns believe, that Uusis is father of God and all Universum.
- It is often thought that polar bears and wolves can be seen in Helsinki(also known as helvetinkinkku [Hellham]), the former capital of Finland. This has not been the case for over a hundred years since nowadays all dangerous animals are transported to Dragsvik for waste control.
- It is rumoured that there once was a village named Porvoo right next to Helsinki. Today no one remembers it.
- There is a rumor that one of the original seven Finnish tribes wandered to north and built the city of Oulu. This is considered to be false information and it's only used nowadays to scare children.
- It is also rumored that Donald Duck was banned in Finland because he wore no pants at a Finnish Library, which led to a burning of anything with Donald Duck on it!
- Many people believe that Finland still exists when in fact it was destroyed by the Middle Eastern Song Contest in 2003
- Finland is commonly believed to have land-mass, when it is in fact just a website.
- "AE" is a common Finnish letter. Contrary to popular belief, it should not be reduced to an "ä", as this causes both confusion and ridicule. Your guideline should be "Matti Nuekaenen is from Juevaeskuelae"
- Some people think that Finns are originally from Ural but that is just another typo. Finns are known to be originally from Urinal.
- Finland has no forests. It's actually a desert.
- If you ever even see the word 'Sipoo' (Sipoo is Finnish and means about the same as 'warning!') turn back as fast as you can. Sipoo is actually only a big old forest, full of scary, freaky woodfolk who do whatever it takes to figure out the ultimate question, the meaning of life. They just can't believe the simple answer 42. Some of the folk in Sipoo think that life is only a black, white and red party, and then we all die.
- Lately the Sipoo problem has been dealt with using Borg tactics, assimilated for expansion needs of the drones in Hells Sink. Resistance was futile. The woodfolk now answer to unimatrix one.
- Some believe that Helsinki is the capital of Finland, but it's actually just a big pile of garbage and smelly stuff near the forgotten Porvoo. True capital of Finland is Hauho, which you can find in the middle of nowhere, and wayyy tooo near agaist Russia.
- The big tower called Näsinneula in a Finnish town called Tampere is believed to have been built to be a sight-seeing tower. Näsinneula was originally an ion-cannon that Finland secretly used during the very last years of the cold war. Today it is something else.
- Their allegedly neighboring country of Sweden was previously a province of Finland under the name Svedängen. The finns persist that Sweden remains an insignificant region of Espoo and that Norway is spelled U.S.A.. Svedängen's only use was being a place for driving pulkka, but became a financial burial ground since the dawn of Ericsson.
- Finland's National PastTime is not 'strengthening it's borders against the Russians'.
- Finland took a surprisingly active role in the cold war by... wait...
- Finnish people used to be well-known for running fast and long distances. This helped them when their pussy military tactics failed.
- According to Conservapedia, Finland contains no people at all, only ducks.
- It is assumed by many that the Scientists responsible for the Lol theory came from Finland, but this is not true. Most did come from Finland, but not all. Oscar Wilde, the Fantastic Four and Arnold Schwarzenegger are not Finnish. Well, we don't think so anyway.
[edit] Finnish sense of humour
Finns are well known for their complete misunderstanding of irony. As they are aware of their intellectual deficit, they may overcompensate by taking any statement as some form of sarcasm. This has had some unintended consequences, such as when the Swedes said: "Hey Finns, we are going to rule you for a couple of centuries" to which the Finns replied: "Don't forget to build a couple of castles while you're at it."
On the other hand, the Finns have a very developed sense of Schadenfreude. They are very keen to laugh at someone's misfortune, and never stop enjoying bad things happening to innocent bystanders.
Finns are easy to read when it comes to situations where you need to know whether or not they got a joke: they usually have a serious, even depressed look, but if they think you might have said something funny they laugh loudly which lasts about 10 minutes and after that they hug and kiss you for making them happy (but don't start to feel any better about yourself, since they're contemplating suicide again in another 10 minutes). When they themselves tell a "joke" they laugh so hard you cannot hear what they are actually trying to say. These awkward situations are so unnatural (yet very common) that it scares both you and the Finns themselves.
Finns laugh rarely. If you want to make friends with a Finn, make him laugh. But make no mistake, it's going to be hard, very hard. Try hitting an innocent bystander with axe on the knee. As demonstrated earlier, Finns find it amusing. That's a good start.
The Finnish sense of humour is deeply appreciated by Björk. As a result, subtitled Finnish stand-up comedy has become a hot trend in Tokyo.
A qualitative representation of the Finnish sense of humour are Uncyclopedia articles written by Finns. A case in point is that you haven't even faintly smiled while reading this article.
[edit] Religion
Attempts to impose Christianity on Finns failed miserably. Finns worship ancient pagan Gods like Väinämöinen, Gandalf, Juhan af Grann and Harry Potter. Especially Swedes consider Finns as "strange witch-people of the North" and live in terrible fear of them. The Finns later figured out Christianity wasn't such a bad idea after all as Jesus could turn water into wine just like that, and they then syncretized their pagan deities with the Christian religion, combining the Pagan violence and sexual morals with the Christian concept of only one single cosmic bully and do the other guy first before he does you. Finnish Bible is called the "Kalevala". It´s an intriguing historical story of the ancient semi-gods from Andromeda Galaxy who setteled in Finland and formed back then the political systems existing nowadays in Finland. Their leader "Väinämöinen" is widely worshipped today in entire country by drinking Kossu, the holy spirit of Finland (but he still can't get laid!). File:Juhan af Grann.PNG Finland has a state church and 99% of the population are extremely religious. This is probably because after a normal drinking night they experience the "Finnish Hang-Over" which is about 150 times worse than a normal hang-over. When experiencing a hang-over this extreme people tend to look for salvation and that is what religion provides them. This also means that their religious devotion is always under constant change but luckily the need for salvation when experiencing hang-over is so profound that the people tend to donate large sums of the local currency "säkkiwulesi" to the church. Religious donations form about 35% of all monetary traffic in Finland. Veli Saari-Kalle, also known as the first man to play Game Gear in Finland, is the foremost religious leader in Finland and everyone believes that he has descended straight from God.
This is shit stepped up to challenge the old ways. His name is Markku Uusipaavalniemi. It is rumoured that there several sites of worship have been risen for Markku Uusipaavalniemi. He is also known as "Uusis" by his followers. It is expected that Veli Saari-Kalle will face strong opposition this spring from the followers of Uusis. Great wars are bound to brake out. We also shouldn't forget The Great Leader Kim Jong Il which has allied with Conan O'brien and has made some nasty pictures of "Uusis" taking a bath...
Some Pasta movements is reported lately. But the most fearsome religion has been found from all across Finland with terrible growth to hole Europe (Germany is allredy fallen to this religion and as the center of Europe the other countries WILL FALL)wich is called as the Loordism. It is actually been for eons alredy but it has gotten more powerful after their Messiah used mind weapon called Eurovizio`nz to become the president of Finland and take over the world.You may survive if you learn to use lesser mind wepons called Musiikki-instrumentit.In best possible scenario you might become an archdemon.
[edit] See also
- Finland (Facts)
- Finnish creationism
- Children of Boredom
- Wife carrying
- Norse
- New Finland
- Lithuania
- Sweden
- Estonia
- Nightwish
- Suicide
- Oulu
- Petsmo
- turku
- Ylivieska
- Kummeli
- Page that is completely unrelated to Finland
- Central Asia
- Humppa
- Awesome
- Finnish Profanity
- Nelson Piquet
- Fi:President of Finland
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