Fire Vs. Water

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“Fire must win!”

~ Loogan Herr on Fire Vs. Water

“FUCK YOU!!! Water will WIN”

~ Some Drunk water fan on Water PwNzing fire

Fire Vs. Water refers to one of two things: A, the meeting of polar opposites Fire and Water, or B, the infamous lawsuit where water sued fire for rape, robbery, assault, battery, extortion, embezzlement and "he stuck a burning pencil in my ass!" charges.


The relationship between these two arch-nemeses has existed since the beginning of time the dreaded day 3.5 billion years ago that fire decided to mug water for all he was worth (which was a lot). Water got pissy and sued Fire. The subsequent trial lasted for approximately 3.46 billion years before both the plaintiff and defendant realized that the judge, jury, and witnesses, which were nothing but bacteria and algae, had died of boredom a really long time ago. Fire, realizing he didn't have to pay losses, celebrated by raping water several times consecutively. The conflict still continues today.


The Fire Vs. Water theorem is a fact based on one of the few logical facts anybody actually knows any more, and that is that you cannot light a fire under water. You also "cannot light water on fire", but this is a nonsense statement, considering that technically you would be putting fire on the water, thus lighting the fire on water. Trust me, there are a lot of things you're better off learning about, so don't even try. Seriously. Don't even think about it. DO YOU WANT TO CAUSE A PARADOX AND DESTROY THE WHOLE UNIVERSE?...That's right. You even breathe, and I will light you on fire. Do you get that?


A mentally challenged artist's confusing rendition of the mixture of fire and water.
Main article: alcohol

Fire-water is the biggest known non-existent creation on God's list of things not to create...Although, his drunk elf minions mixed up this list, resulting in many creations that should not have been made in the first place. Anyway, Firewater, not to be confused with vodka, is, well, self-explanatory. The existence of firewater is, of course, not physically possible in this dimension, because of many different reasons. The first reason is the temperature. Let's see, water is between 33 and 211 degrees Fahrenheit, and fire is at least 451 degrees. Do the math. Second: Matter. Water is a liquid. It is everywhere on the Earth, and 95% of it is free. Fire is comprised of gas, energy, and plasma. Thus, it costs $5 for a gallon of fire, which is bullshit, especially considering water is everywhere on Earth and almost nowhere off of it excluding Uranus, and fire is everywhere, but very rare on earth itself. Third, and biggest of all, they hate each other. Water is the bastard who exists in about .0000000000001% of the known universe. Fire is everywhere. Face it. Fire mugged, gang raped, and left water for dead. There is no way either of the two could ever have a reaction without one of them dying.

Epic Battles and Struggles to Coexist[edit]

This also makes little sense, as humans are 70% water. However, the 30% that isn't...well, lets just say it would suck to be him.

Since water and fire was created a long time ago by the Big Bang Jesus whatever deity you believe in (Because your religion is right and all others are wrong), the battle of fire and water has been a long and hard one.

Fighting Fire with Water[edit]

The most well known method of coexistence. People have used water to fight fires for years(take that, you assholes!). Basically, water was the first thing that the caveman realized would actually save him, after dousing his foot with about 40 different things. Basically, without water, everyone would be on fire.

Fighting Water with Fire[edit]

Are you fucking retarded? Seriously? Fire does nothing but destroy and completely eradicate anything it can get its greedy little hands on. Why would you want to destroy water, a substance absolutely needed to sustain life? That's like using stupidity to kill intelligence.

Fighting Fire with Fire[edit]

This makes no sense, using a fire to put out a fire. In fact, wouldn't that just make the fire bigger? Why not just hire Osama Bin Laden to suicide bomb Osama Bin Laden? See, it makes abso-fuckin-lutely no sense.

Fighting Water with Water[edit]

Okay, now this is just getting ridiculous.


Lies. Lies. All Lies.

Lets face it, everything people say about Oil or Petroleum being easily flammable and capable of causing a paradox on a level that Bush or Switzerland hasn't yet is nothing more than complete bollocks. Face it, Oil is made from a liquid. Water and Oil don't have to like each other like some over-the-top gay couple, but everyone knows Oil is not flammable. You might be thinking, "But mister! Gasoline is made from oil and it is very flammable!" First of all, don't address me as Mister or i will come to your house with a flamethrower. Second, that is absolutely incorrect. For you see, oil is a liquid. What do you use to put fires out? Don't go giving me the utter bullcrap, because the only things that can put a fire out is a liquid, whether it be water, or that semi-liquid cold whipped cream stuff they put in fire extinguishers. A liquid being flammable makes about as much sense as the George Bush administration.


Summary: Water and Fire will always hate each other. Never will you see anything like firewater, water on fire, or fire on water except in porn. End of story.

You can also have Sex on Fire...according the Kings of Leon. We imagine that would be slightly uncomfortable and much less pleasant than Sex on Water.



See you in hell, bitches![edit]

Where things actually make some damn sense!