Fire

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

“Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, set a man on fire and he won't feel cold for the rest of his life.”

~ Oscar Wilde on fire

“it's like some wonderful drug... a searing painful drug!!!”

~ satan on fire

Fire is undoubtedly the most important invention of our time. It was invented in about 17000 B.C. by a caveman of genius intellect who went by the simple yet eloquent name of Ugg completely by accident while he was trying to prove his theory of quantum thermodynamics by rubbing two sticks together. This primitive genius perfected what is known far and wide as the universal problem solver. Fire holds the official title of the greatest thing before sliced bread. Fire is cheap, easily accessible, and one of the best creations of all time.

Contents 1 A Brief History of Fire 2 Initial Reaction to Fire 2.1 Views on Fire in The Modern Age 3 Fire--The Universal Problem Solver 4 So...Pretty... 5 ARGH!!!! 6 satan and fire 7 See Also

[edit] A Brief History of Fire

While Ugg the Mastermind perfected fire, he did not create it. In fact, man had nothing to do with the original taming of the wonder substance at all. Numerous theories abound about how fire came to be in the possession of mere mortals, including the wildest hypotheses, ranging from "aliens did it" to "lightning struck a tree" to "flying narwhals"--But the truth is far different. Prometheus, possessor of stupidity foresight, descended from Mount Olympus to give man a gift of the Gods. He stole this Fire from Arthur Brown, who is the God of Hell Fire. Man, being still a total n00b in this harsh world, promptly killed himself while misusing fire. Zeus's anger at Prometheus was kindled, and he chained him to a mountain where crows would descend upon him and devour his kidneys for eternity. Or something like that. Eventually, Ugg came to learn of this fire and taught himself how to wield it, becoming a master firewielder. (He did so because he misplaced his club in his pile of mammoth hides.) His first use of fire was to set his shrewish, nagging wife ablaze. For decades after, the sole use of fire was to whack an annoying spouse. However, Ugg realized its true potential--fire was the universal problem solver, and could be used in any situation. From that day forward, fire took a place in the lives of humans, never to be replaced.

[edit] Initial Reaction to Fire

When fire was made popular in way long ago BC by Bob Fire, little was known about it except that, it kept you warm, scared away animals, made food taste less of stomach ache but more of burning and that if it got too big and attacked you, you could kill it with wee. One such caveman community had this to say about fire:

"No, i don't like it, oh no, no, none of that thank you, not round 'ere, no thank you very much sir."

"To be honest it goes above my head, my grandson's very good at it though, such a nice boy. I use it for burning black people you see."

"Ug"

"Oh yeah, fire, cool man, yeah, i dig it. It's hip, it's happening, it's what all the kids are doing, i was out on this bender right with all my friends, right, who i like hang out with cos' they let me cos' they like me, and yeah so, anyway, i used the fire, to, you know, help dry my tears as i contemplated my crippling loneliness."

"Ug"

"It's the kids I'm worried about, what if this new fangled fire influences them, you know, stops them doing nice wholehearted things, like having sex with things and then killing them."

"it's useful for keeping away that annoying guy who keeps saying ug"

"Fire, Fire, FIRE, you come talking to me about fire, what you tryin' to say mutha 'ucka, huh. what you tryin' to say foo', what just cos' fire turns things black, i should be interested, racist."

"Ug"

"Die, you monosyllabic tosser!"

"Ug, ow, crap, i'm on fire, i'm bloody on fire! Somebody help! i'm completely on f....."

The interviewer, stopped here as he realised the ridiculousness of this whole situation.

[edit] Views on Fire in The Modern Age

Fire fell briefly out of favour in the Victorian age when steam was discovered to be more useful, became briefly more popular from 1914 to 1945 when it was discovered to be good at killing German people, before being forgotten again in the 60's and 70's whe it was discovered that smoke from some plants could make you feel happy, say "wow' a lot and actually think that Jethro Tull are good. However, thanks to immensely popular people like Mary Whitehouse and Margaret Thatcher, drugs become hated and have now fallen completely out of use. this paved the path for fire's triumphant return to the mainstream. Fire was brought back in 1982 by a frenzied advertising blitz in Europe and the USA with slogans such as "fire, the burning stuff" and "give a damn, light a fire". it was also endorsed by a number of celebrities, and was referred to everywhere in the showbiz scene of that time. This was one of the most popular jokes at the time.

   Q:i say, i say, i say, what's the difference between fire and my mother in law?
   A:one is an unholy instrument of torture used by demons in the depths of hell, and the other one keeps me warm at night.

Almost invariably, the followup to this joke will be, "Uh, you mean fire, right? Fire keeps you warm at night." For the joke-teller's safety, he'd better answer "Yeah."

[edit] Fire--The Universal Problem Solver

From the early days of fire when wife-burning was insanely popular, to today where it is still very widely used, fire has expanded its repertoire of uses. In fact, fire can be used for any situation, any time. ANY situation. Say you're being chased by rioting French Eco-Nazis AND radioactive flying weasels AND zombie bananas from the Hindenburg full of Asshelium AND gay faggot cows from planet OinkLlamaSprinkleWinkleWhee AND giant bouncy fossilized titanium balls AND protesting army solidiers in Iraq threatening to cause Armageddon by the use of stainless steel mine grenades placed in the Great Pyramid and Niagra Falls and the 7 wonders AND fat midget ass-shaped aliens from Uranus. Fire can ease your plight. Hungry? Try fire, you'll find it rather spicy. Looking for a good time? "Come on baby, light my fire." Someone committed heresy? Fire specializes in witch burnings (and teacher burnings).If you want to make anything extreme, add fire. Extreme football? Light the football on fire. Extreme jump-roping? Light the jumprope on fire. Extreme studying? Light the nerds on fire. Got fired? Fire the fuckin bitch back (with all your power, get a big bad-ass superpower flamethrower and TORCH the fuckin bitch!!!). Tsunami? Ha ha, yer screwed. However, these are all secondary uses. The most important function of fire is to kill yourself with.

obviously...

[edit] So...Pretty...

Beautiful fire ... glow ... so pretty ... such beauty ... orange light dances across my face ... warms my soul to the very core ... dancing ... seduction ... her light ... it draws me in ... she flickers innocently ... tempting me ... such beauty ... warmth caresses me ... caresses my face ... her beauty ... would that it be mine ... dare I ... dare I caress her sweet flame ... dare I caress her back ... I want you ... so much ... let me ... let me take you ... oh ... yes ... oh, yes ... you feel ... you feel so ... So ... cooold....?

[edit] ARGH!!!!

AAUGH! Hot, hot, hot, AAAAAAAAA! ARRGGH! How can something so right feel so wrong!? Oh, ow, ow, ow, GHAAAAA!!!! Off, off, Get it off, Aaaaaaaarrgggh!!! The pain, oh, AAAAA! It BURNSSS! Get it off! ARRGGHH! GAA! Help, help, the fire! it hurts me! Fire! My skin charring, pain! Oh, pain! Fire! Fire! Oh, pain, hot, HOT, HOT!!!!! AAA!!!!! Please, make it stop! Make the pain stop!!!! AARRGGH! No! No! Stop the burning!!! Stop it! Hurts... please... it BURNS!!! My face, on fire!! Oh, make it STOP! Dying, can't... go... on... gheh.

[edit] satan and fire

satan and fire used to be very close with each other... and i mean VERY close. you know what i mean... anyway, fire and satan would do everything together, give people AIDS, cause global warming and vote for barack obama. while they had there time together they would usually do the most evil thing ever imaginable... listen to sting. the relationship lasted long to the eventual point of satan intending to marry his precious fire. however their relationship had ended when satan found fire in bed with george bush.

[edit] See Also

• Hell
• HowTo:Start a Fire
• Billy Joel
• Cow arson
• Forest Fire Week
• Fire and Brimstone
• Fire Truck
• Purgatory
• Effect of Dragons on Global Warming
• Hug People While You're on Fire Day
• George W. Bush responds to crisis in California by declaring war on fire
• Why?:I'm Hot (I'll give you a hint... I'm a bit charred)