Your Dad
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“Okay I'm in charge here.”
~ Tommy Lee Jones(universal father figure)
“I am your father.”
~ Darth Vader on extramarital affairs with your mother, Queen Amidala
“The Kid is not my son, those are... ”
~ Michael Jackson on Passing the buck
“I have nothing to declare, except my homosexuality.”
~ Oscar Wilde on not having kids
“I blame my Father...Whoever he is.”
~ That random guy on fatherhood
Your dad, the opposite and slightly equal counterpart of your mom, is a famous communist, paedophile and asshole. He was born in the year 0|0 BC to your grandma and your grandpa, which makes him really, really old. He is also one of an infinite number of men who can claim to be your daddy, although he is a big fat fuckin' bitch. Your dad likes to think he's as funny as your mom. He isn't. Your dad doesn't actually like you, he just pretends to, so he can keep banging your mom without paying. Your mom doesn't like you either. You are the reason why your mom drinks like a pirate on death row.
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[edit] Childhood
According to your dad, things were much harder in his day. He walked over 9000 miles to school every day in his bare feet, uphill both ways[1], and it snowed every day -- except that the snow was really bleach, a fact unbeknownst until Little Phoebe ate some and died. He didn't have any kind of entertainment, besides a broken piece of dust[2], which he and his friends played with for 4 hours after school every day. He has inhaled every drug possible, and is often referred to as being a "Hamburgler."
Somehow, although it snowed every day, he managed to be the best baseball player in all of existence. In high school, he could run at 50 miles per hour and throw a baseball 5,283 feet. His team was in the national championship 5 times and won each time, although there is no photographical evidence of this ever happening[3]
90% of America is without a dad.[4] This renders the vast majority of father and son soft-rock ballads utterly pointless.
Your grandparents were very hard on your dad and that is why you must excuse him for being slightly stupid.
[edit] Intelligence
Although no formal intelligence tests have been performed, it should be noted that your dad is widely regarded as an idiot. His "friends", coworkers, wife, and your real father all know this and so should you. Notable deeds done in vain of his include: the time he spent your college savings on big ass tires, that time he forgot protection in Antarctica and you got a sister, and "New Coke". At one point he managed to screw enough high school teachers to get the grades to go to college. This caused him to gain a ridiculous sense of accomplishment which he will never let you live down. You can solve this by:
- a. Kicking his ass
- b. Having a threesome in his bed with pornstars
- c. actually doing something with your life.
Your dad is a piece of shit and you have to remind him of this on a regular basis.... although he did invent the internet.
[edit] Reliability
[edit] Sexual Preferences
Your dad takes what he can get. He will do anything he can, whether that is your mom (that slut), that hot new intern at the office, or a male hobo who decided it was worth it as long as he got to sleep in the hotel room. He will even do animals or household appliances if people are not available. He is also the perfect candidate to repopulate the Earth, as he is notoriously fertile (just look at you and your fifteen siblings). He enjoys sex in all forms, whether he is on top, bottom, taking it in the ass, watching it... And sharing his 'good' home-made porno to a fuck you america data-base. Also, your dad did Samus Aran. He is now, possibly, cockless.
Your dad should be tied down for his own protection whenever a vulnerable, naive, virginal young Catholic girl should have the misfortune to fall into his celestial orbit. Don't you find it strange that, the last time he visited an orphanage (disguised as a priest), he insisted that all the female students go skinny dipping whilst he filmed them for 'research', and touched himself for 'recreation'? Also, there are some very, very strange photos involving a rape victim, some nylon rope and a barge pole hidden under your dad's bed that I really think you should see.
[edit] Drug Use
Yes. YOUR dad does "the drugs". Like that time that he had a mole removed and was addicted to Vicadin for six years. "Smoking 'doobies' twelve out of twenty-four hours helps me sleep, son. Now hand me that Xanax on your way to gettin' me that bottle of Aderol." MY dad is a nice enough guy to offer his body to smoke when he dies so others may enjoy his presence. Your dad is the douchebag who pays $40 a gram to smoke it with his "friends" Did you know that while having sex with Your mom He was high, That explains your low IQ and sperm count.
[edit] His Friends
Your dad doesn't have as many friends as he says he does. In fact he has not more than two friends. One of them works secretly for him, and is only his friend because your dad pays him. The other one is a fat slob that uses your dad as his last resort as a friend. Maybe your father doesn't have any friends because he is a psychotic freak and has schizophrenia. If I were you, I would feel bad for your dad. Maybe, at this moment, you should be thinking about getting your dad a psychiatrist so that he might be able to pick up another friend or two.
[edit] Notes
You are a biproduct of Your Dad. Sorry.
“Money can't buy love but it can buy you a dirty sanchez.”
- ↑ Which appears to be a mathematic anomaly, impossible by any current laws of physics, yet was experienced by everyone over the age of 30 on the way to school each day.
- ↑ Don't ask how a piece of dust can break.
- ↑ There was once a photo, but it was eaten by a Grue
- ↑ 12% have Dads that used to be Moms before their operation
