Fishbone diagrams were first discovered in 1534 by the ancient Chinese Empire, who considered them utterly worthless pieces of junk. Among the first uses were: shelter, aphrodisiac, lampshade, and a cellular phone. Their current use was not discovered until Samuel L. Jackson used one in the movie Pulp Fiction to cut off someone's freakin head. Fishbone diagrams must be handled with care at all times, as the many branches represent countless ways to die.
Always willing to rape and pillage anything Chinese, Mazda utilized the fishbone diagram while trying to make the Miata look even gayer. Unfortunately, the fishbone diagrams were used in making the seats of the car, and there was a high incidence of anal scarring.
Fishbone diagrams have been more successfully used in the field of plots to take over the world. As the diagram below illustrates, more branches on a fishbone diagram make you exponentially more likely to get a date with your mom. Also note relation to Box of Scorpions.
Throughout the years, millions of people have found new uses for the fishbone diagram. Many of these are much too dangerous to attempt at home, so a friend's house is necessary to try it out. Avoid using any precautions while using the fishbone diagram because such things often spook or scare the diagram and it will likely fly away from you. Another important reminder: use of the fishbone diagram will likely cause your friend's mom to become highly attracted to you. In the likely case that she is an old hag, use of a fishbone diagram for defense will be futile. A broadsword will be necessary.
Under no circumstance should one attempt roasting a baby on a fishbone diagram. Though the many branches would burn a nice pattern into the baby's flesh, babies actually attain a life force from the fishbone diagram. This will cause the baby to suddenly heal (even if cut into millions of tiny pieces) and jump out of the fire, likely killing you and the rest of your family.
Fishbone diagrams are more commonly used in the roasting of savages. Cooking spray must first be sprayed in the eyes of your victims to prevent them from spearing you in the chest. As savages are not actually human, they will not be able to obtain any life force out of the fishbone diagram. Originally, savages would be tied to a very large fishbone diagram, freeze-dried, spit upon, marinated, then tossed into a dragon cave. This is the method still supported by Andrew Jackson. Since then, advances in fishbone diagram technology have allowed regular people to [duct tape]] two fisbone diagrams to either side of their George Foreman Grill. Using this technique, one would cut the savage into about 42 pieces after freeze-drying, thus allowing for a much more time to eat the savage.
For Construction Work
Fishbone diagrams are used extensively in the cuntstruction industry. Mostly, workers will arrange the diagrams into provocative, often pornographic, representations of smokin' hot women. Such displays are imperative to keeping morale high on the job sight, while making sure nothing actually gets done.
In 2004, it was reported that 1,479 construction workers plummeted to their death while trying to get a better look at fishbone diagrams. Recently, savvy employers have began laminating their fishbone diagrams. Though this process does not prevent any deaths, it does keep employees from exploding on impact and has resulted in much cleaner construction sites across America.
Warning: DO NOT USE FISHBONE DIAGRAM FOR NAILS, it is impossible to grip fishbone diagrams without dying in a pool of blood.
For Plots to Take Over the World
For best results, future world leaders should conceal their fishbone diagram until they have taken complete control of the world. Ideally, one should leave their diagram at home before going out to party and spread good tidings, or STDs, we don't judge here. This is important because if one picture of your "fishbone diagram" gets out, it will probably be all over the tabloids and the internet. This will be a very embarrassing for you and your family, and it will likely result in your inability to follow out your plan, which you wrote on a separate piece of paper.
Should your fishbone diagram become exposed, there are a few things you can do to keep from becoming a dirty bum. If the plan is nearing the last steps, prematurely ejaculating a Box of Scorpions or Lobsters into a crowded restaurant will be your best bet. Otherwise, take your friend's mom hostage. On second thought, don't. You can't even keep your fishbone diagram to yourself for a few days, much less keep a hostage. You're screwed.
In the 1950's, fishbone diagrams were widely used to make sure wives would clean the house for their husband. The product was wildly popular and sold by General Electric, often given out for free with the purchase of a washing machine, dryer, dishwasher, or television set. The practice was given up during the 1970s when acid trips made fishbone diagrams equally dangerous to men as to women.
Fishbone diagrams have reemerged in domestic cleaning, now as a means to destroy brooms and mops to make room for the Swiffer Wet Jet. This handy tool works approximately 1.421% better than the average wife and -472.438% better than child laborers at keeping the fitchen floor sparkly clean. After the destruction of your old broom and mop, the Swiffer Wet Jet will be the perfect thing to clean up the mess.
As a founding member of Professional Creating, Inc., fishbone diagrams have long been at the forefront of the Evolution vs. Creation debate. Along with The Beatles, greenhouse gases, George Washington, and baby Jesus, fishbone diagrams have amassed a secret stash of cold hard cash somewhere in the Caribbean. The cash had to be temporarily stashed in Bermuda for the shooting of Pirates of the Caribbean, but Professional Creating, Inc. has since moved it back, secretly.
Ever since fishbone diagrams created the earth and all that revolves around it, fishbone diagrams have felt underappreciated by the universal community. To combat this injustice, they have argued to be put back into textbooks along with their comembers. The scientific community has rejected these protests, saying that to take something back would undermine their integrity. For this reason, fishbone diagrams plotted a successful burglary of Pluto in 2006. The scientific community still refuses to budge.
Always weigh the pros and cons before purchasing, creating, or stealing a fishbone diagram. Keeping and maintaining a fishbone diagram requires many skills: kung fu, ability to count from 1 to 10, shooting laser beams from your eyes, a good poker face, and a harem of women. All of these will come into play during various times of fishbone diagram ownership, so they should be seriously considered before pursuing a fishbone diagram.
If, however, you like to live on The Edge, I have hidden a small collection of fishbone diagrams throughout the non-Continental United States(sorry, lower 48). In Alaska, I have hidden the diagrams in......well its too cold there, so forget it. In Hawaii, the diagrams can only be found at active volcano sites. The diagrams may be used to assassinate Bono. As stated earlier, these diagrams are only for people who like to live on The Edge.
For those of us that have common sense, fishbone diagrams can be cheaply and easily bought from your mom, often as a parting gift if you're already paying for her other services. Always talk to a doctor after visiting your mom, as you may have accidentally stolen her uterus or lost your virginity. Both currently run a high price on the stock market, so you may have just lost or gained a fortune cookie.
Despite the evident dangers of fishbone diagrams, The United States Government still refuses to place any restrictions on their use. Many have postulated that it is a cover-up to distract America's attention away from the amount of kitten huffing paraphernalia coming in through Mexico. However, recent studies have shown that it is actually the government's way of weeding out the weak citizens, thus creating a Super USA by survival of the fittest. Thanks a lot, Charles Darwin.