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“The next motherfucker who sets my tampons on fire can kiss their butt goodbye!”
“That fucker hurt my dick.”
“HELP! MY VAGINA'S ON FIRE!”
“In Soviet Russia, flaming vagina get you”
“Although it hurts, it expresses originality.”
“Your moms vagina was flaming. Ooooooooo buuuuuuuurn. Look, burn cos it's on fire. Right.”
“I was airing my vagina in front of the fireplace, who knows ... *sobs*”
A flaming vagina is a sexually transmitted disease typically caused by excessive vaginal dryness, excessive heat, tight pants, bad hygeine, the use of feminine deodorant sprays, and sex with a pyromaniac. Cases vary depending on the woman, ranging from severely irritating to mildly fatal.
Discovery of the disease
This disease, not to be confused with the firecrotch condition, was discovered in the mid 1980s when a young lisa lobe was having sexual intercourse with a ball of fire (as she will literally fuck anything that moves) and her vagina started to flame uncontrollably.
The latest incident involved none other than megawhore Paris Hilton. Hilton thinks the flames in her vagina are "hot" and is continually flashing her "flaming vagina" on the red carpet.
Johnny Cash was an early pioneer of discovering Flaming Vagina and even wrote "Ring of Fire" as a stark and chilling warning to Fred Durst and of course to women everywhere.
The first and foremost symptom of a flaming vagina is, of course, flames bursting from the vagina. Contrary to popular belief, these flames are quicker to burn through pants than a skirt, due to the tighter confines of a pair of pants. Other symptoms may include nausea, vomiting, dry mouth, headache, dizziness, smoking from the pant area, and bad gas.
Though 90% of cases are harmless albeit irritating, several women have died of flaming vagina. This happens if flaming vagina is left undetected and untreated for longer than a week; the vagina may explode, of the flames may spread to other areas of the body resulting in spontaneous combustion. Women with flaming vagina should steer clear of distilled alcohol and anal sex, as they may further irritate the vagina. Exposure to gasoline is the number-one cause of death by flaming vagina.
Cures and treatments
Currently, the only available cure for flaming vagina is throwing water on it. This cure works 99.9% of the time. However, if one cannot get to a bucket of water or a hose in time, there is a temporary treatment in the form of a suppository. It's called Mydixadrill, and must be inserted into the anus every hour. Women who are pregnant, nursing, using drugs, or suffering from uncontrollable gas should see a doctor before taking Mydixadrill. Side effects may include dizziness, herpes, and seeing little pink Christina Aguliera monsters.
- Remove all hair on a daily basis - this is extremely flammable.
- Avoid warming the vagina on a radiator or fireplace.
- Frequent clitoral stimulation will maintain a flame free environment.
- By repeating the words "I like my pussy shaved" on the hour every hour will guarantee results.
- Avoid wearing tight pants.
- Don't wear underwear to bed unless the temperature is below zero.
- Keep the vagina clean at all times, especially during menstruation.
- Rub peanut butter on it. Make sure it is the smooth variety (peanut butter, not vagina)
- Engage in sex with whoever asks for it. Although it doesn't help, people will be more willing to put the fire out lest it should happen.
- Masturbate a lot. Best is using an AK47.
- Avoid wearing jeans during masturbation. It renders it ineffective and therefore won't quench flames.
Known sufferers of Flaming Vagina
- Yo mama
- Meg Griffin
- Your Mom
- Barbara Streisand
- Monica Lewinsky
- Anna Nicole Smith
- Fred Durst
- tybirius thunderbolt
- Alanis Morrisette
- Tom Cruise
- Zoe Tay
- Natasha (queen of the orange race) Kaplinsky
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