Flat-chested

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“Asian girls are flat-chested”

~ Captain Obvious on Example of Flat-Chested

“Not really, Google "gravure". Good stuff.”

~ Me on Captain Obvious' quote

“Damn. That's hot.”

~ You on my quote

Definition[edit]

Flat chests can be dangerously sexy
This is a non-flat boob,so you have something to masturbate to in case you don't know what they look like.

Flat-chested, adj (flåt chês-tæd) The condition in which the breasts of an adult human female are small to nonexistent. Flat-chested women are eccentric child-like beauties. While they lack the visibility of breasts, they often look younger than they truly are, and are easier to hit on from their low self-esteem.

</choose>. Flat-chestedness is medically defined as any cup size "B" or lower.

med A condition which, when it afflicts a female, is strangely pleasant to experience fucking as a male.

Dictionary definition: 1. Female lacking breasts. 2. Sexy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And can they help it? NO. I myself am fine with that, I love the flat tits.

History[edit]

In 1492 it was internationally believed that that all chests were indeed flat. Much of what was known about the bean-bag bosom was speculation along with the persistent rumors of "giant Bongos". There has been lots of documentation which supports the premise of the tiny torpedoes in ancient hieroglyphics and cave doodles because they didn't have the newest version of TroglodytePhotoshop©. The Zeitgeist for this age sadly lamented the lack of milk.

Ulrikka Johnson was believed to have a flat chest however it turned out that Vanessa Feltz had sat on her in an argument, a number of people have tried to pump her back up since with no effect.

The metrosexually renowned artesian Leonardo DiCaprio had depicted such a damsel in the famed classical piece heißt die Moaning Lisa. Many theorists surmise that the famed "mystery smile" was only to distract the viewer’s gaze away from her plywood penis pillows. The Da Vinci Code shockumentary will be released in May 2006, much to the disdain of Catholics, but to the enjoyment of those who find mullets sexy.

Hannah Patel-Campbell is an example of a beautiful lady with giant bongos. Therefore it is highly inappropriate to mention her in this section. However, I shall do so anyway.

The Flapjack Tribe of the Lost Islands[edit]

This tribe was widely documented by Itty Bitty Titty Committee of Robert Frost who himself chaired and wrote about his travels and his mistakes with rough hewn lumber chests in his oft quoted, but mistakenly interpreted piece, The Road Less Traveled, quoting later:

“They were so inviting and of the size most like a dinner plate, but unfortunately I got a splinter licking her nipples.”

Three Laws of Frontal Elevation[edit]

Alyson Hannigan, moments after appealing to the world's leaders for peace between redheads and the Finnish.

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia:

  1. A boob may not harm a human being, or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
  2. A boob must obey the gravitational force given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
  3. A boob must protect its own existence, as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

Medical Incredible[edit]

Pamela Anderson, in case you don't know what she looks like.

The scope of this pandemic is slowly migrating westward, with countless cases of Flat Chested beeeyatches in their ancestral home of China. Germany has had to recently implant hundreds of women to get on par with their American counterparts. The World Health Organisation has been masturbating frequently to large boobs, to make sure to stave off any infection from the befouled pork cutlets strapped to the chests of some women.

It wasn't until the great explorer Pamela Anderson discovered that boobs were indeed full and round! They are the complete antithesis to flat chested women and inverted chests in kittens. Soon Nature's little thermometers fell to the wayside. Women every where were fed up with their irritating udders were demanded the latest Gazoombas, Kabombas and Mamões. Nipples perking up everywhere were. Jigglies, Goombas and Bazongas were swinging throughout city streets. You couldn't turn the corner without stumbling into Heavy-duty honeydew or get sideswiped by a pair of Chumbawumbas. It was indeed, a Brave New World. Ms. Anderson, while suffering from the Clap touted that all chests were created equally saggy and yet extremely curvaceous. It also has been proven that girls who have flat chest are evil ass holes who try not to eat a lot so they can blame their flat chestedness and flat assedness on being toothpicks.

Causes of Flat-Chestedness[edit]

There are many suspected causes of flat-chestedness. Modern Science has not yet fully determined all the possible sources of flat-chestedness, but has put forth many theories to explain this curse on humanity.

Flat-Chestedness is a Choice Theory[edit]

This theory is particularly popular with many theologians, and holds, that, like homosexuality, flat-chestedness is caused by a willful and perverse decision to inflict misery on the world. It is supported by the fact that many evil women are flat-chested.

Being Emo[edit]

It has been observed that most Emo girls are flat-chested. It is commonly believed that females who go emo are cursed with flat-chestedness by some sort of deity, most likely a moon god of some sort, as punishment for their deviant behavior. However, more recent research has suggested that girls go Emo because they lackboobs, which makes perfect sense. Also, many Emos formerly believed to be female have been found to be Cross-dressing males, explaining their flat-chestedness. It is also widely asserted that all Emos are genderless, thus explaining their lack of boobs.

Additionally, some biologists have asserted that Emos are the female versions of goths, all of whom are male; just like a tiger is a female lion and a hippo is a female rhino. Advocates of this theory generally point out that supposedly "male" emos are in fact more feminine than supposedly "female" goths. Also, the constant whininess of Emos may be evidence of such female mood-swing inducing states as menstruation, pregnancy, and/or being a woman.

Being Elmo[edit]

As you can see, Elmo is cleary flat-chested.

For centuries, several great scientists and philosophers have debated why Elmo is flat chested. The currently, some or all of the following explanations are given:

  • Elmo is a muppet and muppets do not have breasts This theory has been seriously questioned because no one knows what a muppet is, despite years of research into the subject. The ancient poet Homer gave the what is regarded as the best definition of a muppet when he said, "Well, its not quite a mop, and its not quite a puppet, my boy... so to answer your question, I don't know."
  • Elmo is a boy. Many question if Elmo is a boy because he does not have a penis. Plus, boys have breasts too.
  • Elmo has not gone through puberty yet. This is COMPLETE BULLCRAP because we know for a fact, Idiocrates, who lived in the 15th century b.c. commented on the flat-chestedness of Elmo, making Elmo over 3,400 years old. Clearly, no creature can take over 34 centuries to go through puperty.
  • Elmo suffered from breast cancer, and therefore, had his boobs removed. However, Elmo has no scars from the supposed surgery, so this explanation is now commonly rejected. Some have suggested that Elmo's red fur covers these scars, but closer examination has proven that Elmo does not in fact have any physical evidence of such surgeries.
  • Elmo is a sinner, and was cursed by Zeus with flat-chestedness This is perhaps the most popular theory of Elmo's flat-chestedness.
  • Elmo is Emo This is also commonly believed, but it goes no where because nobody knows for sure why Emos are flat-chested.
  • Some divine being arbitrarily dislikes Elmo, and has cursed Elmo with flat-chestedness (and pobably enternal damnation) to make his wrath known
  • You worship the wrong the god We know this is probably true because there are many religions, and only one can be right.
  • Your mom This answer needs no explanation.

Cures for Flat-Chestedness[edit]

Poorly done breast implants can look fake.

There are various cures for flat-chestedness. The most popular include:

Breast Implants[edit]

Breast implants are generally regarded as being among the most effective cures of flat-chestedness.

Advantages include:

  • Controllable size change, from "no-longer-looking-like-a-twelve-year-old-boy-when-naked" to "freak'n-overkill"
  • Minimal risk of sagging.
  • The lack of serious side effects that occur in other methods.

Disadvantages include:

  • The need for surgery.
  • Relatively high cost, but lower than some other techniques
  • May look fake.
  • Possible health issues, particularly with silicone implants.
  • May cause you to look like a shemale.

Become Preggers[edit]

Pregnancy also reduces of the population of kittens.

Although pregnancy does have some drawbacks, it remains the most popular cure for flat-chestedness.

Advantages include:

  • Natural looking and boobs.
  • An excuse to eat a lot.
  • Your husband/boyfriend/significant other has to pretend you're still attractive.
  • May result in significant child support and/or public assistance depending on the situation.
  • Proves you're not a shemale, because shemales can't get pregnant.

Disadvantages include:

  • Extremely high cost, often in the tens of thousands of dollars over a couple decades.
  • Temporary weight gain.
  • "Temporary" weight gain might not be that temporary.
  • Possible sagging later on.
  • Hospital stay may be even longer than for breast implants.
  • Only works in females.

Weight Gain[edit]

The use of wieght gain to fight flat-chestedness has grown in popularity in recent years.

Weight gain is also a commonly used to fight flat-chestedness, almost as common as pregnancy. A woman who uses weight gain to fight flat-chestedness is called a BBW.

Advantages include:

  • Low cost, compared to other methods.
  • Natural looking boobs.
  • Another excuse to eat a lot.
  • Works in both males and females.
  • Overall "curviness" is also increased.

Disadvantages include:

  • Weight gain.
  • Possible sagging.
  • Obesity.
  • Possible health issues.
  • Being a fatty.

Gender Change[edit]

The Results of gender change.

And finally, gender change is also used to combat flat-chestedness.

Advantages include:

  • Will generally make you more attractive to straight males than other methods.
  • Low risk of sagging.
  • Generally more or less natural looking boobs.
  • Being a woman

Disadvantages include:

  • High cost, more than implants but below pregnancy.
  • Proves you are a shemale.
  • Only works in males, if attempted in females, it will increase flat-chestedness.
  • Usually does not completely cure flat-chestedness.
  • Required hormones may change your sexual orientation, making you GAY!!!.
  • Being a woman
  • Not having a penis

See Also[edit]



Sexual Fetishes, Paraphilias, and Assorted Perversions