Flower pots

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Flower pots are considered by many to be a critical component of the modern garden, due to the many diverse roles people have put them to, such as trapping rats, making sponge puddings, using them as the the primary defense mechanism against the neighbours cat (where frying pan is unavailable)and surprisingly for growing flowers in. Of course these people are deluded, unaware of the flower pots true nature.

In fact the only person in history who ever worked out the true purpose of the flower pot was Adolf Hitler, who discovered they reacted strongly to his Nazi salute and when he discussed his diabolical plans for world domination. This is because the flower pots around the world are all EVIL and they liked having someone who talked on their level.

Flower pots and World Domination[edit]

Indeed, the flower pots are the first stage of a planned worldwide attack by known terrorists, Bill and Ben, who call their terrorist group 'the flower pot men'. Bill and Ben used to be peaceful souls (in the days of black and white tv) until one day they accidentally set their close friend 'Weed' on fire and breathed in the smoke. Suddenly they turned into tyrannical dictators of an inherently evil nature and began plotting (one pun opportunity missed, 'potting' wouldn't that have been just great...) a sinister plan to take over the world. They came up with... you guessed it... THE GARDEN SHEARS OF DOOM! Since this plan failed completely they switched to plan B which is the one with the flower pots.

Basically during their TV show Bill and Ben would use subtle subliminal messaging to ingrain the idea of 'buying flower pots prevents cancer' into the vulnerable young audience, who consequently grew up, and then bought flower pots for their gardens fearing cancer. Of course Bill and Ben had replaced all the boring flower pots with exciting new ones which were equipped with hidden machine guns, cotton candy, brocilli (children everywhere have always known it was evil) and thermonuclear devices, ready to spring up and mutilate every gardener in sight.

Bill and Ben gave them a mind of their own so they would be even more evil, but while trying to keep the costs down they made the unfortunate mistake of giving them the equivalent intelligence of Paris Hilton, and hence were not only to stupid to use the hidden weaponry but also far to stupid to be controlled. Therefore the whole project had to be delayed until they had saved up enough money to buy new minds with enough brain power to be of any good.

Bill and Ben however have not appeared to learn from their mistakes, having tried to use the brains of 5 more idiots to date including Nicole Richie, David Beckham, George Bush, the Teletubbies and a hobo with no education. Although the hobo was the best of these it was still insufficient and they have decided to save up to buy Jade Goody's brain (she thought she was donating to a good cause) on Ebay.

When they do finally acquire a brain with an I.Q. above 40 Bill and Ben will probably have died of old age,thus saving the world without the need for Superman, Batman or indeed anything. Scientists have begun researching this case in depth hoping to apply its principles to other things as it is a highly rare self-solving problem, and it would save them the trouble of working out how to solve problems and hence could retire early. (pensions would no longer be a problem of course)

The social lives of flower pots[edit]

Being living beings, flower pots have social lives when they arent being used as tools for homicde. Just as among humans, different flower pots have varying levels of social life. Some flower pots, classified as Moreuspartyus by scientists, enjoy being the centre of attention. They tend to live in the middle of the room, get in everybodys way and due to this suffer premature death after being knocked over by your dog, a small rodent or a passing ballistic missile. The only other (You are truly guilable if you thought flower pots had varied social lives, or of course you are simply on crack) known way for a flower pot to exist is in a dark corner of a garden or shed and think about death and doom and the lives everyone else is having that they arent. Scientists classify these flower pots simply as Emos.

The Sex lives of flower pots[edit]

You must be an ├╝ber pervert just for reading this.

How to use flower pots best in a war[edit]

Seeing as the flower pot plot is not going to happen in your life time (it might affect your decendants, but who cares about them anyway?) flower pots should be used for profit. For this reason the Americans have decided to use them in the war on terror (the monter under George Bush's bed that gives him the willies). Flower pots have been used in all these ways to great effect in war time:

  • ...Firstly as sick buckets on the flight over to the country being invaded (avoid flower pots with holes in the bottom)
  • ...Secondly as projectile weapons to clear the landing zone. (Extra effective if the first point is utilised on the way.)
  • ...Thirdly as a helmet for the soldiers. (May not stop bullet, but makes you feel safer anyway. Also makes you look very stylish)
  • ...Fourthly for building a Shelter out of. (Toddlers have tested this theory and have confirmed it to be highly effective)
  • ...Fithly for gathering water. (Utilise point one for extra flavour to the water)
  • ...Sixthly for sittling on. (also effective as a portaloo)
  • ...Seventhly for beating the enemy to death. (Rumors that this is flawed when attacking foes with guns have been denied)
  • ...And finally for drinking champagne out of to celebrate victory. (Best if all the above steps have been taken prior to drinking, fortunately for soldiers victory and hence this step are unlikely to come)