Flute
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“I played the flute. Then I became gay. Now I still play the flute.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Flute
The flute is a musical instrument whose players tends to make up for the lack of talent in other sections of the band. This sophistication of the flute is reflected by the fact that it is usually made of silver or even gold, compared to other more primitive materials such as brass or wood.
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[edit] History
The flute is scientifically accepted as the oldest and wisest of all instruments (like, seriously, some artifact-digging dudes proved it). The flute started off as a small pipe of heavenly matter with holes punctured in it. It was given to God as a present from his father (widely believed to be Ian Anderson). However, the original flute was dropped from the clouds and as it entered the mortal realm, it turned into a simplistic form of wood, about 20,000 years ago. Modern flutes and their players much resemble the original pair. Up to today, it is accepted that flutes are naturally inferior.
[edit] Properties
[edit] How you play it
The flute is held to the right of the player's head. It is held with two hands. Those two hands have to press 17-18 keys at any given time, sometimes all at once. In a marching band, the flute is to be held at an absolutely straight angle. When this does not happen perfectly every time the drum major gets angry and points it out.
To make sound, the flute player blows across the hole on the end of the flute. Roughly 90% of the air is wasted and 9% makes it into the flute to make the sound. Nobody knows where the remaining 1% goes, but it is belived to enter the secret compartment at the center of the flute to provide oxygen to the pixies who live there.
[edit] Size
The flute is the only instrument that was designed to be convenient enough to fit into one's pocket, partly due to the fact that it is the only instrument not designed by apes. Piccolo players enjoy wiping smirks off of other sections' faces by slipping their instruments into their pockets during marching band practice while the rest of the band suffers from severe back injuries from carrying their instruments around.
[edit] Tuning
Although the flute section is hardly ever in tune with each other, it has been known to occur. In such a situation, there is a code which all flute players follow. This code is so sacred that even band directors have been brainwashed into following it. The code goes by the name of "its a miracle."
Piccolo players themselves are the ultimate scapegoat. 90% of band tuning disasters are blamed on the piccolo, namely because of its high-pitched sound. If a band member happens to be out of tune with the band, the blame of that out-of-tuneness is immediately shifted to the piccolo player, who in fact is only out of tune about 30% of the time.
[edit] Personality
There are several types of personalities of flute players.
[edit] The Guy
Many men look down upon playing the flute because they believe it makes them gay. They are terribly incorrect. You see, males in the flute section are constantly surrounded by hot girls, as opposed to other sections (such as the trombone and tuba sections), which are full of fat, sweaty, horny guys. Furthermore, since they are usually the only male in the section, they have to deal with all the hot girls by themselves. This is the reason many men look down upon the male flute player, because he is as talented as the asian but has a life (unlike the males in the low brass section), and is surrounded by hot girls. But this secret must be kept to ensure that the male flautists can totally pwn the others. Male flute players tend to be very talented (see Ian Anderson, James Galway, and Kevin Crawford, and are the actual good ones about 60% of the time. The ones that aren't good tend to actually be gay.
[edit] The Diva
Usually thinks she is quite a good player...her downfall? She knows it. Tends to point out the perfect things others can't do, talk about all the competitions she wins (by bribing judges), and play with excessive upper body motion. Also tends to play with hyper speed vibrato that no one enjoys listening to because it reminds them of a goat. Usually it is the diva being out of tune in the flute section, but she must be perfect, so she blames it on the piccolo player.
[edit] The Supermodel Wannabe
Usually just in the band to hook up with guys. Not particularly good, but just enough to get into the band. Known to cause many accidents because some members of the low brass section (including the girls) stare at her when they should be marching.
[edit] The Control Freak
Compensates for her lack of talent by controlling everything the members of her section does. Sometimes the section leader. This person also blames all their mistakes on the flute. They blow and blow and blow on the keys until the imaginary thing clogging the keys is gone.
[edit] The Actual Good One
She is probably the only one in the entire section who can actually play worth a lick. Very fun to be around. Often humble, she plays complicated things on her flute when she thinks no one is listening and amazes everyone, but when asked to play something not required she sometimes gets nervous or starts laughing. Liked by all of the section and the band, she enjoys helping everyone. Everyone in the band (except the older and frequently less talented section leader) wishes she had the authority to help people out. When she actually does try to help, though, the section leader and the drum major turn on her and insist she doesn't talk anymore. Fun-loving, The Actual Good One makes friends with other sections easily and is seen hanging out with "not-flutes". Tends to get new concepts quickly and easily but does not show off about it.
[edit] The Listeners
These are often Flutes that stand there and listen. They are often very quiet in Band, but not in school. They are known to be excellent marchers, and fair players. They try not to get in other people's ways and are loved by the Actual good one.
[edit] The Asian
Every flute section has at least one Asian person. The Asian practices for approximately 25 hours per night, which results in them playing with mechanical perfection. However, their lack of a soul prevents them from expressing anything in their music. Often confused for a Flute-Playing Robot.
[edit] Notable flute Players
- Dracula
- Vanessa Cheverez Plunkett
- Elizabeth II
- The Greek God Pan
- That artsy girl you've got a crush on
- Che Guevara(often played duets with his oboist amigo Fidel)
- Gareth McLearnon
- Zach Braff
- Georgie Wilkins
- Arnold Schwarzenegger
- Ron Burgundy
[edit] See Also
| Band Class |
| Flute- Clarinet- Oboe - Saxophone- Trumpet - French Horn - Bassoon - Trombone - Euphonium - Tuba - Drummer - Xylophone - Cowbell |
