“...yeah, right! And pigs will fly out of my ass!”
“They can fly! ”
Porcus Volarius, or the Flying Pig as they are more commonly known, came about as the first known miracle of Jesus Christ in his incarnation as Mr. Pink Floyd. Though their time on Earth has been controversial, their impact on world history has been incontrovertable.
The Porcus Volarius spends 99% of its time up in the sky. That's why it's called a Flying Pig. If it would spend most of its time in a sty, like a Normal Pig (Porcus Communus), it wouldn't be called a Flying Pig, would it? It would be called a Winged Pig (Porcus Dodo), or just Plain Pig (Porcus Planus). They:
- fly in the sky,
- eat in the sky,
- Poop in the sky,
- laugh in the sky,
- cry in the sky,
- sing in the sky
- Lucy in the sky,
- dance in the sky
- sleep in the sky,
Flying Pigs are omnivores - consuming not only plants and animals--but, on rare occassions, rocks, clouds, and they are even able to live on their own farts. More not than often, they forage along treetops, mountain plateus and along the sides of cliffs.
Flying Pigs are known to mate in the sky, an act that is known as a Flying Fuck. When the Flying sow is ready to give birth, she flies up as high as she is able, & then drops the piglets (4 to 12), who then must instantly learn how to fly before they hit the ground. The fact that many people are hit yearly by a piglet crashing down on them, is a well guarded secret.
Highly intelligent, and highly trainable, they have been used as
- birds of prey,
- reconnaissance scouts, and as
- suicide bombers during times of unrest in certain parts of the world.
More pedestrian uses include:
- training your pig to chase attractive pet owners in the park,
- teaching them to crap on the neighbors car, and
- using them to spy on one's suspected cheating spouse.
During the "lost years" of J. Christ (P. Floyd), before he completely lost his marbles and moved to Happyland, the young would-be Lord and Saviour found himself in an argument with his friend Biff "the Spliff" (who later jumped from a cliff). When Biff the Spliff boasted That scientifically it would be possible to turn water into Ginger beer, young JC (PF) was heard to exclaim "Yeah, right! And pigs will fly out of my ass!"
Unfortunately, due to the still uncontroled hormonally charged outbursts in his pubescent years, Jesus's (Pinks's) powers chose this exact moment to manifest fully. Dropping onto his hands and knees, Jesus, son of God (Mr P. Floyd senior), in great exaltation shat out 12 pigs. For 6 minutes,, they circled overhead, chanting "Pigs on the Wing (I & II)" and "Piggies" (both Hymns composed by Mr. T. Beatles) until they flew off to the southnorth, (up, up and away), where they found a place to multipulate.
From then on, people began worshipping these flying pigs as their one and only Gods.
Pink didn't like this much, as he saw his mission of spreading the farts of his father fail miserably. He started demonising Flying Pigs & funded the Anti Flying Pig Party (AFPP).
Jesus: 'I mean, they just came out of my arse on accident, it' s not like they' re holy or anything. You know what I'm saying'?
Because of this the pigs decided to seek for a better and safer place to live. Together they flew to Bussum, a place in the Netherlands which was known for its tolerance towards Holy Flying Pigs. They spent the rest of their lives there, which was not very long, because Bussum hosted a lot of heretic butchers.
For further reading
- Who fed Alice to the Pigs? - by F. Lying Bitch