Flying Testicle Monster
“Those things are definitely not meatballs.”
What is the Flying Testicle Monster?
The Flying Testicle Monster (FTM) is the bastard father of the famed Flying Spaghetti Monster. Its appearance, as its name suggests, is evocative of a giant pair of exposed testicles, surrounded by tube-like appendages (equivalent to the "noodles" of the FSM). He is the god of masculinity: Giver of Hairy Chests, Diviner of Sex Lives, Gracious Governor of Penis Size, Enabler of Testosterone, and Holy One, blessed be He, Who Endorses Never, EVER Asking for Directions or Reading Instructions.
Note: Because the FTM clearly possesses anatomy characteristic to males, the FTM shall hereafter be referred to as "he".
History of the FTM (Flying Testicle Monster)
Biblical scholars have traced the origins of the Flying Testicle Monster to ancient pagan religions that existed before the rise of Pastafarianism, when he was worshipped as the god of masculinity. Archeological evidence recovered at ancient shrines shows that the FTM clearly predates the FSM. According to ancient mythology, the Flying Testicle Monster married the Flying Ovary Monster (FOM) which resulted in the famed Flying Spaghetti Monster. The reason given for the FSM not resembling some freakish hermaphrodite is that the FOM had an overpowering craving for pasta during pregnancy.
The Flying Testicle Monster Now
The FTM has largely been forgotten, and most modern societies instead worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster. In the early days of Pastafarianism, the FTM granted a rare interview, ostensibly to describe the early childhood of the FSM. What the interview quickly turned into, however, was a rant about his son—clearly he was upset at losing the limelight to his own offspring. The FTM has mellowed out over time, and in subsequent interviews, he expressed that he is proud of his son, and graciously admitted that his "time in the limelight is over. It's [his] Son's time to shine now" as he waxed nostalgic over the FSM's early childhood. Most interviews with the Flying Testicle Monster end with him stating either "Son—your mother misses you" or "And Son, in case your listening, remember to CALL YOUR MOTHER!"