Folsom, California

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Just one of the many beautiful sights in Folsom.

Folsom, California (AKA That place with the prison) is a small suburb near Sacramento not known for its bustling city life or its exciting climate. Rather, it isn't known for anything at all. Outside of the Folsom Prison, which still fails to land it a dot on the map, most people have never heard of this humble township of 72,000. And hopefully they never will.


Folsom is named for Joseph Libbey Folsom, although the average citizen would not know this fact; the mere mention of which would baffle most Folsom teenagers (who, due to having nothing to do in their free time, have mostly regressed to skateboarding and smoking weed). In 1886 there was a large Chinese community, but the founding citizens of Folsom, being the great Americans they were, set the local Chinatown on fire and drove the Chinese out of town. They have largely been replaced by Indians, Filipinos, and Arabs; a cause of endless grief to the rich, white majority.

Folsom Prison was established in 1880 to house the lawfully-challenged citizens and Mexicans. It is, sadly, the city's most distinguishing feature.

In 1956, the aptly-named Folsom Dam was built to provide flood control and a lake to help drive attention away from the prison, and to give Folsom a more tourist-destination vibe. Needless to say, this failed, as the prison is still the only reason outsiders even remember the damn place.

Historic Sutter Street[edit]

A celebration on Folsom's Historic Sutter Street. What they're celebrating is anyone's guess.

Sutter Street is a historical street in Folsom where the buildings haven't been rennovated since around the time the US still had some value in California. It's also a popular destination for obnoxious teenagers, but only on certain nights where something is actually happening there. On Sutter Street, people can walk up and down the street and look at the buildings. That's about it. When one gets tired of this diverting activity, they can head to the Chicago Fire Pizza nearby and take a quick bite before continuing the momentuous activity of walking up and down the street.

Thankfully, there's always many exciting events going on to ensure you spend as much money as possible there. Events include, but are not limited to: Antique store sales, the Thursday Night Market, and parades consisting of two men dressed somewhat like cowboys riding down the street in a horse-drawn carriage. Due to the budget cuts, however, it is now mandatory to buy stuff from at least 22 of the 60 antique dealers whenever one visits there. All money goes toward doing nothing for the school district while firing all of the arts and music teachers, thus eliminating the only possible places outside of lunch where students can express their creativity and LSD trips.

Folsom Today[edit]

Today, Folsom is mostly inhabited by a rich white majority; with the notable minorities being Mexicans, Filipinos (AKA The Mexicans of Asia), Indians (not the American ones), and Arab Muslims. There are surprisingly few black people in Folsom, possibly due to the lack of gangs in the area. The few black people that do live there are centers of attention for other people who want to know what black people look like and if they can really run as fast as everyone says they can.

Notable Residents[edit]

Nobody. Unless you're into tennis; then there's this asshole.

See also[edit]

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