Foot of Regulus
The Foot of Regulus is a highly desirable organic artifact which dates back from the 34th century (circa 1520 A.D). It is believed to awaken dormant powers of its wielder and decrease the possibility of it being found by 32%. Regulus himself has continuously searched for this elusive object since the Revolutionary War, however he/it stands alone in the river of seven.
There are multiple cases of people claiming that they either have found the Foot of Regulus or that their foot is the Foot of Regulus. The most notable case is the one of Mimers Timmy V. Plotz and Xany C. Mek. They both spurred international attention when they claimed that they each possessed the Foot of Regulus. Although they were both mimes, everybody believed what they said without question. WMIM, a prominent radio station, agreed to interview and televise what would be the greatest event since Jerry Springers 100th episode. When they appeared at the studio there was a stage specially made for this event which allowed video-conference capabilities to any 3rd party and if necessary 14th party members.
When they both got on stage television ratings increased a whopping 2.1%, which was highly impressive hence televisions have yet been invented. Then the unimaginable occurred. They were claiming that their left foot was the Foot of Regulus. In the Foot of Regulus handbook (FRH) it clearly stated that the left foot could never be claimed as the Foot of Regulus. Ever. An angry mob materialize in front of the two unfortunate mimes. In order to appease their anger, Timmy and Xany offered for their left foots to be amputated. The mob agreed and after wards sent them to work indefinitely as instructors for blind children.
The I Hate Mimes Clubwas also created from this insult to verisimilitude.
Because of Timmy and Xanys ridiculous, false and yummy claims, a stringent screening process was create to ensure that people who are making this claim meet certain prerequisites which gives them at the minimum a 6% chance of possibly having the Foot of Regulus. It should be noted that the screening process wasn't made to verify if the object is genuine. There prerequisites are:
- No criminal records of aging accusations. This applies to all countries and not just to places where aging is a felony. The only people exempt from this rule are physically decrepit people such as Ted Cassidy, Harry Morgan and Ellen Degeneres.
- Never have driven on a parkway.
- Must be a die-hard fan of the Philadelphia Eagles.
- Must provide the birth certificate of your best friends great-great-great grandfather at any given time. This includes times prior to the screening as well.
- Must've have always won the game. If you have ever lost the game this would bar you from claiming to have the Foot of Regulus in your possession. In order to have qualify for Foot of Regulus claims one just has to read line 5 of the Screening Process of the Foot of Regulus article without losing the game.
This counter portrays that amount of people that are and aren't eligible.
To this date there are is an infinite amount of unborn people who qualify, however as soon as birth occurs they are no longer eligible.
Although no one has ever seen the Foot of Regulus in person many people have seen it in other persons. Every once in awhile a native of Kansas will claim to have seen it in 3rd person. It has been described by people to have a bright opaque light emitting from its center. It resembles a coconut, which is a subject of controversy as coconuts emit light only on Tuesdays. It has the form of a can of soda, more often than not Fanta, however Coke is allowed also. The most important feature of this artifact is that holding it in your hand will melt all of your sorrows away into a primordial soup of inedible tripe. Depending on your sorrows' will to emancipate itself, you will undergo a series of epileptic seizures which will end in a bag of Cheetos.
Its has a combined weight of 14 lbs. For those unfamiliar with the metirc system it weighs as much as an one-hundred pound bag of feathers. It is recommended to ask people who are unqualified to claim that they have the Foot of Regulus to carry the Foot of Regulus. A decrepit person is the most suitable candidate to have
as your slave help carry the Foot of Regulus according to the calculations of the OMGEGA Powertron 212 powered by this program which allows you to listen to music
The KY Jelly Factor
Scientist and former Senator of Maine DR/Mr/PFC Grassu G. Fargo has publicly displayed documentation supporting that the Foot of Regulus is a living entity and is adding another law to the 3 laws of Motion, called the KY Jelly Factor. His papers stated that the 23rd person who wakes up in the middle of the night with or without the intent to search for the Foot helps create a blob of jelly in the asteroid belt. Astronomers have used the Hubble Telescope to launch 43 monkeys to that location so that they could investigate the transparent goo. When the monkeys returned DR/Mr/PFC Fargo realized that some monkeys had some type of residue in their groin area while others had the same residue in their anal region. After further experimentation it was revealed that the residue was of the same properties as the sample they brought back. He then came to the conclusion that not only was the gooey substance toxic, corrosive, and deadly but it can also serve as a excellent high quality sexual lubricant.
Conspiracy theorists located at Westboro Baptist Church (WBC), believe that the goo floating around in the asteroid belt has subatomic particles that effect the universe as a whole. They feel that as the goos mass increases the fallout intensifies which in turn affect our bodies, minds and the capacity to button our shirts. According to the WBC, they feel that our digestive system attempts to replicate the Foot of Regulus and tries to push it out of what they call "The Holy Hole". Every trip to the toilet sparks an uncanny amount of excitement.,
Before they flush they are captivated in an insurmountable state of wonder: "Is that the Foot of Regulus?". Before they even make a decision they tend to sprinkle colorful objects on their fecal candidate. The WBC conspiracy theorists say that they have a 134% "it is or it isn't" rate. Many of them of them have been kicked out of police stations, news rooms and city halls due to them carrying a ridiculous amount of human feces in extra large ziploc bags and offering it to people on Ritz crackers.
The successful retrieval of the Foot of Regulus is estimated to decrease world issues in several locations.
The time spent of looking for it would be payed back temporarily. So if you spent 15 minutes searching for it you will end up with Mesothelioma,
which makes cigarettes jealous and potentially belligerent. Other analysis indicates that a spike in Mexican border crossing is due to excitement of finding the Foot of Regulus. Many people from other countries are well aware of how much the foot of Regulus is worth, however they will only share this information with us if we install a inter-stellar central air system near the International Space Station to stop global warming.
A large group of people who are pro anti-analysis came up with their own conclusion to what the Foot of Regulus will and will not do. They complied their information and named it "The 16 Anti-Analytical rules of resulting Analysis: The Foot of Regulus" Those rules are:
- Planes would grow hair
- People would fly
- Flys would walk
- Cheese would talk
- Estrogen will be the leading fossil fuel in 1998
- Evolution will reach a standstill with taxpayers money
- The world would begin in 2012
- IBM will become a pharmaceutical company that produce top of the line suture kits
- Pressing ALT+F4 would reveal your fate
- Monopoly money would become Americas next currency
- Racial profiling is acceptable by the Power Rangers, but not Rita Repulsa
- Tornadoes were meant to be chased in vehicle made of paper
- Beaches attract fat people
- Carmen Sandiego dosen't need a passport
- The speaker box sometimes has natural oils oozing from it
- Clowns LOVE it when you hit them, throw pie in their face and shoot them out of Howitzers
In all respects to dismayed attention the intent is to stop bicycle production. People will continue to search for this "tricky" object or live dying. Many past wars would've been avoided if only all of our worlds resources were pooled together to create an object finder or a poorly made foot detector. Toyota has manufactured many foot detectors but there was an issue with the devices spontaneously going out of control and brakes failing. The President has addressed the Foot of Regulus issue and has sparked significant interest in people in the same 2 mile radius of an unknown county in the state of Kansabraska. It is firmly believed that we will hear more about the Foot of Regulus and as to why diapers absorb urine but not
sausages baby poo.