Footjob

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'A footjob is the act of pleasuring ones self by immersing ones feet in cake batter.It is believed to have originated in Lapland, as a diabolical method of torture devised by Santa (also more affectionately known as "Satan Claus", "that mad old bastard" and George Bush) and Betty Crocker, as punishment to naughty children. However, due to the mysterious way the mind works(ie:bdsm) It was discovered that this is actually a pleasurable expierence, and has been elevated to the status of shameful fetish ever since.

History[edit]

This practise is believed to have originated in 1750, when Santa just came to power as the materialistic overlord of presents. It was designed to combat the rising number of asbos being given out. It was first implemented in the case of "Timmy" (real name cannot be disclosed for legal reasons). His crime: being on the dreaded naughty list. The punishment reached a total of 14 million viewers on pay-per-view alone.

Relationship between Betty Crocker and Santa Claus[edit]

This diabolical coupling was created in the mid to late 1600's. Santa ws originally Setanta(not to be confused with the mighty, homoerotic Culchulainn of ye olde Irish lore), a blue collar worker from Mobil, Alabama. However, one day he was in a tragic accident, and recieved a potentially fatal blow to the head. Although it didn't kill him, it rendered him mentally impaired, and to this day he can't say anything other than "ho ho ho". Betty Crocked was the nurse tending to him (the nursing job provided easy access to drugs, a business which funded her first 3 divorces. But I digress....) They married on the sixth of June, 1666.

The Idea is spawned[edit]

Betty Crocker, in response to the graffitti problem among the nations young people in Lapland, decided to combine her two great loves: cooking, and sado-masochism.For the "benefit" of the young people, this punishment became administratable(phew!) by law. However, after a few months, this method of martial law came under scrutiny, and was investigated by Ghostbusters. It was then discovered that, due to the close proximity of the pleasure cortex and the pain cortex in the brain, the nerve messages were being confused, causing pleasure and, in some cases, leading to a full tantric orgasm.

How it became the Infamous Secret[edit]

Ever heard of Uwannah Muff? No? Well, she was an up and coming pornstar whose career was skyrocketing, when she agreed to perform a footjob on camera. However, christian groups denounced it as "wasteful" and "demeaning to cake batter". Because of these comments, Barney and Puff(the magic dragon) went back in time, and huffed her out of existence. As a result, no-one had publicly admitted to enjoying a footjob in 20 years.