Ford Trucks and Cars

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“Driver Returns On Foot”

~ A dyslexic Ford owner

“They've done everything you as a people asked. You wanted better towing capacity, they gave you bigger cars. You wanted better fuel economy, they gave you bigger cars.”

~ Unknown on Ford

“Ford-Fixed Or Repaired Daily”

~ The Dragon Man on Fords

“Found on Reservation Dump”

~ Sioux on Ford

Note: For minimal accurate information, please see the bottom of this article

Ford (wow this car is Falling apart On me and Rusting heavily while i drive it from the dealership to the Dump), spelled 4rd by retards, is the modern American vehicle of choice for cow-tipping.

The history of Ford dates back to the early 10th century when it magically evolved out of a primordial soup of motor grease and low quality amoebas. Ford was captured by the Turkish during the 15-second war, and then captured by Americans in the 100 years war. Ford was subsequently destroyed in WWXII in 1944AD by the armies of Chrysler Motors Co. and Vlad the Impala. However, the Japanese branch remained in production in Hiroshima, despite the 1945 bombings. The Americans then stole the technology from Japan and with the help of the Finnish Designer, Ydfgsk Qwertyspam, created the first Fjord. And by created we mean his cloning machine malfunctioned and spewed out junk which was then relabelled as Ford.

“ROMANCE is not to be found in a Ford car. The automobile is almost as deadly an enemy of adventure as the telephone and the radio. All of these instruments destroy loneliness, and there can be no romance, no adventure, no mystery, no poetry - none of the things which make life worth living - without loneliness. In spite of that, in older days about 50 percent of the American population was conceived in the backseat of a Model T-Ford.”

~ The Nation on Ford motorcars, 1923 [1]

Ford's slogan is Currently "Built Ford Tough". This is completely accurate. Fords start very reliably when they are connected with jumper cables to a Toyota and drive for many miles when attached to a tow-truck. Fords have been seen driving around with a whopping 500 miles on them, although servicing is required every 10 miles or so. Often, proud Ford owners like to stop on the side of freeways to let other drivers see the magnificient plumes of smoke rising from the engine. There are even dedicated Ford museums known as landfills.

Contents 1 Vehicles 2 Ford Slogans 3 Acronyms 4 Common features in modern Fords 5 See also

[edit] Vehicles

Ford vehicles custom-built for specialised purposes include:

• The Ford Taurus - was Ford's Hunk Of Shit from 1986 to 2007, and was reintroduced as a gas-guzzling, old people mobile in 2008.

• The Ford Aeroshit - introduced in 1986. Although everyone knew they were pieces of shit they kept them until 1997.
• The Ford Feces
  

  
• The Ford Escort - an oversized automobile manufactured specifically by monkeys and people named Henry Ford, travelling to see their babysitters. Its primary characteristics are that it is smaller and cheaper than the pimpmobile, leaving its occupant with the impression that she has somehow been screwed over once again.
• The Ford Falcon - The Ford Falcon is Ford's main large vehicle, created in 1960, to combat imports. Now only available in Australia and famously known as the ugliest car ever designed in Australia, the AU Falcon is still laughed at every time it is observed on roads from Sydney to the Outback. Some have said the AU Falcon actually caused the global financial crisis, others suggest that had it been around in the late 1800s Hitler's parents would have been so put off by the car they would never have engaged in intercourse. The Falcon was rejected as the car being used in the Steven King Movie- Christine as he did not know a good car when he saw one- as well as the fact one chased him back home.
  
  

  

  The latest model of the classic Ford G (GAY)-Series.
  This car has been associated with so many automotive legends and has been spotted photographed near the, Loch Ness, Manchu Pichu, Lindy Chamberlain, Chopper Reid, Aunty Jack, Mad Max James and the giant peach, Paul Bunyan, Goldie Locks, the big bad pigs and many other lists and conspiracy theorists seem to go on without end. Frequently referred to the last of the good fords- the closest being the Model T.
• The Ford XR6 Star Fighter - The XR6 turbo was Ford's answer to the Empire's TIE fighter and Rebel Alliance's X-Wing Interceptor. It is a favorite among pyromaniacs, schizophreniacs, sadists and Americans.
• The Ford Laser V31000 HP 200 - Ford Falcon, equipped with laser headlamps to blind pedestrians before running over them. However, this model will break down after driving 10 meters or less, so pedestrian safety is not an issue.
• The Ford G-Series - A series of full-sized pedal powered Pickup trucks of varying Plastic colors and bell noise types, manufactured since 1948. A well-known example of these trucks are the Ford tow trucks used in the TV Show The AAA-Team. Also has been accepted as the de-facto dominant hillbilly truck found in the parking lots of Klan meetings. North of the Mason Dixie line, Ford contracts include a strict clause regarding what kind of man may drive F-series vehicles which is enforced by the police.

• The Ford Fairmont - A Ford Falcon with a 6 disc CD player, leather and two snobs in the front seats.
• The Ford Festival - The first nuclear-capable Ford vehicle ever sold to the public. The response was so immense that an entire continent, Australia, had to be converted into a landfill to store these suckers.
• The Ford Tempo - Used to transport homosexual musicians on their way back from a bad acid trip
• The Ford Territory - A mid-sized SUV that's shit-scared to venture off-road, pisses itself when forced to and hence marking its territory. It is hugly hated by the Public of Australia, even though fucktards still buy them.
• The Ford Asploder - A car that worked great in Jurrasic Park, but randomly asplodes during driving.

• The Ford Crown Victoria Police Interceptor A car that cops use for chasing/running down kitten huffers and Xbox 360 owners, on foot. If hit from a rear-end collision, the resulting explosion can decimate up to 800 city blocks.
• The Ford Pinto Bean - Using a hybrid external combustion engine the Ford Pinto Bean became widely used as Powerful Incendiary Napalm-Technology Ordnance in the Country's defence from Ralph Nader's presidential ambitions. Not only was the Pinto used for defense of consumerists but became the main vehicle in trucking businesses that would soon be destroyed and created by CEO of Toyota. If you leant on the back seat it would go up like a barn and you would be charcoal. During the International Auto Show in Detroit in January 1979, Ford VP of Design Del Murdock was getting increasingly agitated by allegations that the Pinto was a high risk vehicle. Murdock pleaded with the press; "Listen! There is nothing at all wrong with the Ford Pinto. It is not a hazard. It is not a risk. It is a good car". Somebody then gently bumped into Mr. Murdock and he exploded, with bits of his polyester suit strewn all over the place. The Ford Pinto Bean was used extensively in the Iraq war to bomb underground bunkers.
• The Ford Torino - A full-sized car with good performance. A well-known example is the 1974-1976 Gran Torino from Starsky & Hutch.
• The Ford Prefect included a book with an ARM micro-based device ("The Thumb") to hitchhike rides from passing spacecraft when broken down at roadside.
• The Ford L-Series was a series of heavy-duty trucks made since 1970. People who drive these are losers.
• The Ford Excursion was a full-size passenger vehicle bigger than a tank meant to carry a soccer mom and a maximum of one child, to and from soccer practice. It had an amazing 15 gallons per mile of gasoline fuel consumption.
• The Ford Scorpion was perhaps the worlds most ugly car to date, also known as the frog sucking a prune.
• The Edsel was the first American made space car. Never seen since. One day it will return the legend says.
• The Ford Ka is perhaps the best Ford to date, because it is so small that it cannot be seen with the naked eye. Ford's marketing department ran out of names, so they simply called it 'Car'. Renault claimed to own the copyright to the word 'car', however, so they were forced to spell it wrong to avoid legal action.
• The Ford Focus - Ford's designers created this vehicle during their first moment of clarity. Too cheap for the rich, too expensive for the poor and a blantant copy of Crapmobile's Feces, this car has somehow managed to invade every country in the Western hemisphere despite having no apparent redeeming qualities. It's blandness has made it an instant hit with Midlanders.
• The Ford Transit is a giant carboard box on wheels.
• The Ford Contour/Mercury Mystique were the dynamic duo originally engineered by Yugo. Ford was so enamoured by the forward-thinking engineering of this vehicle that they immediately purchased the design, rights to produce and tooling from Yugo. Ford produced this passenger car from 1901 through 2005, where it won Consumer's Report's "Best Vehicle EVER" award for every year it was produced. For the 104 years the Contour/Mystique were made over 1,2oo,ooo,ooo units were sold.
• The Ford W-Series is another giant box on wheels, made for the American market. This one is a heavy-duty cabover made since 1966. People who drive these are winners.
• The Model T Ford was only available as a black van driven by Mr. T of the A Team.
• The Ford Mustang is the first vehicle made by Harrison Ford. Made in 2082AD as a racing car named after a horse with small feet. nowere on the vehicle does it say "FORD" as the very logo- says everything- horsepower- it just has pictures of small horses- with the horse rider hiding under the bonnet.
• The Ford Fiesta - small, underpowered and poorly equipped, the Fiesta is made extremely popular by its name, which not only refers to a type of celebration in which nudity is enforced, but also invokes memories of a 1960s softcore pornography magazine of the same name.
• The Ford AU Falcon Wagon (on gas) a magical car, able to tow heavy loads with its wondrously modern leaf springs and live axle, immune to petrol pricing changes, wonderful interior build, familiar to all who have travelled in some immigrant's smelly taxi, the answer to a problem that has yet to be asked, an aspirational car for many who should know better
• The Ford Thunderboyd was a Ford vehicle designed by Boyd Coddington when he was listening to AC/DC's 'Thunderstuck'. The infamous prototype has the name 'Thundaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah aaaaaaaaRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!' written on it's hood--Rapidchoper 04:53, 3 June 2008 (UTC)--Rapidchoper 04:53, 3 June 2008 (UTC).
• The Ford Fluke was built to celebrate Ford's first win at Bathurst since 1998.
• The Ford Mundano is a favorite of sales persons the world over. In many developed countries it is illegal to drive these in any other place than the outside lane of a motorway and may not be further than three thousandths of an inch from the car in front.
• The Ford C-Series was a small cabover truck made from 1957 to 1990. It's crap, and that's all I have to say about it.
• The Ford Fusion is an obvious knockoff on the Gillete Fusion shaver. Ford was even nice enough to include Gillete Fusion's razor blades on the Ford Fusion's grill. Ford wants you to think that it's powered by a prototype Fusion Reactor.
• The Ford Pusstang is an alternative name for the Mustang. If you cannot get any driving one- well there is something wrong.
• The "Ford Windstar" is the only known van to combine rust with shit, and slap it onto wheels.
• The "Ford Explorer" is the vehicle that carries numerous amounts of people, particularly hoes and prostitutes, usually drivin by a pimp! the SUV is also been nicknamed the exploder for all the recalls on its gas tank, due to randomly exploding while drivng.
• The Ford Ice Cream Truck is a truck that can hold ice-cream.The car drives like a Ford Pinto.WTF?The truck was made in 1977 and ice cream was called IScream.
• The ford lloyd Carr The Lloyd Carr (also called the "Carr" for short or "The Joey Harrington" mockingly) is a vehicle that was created by the Ford Motor Company in 1995. It was advocated by the University of Michigan. Ironically, Michigan sued Ford Motor Company for naming the car after a guy instead of a girl, which they called "sexist shit!!"
• The "Ford Probe" also know as the anal probe, was brought to you from the creaters of trojan anal lube. The only good thing these cars could do was to probe Harrison Fords anal Cavity. Best wrapped in toilet paper.
• The Ford Siesta named because you can have a siesta between the time you press the accelerator and the time the car gets up to a decent speed.
• The F6 typhoon made by FPV (Fuckin' Poofy Vehicles) is a xr6 turbo on steriods, it has had so many roids its testicles have shriveled and fallen off.
• The FPV GT falcon by FPV is a car which ford created to compete with Holden's HSV. (They failed) The GT was never a good car coz its V8 engine sucks so bad. Bogans have even found out that the engine is just 2 recycled Hyundai Getz Engines bolted togerther with V8 stickers on it, but they never said anything about it to save FPV's ball sucking reputation. Despite its worst appearance and everything about it, it has been claimed many bogans think its the best ford ever.
• Ford Transit - a van that always brakes down when you think about it. Micheal Jackson Owns a 1986 Ford Transit, which he uses to park in front of primary schools and offer candy to little kids, then takes them into the van for rape & sodomy.
• Ford Orion Falcon (FG Falcon), it kinda sucks... Toyota stole the early drawings of the Ford Orion concept vehicle in 2003 and spent 3 years developing a clone, but got nowhere close to the real Orion Falcon. What's worse is that they took the G-Series name from America, and henceforth, the FG Falcon becomes gay itself.
• The Ford FEV Offers instant mutant powers to the driver

• Ford Safety Bike, a pedal bike advertised as "Ford's most fuel efficient vehicle, all because it is a zero-emission vehicle. It is also ford's most reliable and least expensive vehicle (by all moneytary dynamics). Comes with automobile headlights to conform to DOT approval code!

[edit] Ford Slogans

• More fuel efficient than the Hummer!
• Now with fewer asplosions!
• Now with a new deep frier!
• Now only 1 in 3 get cancer!
• Now accomodates 1.5 Americans!

• Please buy our vehicular transportation device
• Take the Ford Challenge... once you get in, it's already a Challenge!
• Dear God kill me please
• Don't be a Communist
• I want my Freedom Ford
• The ozone hole will grow back
• Ford Ute: now targeting metrosexuals
• New Falcon: can't get enough wanking to this car's image in a catalog...
• Nothing drives like a Falcon.. nothing, wait isn't a falcon a fucking bird?
• Holy Fuck Its Gonna Blow

[edit] Acronyms

• For Only Re tared Drivers
• Failure Of Research & Development

• Followers On Race Day

• Fixed Or Repaired Daily

• Found On Road Dead

• Found On Retard's Driveway

• Fucked On Race Day

• Former Owners Reccomend Dodge

• Found On Rubbish Dumps

• Fucker Only Runs Downhill

• Ford Owners Recommend Dodge

• Footstep Of Rhino's Destruction

• Faggy Oriental Rabbi's Dope

• Flip Over, Read Directions

• Fucked Over, Rebuilt Dodge

• Fags On Racism And Drugs

• Flipped Over Reservation Decorator

• Fat Obese Rally Drivers

And F.O.R.D. backwards is D.R.O.F.

• Driver Returns On Foot

• Dumb Retarts Own Fords

Don't buy a Toyota; we're not bankrupt yet!

[edit] Common features in modern Fords

• ABS - Anti-breaking system. This ensures the maximum damage in a collision (will be available starting fall 09').
• Crumple zones - areas of the car that crumple in order to allow the other car involved to crush the passengers
• Fog lights - these give the effect of driving in thick fog to reduce driver visibility - making it 10 times easier to hit pedestrians (Northerners)
• L.E.D. (Laser Emitting Device) lamps - emits rays of laser to blind pedestrians and drivers - before running them over
• Air conditioning - Used to condition the air
• Heated seats - this is used for cooking. Gives perfect golden brown rump streaks in 10 minutes
• Side Curtain Air Bags - Airbags meant to keep the curtains on the side windows safe during a collision
• Variable Intermitten Wipers - A mechanical arm dressed in a mitten lifts up to wipe your bottom in case you can't find a rest stop while driving
• 60/40 rear folding seats - Your choice of either 40 or 60 spare rear folding seats in case the factory-installed rear folding seats have a problem
• Heated rear windscreen - this is not used as a demister,its used to fog up the windows when trying to reverse [can be countered with a windscreen wiper or a spell of destroy fog for 30 mana]
• CD Player - A Machine that holds a CD, but doesn't play any music.
• SYNC - A fancy way to pronouce "sink". A sink is installed in the center console to clean up blood after a collision.
• Factory sticker of the boy from Calvin & Hobbs urinating on another car brands badge, choice of carbrand being pissed on optional *option only available in the S.Western US and Southern states.
• Bicycle Tires - Not optional. These factory installed bicycle tires replace the regular ones. Note: NOT stolen from little girls' bikes.
• 5 star NCAP - Oh that was just a sticker to fool retards into buying Fords.
• Cup Holders - it comes as a $1000 optional feature, though many are incapable of holding any drinks, it was only installed to look good for inspectors. Comes with another optional $500 upgrade to beer-bottle holders.
• Digital odometer - Counts upto the useful life of the car (50 miles max).
• Dimming rear-view mirror - Prevents glare by turning off when a car or pedestrian approaches from behind.
• Turbo-charged V12 engine - +0.4 HP, -100mpg
• Remote ignition key - Pressing it will cause the car to burst into flames. Alternatively, you can drive it for 10 miles.
• Mood lighting - Changes the mood from frustrated to angry to rage-a-holic.

[edit] See also

• Car manufacturers
• Car salesmen
• Crapmobile
• Gerald Ford
• Henry Ford
• Harrison Ford
• Fnord (nonexistent)
• V8 Supercars