Forest Whitaker

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Forest Whitaker is a mildly retarded Klingon who was abandoned on Earth by his fraternity brothers during spring break. His real name, Sa'Gagh McGillicutty, translates roughly as "one with lazy eye". Although lacking any discernible personality or charisma, and in spite of a persistent drooling problem, Whitaker has become a powerful actor via his habit of stalking and killing more famous actors, then eating their hearts to gain their strength.

[edit] Acting Career

Whitaker has played hitmen, soldiers and warlords, despite being so overweight that he gets out of breath every time he blinks. And although Hollywood rides this guy's jock like crabs on Paris Hilton, calling him the greatest actor of his generation, he evidently chooses roles with a blindfold and a dartboard. This incompetent management of his "career" has allowed abortions like Jean-Claude Van Damme, John Travolta and Colin Farrell to continue making movies when they should be working the grill line at the local Applebees.

The real reason for Whitaker's apparent lack of discretion in choosing roles is that he has not actually worked in over twenty years. Instead, he peels a few pounds of fat from his midsection, throws it in the back of a limousine, and sits back and waits for the check to clear. In 1991, six pounds of Whitaker's thigh muscle won a Golden Globe for portraying a noble retarded football player; in 2006, one of his bowel movements married Pamela Anderson and fathered a child. The real Forest Whitaker has been living on a Caribbean island, snorting lines of powdered sugar and boinking preteens in the poop chute.

And as if all this wasn't enough, Whitaker directed First Daughter as revenge for not getting the last pudding pop in the refrigerator.

[edit] Selected Filmography

- Fat Times at Ridgemont High (1982)

- I Just Had A Heart Attack (1985)

- Bloodsport (1988)

- Species (1995)

- What's Up With My Eye? (1997)

- Gimme A Drool Cup (1998)

- Light It Up (1999)

- Twinkies: How They Delight Me So (2000)

- Battlefield Earth (2000)

- Four Dogs Playing Poker (2000)

- Watch Me Hump This Honey-Baked Ham (2001)

- Last Doughnut in Scotland (2006)

- It's Motherfucking Oscar Time, Bitches (2007)

This article needs more work. See ICU and below for details. This page will be re-checked on 19 February 2007 (tagged 12 February), and if not improved will face deletion.

This page seems to be lacking in humor or satire. Try to make sure that: Lots of people will find it funny. You know what funny is. The humor in it is original and inspired. It has soul to go with its body. If you need help, try asking someone for suggestions.