Forest of Dean
The Royal Forest of Dean is a geographical, historical, cultural and mythological region in the county of Gloucestershire, England. It is a roughly triangular area bounded by the River Why to the west and north, the River Severn (not to be confused by the all powerful 7) to the south, and the City of Gloucester to the east.
The Royal Forest of Dean, or "The Forest" for short is inhabited by humanoid creatures with extra senses and stronger bodies. These creatures communicate in a similar language to our own, characterised with "OOO ARRR" sounds. even though the entire area has been cordoned off by nearly every goverment department in britian farmers still venture inside the forest to collect supplies from the local store (spar) for provisions and some whisky.
- Incidentally, it's not actually a Royal forest any longer, and cannot be officially referred to as such. Still, every bit of
victim enticementtourist literature uses the term.
The Forest is steeped in history. The Royal Forest of Dean was first created when a genetic experiment went horribly wrong. For a while, there was a dark cloud covering the area where no human life could grow, so many beautiful plants grew and were unharmed. Legend has it that just two humans (a brother and sister) survived and re-populated the area.
The forest is named after Dean Martin. He has nothing to do with the forest, and has never been there. It was just named after him.
Three. There are also numerous villages, with names such as The Pludds, Green Bottom and Turner's Tump. Nobody except the residents of these villages can ever find them. People who accidentally stumble upon villages in the Forest never leave.
Commonly known as the anus of the universe. Perched on the west side of Littledean Hill, it would have spectacular views of the Black Mountains and Brecon Beacons if all the other hills and trees weren't in the way. Ditto the River Severn to the South. The entire town is grey. Attempts to make the town centre ("The Triangle") more attractive have failed, as the new buildings are also grey. Popular sports include stabbing, and killing bears then blaming a nearby village for the act.
Coleford is the spiritual home of the Forest, combining a branch of Tesco Express, along with Nightclub Magnums, winner of the "Sticky Carpet of the Year" award for the last umpteen years. Situated above the Angel pub, Magnums mixes some of the worst music ever known to man, with those "OOOO ARRRR" sounds ever so typical of the Forest.
The administrative headquarters of the Vorest are to be found in Coleford. This is especially easy in winter, as it’s the only part of Coleford where the snow gets cleared. Many important things happen here and momentous decisions concerning the nature of the Vorest are taken. Of particular importance is the planning of housebuilding. Due to the location, between two rivers, it has always been important that any possibility of flooding be averted. In times past, Developers were required to supply the Planners with earthworks to keep the water back, known locally as ‘Bunds’. At some point it is thought that a misspelling occurred and nowadays developers provide planners with 'Bungs' (see photo). The residents of Lydney have found out that Bungs are not very effective at keeping the water out of their houses but are very effective at keeping anyone at the Council to whom they might complain, away on extended holidays.
It's debatable whether Lydney is truly a part of the Forest. However, the Dean Forest Steam Railway runs to the town, so it's vaguely accepted. The town was the anus of the universe until the bypass was built, at which point everything stopped passing through, allowing Cinderford to gain this accolade.
The humanoids in the forest all walk around without clothing, but this confuses some people as their skin resembles clothing. Dean is well known for its birds - the Pidget (which requires a magic carpet to fly, as it is merely a pigeon head with some feet - note that this species has nothing to d0 with the Pigeon Mafia), the Phoenux (similar to the mythological Phoenix, except minus the fire, resurrections and appearance) and the Deathbird, which brings death to any who it flies above. Note that there are only 7 of each type of bird in the forest. Gorsty knoll is famed for its glowing snot creatures and Woorgreens lake for its flying green sticks.
Cameras in the Trees
Rumour has it that there are a number of cameras in the trees in the forest. Not CCTV - disposable holiday cameras. Supposedly they were dropped there when a camera delivery Helicopter flew by with the boot open.
If born within the Hundred of St Briavels - an ancient temple in the forest, you are classed as a true Forester. This classification bestows a unique right for males who are over 21 and have worked in a mine for a year and a day - they can register to be a freeminer. Wow! Residents of the Hundred who are over 18 can also eat the grass in the Forest.
The battle cry of the Forester is "Nooot fraaarm round yur are yer?", and the mating call is "Rachel! Git over yur!".
Local people are distinguishable due to the "OOOOO ARRRR" noises mentioned earlier, as well as the unmistakable stench. This is because Foresters are only allowed by law to wash once every calendar year. This sometimes causes problems due to no-one actually knowing what the time is, let alone where abouts they are in the year. Foresters count the passing of years by referring to the number of fingers they have lost in wood cutting accidents. Once a Forester has only two remaining fingers he is called stewpid arse by his peers.
The typical life cycle of a Forester is quite different to the usual human, with a gestation period of only two hours. Because of this, it is usually good to have a midwife handy, stay in a hospital the night you get close, or simply do it with allowance for enough time to obtain either of the aforementioned; a midwife or a hospital.
Upon birth, a forester is covered with a furry down, and lacks many appendages typically accociated with a homo sapien; namely genitals, and digits (These may grow, but do not in many children. The typical period for this is 6-18). Instead of crying upon birth, the child will respond the excess amounts of methane and chlorine ammonium sulphate in the air and make a cry somewhat simmilar to the combined cries of a fully grown parrot and a newborn ostritch. Why this is is unknown. Several hours after delivery, the child will require its first feeding. It is advised that such a child should be force-fed milk, lest it sever the mother's arteries when biting on the nipples during feeding, and become addicted to the taste of blood. Once this has been achieved, the child will either assert its dominance over its siblings (if present), or submit and allow it to be the subject of its siblings sexual whims.
From the age of six and above, the child is considered fully developed, having lost its furry down and having grown an equally disgusting mane, although it will not be able to speak 'comprehensibly' until at least age twenty. At the age of six, the child communicates with its bretheren through frequency modulation of the term "OOOOOO AAAAAARRR", which is usually only comprehensible to the natives. This child may leave the sanctuary of the forest, although it will usually be advised to wear clothes. Since no clothes exist naturally in the forest, they are forced to sew clothes from the chaeve plant (pronounced chayv), and the clothes have mutated through their language to reach the term chav, or chavvy.
To socially integrate with the outside world, the forester will attempt to imitate the humans inhabiting it, and may adorn false digits or apendages, shave their mane and other existing fur, and bathe in the blood of humans, to remove or mask their own stench. Grasping English is difficult for Foresters, but they typically have a full understanding by the age of eleven. Since their in-bred nature is well known by outsiders, they have trouble making freinds or close freinds, but can typically win out with their sexual prowess or feral instinct. If a dispute over territory occurs over this stage, they may either fight unofficial combat with their claws and teeth at a place of their choosing, or engage in ritual combat in the sacred plains of Lydney, where they may spend thier lifetime attempting to catch their foe and cannibalise their corpse in triumpth.
Once the Forester has reached the age of 30, (and has not died through genetic diseases/conditions), they are considered elders; and are in a far superior position to attract a mate. Unfortunately, they are so warped and disgusting, this mate must come from their homeland.