Fort-Coulonge

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“Yé mort s'à drave”

~ Oscar Wilde on Fort-Coulonge

Fort Coulonge is the Pot capital of North America located in the province of Quebec. Over two-thirds of the population is high at any given point in the day. Every fifth house is home to at least one marijuana pusher. The current mayor is Chester Cheetos.

[edit] History

Around 1690ish, Nicklebag L'imbécile deCoulonge was cruising down the Ottawa River on his X-wing, when he stopped for munchies at a McDonald's restaurant on mouth of the Coulonge River. (This area is now known as Stoners' Point.) Amazed that he had come across a river that had his name, he established a fort there using radioactive beavers as slave laborers. He then sent word to his Voyageur buddies in Montreal to come settle at the fort, where he had hoped to rule as king. However, the Voyageurs were so drunk on La Maudite beer, that they landed their canoe in a swampy area 5 miles east of the fort. The camp they built there quickly grew into the town of Fort Coulonge, as mosquito bites were quite fashionable in those days.

The first paper mill was built in the 1800s commissioned by ZIG ZAG. In 1923, the company successfully lobbied (or bribed) government officials to declare Fort Coulonge a "joint safe" zone, where anyone could roll and smoke whatever they chose. Before marijuana became popular, it was not uncommon to see citizens smoking belly-button lint, crow feathers, and ground-up DVDs. The majority of the population switched to grass however in the late 60s when the Great Molson Famine made alcohol scarce for many years across the nation.

[edit] Attractions

• Bogart's Memorial Zoo, home to several extinct species, including the extremely rare pigeon
• Joni Mitchell's Tree Museum
• The Kennedy Spaced-Out Centre
• Davis Corner, this was the site of the infamous battle between french and english forces that determined the outcome of the colonial wars(Most historians incorrectly cite this battle as having taken place on the Plains of Abraham in Québec City but this is due to most historians having inhaled excessive amounts of library dust). For many years this is where the city concil meetings took place. The site is currently an empty lot where Jimmy Hoffa is rummored to be buried. An 80,000 seat capacity arena called Red Bennet Memorial Rink is scheduled to be built on the site and will be home to the town's NHL franchise, the 47 time Stanley Cup champions The Draveurs.

Fort Coulonge also hosts an elaborate Halloween parade each year on February 30th.

Fort-Coulonge also has fireworks all year round.

[edit] Former Mayors

Local officials in Fort Coulonge don't need to be residents of the town, and are often elected to office without their knowledge. Past mayors include:

• Woody Harrelson
• Cheech Marin (twice)
• Tommy Chong (6 times)
• The Cookie Monster
• Bob Marley
• George Carlin
• The Hamburglar
• The entire cast of That 70's Show
• Elvis Gratton
• Jos Montferrand
• Homer Simpson

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