Fort James

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Fort James (pronounced FORT-TA JAMES-SA when deaf people are present and wish to mess with you) was a major rebel base located between the Tigris and Mississippi Rivers during the Spanish-French War. It is most notable for being the last position held by Colonel Perkins IV before being completely bombarded into dust, the make shift trading post of the Somewhat Enlightened One, and the final resting place of Felicity Magpipe, the Woman Without a Period.


The Fort's Inception[edit]

As a full description of Fort James' actual history and location would raise several bemused eyebrows from the current archeological and historical communities, only a synopsis will be presented here in this article.

Fort James was established during the Hellenistic Period of Space and Time, though many have speculated that a glint had already proverbially formed several years before within the eye of the Spanish military leaders upon seeing the vast land of the New World with all its natural resources unravished. To date, the lead architect on the design of the structure has yet to step forward, owing most likely to a rather long term case of "death" he may have contracted. Though there still is held an annual meeting by the "Dead but Still Kicking", or DSK, Organization in which his name is repeatedly called out in a Ferris Beuller like fashion.

Therefore, the succession of the title "Head Architect" for the fort falls to one Gomer Diddileedoo, even though he has been put on record as having "nothing to do with that monstrosity." Gomer Diddileedoo, incidentally, is also allegedly connected to the Soap Box Derby That Never Was, a boy scout wet dream turned legend still whispered about today.

The Fort itself is made mostly out of bricks and mortar, but quite clearly can be shown to violate most modern day building codes, not to mention the laws of reality, with its liberally applied amounts of Elmer's Glue, chewing gum, and what can only be described as "a big friggin string barely holding the whole thing together."

It was built in exactly eleven days, three hours, and a "turn an' a 'alf on the old sundial."

Colonel Perkins IV[edit]

Most will vaguely remember the late Colonel as a jolly old fellow, one who likes his cocoa hot and his Japanese wife in jail. It isn't necessarily that he was a person of extreme or even mild importance, but rather that he had a funny way with words, especially when he was just about to die. In fact, he has been credited as having 17 different famous last words, each of which he will most assuredly tell you happened not a moment before his incipient ending.

A few of these last words are written here.

  • "To die, to live, to fight the good man's fight. If only I had a nickel... I could fling it at the guy who stuck that phrase in my head and tell him to get a real job."
  • "Death and taxes are inevitable. Especially when they are the only escape from my nagging wife."
  • "Time is of the essence, for if we don't act fast, I may miss my chance... Only three easy payments for 19.95..."
  • "Prepare yourself for the coming of The Lord. Whoops! And there he goes again..."
  • "Oh, Crap."

(NOTE: The final famous last words have also been attributed to several other people, most often by a scientific researcher just before The Break Through of the Century... through his study wall.)

It has been, however, confirmed that Mr. Perkins did indeed die at Fort James during the Battle of Mild Effort. Several sources close to the Colonel claimed that he was shot three times with a blunderbuss, stabbed, tarred and feathered, and then drawn and quartered. One captured prisoner recalls asking the French why they had been so brutal to the poor man, in which they responded rather gruffly "He wouldn't shut up about the last time he was almost killed... We just wanted to make sure that we got him this time through," before hastily changing the subject.

He was, unfortunately, never quoted as actually having a famous last phrase, which left the epitaph on his tombstone to read “Here lies the late Colonel R. D. Perkins IV, (Ellipses)”.

The Somewhat Enlightened One[edit]

Not to be confused with the Totally Enlightened One, the SEO is the only known living practitioner of the religion Gunpowder and Explosives. While many have avidly sought an audience with the SEO, most of the religious elite have been caught saying they “don’t like the methods of this wanna be hoakster.”

And they may have a valid point when it comes down to it. Sources close to the SEO confirm that many times he “just likes to blow sh#! up. Just for the fun of it. All in the name of religious tolerance. God I wish I had a license to do that.” However, despite being allegedly connected to several disturbing and frighteningly hilarious explosions of would be criminals just after they think they have escaped unscathed from a major caper, the SEO has only ever actually claimed responsibility for three highly publicized detonations.

The First of Three (as he writes in his religious text, the Book of the Forbidden) involved “a ménage a trios consisting of a roguishly good-looking fellow (that’s me), a back-stabbing politician, and his grandma.” He later goes on to explain that the reason he chose to include the grandma in the operation was “Because, well obviously, she was the brains behind the whole operation. I thought that was plain as day to anyone with a pair of eye balls.”

The Second of Three actually involved several simultaneous explosions, each of which was well documented at the end of the movie Fight Club. And The Third of Three is a private affair that only the SEO knows about. So mind your own business why don’t you?

Other tenets of the faith Gunpowder and Explosives include the use of dynamite, nitroglycerin, and C4 plastic explosives in the operation of religious ceremonies, all of which are highly classified.

It is, however, widely believed that the SEO has a trading post stealthily hidden somewhere inside the ruins of Fort James, so as to fund his Campaign Against People with Too Much Money (CAP TOMM), a public finance campaign which has no official purpose connected with Tom Brokaw.

Felicity Magpipe[edit]

She is the only girl ever recorded to never have had a period. She did, however, still become extremely hopped up on estrogen once a month, leading researchers to ponder new theories about what really causes women to be “so bitchy.” Deciding that she was truly a plague upon society, men everywhere called for her immediate cover up. This led to the massive publicity fiasco of The Unwanted Woman, which has since left men in the dog house and woman “out there with her friends, laughing.” --squinty eyes and a grunt-- She died on April 32nd, 1965, and at the request of her husband, was buried at the last place he would think to go to in order to visit her. Thus, she was buried at Fort James.

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