Forum:Captions needed for Do You Care entries - grab some front-page glory

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Note: This topic has been unedited for 4813 days. It is considered archived - the discussion is over. Do not add to unless it really needs a response.

72 - ENeGMA
50 - High Gen. Grue
25 - Thekillerfroggy
25 - Electrified mocha chinchilla
24 - Cap'n Ben
14 - Strange But Untrue
12 - Ljlego
9 - Enzo Aquarius
7 - Zombiebaron, Kingkitty, Wehpudicabok
6 - Rcmurphy

Template:DidYouKnow (also called Do You Care) needs many captions. The purpose of this template is to highlight a featured article in each entry, as opposed to template:DYK, which is for general-purpose humor. Both templates appear on the main page, but DidYouKnow is missing... er... most of the entries that should be on it. So I need people to write captions for the featured articles that are not yet in the template. You, yes you, can make your mark on the famed Main Page of Uncyclopedia. So get to it, comrades. The list of articles that need captions appears below - just write your caption under the appropriate link. The only thing I ask is that you make the caption actually relate to the article it links to. In other words, try to be at least a little familiar with the article's actual content. Stealing lines from the article itself is perfectly acceptable if you feel lazy. —rc (t) 19:57, 16 July 2007 (UTC)

Getting close, guys, getting close... —rc (t) 03:43, 18 July 2007 (UTC)

And Thekillerfroggy puts us over the top! Thanks to all participants, we can do this all over again next year. —rc (t) 04:26, 24 July 2007 (UTC)



Current "Do You Care"s


  • ...that speech to text software and is a tool used to convert the spoken word into text format buyer at Compu term macro phone backspace a Computer microphone question mark
  • ... about Alliteration articulating an artistic approach aimed at annotating and arranging alphabetic accoutrements as alarmingly asinine alignments?
  • ...that a Cabbage can kill you just by looking at you funny? They rip people in half all the time, and roll around in their bloody entrails. They wouldn't even think twice about tearing off your arm, and jamming it through your eyesocket so that the fingers are sticking out your mouth, and then kicking you in the nuts, which would make you BITE YOUR OWN FINGERS OFF. The purpose of the cabbage is to flip out and KILL.
  • ...that, according to Aesop, a tortoise and a hare agreed to race? The hare took off at a tremendous pace, but lay down to sleep on the way. The slow but steady tortoise thus emerged victorious. Moral: Tortoises frequently carry rohypnol. Never leave your drink unattended when tortoises are about.
  • ...that, according to the DPRK, "Kim Jong-Il is regarded by many as the greatest being that the entirety of humanity has ever seen?
  • ...that Afghanistan is a country located in Central Asia and in the Middle East, serving as a vital bridge between “nations that like to blow themselves up” and “nations that nobody really cares about"?
  • ...that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?
  • ...that air is a fictional substance that was once believed to fill the space above the surface of the Earth? While this "air theory" was once used to explain various phenomena, air theory, at last refuted, has joined the gene, the atom, Antarctica, and the free lunch in a long list of scientific red herrings.
  • ...that Alternative Medicine is a broad term describing those things which differ from actual medicine, which is hopelessly unhip and square. None of them are quite as healthy as you putting the bong down and getting some fresh air and exercise, but what are the odds of that happening?
  • ...that Anonymous has written over 4,323,904,528 poems and 23,900,241 short stories, among a million other kinds of written word?
  • ...that as soon as you compare someone to Hitler, you lose the argument immediately, the thread closes, and you are Banned from the Internet? Proposing war for the purity of the Aryan blood is an effective way to trick your opponent into comparing you with Hitler; you will also win a Certificate of Hitlertude.
  • ...that Ayn Rand's Fountainhead Earth series achieved negative sales, with critics sending their copies back as returns and more copies being remaindered than were actually printed?
  • ...that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?
  • ...that dentists have admitted that, thanks to the invention of the electric toothbrush, they are now pretty much useless? Many only survive by living on the street and collecting donations from people who give them money because they don't realize that they are dentists.
  • ...that Emoticonics, a well regarded and inconcievable science with a rich history and creamy centre, was established in the early eighteen sixty ones by Anonymous and was initially concerned almost entirely with developing a method for the faceless to convey emotion? ;)
  • ...that, originally formed to distribute Harry Potter slash/fiction, was created by Josef Mengele as a means to test the limits of human endurance?
  • ...that Fecal E.Coli is the flagship product of the legendary Coca Coli Company?
  • ... that Gödel's famous Incompleteness Theorem states that no Talk page is ever complete? He proved it by the diagonalization method, forming a diagonal string of comments of "we should end this discussion now" entries. This result was later improved on by repeatedly adding of "Shut up".
  • ...that God is possibly the best known fictional entity on Earth after the Beatles? He was elected to be our god for the 2006th year running this year, barely beating the Egyptian sun god Ra, Omnipotent Odin, and the Almighty Prune (still recovering from alcoholism). He is also dog spelled backwards.
  • ...that in 2001 George W. Bush passed the No Child Left Behind Act, which forbids soldiers in Iraq from leaving their children behind?
  • ...that in German, you can easily wordyouanywaylikesentencetogetherputtingbybuild? In fact, it's mandatory. Talk like Yoda and take out the spaces.
  • ...that in late 2001, President Bush declared total war on Planet Earth and all nation states and ecosystems harboring life?
  • ...that in the Perpetual 80's alternate universe, after December 31, 1989 all time-keeping devices revert back to Tuesday, January 1, 1980 due to a bug in the alternate universe's C64 system code?
  • ... that it has been proven beyond reasonable doubt that the reason for 50% of modern marriages ending in divorce is because those people try to go to IKEA together for a relaxing afternoon?
  • ...that it is important to tune your Air Guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it?
  • ... that It's A Wonderful Life's George Bailey was one of the most renowned criminals of the 1940s?
  • ... that J.D. Salinger was this guy, he was a writer I think? He wrote this book, it was about baseball or bread or something.
  • ... that Seigenthaler was himself assassinated on live TV in 1964 but made a special pact with Satan to preserve his living body, at the cost of his soul? Satan found his soul too small and stringy to be nutritious, and threw it in the garbage bin where it was never found.
  • ... that Kitten Huffing is a popular, though controversial, alternative to street drugs such as skag and crank?
  • ... that Kool Aid was a benefit concert held in order to help cool people everywhere, who were struggling to maintain their hip status in a world filled with squares?
  • ... that Lord Byron was killed on May 25, 1840, in a pistol duel with Oscar Wilde at Wilde's East London apartment in what was promoted by Don King as the "Spat in the Flat"?
  • ... that Much Ado About Yokels by William Shakespeare is sassy, witty, funny, scathing, poised, naïve, twitterpated, smarmy, biting, sarcastic, caustic, intrepid, loathsome, riotous, and a terrible piece of theatre? After this play was published in 1902, it was doubtful that Shakespeare would ever work in Hollywood again.
  • ... that Nostradamus was regarded as one of the best prophecy writers of the 13th century, penning the bestsellers The Da Vinci Code and 1984 which both won Ivor Novello Awards for their lyrical content? Most prophets of his generation were stoned, but he was more unconventional, preferring to inject marmite.
  • ... that Open-Heart Surgery for Dummies was added to the "Dummies" series in 2002 in light of a sudden demand for cheaper heart surgery? The do-it-yourself method was popularised by this book, written by Gerald Carter, a freelance writer with no medical experience whatsoever.
  • ... that Peer is this annoying guy who hangs out on IRC? He has connections with the Masters of the Internet so his name is always hidden from the user lists in channels. When someone least expects it, Peer jumps out and resets their connections.
  • ... that Phonics (pronounced Pa-hon-iks.) is one of the deadliest and most addictive drugs on the streets? It is said to get children "hooked" in four weeks or your money back.
  • ...that Pot v. Kettle was a landmark case in USA history, giving people the right to make hypocritical statements without fear of retribution? What made this Supreme Court case unique was the fact that the Pot himself was black, as was the Kettle.
  • ...that random humour is unique in that it is the only type of humor that is an ingredient in Jell-O? It is best known for being similar to Mountain Dew in that it has no use in solving a maze.
  • ...that Rap is a genre of music that is centered around the essential musical concepts of syncopated rhythm and gettin' jiggy wit da ladieez and shit?
  • ...that Romania's primary import is drama? Romanian roommates are the world's greatest natural source of drama, and their output does not diminish over time. Romania is also the world's leading exporter of vampires, gymnasts and sexual fetishisation of old women.
  • ...that RTFM is Interwebs-speak for "Repeat the first message". If someone tells you to RTFM, be patient with them and copy-and-paste your original message several times. Typing the message with capslock on will improve the chances that it will get through.
  • ... that Santa Claus is real? If you haven't seen him it's because you've been naughty, telling lies, or Jewish.
  • ...that Scotland is not currently allied with anyone although they do go out drinking and having a good time whilst watching the football with Ireland on occasion?
  • ...that Senator is the brightest star system in the southern constellation of Toast?
  • ...that Stereotype Reassignment Surgery is a newly invented technique allowing national, ethnic and social groups who are fed up with their current stereotypes to trade them with another group?
  • ...that St. Peter's Basilica is a large reptilian creature with breath of fire and a gaze that can turn people into stone?
  • ...that Styrofoam is a slightly edible fruit which is produced in overwhelming quantities from nothing at all?
  • ...that Terri Schiavo, a martyr, was beatified for the miracle of distracting the American public long enough that God's will could be codified as law without anyone raising a fuss about it?
  • ...that God (born God Cohen in 4004BC in Liverpool, England) is one of the most famous and prolific musicians in the Western world? Though he recorded under the name God during his early career, a contractual dispute with his former label led him to change his recording name to YHVH, a string of unpronouncable consonants?
  • ...that the Attack of the 500 foot Jesus will take place at exactly 06:06:06 on Tuesday the 1st of January, 2008, on the dot? Thus will Nostradamus finally be proven wrong, since he stupidly predicted that all of this would occur a full three days later.
  • ...that the film industry of Mediocre Britain has become one of the most successful film industries in the world as its wise and far-sighted producers, realising in the mid-80’s that people were afraid of any form of innovation or originality in the cinema, endlessly re-make the same 3 movies?
  • ...that the number one cause of your being stupid is your stupid mouth?
  • ...that the disposal of broken banana phones by tossing them out the window onto the road often leads to a driver running over the banana and spinning out?
  • ...that the English–American Dictionary was designed as a reference to Americans as they attempt to understand, and be understood, by English-type people? It is intended to prevent embarrassment caused by the misinterpretation of rubber and other such words and phrases.
  • ...that the film Dude, Where's My Time Machine? has been criticized by physicists who claim the movie paints an unrealistic picture of time travel? Celebrated physicist and cartwheel champion Stephen Hawking said, "Even if we were to accept that that many sorority sluts could travel through time at once, it is still improbable that Mr. Kutcher would end up wearing one of the girls' panties."
  • ...that the first performance involving an Air Guitar was a live open-air concert outside of Sherwood Forest where Lute player Allan O'The Dell and Court Jester Robin The Gnarled appeared sporting a radical new design of Lute they had crafted from air?
  • ...that the GI Joe-Transformers War took place in 1988, and resulted in the Autobots/Joe Alliance (AJA) gaining control over the Union of Decepticon and Cobra Forces' (UDCF) strongholds in the Bedroom and Backyard theatres?
arcane and magical art of drawing
mystical boundaries over a land
to separate
their inhabitants into what are known as
“congressional districts?"
  • ...that "Ye" was Citizen Kong's pet name for his extra-favorite personal yo-yo, which he left back on Skull Island, completely forgot about, and then just remembered one split second before the planes got him?
  • ...that fire hydrant lived a life of little significance, and made no particular impact on the lives of anyone?
  • ...that during the Nike Revolution, many states changed names, split up, or grouped together, resulting in the drop from the original fifty states to 43, and the adoption of many other states from different lands?
  • ...that the No More Room in Hell Act of 1662 (PL 108-133) is the federal recognition of zombies as an ethnic group and the establishment of specialized programs for zombie immigration and naturalization?
  • matter how irrelevant the actual line is?
  • ...that it's only natural and human to want to kill as many birds with as few stones as possible?
  • ... that the modified iPod Nano 200 GB's capacity enables you to store about 50 000 pieces of music? If this capacity is filled with illegal "warez" mp3s, you can be fined up to 75 000 USD. (204 800 megabytes, 4 megabytes per song, 10 songs per CD, average CD price illegally fixed at 15 USD).
  • ... that the iPod yocto, Apple's 1,337th digital audio player this year, is the smallest possible iPod? Its width and length are physically impossible to measure simultaneously, and it is the first known digital audio player to weigh less than air.
  • ... that the KITTENHOEFFER magazine stand and the NAPAALM torture rack are actually made from identical components, but issued with different instruction leaflets?
  • ... that the kitten hurling battle originated in the steamy jungles of what is now Québec as a mating ritual of the Aztecs? Men would attempt to establish dominance over each other to impress females by measure of how vicious a kittening he could receive.
  • ... that the gun that shoots guns that shoots swords is similar to the gun that shoots swords, but instead of shooting swords, it shoots another gun? When the second gun reaches the end of the string, you pull back on the first gun and the second gun shoots a sword.
  • ... that the mystery of the missing milk was a mystery that dominated newspaper headlines and became one of the greatest conspiracy theories of 1995? It remains unsolved with literally tens of police officers working on the case daily.
  • ...that language is believed to have first been discovered around 45,000,000 BC when, moving rocks from one big pile of rocks to another large pile of rocks, an unnamed caveman dropped a rock on his foot and uttered the pivotal first word: “Moog”? Modern scholars have extensively studied this word and, going through all root languages, cite the modern translation of “Moog” to be “Fuck, my toe!”
  • ...that The Oldest Trick in the Book is the infamous "Tapping on a person's left shoulder when you're standing on their right"? This trick was first chronicled in cuneiform by the Ancient Sumerians, who lived on the windswept steppes of Mesopotamia.
  • ... that the Orange Construction Barrel (viaae fabricatio barrelus) is one of several species of highly specialized plants which have adapted to be able to grow in the most extreme of conditions - the roadways of North America? It is the second most common member of the sub-genus fabricatio -- commonly known as the "fabriforms" -- and is prized for its weather-resistance and bioluminescent fruit.
  • ...that the Seven Deadly Sins are nose-picking, hocking a loogie, rhyming words with themselves, inventing the cotton gin, winking at a baby, milking a goat on Wednesday, Internet downloads, and counting the number of Deadly Sins?
  • ...that the word "Estonia" consists of two different words: "Est" and "Onia". Est means East and Onia=Onion, so Estonia should actually be called The Eastern Onion Country?
  • ...that the word fascist refers to anyone who annoys you, even slightly? Why exactly the fascists stopped strutting around in black shirts publicly assaulting their enemies, and started correcting the spelling of your e-mails and telling you off for not washing your coffee cup is unknown.
  • ... that the year 1927 was so awesome, immense applause at the end of it resulted in not one but eight encores?
  • ...that Uncyclopedia Brown is the fictional hero of a series of detective stories for small children written by Oscar Wilde? His real name is Rasputin H. Brown, but he is known by the nickname Uncyclopedia, due to his vast knowledge of facts, figures and dates, all of which are untrue, misleading or inaccurate.
  • ...that what marks the style of The Doctor out from other documentaries such as Horizon, The Day Today and Newsround Review is that the educational nature of the programme is carefully disguised behind a plot regarding aliens, time travel and such like, woven from the real-life adventures of Oscar Wilde?
  • ... that, while controversy has arisen over the name, imagery and the lack of African-American players or management of the Birmingham Niggers baseball club, the team's media guide notes: "You don't see any Native Americans playing for the Indians or Redskins, do you?"
  • ...that while your mobile phone takes photos and video clips, plays music, receives and sends email, browses the Web, has a PDA with WiFi and Bluetooth built in and, of course, does text and picture messaging, Nokia has proposed yet another feature, called "voice chat?"
  • ...that WMD refers to "W's Missing Doughnuts", an incident at a Cabinet meeting that is the most probable cause for The War Against Terror?
  • ...that X-Windows completely determines the look, smell and feel of applications running on it in such a strict way that all application windows look exactly the same? Although this makes it look far better than Mac OS X and even Windows XP, some users find it hard to distinguish between their applications when they all have the same title.
  • ...that you have two cows; Bessie, Maisie, and Clarabelle? You also have trouble counting.
  • ...that zombies walk the Earth because there is simply no more room left in Hell; this as a result of the "No More Room In Hell Act" of 1662 wherein Satan outlawed further immigration into Hell because of "those damn dirty Americans" stealing all of the good jobs there and putting immense stress on the demonic economy?
  • ...that at any second, of any minute, of any hour, of any day, a massive nuclear bomb could land on your house?
  • ...that the things you can do when you are dead include " " and " "?
  • ...that the books of Roman Historian Marcus Claudius Erraticus describe several of Caesar's battles as "earth-shattering victories" and "horrific defeats," often in the same sentence?
  • ...that the oozy, off-colored mound of bloody what-ever-it-is stretching its way out of what used to be a tiny hole is a baby's head?
  • ...Sooner or later, it always becomes cheesy?
  • ...sometimes those running away from home get all sobbing and impatient and bolt straight out the door without preparation?
  • ...that the Bugatti Veyron accelerates at an infinite rate, has an infinite top speed, and can easily take 180 degree corners at any speed without losing any grip?
  • ...that, likewise, sitting in the Veyron is the most comfortable thing a human can possibly experience?
  • ...that Blandford is a pleasant and peaceful place where not much has changed since 1957, the start of what I like to call 'the great pleasantness decline'?
  • ...that the slate industry in Wales originated in Roman times, when the Romans decided that they were tired of just publicly flogging Welsh people and decided to instead have them dig huge rocks out of the ground?
  • ...that a lot could be said about the Aeneid, about how important it is, about how well-written it is, and about how longing and forboding a text it could be, but I will not say these things, as they are things a person who did not read the Aeneid would say, and as I obviously have read the Aeneid, I won't have any trouble with this report?
  • ...that the most productive way to become an Uncyclopedian is to blank pages, which makes you feel powerful because you think it's the same as deleting them?
  • ...that an idea is indicated by the presence of a light source above a person's head? This usually tends to be a lightbulb but can also take the form of mildly radioactive fan heaters, electric torches or even internally lit large exclamation marks, a method pioneered by one Felix T Catt.
  • ...that Sperm are like hippies: they all stink, all of them are the same, but we can't just have enough of them?
  • ...that Adolf Hitler was most famous for his art and acting talents, as displayed throughout his life and during the European World Tour 1939-1945, when he liberated Poland from Jewish influence, liberated France from incompetent rulers, and liberated Austria from itself?
  • ...that the fetish of being attracted to homeless people is known as Hoboeroticism?
  • ...that the Moustache-o-meter is a ratings system utilising the virility and masculinity of the male upper-lip embellishment known as the moustache?
  • ...that rigorous philosophical inquiry has led many to the conclusion that mankind can never truly have everything and the kitchen sink?
  • ...that Mr. Kearsy is seriously the most rockin' teacher in the whole freakin' universe?!
  • ...that Jimmy the Shoeshine Boy told me there's an article around here about Film Noir?
  • ...that each 00 number represents a license to do something nasty? In the case of 007, it's a license to kill. For 001, it's a license to bite someone's ankle.
  • ...that the mission of American Fundie Magazine is to roll the clock back to a simpler time, before the evil secular humanists and their life partners, the Jews, stole the U.S.A. from the righteous and turned it from the high road of the loving goodness of the Old Testament onto the low road of *shudder* liberal Christianity or *gasp!* atheism, leading our great nation straight to Aich Ee Double Hockey sticks?
  • ...that misogynaecology holds that the best sort of doctors for women's conditions are men with a deep seated hatred of and disdain for women?
  • ...that West Africa is poised to be the first e-mail-based economic superpower? Just send them USD $200 first!
  • ...that Adobe Potatochop is the industry standard software for chip production amongst chip shops the length and breadth of England?
  • ...that Argos stores exist for the sole purpose of taking advantage of those who are too scared to shop using t'internet? They still rely on the traditional methods of service, such as the sneer, the blank stare and outright rudeness.
  • ...that unemployment in the city of Baghdad is very high, so many citizens have to look jobs in more remote sectors, such as a Private Defence Contractor (known colloqiually as a "Terrorist"), a Religious Nut (referred to as a "Terrorist" by the locals) or a Freelance Debris Architect (known outside of Baghdad by the slang term "Terrorist")?
  • ...that West Africa is poised to be the first e-mail-based economic superpower? Just send them USD $200 first!
  • ...that Age of Umpires is a highly successful RPG/Strategy video game series in which the player takes control of a team of Umpires with the primary aim of officiating cricket matches?
  • ...that when the first Banana Skin Joke appeared in 1913, it was the funniest thing on the music hall scene? It easily beat Jugs Mahony's Spoon Dance and it fended off strong competition from The Singing Duck of Dresden.
  • ...that Fat Albert ran on CBS for 12 seasons before it was eclipsed by JAG, in an attempt to rope in younger viewers?
  • ...that nothing gets you through a day of nonstop executions than a nice slice of pumpkin pie?
  • ...that the RIAA's edutainment title Grand Theft Audio was released for online download January 3, 2007, and accumulated over 5000 downloads within 24 hours of being leaked on BitTorrent?
  • ...that the rocking carcass in the corner is a clue?

that the odds are little creatures that have cruel senses of humor, making you act in a way that will lead to your demise?

  • ...that it takes a great amount of sexual commitment to get a computer turned on, but once your computer is properly aroused, it can offer you some of the greatest sexual thrills you may ever experience?
  • ...that the iTrip was invented by Bob Geldof to allow children to experience being on drugs while remaining sober?
  • ...that Acute Promyelocytic Leukemia, a hematological neoplasm known as "Neo" to his friends, succumbed to local resident Cori Porter after a long battle with chemotherapy this evening?
  • ...that you're an idiot if you think SNL is better than Mad TV?
  • ...that the Order of the Nazi was an order of chivalry whose admission policies were nearly impossible for anyone that was not of the Aryan race?
  • ...that a tachyon is a subatomic particle formed when a gluon is pimped out by some righteous mo'fo's in a subatomic workshop?
  • ...that even sponges can run for president?
  • ...that for the sake of secrecy, the film Internet Movie Database was shipped in canisters marked Land Before Time 9?
  • ...that Euroipods is a website giving away free ipods in return for completing offers and reffering freinds to do the same?
  • ...zat I cannot tell you off ze bewk called Dracula, because I do not read... fiction?
  • ...Ttha dilysexia si o trubuil nerlojkl dis ordor taht mins y cannt rede gude.
  • ...that giving gifts of genetically engineered flowers that feed on human blood is a popular Saint Frankenstein's Day tradition?
  • ...that asking 'Did You Know' perfectly suits the nature of the Socratic Method?
  • ...that during the Victorian era, the persecution and brutalization of orphans was considered every Englishman's patriotic duty?
  • ...that in the old days, we had to make our own 'web' which was a lot smaller than 'world-wide', and demanded skilled workmanship and dedication in order to work properly?
  • ...that the popular sitcom 667:Neighbor of The Beast was especially loved by mothers who wanted their children to "be more like that Satan"?
  • ...that only half of Alcoholics really are anonymous, the rest just think they are?
  • ...that Al-Qaeda has expanded their business portfolio to include more than just terrorism?
  • ...that animo acids are violent, sword-sporting little devils?
  • ...that Austria-Hungary was created as a drunken bet in 1867 when the Habsburg Emperor Franz Joseph was forced to bet his country's name after losing all his gold sovereigns to Napoleon III?
  • ...that she's the sweetest insane psychopath you'll ever meet?
  • ...that baby seal is a popular dish in some western countries?
  • ...that former child icon Barbie has nearly hit rock bottom after a recent bank heist?
  • ...that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?
  • ...that Superheros have a new face, and it's bi-racial?
  • ...Charles Dickens peened several manuscripts which went later on in time to age into successful novels, many of which are a staple in literature across the known and literate global audience?
  • ...that only 1 in 5 people even know what Ecky-Thump means, and you are not that person?
  • ...that I learned everything I know from soap commercials? Now with double the cleansing power!
  • ...that Everybody cares about your boring, inconsequential, pedestrian, already-traipsed life?
  • ...that scoring 7 or 8 'rocks' of Folgers Crystals can put you in heaven for 24 hours?
  • ...that the Ganges deeply resents the Nile, that arrogant bastard?
  • ...that Global Cooling is good news for those of who just got a pizza out of the oven?
  • ...that a GIGN officer will shoot terrorists, then help them... then shoot them... then help them?
  • ...that homeless nerds, found in every major city, can be identified by their thick-rimmed glasses, tattered laptop cases, and plastic bags full of assorted cables and surge protectors?
  • ...that I cannot tell a lie? Honest.
  • ...that God designed testicles just because he thought it would a be laugh riot?
  • ...that Ironing blows no matter how much you try to hide it?
  • ...that John Caldwell Calhoun overcame prejudice to become a successful politician in spite of being really fucking creepy looking? I mean seriously creepy. Brrr.
  • ...that the League of Nations was the first and least successful Collegiate football conference?
  • ...that The Meeting was turned into a Tony Award Wining Musical, headlined by Tommy Lee Jones and Matthew Broderick?
  • ...that journeys with GPS always end badly, if not for you then for the GPS?
  • ...that Old McDonald contributed to wage depression by hiring illegals to pick tomatoes in his farm?
  • ...that four out of ten lawyers say that one out of ten doctors is likely to sexually assault three out of seven female patients?
  • ...that the fate of the luscious island paradise of Porchesia was decided by one called 'Danny' who wiped out the whole island in between ordering groceries and watching videos on YouTube?
  • ...that the most common type of Vulva seen on the road is the family model, which fathers like to drive as much as possible, but rarely get to except on some weekends and the occasional birthday or anniversary?
  • ...that Walgreens Drug Store has a different definition of 'Drug' than I do, and apparently the police hold to this same definition?
  • ...that a Wallet Moth will increase your chances of not footing the bill?
  • ...that a medium-sized Australian jumbuck can easily fit into most standard-issue tuckerbags?
  • ...that if bears had the chance; they would sodomize you and your entire family?
  • ...that Canada and the USA share a common mother, that being England, but while America's father was apparently Jesus, Canada's was France?
  • ...that Gay Pride is like regular pride, but for people who are proud of being gay?
  • ...that gazebo are only at ground level to make disabled people happy?
  • ...that the hammer pounds things? Hard? Very Hard?
  • ...that the handgun is one of the most pitiful guns you can find, seeing as it's part of your hand?
  • ...that Dr. Suess was a real pervert?
  • ...that Hebrew is a really fucking hard language to learn?
  • ...that John Cage has never made silence sound more golden?
  • ...that this factoid relating to Snopes has just been disproven by Snopes?
  • ...that torture is better to give than to receive?
  • ...that Godot isn't coming?
  • ...that the water powered bus is an environmentally-friendly mode of public transport?
  • ...that the letter Z on Sesame Street was rumored to be heavily addicted to paint?
  • ...that there is some kind of "country" offshore of China?
  • ...that Vitamins are a family of substances meant for ingestion that confer superhuman abilities on whoever eats them?
  • ...that faith in Paul Bunyan is the only thing that can save you from a one way ticket to Hell?
  • ...that everyone's getting pretty darned annoyed with that accordion-playing of yours?
  • ...that you have probably broken at least three of the Ten Commandments just by visiting this website?
  • ...that escaping from the Matrix is the best way to avoid seeing Reloaded or Revolutions?
  • ...that Biggles is the second most common cause of homosexuality in Britain, right after boarding school?
  • ...that without Commemorative plates, madam, you could easily forget what the American flag looks like?
  • ...that you just don't get Conceptual Art? Even if you think you do, you don't. Just accept it.
  • ...that you're fat, you're pushing forty, and faced with the realization that the boy who once dreamed of becoming an astronaut is no more?
  • ...that the popular comic strip Garfield is really, really funny? No, really.
  • ...that before the introduction of the Hays Code, most movie stars swore like drunken longshoremen?
  • ...that typical henchmen will never overthrow their evil boss?
  • ...that making a band usually involves frantically begging family and strangers to join?
  • ... that to the mighty heroes of the Manhattan Engineering District all wrongdoing is a menace to be stamped out – whether it comes from outer space – from the watery depths of the seven seas – or springs full-blown from the minds of men!
  • ...that Andrea True had a 1976 hit with her single Mao, Mao, Mao?
  • Pearce? Guy staring movie acclaimed an was Memento that...
  • ...that my cousin's osteopath knows this guy, right, who like totally met some guy who saw the studio that the fake moon landing was filmed in?
  • ...that Old Tech is the name given to the latest trend in high technology?
  • ...and it hasn't been handed in at the Lost and Found, either?
  • ...that Patriotism is the number two cause of battlefield fatalities, surpassed only by improper foot care?
  • ...that a VCR Manual is very, very, very frustrating to read?
  • ...the great Wall Street Crash of 1929 led to many opportunities for great photography of homeless people and farmers covered in dust the following years?
  • ...that while both World Wars were in black and white, only World War I was silent?
  • ...that unlike the first two epistles to the community at Thessalonika, in which Paul expressed love and support to the Christians in the city while attempting to answer their questions, the apostle completely loses it in the third letter, and liberally sprinkles his escathology with insults like "doofus" and "morons"?
  • ...that president Bush prefers his Tuskegee airmen with a side of risotto and mushrooms?
  • ...that this article is the official Republican party playbook?
  • ...and therefore it is error to think that your hand has just been sliced off at the wrist?
  • ...that most art critics don't care much for the style of First Gradeism?
  • ...that Jingo is the sport of kings?
  • ...that Marcel Proust was a man whose prose, delicate, could turn the soul around, could inspire even the lowest beggar to the heights of majesty, and could meander off in the most engaging direction, taking you along with it like a softly flowing river, like the sea itself, like the sun on the beach and like the waves under your feet?
  • ...that for the small price of an airplane ticket and Nigerian citizenship, you may already become a rich, desperate prince?
  • ...that the [The Swedish Orienteering And Firing A Rat From A Cannon Championships]] are the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems?
  • ...that the shortest Featured Article on Uncyclopedia is only three letters long?</option>
  • ...that Vivid Vladimir, the Idol of my Eye, the artificer of amor, could not dispense with that which was most dear to him: chicken fingers?
  • ...that Livejournal is a promising internet news station aimed at delivering only the quality stuff, such as "NO MOM I DONT WANT TO GO TOO BED YOUR GAY"?
  • ...that the Pope recently announced that the whole "Christianity" thing is a whole load of shit?
  • ...that Communist revolutionary Mae Zedong authored the Little Black Book while in power in China?
  • ...that David Cameron is a pretty straightforward kinda guy, who would love your vote?
  • ...that Napoleon suffered from short man syndrome?
  • ...that your cat Fluffy is a racist?
  • ...that I, Patrick Henry, was buried at sea a mile and a half northeast of Sapelo Island, in a rising gale with the wind taking the tops off the waves and rain coming horizontal across the bows like birdshot?
  • ...that people everywhere are taking more stainless steel home with them after surgery?
  • ...that progressive rock groups decided to stop writing three-minute songs about sex and instead wrote ten-minute songs about nothing at all?
  • ...that the basic problem that the RIAA has in protecting its property is that after people have bought music, they can actually listen to it?
  • ...that my wife and I are having separation issues, and that she's probably going to get the children and the house?
  • ...that teenagers are pretty much not good for anything, other than the occasional cane-beating, I 'spose.
  • ...that started its business with its iconic layout on toilet doors, leaving customers to mark their orders, then delivering the package to a toilet of the shopper’s choice?
  • ...that you don't want to know what VFP stands for?
  • ...that I keep telling Hraesvelg I, Garm, not pet, but stupid giant never listens?
  • ...that Geocaching is an outdoor adventure and treasure-hunting game in which the participants utilize navigational techniques to identify valuable land, then leverage national tactics of force, covert ops, biological warfare, and/or other military techniques to obtain the land from the owners?
  • ...that attempts to quote the Dread Cthulhu in its own dialect have led to many embarrassing misspellings, sometimes as extreme so as to turn, "In his house at R'lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming" into a phrase translatable as, "In a sushi restaurant in R'lyeh topless Cthulhu waits tables"?
  • ...that all Unix releases of Uncyclopedia come with a nifty manual page, which is far superior to Microsoft's .chm help files?
  • ...that archaeological records show the primitive ancestors of the Village People date back to the Late Neolithic Period, the same time as when Pink Floyd was formed?
  • ...that every Jew down in Jewville liked Hanukkah a lot, but some Putz, who lived just East of Jewville, did not?
  • ...that there are 34 cuts in the deceased racing horse Kraft Dinner?
  • ...that Heaven has met its quota, and your dead granny has just been waitlisted?
  • ...that RMS is the composer of the Free Sockpuppet Song, and has been known to perform it on the recorder, or folk-slither to it when others play it?
  • are seeing dick control what is going into these Uncyclopedia articles?
  • ...that Annefrankhuis currently generates in excess of 30% of Holland's tourism income, overtaking the tulip and whorehouse industries to become the primary source of income for the whole country?
  • ...although on an international level, a nuclear arsenal is even better?
  • ...that walls will most likely continue to hold ceilings in the civilized world for the foreseeable future?
Dora propoganda.jpg

  • ...with the aim being to force the other half to admit to being an abject failure?
  • ...that you can get great deals on Vietnamese clothing imports if you buy now?
  • ...that ten out of ten cigarette manufacturers agree that Cancer is great?
  • ...that in only 10120 years' time, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE?!
  • ...that fucking off is a highly complex act, and not to be undertaken lightly?
  • ...that Simeon I is absolutely no fun at a party?
  • ...that his fingers were typing "IRAQATTACK!!!11!!1!", but his heart was saying "Why does everyone hate me?"
  • ...that sex with another man is the ultimate test of one's masculinity?
  • ..that students who take part in sexual abstinence programs are just as likely to have sex as those who skipped the class to go make out behind the bleachers?
  • ...that only through brand awareness can we truly be free?
  • ...that the Olympics is far more entertaining when all of the athletes are completely legless?
  • ...that William Steig was a literary genius?
  • ...that Harry Houdini was... hey, where'd he go?
  • ...that Yanni did more than just make music and be sexy?
  • ...that I am a perfectly normal guy WHO IS OF NO INTEREST TO THE AUTHORITIES?
  • ...that Alaska is a mooseocracy, in which citizens select a moose to lead them?
  • ...that bears have been known to challenge for the role of Alaska's leader?
  • ...that is, if that's all right with you, sir.
  • ...the last one is "acceptance".
  • ...that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe?