The X-Files

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I want to believe, that's why I wear a tin foil hat and look for subliminal messages in my newspaper. You should too.


The government denies knowledge of the X-Files. Short for "example," the formerly top secret X-Files came about to the public due to the complete idiocy of FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. The X-Files contained papers regarding aliens and stories of how the FBI managed to defeat the the Jersey Devil, Nick Cave, Bigfoot, E.T., Bill Collector and the CIA. Mulder and Scully accidentally got drunk, and in their drunken rage, had a threesome with Téa Leoni and released the files to public domain. The example files contained lots of examples of aliens. They were an off white color and had little tabby things that stuck off the tops of their heads, presumably for use as a marker or something. They were rigid but paper-like. Agents Mulder and Scully were subsequently shot but came back to life with the help of Sean Bean.

This all happened between 1993 and 2002. The FBI quickly replaced the files with blank sheets of paper for spacing. The super-secret documents the files contained are now thought to be secret again, since the Men in Black wiped the memory of anyone who had seen them. The FBI now have operatives working in video stores, and have the X-Files hidden in a box labeled 'X-Files: Season One'.

Many now, as a result of these files, believe that The X-files are God. Ritual tattooing is common among them. A Television show was then based on the files that Scully and Mulder released, and it was then projected back in time to the years when the events they described really happened.

Plot and Mythology[edit]

Fans commonly divide the X-Files into two categories: mythology episodes, which concern the ongoing tale of a weaboo-centered conspiracy regarding the truth behind objectivism, and stand-alone episodes, often detailing Agent Scully's obsession with nuts. Several installments also explore the relationship between Ayn Rand and Adolf Hitler, while others focus on popular supporting characters such as Principal Skinner or Lee Harvey Oswald, often called by his nickname, the Lone Gunman.

Below is a list of episodes that concern the mythology of The X-Files in broadcast order.

  • Season 1: Pilot Light, Walter Mondale is Really Deep Throat, SQUEE!, Conductor, Serra's Angel, SOS Please Someone Help Me, The Philosopher's Flask, He's a She!
  • Season 2: Little Green Women, Seattle, Dave Berry, Ascension, 2+1, One Breast, Red Museum Piece, Oddly Attractive, Colonizer, Ender's Game, American Horror Story: Freak Show, Anansi
  • Season 3: The Cursing Way, Paper Clip, Gaigin, 666, Pied Piper, Apocalypse, Hardwired, Talitha, Cum
  • Season 4: Volkswagen, Diseases of a Cigarette Smoking Man, Krakatoa, Terminator, Memento Maurry, Tempo Fuggitabouddit, Min, Zero Sun, Angels, Bethesda
  • Season 5: Red Ducks, Red Ducks II: Electric Boogaloo, A Charlie Brown Christmas Carol, Patient X, The

Note: The X-Files continued for 4 and a half seasons after the controversial episode "The," but there was no longer any discernible plot. Besides, once Mulder had sex with Scully, nobody really cared anymore anyway. It all just went to hell.

Legacy[edit]

The X-Files directly inspired numerous other TV series, including Doctor Who, Doctor What, Doctor Who's What, Star Wars, Star Trek, Seinfeld The Simpsons (The Simpsons were on Before the X-files.) , MotherFuckaz, Twin Peaks, Bill Clinton, George Orwell...

Note: At this point, the list becomes indecipherable, though it continues for several pages.

The influence can also be seen on other levels: television series such as Sixty Minutes have developed a complex mythology that brings to mind the "mytharc" of The X-Files. In addition, many procedural dramas feature law enforcement officers, bringing to mind the characters in the X-Files. Some of these procedurals, also feature criminals, a recurring element in the X-Files. Other shows have been influenced by the "in color" nature of The X-Files, e.g., Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which, unlike many previous shows, was in color, like The X-Files. Also, Buffy can be shown to from its occasional reference to vampires, a concept that first appeared in The X-Files.

Fnord[edit]

Cthulhu Ftagn! Io Pan Panphage!

Mulder and Scully were the agents that originally leaked the X-files, before being killed, thus originating a cult, which in turn rewrote history, so that they never literally existed but instead are viewed as servants of their god, X-file, seen here.

Influences[edit]

The X-Files was completely original. Those concepts shown in it that existed previously were probably stolen by time machine and taken into the past, where they became so successful, they appeared to have been part of society all along. The X-Files were not based upon A.A. Milne's first ever book, "The Winnie-Files".

Television[edit]

This medium, invented for the X-Files, as a plot device in an early episode, was stolen and introduced almost a hundred years earlier, probably by the same people who stole Robert Heinlein's work.

Film[edit]

Thin oily surface that has a sheen when viewed from a certain angle. It was originally used as a villain in The X-Files, before God stole it and altered reality so that it was a natural result of certain complex organic molecules. Film can also mean "movie," a concept pioneered in a deleted scene of the pilot of The X-Files. Time Travelers stole it and gave it to Thomas Edison.

Awards[edit]

During its too short run, this series won every award then given out, as well as many special awards invented for that express purpose. The X-Files thus represents not only the first entity to win a Nobel Prize in every category, but the only television series to win any Nobel Prize. You didn't hear it from me but that's bull shit.



The future of The X-Files[edit]

Plans for another movie are announced periodically but have yet to come to fruition. While Jimmy Carter has expressed his desire for involvement, there is still no script and no official shooting schedule. This would be a problem for any other film, but production has already begun anyway, and, since it is The X-Files, there is no doubt in anyone's mind that this film will be realeased within the month, and be the best film ever made.

Even more trivial notes[edit]


Taglines[edit]

The phrase "The Truth is Out There" is usually tattooed onto followers' forearms as a sign of faith. However, over the course of the series, this phrase would occasionally be replaced with something else, as would the place of application. It is not uncommon to find persons with all of these phrases on several parts of their bodies.

  • Trust Some People
  • Confirm Everything
  • Slavery is Freedom
  • Everybody Hurts
  • Decried McVeigh Obstetrician
  • E plurabi Fellati Matre tui ("I love you" in Italian - attributed to Galileo)
  • I Can't Believe the Lie's Not Butter
  • All Roads Lead to Ankh-Morpork (Attributed to George Orwell)
  • The World Is Quiet Here
  • Dissent is the highest form of patriotism
  • He was an American, so I thought it was only fair to shoot him
  • Just enjoy this and it won't be a crime
  • Does Wayne Brady have to choke a bitch?
  • You spin me right round, baby, right round.
  • 6 is now afraid of 7 because 7 8 9.
  • So we shot that old man for nothing
  • Sure is cloudy out!
  • More Cowbell
  • Meatspin.com is the coolest
  • I was here...
  • scully wants me baaaad
  • Bitch,please...
  • MOULDY!!!!
  • Well,that was confusing
  • I'm bringing sexy back,you motherfuckers don't know how to act
  • Actually, I'm not quite dead yet
  • Why god did i have to stay on this show for all 9 years
  • fight the past save the future and kill the little people
  • Eat More Chikin
  • Morley Tobacco
  • I want to believe.... but my religion forbids it.

References[edit]

  • X-Files: The manifestation of God in the physical world
  • TV Guide's new God
  • Nobel Prize Committee members Naked! chat page
  • The X-Files Under the covers: Special looks at the sexiest FBI agents on TV.
  • PARADE Magazine.
  • Mind of MaXlam.
  • Gillian Anderson's Stalker's Official Website, Nude Page.
  • Chart Showing X-Files religion demographics
  • Your mothers cat