Francis Drake
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“Dang, you achin' for his bacon!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Francis Bacon
“Mmm...his bacon is so good and tasty.”
~ Volatire on Francis Bacon's bacon
“Ooooohhhhh, Francis! Don't stop! Oooooh!”
~ Elizabeth I on Francis Drake
That ruff, sir! I invented that look, the "my head is being swallowed by lace" look. You stole it from me and claimed it for your own. Oh, Sir Francis Drake and/or Bacon! Such the wag, such the dandy in his enormous fucking ruff. That ruff was mine! Researchers have discovered that Francis Drake did actually start the ruff fashion.
And that "sail around the world" thing you did. That was my idea; I was telling you just the other night at ye pub how I should like to sail all the way around the globe while eluding the Spanish and I had already bought tickets, but your "friends" at Court arranged for you to go first, just to spite me.
And the night before that, I was saying to Christopher Marlowe - "Kit, I should like to found an English branch of the secret order of the Illuminati." What did I find the very next day, skulking in the "champagne room" above Ye Pub after hours? An English branch of the Illuminati, all toasting Sir Francis Drake, or possibly Francis Bacon, and how bloody clever he was. "At last we can compete with Bavaria!" shrieked the Earl of Oxford, the stupid gin-soaked bastard. And damn your soul too, Kit. Historians have recently found evidence that Francis Drake had no outside inspiration when he founded the English-speaking Illuminati
I felt like a right prat, all my grand ideas being stolen by Sir Francis all the time. But no sooner had I announced my desire to be exiled to the Tower of London for a decade or so than suddenly the cell I wanted is occupied by you.
What next, Sir Francis, what next? Will you "invent" the modern scientific method, or "discover" that cold makes meat last longer, only to die of the subsequent cold-fueled illness? That would be so like you, Sir Francis Drake, or, I guess, Francis Bacon. Or Roger Bacon. And those crazy paintings you did!
Well, sir, I demand satisfaction!
Mmm, bacon.
Historians studying the Elizabethan times have reason to believe that just after this article was written in the 1500s, Francis Drake did in fact pwn Mr. Bacon with the boomstick.
[edit] Musical Career
Francis Drake was bassist for speed-metal band Horses of Wisdom, which he established with his room mates Tarquin Pearson (Vocals), Richard "Duck" Windsor (Lead Guitar), William Anderson (Rythm Guitar) and Barry (Brother of Dick) Turpin (Drums/Ocarina). Drake was renowned for his somewhat outrageous stage presence, which included him physically and often sexually abusing various members of his entourage.
[edit] See also
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Written in the style of the author claiming all of Mr Drakes accomplishments for himself |
